Chapter 18
Jace
What the fuck was that? After Lilla basically ran out of the kitchen, my parents went on and on about all things Lilla Lane.
They tell me she’s the top vet in town, even owns her own clinic.
Nice to meet me? My mind spirals as my mother goes on about how kind and generous she is, even walking Teddy for free on Saturdays.
She knew me. Pretending to listen to my parents, I sit silently, while I remember every detail about her, from the dimple on her left cheek to the mole on the top of her right boob.
Lilla Lane, the girl of a million mysteries, stood here in my parents' kitchen pretending she had no clue who I was.
“Sweetheart, I said your shift is starting soon at work.” My mom places her hand on my shoulder, snapping me from my memories, the ones I think of often, the ones that frequent my dreams, only in every dream, the outcome is different.
“Oh, yeah, I'd better get going, see you guys tomorrow. I think I found a place, I just need to go look at it.” She smiles; however, it doesn’t meet her eyes.
I know it’s not sincere; my mother would want me to move back in for the rest of my life.
I give her a big hug and kiss on the cheek before leaving for my shift, entirely out of sorts.
On the drive to work, my mind is replaying the afternoon, the way Lilla looked, grown, strong, and so damn beautiful.
Her blonde hair was pulled back in a high ponytail, her gorgeous, marble-blue eyes piercing mine, stealing my attention from anything else in the room.
Watching her full lips tighten as I took a step closer, wanting to be in her space, needing to see if she was real.
Light freckles danced across her button nose, making me smirk as she took me in, the boy she once knew now a man.
As she was a woman, and no longer a girl.
Her shirt hugged her curves, displaying her perfectly round breasts and curvy waist, and her leggings, fuck me.
The way they hugged her muscular legs, and her round ass, watching her run away was torture on my heart, and my dick.
Get it together. Pulling into work, I fight myself to focus, to ensure I can do my job one hundred percent because if I can’t, if I lose another life, another kid, I’ll break, and I can’t afford to fail.
Walking into the fire station has gotten easier since the first day.
The day that changed my life forever. I hold that boy with me every day, reminding me how fast a situation can turn, how quickly someone can leave us.
The guilt damn near wrecked me, wishing I could have done more, even though I know there was nothing more I could have done.
I realized I was chasing shadows, thinking I could play God, and in doing so, I was breaking myself.
The crew's support has been astonishing, yet their praise feels wrong, tainted with horror. I’m working on myself, on coping with the impossible, on giving myself grace.
We start the shift with training and drills for the upcoming fire season, and when the fire bell rings, we suit up and get ready for whatever comes our way.
Closing my eyes, I breathe, slow and steady as Cody drives to an accident downtown on Main Street.
“Hey man, old lady backed into a parked car, if anything, we’re looking at a bump or bruise.
The first loss is hard, it stays with you, it’s heavy, but let it drive you, not weigh you down.
” This isn’t my first loss, but in eight years, I've only lost two; I count those blessings because I’ve saved hundreds.
Pulling up to the scene, the old lady stands outside her white Toyota, arms crossed.
The bump was more of a love tap, but because the gentleman she hit insisted the lady get checked, here we are, and Mrs. Judy is not happy about the precaution.
“That man must have moved his car closer.” The gentleman chuckles, telling her his car was still in park.
Cody and I held back our laughter at grumpy Jane as she scowls at all of us.
The police came by, but neither wanted to file a report, since there was no damage; they decided against it.
We sent everyone safely on their way after determining she was, in fact, just fine.
As we round the ambulance, a big sign on the corner catches my attention. ‘Mount Marian Vet Hospital–Come. Sit. Heal.’ A low-hanging sign catches my attention, ‘Dr. Lilla Lane,’ she did it. I’m beginning to see who Lilla Lane became, and now I want to know who she is.
Getting back to the fire station, Hayden comes up to me with a shit-eating grin. “What the fuck did you do?” His grin grows, sending creases around his eyes and lighting up his dark eyes. “Hayhay, the fuck did you do?”
Hayden bends down, hitting his pant leg, and a little golden ball of fur comes running out from under the truck.
“Meet Zeus.” I know he can sense my emotions boiling.
“Listen, he didn’t have a home; it might be good for you.
” The fucking dog we saved, when I lost the boy.
The dog tries to wiggle free from Hayden’s arm, as his tail zooms as quickly as his little body can swing it.
“Good for Me? You want me to keep this toy rat?” He shakes his head very slowly and thoughtfully, while handing me the little fluff ball.
