Chapter 20
20
Last Christmas
I’m so sorry , he writes on the blank piece of paper. It’s more of a scrawl than legible handwriting – he’s always been told he writes like a doctor, all pinched and slanted and jumbled, like he has better things to be doing than scribing longhand. But who writes by hand any more? It’s an unnecessary skill, penmanship. He’s trying his best, though, to make it look thoughtful. He knows that much is important.
He pauses. Pinches the bridge of his nose. He has a headache. This doesn’t feel good, to be doing this.
But he must.
It’s for the best.
I have led you on , he continues. I am not good for you. Please forgive me, and let’s not speak of this again …
He sighs, staring at what he has done.
‘You’ll regret this, you know.’
He looks up. He didn’t realise he was being watched.
‘Maybe,’ he replies, and his headache gets worse as he folds the paper and writes her name on one side.
‘It’s none of our business,’ Alex insists. ‘And he’s not a bad guy, is he? He’s your best friend – surely if he’s good enough for you, he’s good enough for Flo?’
Laurie looks at him, but quickly averts his eyes.
‘It’s not that,’ Laurie insists, pulling out another piece of paper from the notebook. On it, he writes exactly the same thing: I’m so sorry . I have led you on. I am not good for you. Please forgive me, and let’s not speak of this again …
He signs it, Flo , and after it is folded, he puts Jamie’s name on the front.
‘So he thinks she’s bailed, and she’s going to think he’s bailed?’ Alex asks.
‘I’m not a bad person,’ Laurie says. ‘It’s just … he’s still in a bad way, you know? After his parents? And Flo is still healing. At one point or another these past few years I thought I was going to lose both of them. It’s been awful. So fucking horrible . You can’t let two broken people get together and expect them to make one another whole. This isn’t a fairy tale, Al. It’s real life! I’m trying to live as a married man, trying to become a father. I can’t look after Jamie, and after Flo, when it doesn’t work out. They could destroy each other, surely you see that. And then what? Jamie is family now. It will ruin everything. And they’ll get over it. He’s got a lead on a sailing job, and Flo lives in Scotland. They need time to fall for other people and forget about each other.’
‘I see your point,’ says Alex. ‘But I’m backing away now. I’m going to pretend I’ve seen nothing, if I can’t stop you.’
‘You can’t,’ replies Laurie.
Alex steps out of the living room and creaks away upstairs, and Laurie holds the letters in his hand, the fire blazing wildly at his side. He could burn the things, let it all unfold as it may. But he can’t. It’s better this way , he thinks. He’s not a bad person. He’s doing this because he loves them.