Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
CONFESSIONS IN DINERS
LOLA
“We have a child?” He looks shell-shocked.
The color has drained from his face, and beads of sweat have popped out over his forehead. He looks like he might pass out. The sadness in his eyes is gutting me. I never planned on telling him about the baby.
I shake my head. “No.” I take a deep breath and sit on my hands to keep them from shaking. “I lost the baby. It happened not very long after I left.”
He slumps against the booth and just stares at me. “How far along were you?”
“Almost sixteen weeks.”
He winces. “God, Lola. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe you went through that alone.
” We sit there for a few moments, just absorbing it all.
Then he leans forward and sounds even more anguished than before.
“Why would you keep something like this from me? Did you really think I wouldn’t be supportive of you having our baby? ”
“I knew you’d try to be supportive, but that it wasn’t what you really wanted. You said you weren’t ready when I asked about having kids.”
“That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have been thrilled to know I was about to be a father!
I would’ve gotten ready!” His voice rises and he lowers his head, taking a deep breath.
He runs his hand through his hair, and his eyes meet mine.
“When did you find out you were pregnant? Was it right before you left?
“Not long. Remember that night you brought soup and ice cream to my place? I’d only known for a few days then.”
He makes a sound, his head shaking. “Yeah, I remember that night. I thought about it a lot after you left, wondering if I’d scared you off by saying I wanted to marry you one day.”
“You didn’t scare me off talking about marriage.”
“Why did you leave?” It sounds plaintive, and he looks lost.
I swallow the lump in my throat.
“There was so much I didn’t know, right?” His forehead is crinkled, and I can tell he’s struggling not to cry. “I didn’t know you were pregnant, I didn’t know Daniel was giving you trouble—”
“I…I shouldn’t have said anything about Daniel.” I rub my arm, antsy, and look around the diner and outside again.
“Who are you looking for? Why are you acting like this? What happened? Are you afraid of Daniel?” He leans in.
“I can’t talk about Daniel.”
“Why not?”
“He—” I shake my head.
“Lola. You’re freaking me out right now. Should I call Daniel right now and have him tell me what happened between the two of you?”
I reach out and grab his hand. “No!”
He looks down at my hand and puts his other hand on top. “You’re shaking.” His eyes are blazing when he looks at me. “What did he do to you, Lola?”
I close my eyes and drop my head, unable to stop the tears from pouring out.
This was the worst idea, all of it. I should’ve known I couldn’t be around Tully even one more time without spilling my guts.
I just had an uncontrollable urge to see him.
I’d been unsure about what I was going to say to him tonight, but I was not planning on telling him everything. I’m about to ruin us. Again.
I look up at him. “If I tell you things…you have to go on as normal with Daniel. You can’t change anything or act like you know—”
“I can’t promise that. Just please…” he says.
“Daniel knew about the baby. He caught me at the store the night I bought the test.”
His jaw clenches. “Did he convince you to leave?”
I move my hand out from under his and wipe my nose with a napkin. “I didn’t know we’d see Daniel tonight and that you would pick up on the tension between us,” I whisper.
“I deserve to know the truth. You tore me open, Lola.” The confession slips out, raw. “I didn’t know how to breathe without you for a long time.”
I can barely see through my tears. “I know. Because neither did I. And I’m so sorry I did that to you.”
His eyes drill into mine, his body on alert like he’s bracing himself.
“So how does Daniel play into all of this?” he asks. “Because I don’t understand how my agent could talk you into leaving me. Not when you claimed to have loved me so much.”
A group of teenagers comes in, talking loudly, and one of them recognizes Tully.
“Awesome game tonight, man,” the kid says.
“Thanks. Nice to have a Fierce fan in New York,” Tully says, forcing a smile.
When the group goes to their table, Tully waits for me to respond about Daniel.
“None of it sounds reasonable now. What I did was unforgivable,” I finally say.
“Let me be the judge of that,” he bites out.
“It was complicated,” I say. “Things were going on at home. My dad was gambling like crazy. I didn’t even know he had a gambling problem, but he was an addict.
My mom kicked him out, and Dad thought they were going to lose the house.
Daniel started showing up at work. He was even waiting for me after class one day. ”
“How did I miss this? Why would he do that?”
“He knew when you were in class or at practice, and he made sure to confront me when no one else was around, so no one could corroborate my story.”
“Fuck. What was he saying?”
“That I would wreck everything for you if I stayed. I would wreck everything for you if I kept the baby. I was a mess, Tully. I didn’t know what to do. It got crazy. He wore me down.”
He puts his hand on his head and tugs his hair.
“So you left.”
I take a deep breath and tell him what I’m most ashamed of. “He offered me money to leave, and I took it.”
There’s an audible gasp from Tully, and I flinch.
“He knew about my dad gambling, he—” I leave the words hanging. “I freaked out. I left, thinking I just needed some time away to think. I took the money and gave most of it to my dad and then used the rest to open up a tattoo shop.”
“So he was able to bribe you with money.” His voice sounds ice-cold, and I shiver, rubbing my hands over my arms.
“He made me promise I would never tell you about it…I could never have any contact with you, but even then, I thought there must be a way around that.”
“To have the best of both worlds. The life you wanted, and maybe me too, if you felt like it.”
“No. Tully, I wasn’t thinking clearly at all. I didn’t care about the money.” I sob, putting my head in my hands. “But once I’d taken it and woke up, realizing what I’d done, I knew I’d made a mistake.”