He takes a step back, looking at me, “Look, you need a buddy, and the boy wanted the dog; it only seems fair, we save him, like he wanted.” I roll my eyes just as the little shit licks my face.
“Aw, see J-Man, he loves you already. Look how lovable you are, even when you're grouchy, picking on this poor thing. Clearly, he can take your mood swings.” I look at the dog and see a little ball of opportunity.
“Fine. But you're on parental duty 50% of the time.” The dog yips and wags his tail, “Look there, Zeus, it's your mommy, awe, how cute.” Hayden drops his head, shaking it, while laughing at his new role.
Hayden turns around, heading back to the locker rooms, “Oh, he has an appointment at the new vet clinic, your dad gave me the number. It's at nine am.” Well, then, that’ll do.
I woke up at five a.m. because Zeus has an appointment at nine…No, I woke up at five a.m. because I am going to see Lilla in four hours, 30 minutes, and 28 seconds. I’m going to show little miss ‘nice to meet you’ just how much we’ve already met.
Now we are sitting outside the vet clinic, waiting for the right moment to go in. Assuming fifteen minutes will do, I grab my little pocket dog and head inside.
“Good morning!” An older gal, with bright yellow glasses, welcomes me in. She checks me in and takes me to the far back room, where she tells me to wait, the very thing I’ve been doing since before the sun rose. Cool beans.
After what feels like an eternity, there is a soft knock on the door, and Lilla slides in. Beautiful as ever. “Hello.” She doesn’t even look up; she beelines straight for Zeus.
“Hello, aren’t you a cutie!” He kisses her while jumping around, acting all big.
Lilla picks him up, walks him to the table, and places him on top while feeding him treats.
“Vicky says, you’ve just gotten him, so today we’ll give him his shots, and do an overall well check.
Then I’ll send home a sample bag. I’ll need you to bring in a stool sample so we can check for parasites.
” Still, her eyes stay fixated on Zeus. I eye her hard, hoping she feels my gaze burning into her every move.
Walking over to the table, I stand on the other side, placing my hand on Zeus's back, touching hers in the process. Quickly, she removes it.
“Alright, sweet pups, let’s see how healthy you are.
” She listens to his heart, checking over his paws, eyes, nose, and teeth.
She rubs his tummy, looking at his behind and under, before smiling to herself.
Her perfectly white teeth shine as her smile grows, “Looks like your Daddy was right, you are a Zeus, and not a Zeusette.” Oh, we got a funny girl, huh.
I smile at her, waiting for her eyes to find mine.
I clear my throat, trying my damndest to get her attention.
I watch her as she turns around, keeping one hand on Zeus, using the other to grab the shots.
“Need me to hold him?” I ask her with a slight chuckle.
“Nope,” she pushes the shots down between his shoulder blades, giving him a treat after each one. “All done, any questions?” This time, she finally looks up; her eyes are soft yet conflicted, as if the last thing on earth she wants to do is look at me.
“Umm, yes. Are you always this chipper with your new clients?” I give her my best smirk; Lilla shoots me an intense eye roll and a scoff, feisty.
I lick my bottom lip, bringing it between my teeth, fighting back another laugh, “Anyway, how much food should I feed him?” She lifts Zeus off the counter and leans back against the cabinets, crossing her arms.
“Zeus appears to be a mini golden doodle. He should eat three to four meals a day, until about six months, then you can drop it down to two to three meals a day.” She watches Zeus play with the chew toy on the floor.
I take a step towards her, “Right, mini. So he isn’t going to get much bigger?” I watch her straighten at my advancement.
She grabs her clipboard, nervously, “I’d say between 15 and 35 pounds. Is that all your questions?”
I shake my head, knowing she is trying her damndest to get rid of me.
What she doesn’t know is I’m not going anywhere.
The need to know her is intoxicating. “As far as exercise, how much does a mini doodle need?” I watch as her chest begins to rise and fall, her lips press tight, and her knees lock as she stands straighter. She’s nervous.
She swallows, “I’d say 40 to 90 minutes. He’ll be due back in four months for another round of shots. Bring in the fecal sample anytime, and I’ll be sure to test it.”
I grin at her need to flee, “Thanks. Lilla?” She looks up from giving Zeus love.
“Nice slogan.” I watch her intently, the way her eyes fall, how she bites the inside of her cheek, almost like she’s stopping herself from saying something.
She quickly opens the door and shows us out.
As we exit, I stop right in front of her, stealing her eyes with mine, “I hope you no longer think of floating, because you're too damn beautiful to float with sticks.”