Chapter 10
Jace
It’s been a year since my parents shipped me off to boarding school. It was the best thing my dad could have done. In one year, I’ve shifted from a boy to a man. I’ve grown academically, physically, and in knowledge and self-control.
Hayden and I attended a ‘get to know you’ group.
I thought it was a group to get to know other classmates, but it was a group to understand better who you are as a person and why you are here.
Who were you then, and who do you want to be?
At first, I was pissed. I was a kid who was having a good time, embracing life in what I thought was the best way.
What I learned is that I was wrong; it was mediocre.
It was three DUIs for a moment of thrill, sex for the release, but never love; it was always about chasing the high, until it came crashing down.
I’ll never forget the look on my dad’s face.
Complete disappointment tore through him, and all I could do was sit there.
I couldn’t take back what I’d done; it was pointless to beat around the bush any longer.
I would never change. I was comfortable, and why?
Why was it so easy to continue with this behavior when my parents did nothing but support me?
I didn’t come from a shit home where I was suppressing my anger, nor was I running from a horrible life.
I had no excuse for my actions; I was an addict, just as my dad said. I had a problem.
During the group, I not only learned about myself but also about others.
Today was the first day Hayden opened up about why he was here, who he had been before this place, and who he wanted to be afterward.
“I’m Hayden, but, uh, most of you know that.
” He laughs, leaning forward, placing his forearms on his thighs, “I’m here for a lot of reasons.
But, mainly, I’m here because I started a fire and burned down a building.
” He clears his throat, making eye contact with me, before dropping his gaze and continuing, What he just shared is all I knew, now he finally lets go of the rest, “my mom passed away in a fire when I was seventeen, they got me out, but, they couldn’t get to her, the fire was just too big.
I convinced myself that if I could start a fire and put it out, I could have saved her.
If I had just known what to do, or been faster, or…
” He pauses, silence weighing in, “But I couldn't stop it, I couldn’t control it, just like I couldn’t back then.
The fire I started refused to go out. When the building went up in flames, I tried to run, but I was caught.
I burnt down seven buildings, trying to put out one that didn’t even exist anymore.
On the seventh attempt, I got caught; I got sloppy, tired of trying to command something out of my control.
Looking back, I keep thinking, what if someone had been in there?
” He leans back in his chair, running his hand over his short, stubbed hair.
The teacher stands, “What ifs are like fire, Hayden. They spread, grabbing onto anything in their path. What-ifs will make your mind believe there was someone in there, but there wasn't; this we know as fact. What have you learned thus far being here?” Hayden’s eyes are shining in the light. We watch as he swallows hard.
“I learned I didn’t kill my mother. I learned that no matter how many fires I start or put out, they won't bring her back. More importantly, I realized I could save those in the same situation we were in, but in the right way. You keep asking us who we are going to be. I’m going to be a firefighter.
All I want to do is save people from the loss I suffered, from the pain I endured.
” The guys around the room clap, offering their sympathies and praises for his growth, but a clap for me isn't enough. I’ve been with him for over a year, and I never knew how deep his scars went.
Standing up, I make my way over to him, and he stands, knowing I’m a fucking sap, and comes in for a hug. I give him a pat on his back, “You’re already a fighter, man. Fire’s got nothing on you.”
This is the thing, isn’t it, life? Here we are, surrounded by people every day, and we never know what someone is going through.
We never truly know the extent of someone's sorrow, pain, or gratitude until it’s put in your face, in big, bold letters.
Why can’t we truly see someone for who they are?
I want to see people, like really see them.
I want to see more than just face value.
I want to read someone like a picture book, all their colors, the light and the dark, and everything in between.
In this very moment, I knew exactly who I was going to be.
The following week, everyone gets ready for Family Day.
Today, families can visit; they can bring items ‘academy-approved’ and check in on our growth. Hayden and I reach the lobby, and there is his dad, standing front and center, awaiting his arrival. They embrace one another, and all I think is how much lighter Hayden must feel.
Behind him, my parents stand. When my mom sees me, she runs up, throwing her arms around me and squeezing like she didn’t see me just last week.
It took a long time to get here, the weekly visits, the two nights out during the week, as long as I always made curfew and passed drug tests. It wasn’t an easy road, but I’m here.
“Hey, Sweetie,” my mom holds me tighter before letting go, giving my dad a chance to hug me.
“Hey, Son, how are ya?” We pick a table to sit at, and I just let it all out.
“Good, really good. I’ve kinda had a revelation, actually.
I think I finally know who I’m supposed to be, and what I want out of this life.
I haven’t thanked you for what you did, but now I know it was the right thing.
You saved me, Dad, and at the time, I didn’t even know it.
” My dad’s eyes swell with unshed tears before he quickly wipes them away.
“We are so proud of you. Now, tell us, what are you going to do after this?” My parents both lean in, completely invested in what I’m about to say.
“I’m going to college here with Hayden; he’s going to train to be a firefighter, and I’m signing up for the EMT training program.
After the program, it will take about six months to gain experience and develop skills.
Once I complete the six-month training, I’ll enroll in the paramedic program, which usually takes one to two years, and earn my license.
I know it seems like a lot, but I can do it.
I know I can. I want to be able to read a body like a book, to see the signs of distress without them having to tell me.
I want to save people; maybe I’ll save someone who used to be like me.
” I can feel my passion exploding because this is my passion, I can feel it, I know it is.
“That is fantastic. I am so incredibly proud of you and all the hard work you have done, not only in finding a career, but in yourself. You’ve made a man of yourself, and I’ll be here cheering you on the entire way.
” My dad says proudly, my mom smiles her infectious smile, the one that‘s pure joy, and it’s because of me.