“That you’re just now confessing to?” he asks incredulously. He scoffs, his eyes narrowing. “You expect me to fucking believe that? How stupid do you think I am?”
I wipe my nose with my fist. “I knew you weren’t stupid. Once I was thinking clearly again, I knew you’d never forgive me for what I’d done. I couldn’t forgive myself…I still can’t.”
“You know what’s crazy? I would’ve given you the money!” His voice sounds ragged, and his eyes look haunted. “If you’d just asked me, I would’ve given you everything.”
“But it would’ve cost you everything, and that’s what I was trying so hard to avoid.”
His mouth falls in disbelief. “What would it have cost me? A broken heart? Got that. Embarrassment that my girlfriend ditched town without telling me? Lived through that. Didn’t know my relationship was going up in smoke until it was over?
I’m not sure what you think we avoided with you leaving because I sure as fuck lived through some shit. ”
“I’m so sorry.” My head drops, and I close my eyes, trying to calm myself.
I’m shaking and crying and basically losing it, and I can’t seem to pull it together.
I take a huge breath. “By the time I left, Daniel had me so convinced that I was ruining your life that I believed him. I thought you’d be so much better off without me.
It’s no excuse, it’s just…it’s what I believed at the time. ”
“So when you were finally”—he does finger quotes—“‘thinking clearly,’ had you just decided by then that you were better off without me? You had a successful store, your parents kept their house; all worked out just peachy?”
“I was never better off without you, Tully,” I say honestly.
He stands up and throws a wad of cash on the table. “I’ve heard enough. I’m not even sure what to believe right now.”
“I wouldn’t make this up, Tully. What would I stand to gain from that?”
“I don’t know, but I don’t understand why Daniel would go to such lengths to keep us apart,” he says.
“I’ve never understood why,” I say, my voice cracking.
“But he did it. He did everything I’m saying and more.
I’m so sorry I believed him and his words more than I believed in us.
I wish I’d just told you, but I was so scared.
Tully—” I stand up and move toward him, and he holds up his hand, stopping me from coming any closer.
“Please. You can’t talk to Daniel about this. Please.”
“You have no right to ask that of me.” He’s staring at me so coldly, I almost don’t recognize him.
For a few seconds, we’re at a standstill, and then my shoulders fall. I’ve come this far now…
“He blackmailed me. That’s why I took the money.” I wring my hands together. “And after seeing me with you tonight, he will retaliate. I don’t know how yet, but he will.”
Alarm flashes across his face, and I want to cry all over again. I don’t want to scare him, but I’m relieved that after what I’ve told him, he still cares about me at all.
“The guilt consumed me when I was away. I tried to call you to tell you about the baby, despite Daniel. It was after one of your games. I should’ve picked a better time to call you, but I watched your game, and I was missing you.
I couldn’t keep waiting to tell you. I called you from work, and you picked up, but I could tell you were drunk and not really hearing me.
Daniel took your phone, and he said he guessed I was asking for trouble.
I begged him to please give me a chance to tell you.
He promised he would, and I believed him. But it just made everything worse.”
Now he’s the one who looks outside.
“My God, Lola. What the fuck? What do you mean, retaliate? Is he watching us right now?” he asks.
“I don’t know. Probably not. My guess is, he’ll force me out of my shop. Sometimes I don’t hear from him for months, sometimes a year.” I lift my shoulder. “But he never lets it go. I think I’ve become a game to him.”
Tully sits back down, looking shaken. “I’m listening.”
“His first threat was that he’d make sure my dad went to prison—and I didn’t know enough about what my dad had gotten involved in to know if that was even possible.
But it scared me, and when I first left, that’s where I went—home to talk to my dad and find out.
Daniel had already been there, acting like he was saving the day with my dad as an investor for his business.
I realized that he’d been bluffing about my dad going to prison and called him on it, and he said the money he’d given him was dirty and there was now a paper trail with my dad’s name all over it. ”
“What the fuck.” Tully runs both hands through his hair and looks like he wants to hit something.
“I still tried to go back to school to talk to you, and he left a message on my phone, doubling down on my dad going to prison. He wasn’t bluffing after all. And he said he’d tell you I’d taken money from him and disappeared…that he’d smear my name, whatever it took. I believed him.”
“What did your dad do? What did he think about all of this?”
“He doesn’t know the whole story. He knows that I had something to do with Daniel giving him money. Honestly? He doesn’t want to know the whole story, and that’s probably for the best.”
“I can’t believe this.” His eyes are wide, and he lets out a pained laugh. “I’m…speechless.”
“He pretended not to know that I live in New York tonight, but…he’s always known exactly where I am. Every now and then, he still reminds me it’s not over. Once, he saw me at one of your games, and the next morning, the rent to my shop tripled.”
“What the fuck? I’m sorry. I just…I’m freaking the fuck out.” He pauses. “So…in Nantucket, when you said your rent was going up…was that Daniel? Or just a coincidence?”
“He found out I’d been to Windhaven.”
“So, did you know Windhaven was my family’s resort?”
“No. I didn’t. That was all Patrick.”
“My agent has been blackmailing you for years, while I’ve lined his pockets. I…don’t even know what to say.”
“It’s a lot, I know.”
“I’m afraid to let you out of my sight now. How have you lived like this? Are you always watching your back?” He leans in and takes my hands. “Has he ever physically hurt you?”
“No, he hasn’t. He has other ways of destroying people. But that doesn’t mean I don’t believe he’s capable of it.”