Chapter 27
Lilla
‘I didn’t hold you long enough.’ His voice echoes through the phone, paralyzing me.
There were no words that could match his.
I didn’t have a comeback; all I could do was listen to the stillness of his breath after he said it, while he listened to mine.
I let his truth sink into my pores like water seeping into the ground after a drought.
The more he spoke, the harder I listened, begging to be freed from the heartache that was attached to his name.
He must have thought I had fallen asleep, because for what felt like the longest moment in my life, my brain was trying to speak to my jaded heart. There has been a constant ache, forever reminding me that it is safer to dance within the cracks of my broken heart than risk it completely shattering.
Jace’s admission not only grabbed my attention, but it also grabbed my heart.
He didn’t know it, but with each word, a tear fell, tears I had held back for so long, because I was raised not to cry. To grow up fast, and figure it out, and hearing him tell me the truth that I have longed for, it latched onto my heart like a leech needing my blood to survive.
He needed me to hear him, truly hear him, and I needed to listen to him.
I needed him to open his heart rather than his mouth.
All this time, he’s been cocky and arrogant, but tonight, he was raw and intentional with his words.
I loved cocky Jace, and I still find myself loving that side of him, but this side, this side stole my attention.
This was the man who crawled into bed that night with me, just to hold me.
This was the man who saved me every single time Ava tried to bully me.
Looking back, I should have seen it. In school, he would always drag her away.
At parties, he would cause a scene to get her attention.
He was always trying to save me, and that night on the bridge, he did.
When he left, and I spiraled, I went to that bridge so many damn times, willing myself to jump, to make it all go away.
My thoughts were stronger than the strength to keep them at bay.
Every time I stepped on that bridge, I thought, ‘Okay, this is it.’ Until my fingers grabbed the metal, and his words filtered in, ‘don’t jump.
’ Even though he was gone, his words still resonated, like a big neon sign flashing.
So instead of jumping, I’d stomp off that bridge, pissed that he still had power over me.
Now I sit up in bed, listening to the dial tone, overtaken by that power once again. It’s like my soul knows exactly who it belongs to, and it’s always been him.
The morning comes, and sleep doesn’t. I was up all night replaying his words, rewatching our last night together in my mind. Even on my drive into work, the memories crashed into me like waves crashing into the bluffs. Hard and beautiful.
To be seen by him at seventeen made every fiber of my being vibrate; he could be across the room, and I could feel him. Now, all these years later, the feeling is there, pulling me in.
I have a choice to make, because so far, what I’ve learned about Jace is that he doesn’t back down.
If I sit with my thoughts long enough, I realize I don’t want him to.
I don’t need anyone, and I have grown enough to understand that. I will figure it out, but since he’s been back, I find myself wanting more, wanting him.
The thought alone scares me. Opening myself up to be vulnerable again, to give him power to break my heart by leaving once again, is daunting.
The fear reminds me just how much I’ve suffered.
I know there are worse conditions. I know mine isn’t the worst case in the world.
Still, it’s like digging a knife into an old wound.
The choice is mine; I just need to figure out whether opening my heart will be worth the break.