Chapter 13 #2
“No! Don’t scare her… don’t!”
I hear her mumble in the background. My eyes wander over the dirty dishes in the sink. Then I focus on the pile of mail I need to go through. I try to concentrate on a cobweb I see hanging from the light fixture, but the pain causes me to fall to my knees and drop the phone.
I hear her through the receiver. “The ambulance is on its way, honey! Okay? I’m on my way too. I’ll stay with the kids. It’s going to be fine. Talk to me, Ev. Please talk to me!”
I STARE AT the cream-colored wall of my hospital room and the small crack toward the baseboard.
I feel empty and alone. I lost the baby.
She’s gone. I don’t know for sure if it was a girl, but in my heart, I feel her loss.
Gwen called my Grandma Kay against my wishes, and she came to the house to stay with the kids.
I asked her not to tell them anything, so she told them I wasn’t feeling well and that I’d be back in no time.
She cleaned up all the blood so they wouldn’t see it.
I can’t even imagine the scene I left, and I feel even guiltier for having to rely on her.
Gwen wanders into my room with a big cup of Diet Coke and a cookie. “Hey, look what I found,” she says, holding them up. She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. I can barely look at her.
I nod my head and go back to staring at the wall.
“Talk to me.”
I shake my head.
“You need to talk about it,” she whispers as she places the items on a nearby tray table.
I fixate on the wall. I can’t blink my eyes. “No, I don’t.”
“Ev, please. You’re scaring me.”
I force my eyes closed and think back to the emergency room doctor trying to find a heartbeat.
I begged and pleaded with God to hear it, to let him find it, but there was nothing.
Not a single sound. The doctor said it was an early-term miscarriage.
The nurse tried to tell me it happens sometimes.
That the fetus wasn’t viable and that it was nature’s way.
Fuck nature and fuck her. Has she ever lost a baby?
Did she think I wanted or needed to hear her tell me my baby wasn’t viable?
Tears spill down my cheeks, and Gwen leans down to wrap me in her arms.
I accept her embrace because as much as I want to be by myself, I also don’t want to be alone. My chin begins to quiver. My impending words cause physical pain in the back of my throat as I make my confession. “It’s my fault,” I whisper into her shoulder.
She pulls back to regard me. “What do you mean it’s your fault?” she questions in a strained voice.
My inner strife haunts me. I swallow hard. To say the words out loud confirms my betrayal in my heart. “When I first found out I was pregnant, I told God I didn’t want her. He listened. He took her away because he knew I didn’t deserve her.”
She gently strokes my hair. “No!” Gwen blinks rapidly and grips my arm. “God wouldn’t do that. It’s not your fault! You can’t wish a baby away! And God knows you didn’t mean anything you might have said.”
I recoil from Gwen. My extremities shake uncontrollably. “Does she? Does my baby girl know? Does she know how sorry I am? That I wasn’t good enough for her? That I wasn’t good enough to keep her safe?”
“Ev, no! That’s not true. You’re the best mom in the world. You really are! Have I ever lied to you?” Gwen pauses, and I know she’s at a loss for words. She gives me a sidelong glance. “Except for that one time when I told you I didn’t eat your cupcake in college?”
I know she means to make me smile, but I can't. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to smile again; the tears are endless.
She clenches her jaw and reaches for me once more.
“You didn’t do this. I know how you are.
You blame yourself for everything. But you need to try to think like a nurse.
We both know from school that sometimes things go wrong.
Sometimes placentas detach, sometimes pregnancies are ectopic, and sometimes babies just aren’t… ”
I turn to face her as my sadness turns to rage. “Don’t you dare say viable! Don’t say it! She was alive. She was growing and thriving inside me, and now… now she’s gone. She was viable. Don’t tell me she wasn’t!”
Gwen pulls back in haste. “I was going to say that maybe she just wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes God loves a child so much he decides he doesn’t want to lose them in heaven, so he calls them home before they’re even born.”
I take small breaths as I cry. I close my eyes as my chest heaves. “I miss her. I want her back. I want her.” I grab hold of her arm as I whimper. “You know I wanted her, don’t you?”
Gwen nods. “Of course you did!”
“I want another chance. I want my baby!”
Gwen leans down and holds me once again.
She stays with me until I cry myself out.
