10. Cole
TEN
Cole
At sea, I fall asleep before my eyes fully close, regardless of where I am. The entire crew is like that. We’re just too damn exhausted. Except for Morgan. His parents’ vagabond lifestyle meant he never felt safe while he slept.
I’m the only person he feels safe to sleep with. I never took for granted that he trusted me when he was most vulnerable. If I woke up before him, I always watched over him. Somehow, after everything I’ve put him through, he felt safe enough with me to fall asleep, to trust me not to hurt him.
And I left.
I left him sprawled out on his back, dark waves mussed against his pillowcase, thick lashes kissing beneath the forearm he draped over his forehead, exposing the feathery soft hair under his arms.
I tread lightly down the staircase and swipe a marker from the caddy on the kitchen table. The ticking clock on the wall is my only company as I write Finn a note on an empty coloring page. Even the robot riding a trike looks disappointed in me.
Hey, Finn
I put the marker down. Fuck. He’s probably going to wake up in a few hours and run downstairs like it’s Christmas morning and find nothing but this shitty note that ruined a perfectly good coloring page, and he can’t even read, so that means Morgan will have to read it to him.
It’s going to kill them both, but ending things now is better than waiting for the day Finn stops hero-worshipping me and realizes I’m the reason Seb’s not here. I have to let him go, and Morgan too.
Maybe I should move somewhere else. Alaska? He and the guys can fly up and meet me in Dutch Harbor. Then no one can guilt-trip me into ruining another of Finn’s birthdays, or twisting the knife in Morgan’s heart.
I had the best time celebrating you yesterday. I wish I could spend more time here, but I have to get back on the ocean.
I’m so sorry to let you down.
You are the coolest kid in the entire world. I love you so much! Never doubt that.
Keep playing catch with Uncle Mor. Hug him every day for me.
I miss you already.
Love, Uncle Cole
I cap the marker and bury my face in my hands. I need to get out of here, out of this house full of Seb, out of this life I don’t belong in. I need to stop hurting everyone. I need to just... stop.
Fog softens the sound of the front door snicking shut, but my footsteps echo jarringly. I step into a puddle, and the squelch sounds like a yell. I only make it a few houses down before a door opens and Morgan lopes toward me in nothing more than sweatpants.
“Where are you going?”
“Figured I’d walk to the bus stop.”
“The hell you are.” He snags my arm. “You can’t go. Finn—”
“Finn is better off without me.”
“That’s not true.”
“I can’t do this.” I can’t exist in a constant state of pain and regret.
Morgan frames my face. “You can do anything. You cheated death for fuck’s sake. Please. Let’s go back to bed. I’ll drive you home in the morning. Finn will be devastated if he wakes up without you.”
“I know.” I nod, taking his hands with me. “I’m sorry. Tell him whatever you want. Tell him I love him. Tell him I—”
He silences me with a kiss that steals the breath from my lungs and breaks my heart into shards. It’s the first time I’ve tasted his lips since I kicked him out. I want to give in, but in the end, I find my strength and push him away.
“Cole, please,” Morgan begs unashamedly.
This kind of shit is why I need to cut them both loose. I turn to go, but he seizes my hand, and links our fingers.
“Ignore me all you want. Punish me to punish yourself. Hurt me because you don’t think you deserve me. Fine. I’ll take that too. But I won’t let you hurt Finn.”
I yank my hand free.
“Cole! I’m serious. If you abandon Finn, we’re done.”
“Don’t put your guilt on me. You abandoned Finn by choosing me over Seb.”
He laughs, dry and harsh. “Really? You’re going to take it there?”
I shrug and walk away.
“The shipyard offered me to go full time,” he calls after me. “The money’s not as good, but it’s stable work.”
I whip around so fast, I forget screws and duct tape are the only thing holding my skeleton together. “You’re quitting the Briar?”
Maybe I kicked him out, maybe we’re headed to divorce, but quitting the Briar Anteros is worse than a divorce.
He’s worked there every year since he moved in with us.
He built his life around keeping his position on the boat, like he thought we’d get rid of him if he wasn’t useful, which was understandable, given his shithead parents.
But it means that losing Morgan is losing my right hand, my compass, my second in command, an engineer who knows Briar better than anyone except the man who built her.
“It’s the first season after losing Seb, my first season as captain, and you’re not going to be there?
” I shake my head, one sharp jerk that lances pain down my spine.
“No. You don’t get to quit. I never asked you to save me, and now you’re leaving me?
” My pulse pounds in my temple as fear and fury and reckless resignation fill me.
“Right. Well, message received.” I salute him.
“I’ll hire someone to fill your position. ”
“I’m not leaving the Briar. I’m staying home this year, and I want you to stay home with me. I already talked to Wes. He’s down to skipper for half our share, and willing to train another deckhand. You need distance. Your body needs to heal. Your heart. We need to fix us.”
“You don’t get it. I have to go. I can’t stay home.”
I need to return to where I lost Seb. We never found his body. I need to bury him at sea, the way our family has for generations. I need to prove that he didn’t die for me to destroy our legacy.
“Then explain it to me.”
“No, thanks.”
“At least let me drive you home.”
I shake my head and start walking again.
“You know you’re not the only one who lost someone, right?
” Morgan says, closing the distance. “If we’re arm wrestling over who has the most trauma, I’ll slam your hand to the table every time.
You lost your mom and dad? Me too. You lost Seb, but I lost him too.
I lost him, and then I lost my husband. You and Finn are my only family. ”
“You and Shay look comfortable. Do you like playing house with her? Maybe she’s the family you and Finn need.”
I don’t even mean it. I’m just an asshole now.
“Shay and I are friends. She’s not my family. She’s not you.”
“I keep thinking about what Dr. Evans said at our first visit.”
“You mean our only visit?”
Whatever. That’s not the point. “He said sometimes the only thing a marriage counselor can do is help two people realize that the best thing for both of them is to no longer be together.”
His Adam’s apple bobs. “That’s not us.”
“I think it is. Take the job. Stay home. I’ll earn enough to pay you for your half of the boat and divorce you when I get home.”
“Cole, I watched you go over the rail. I dove headfirst into a death sentence to save you. If you think you can throw away our marriage that easily, you’re mistaken.”
“You didn’t save me, though. You brought me back to live in agony.”
“Bullshit. You can’t hold that against me. Do you know what your last words to me were?”
I shake my head. Pain and blood loss muddled most of my memories of that night.
“Please don’t let me die. Do you know what Seb’s last words to me were? Take care of my brother. Go to the Bering Sea if that’s what it takes for you to forgive yourself, but let me keep the promise I made to Seb. Come home safe, even if you don’t come home to me.”
“I can’t promise that.”
On the ocean, nothing is promised, nothing except that the waves will keep coming. They’ll never stop.