Until I’m gasping lightly and my face is soaking wet.
She leaves briefly and comes back with five boxes of tissues.
My lip curls upward slightly when she dumps them around me.
I know she’s trying to be strong for me, but she can’t hide her red nose. I know she’s been crying too.
I hear her before I see her. She’s talking to the nurses outside my room and asking where I am. I try my best to pull myself together, but there isn’t enough time.
She rounds the corner into my room and stops in the doorway.
Her lips press together into a fine line, and I can see a slight tremble in her jaw.
I lose it again, and she rushes over to me.
I sit up and she takes me in her arms. I bury myself in her embrace.
She doesn’t say a word and she doesn’t need to.
We stay like that until I push away. Grandma Kay never pulls out of a hug first. It’s her thing.
She wipes my eyes with her thumbs and lifts my head to look me in the eyes.
“God doesn’t make mistakes. That baby was a gift while she was here, and we will always love her and remember her.
Your mommy and daddy will take care of her for you.
Don’t you worry your pretty little head, songbird.
That baby is in your momma’s arms, and she’ll hold her until the day you come to get her yourself.
Now that’s a long, long time away, and you have two other little angels who love you and need you here now.
You need to remember that, okay? There are still a lot of blessings in your life. Understand?”
I nod yes as she wipes the tears away and holds a tissue to my nose. “Now blow.”
I try my best to appease her with a tiny puff.
“Oh, come on. I can hear all the snot in there. Blow it like you mean it!”
I blow hard and she and Gwen both chuckle through their restrained tears. I manage a small smile as I hold another tissue to my nose and take care of the rest myself.
Grandma Kay reaches out her hand to Gwen, and she joins us on the bed. “We both love you, Ev. Don’t you doubt that for a single second. We’re here for you. Always.”
I nod my head at them and realize how fortunate I am to have such strong women in my life.
I need to pull myself together, if not for the kids, then in honor of my precious baby girl.
Even though I only knew she existed for a few hours, she changed everything.
I will feel the loss of her presence forever.
I see Grandma Kay and Gwen exchange glances, and I know something’s wrong.
“What?” I ask as I wipe my nose.
“Nothing,” Gwen responds, shaking her head and shrugging her shoulders.
If I didn’t know her any better, I’d believe her. But they are communicating with their eyes. They know something.
“What?” I ask again more forcibly.
“Nothing, songbird. Now you just focus on you for now. Gwen and I have everything covered.”
I glance back and forth between them, and I realize they know more than they’re letting on. I close my eyes and sigh. “Did you talk to Mike?”
They glare at each other for a moment and Gwen stands, strutting toward the door, her shoulders slowly lifting as she moves. I can see she’s fisting a wad of tissues in her hand. Grandma Kay twists her watch on her wrist and wrinkles her nose.
“Just tell me,” I command.
“I called him.” Gwen turns and speaks with hesitation. “I didn’t know what happened until after I told him. He said you had a fight. I’m sorry, but he should be here any min—”
Before she can finish her sentence, Mike ambles through the door. My stomach twists and turns. He’s the last person I want to see right now or ever.
I bare my teeth as my sadness turns to unbridled rage.
“Get out!” I scream. “Get out of my room! You don’t deserve to be here.
To act like you care about her or about me.
Get out!” I howl through my returning sobs.
Two nurses rush into my room, and Mike stands stiff as a board with his eyes glued open in shock at my outburst. The nurses order him to leave as I continue to shout at him and cry. “I hate you, Mike Haley! I hate you!”
Grandma Kay rushes over to me and grabs my hands in hers. “Look at me!” she demands. “Did that man touch you? Did he hurt you?”
I take a deep breath and attempt to calm myself.
He’s gone, but his lingering presence still makes me ill.
“No,” I manage, but the ferocity of my hate for him causes my voice to shake with returning anger.
“He didn’t physically hurt me. He just let me know that his parents forced him to marry me, that he pity-fucked me, and that he didn’t want me or the baby! ”
Gwen leaps to her feet and charges the door. “Gwen!” I yell. But it’s too late. She’s gone.
“Let her do what she needs to do,” Grandma Kay comforts as she pats my hand.
I feel my muscles tense as I fall back onto the bed. My stomach has an empty ache, and I feel her loss invade my senses once more.