Chapter 14
I’D LIKE TO think I was certain when I married him.
Certain he was “the one.” Certain we would always be in love like we were in the beginning.
I first met him at an off-campus college party.
Gwen and I had just finished a major research paper and we needed a night out.
I remember when he bumped into me. He feigned surprise and I rolled my eyes.
He smiled when he knew I wasn’t the kind of girl who bought into pick-up lines and pretenders.
I brushed him off immediately, and he actively pursued me throughout the night.
He was okay, different from the type of guy I was usually attracted to.
I always went for the tall, dark, and handsome type, like Nick.
Mike was just a little taller than me, blond, and cute.
He wasn’t normal for me, but I convinced myself different didn’t always mean bad.
I have to admit I admired his tenacity. I even told him to fuck off at one point.
He seemed even more attracted to me after I appeared unattainable.
He kept asking me questions. I had nothing better to do, so I talked to him.
Before the end of the night, he knew my major, what dorm I lived in, and had even introduced himself to Gwen.
She wasn’t impressed. I’m pretty sure she met Alex at that party.
In hindsight, we should have stayed home and eaten cupcakes.
Maybe things would have been different. But then I wouldn’t have Kale or Marlow, and I love them with all my heart.
When Marlow was born and I came home from the hospital, Mike had cleaned the entire house.
Kale was standing in the doorway with Grandma Kay wearing an “I’m a big brother” t-shirt.
I guess Mike bought it at the hospital gift shop.
It made me smile. He doted on Marlow. He changed diapers, took care of me, and helped me stand after my second cesarean.
This one was planned in advance, and my blood pressure was monitored closely.
My pregnancy with Marlow was textbook. I craved sugar, had three months of morning sickness, and only gained twenty pounds.
Mike and I seemed closer than ever after her birth.
Now I realize it was because he had been repurchased as a husband by his parents: a master’s degree in exchange for more fake love and devotion.
At the time, it seemed as if he had self-renewed his marriage vows to me.
Once I was able to have sex again, he was all over me.
He’d come home from work and help me put the kids to bed.
Then, as soon as we knew they were asleep, he’d make love to me.
We tried all kinds of positions, and things were pretty awesome for a few months.
One night he came home from work and seemed distraught.
He said he didn’t want to talk about it, but I could tell something was wrong.
From then on out he became more distant.
A few weeks later after coming home later than usual, he asked me, “Do you ever feel like we rushed into everything?”
“What do you mean?” I ask in confusion.
“Getting married, buying this house?”
I turn on my side to face him in bed. “Well, it wasn’t the most perfect of circumstances.”
“No,” he says, shaking his head and laughing lightly.
“But we made it work, right?”
“Yeah,” he responds with a smile. “Yeah. It’s all for the best.”
I smile back at him. “Everything happens for a reason.”
He nods his head and quickly kisses my lips. He turns his back to me and I spoon him. “I love you, Mike.”
“I know,” he responds. “I know you do.”
He turns over and lifts my face to his. He closes his eyes and begins to kiss me. “Fuck me,” he says through his kiss.
I laugh. “Fuck you?”
He opens his eyes and gazes at me. “Let’s roleplay. You game?”
I bite my lips and shrug my shoulders. “Yeah, I’m game. What do you have in mind?”
“Hmm…” he ponders. “Let’s pretend we’re both single. I met you at a party after work. Your name is… Krista.”
I laugh. “Okay. What’s Krista like?”
“Krista loves cock. Especially the idea of mine. In her mouth, in her pussy, in her ass.”
My eyes pop out. “In her ass?” I question, startled. We’ve never done that.
“I’m not saying you have to do it. We’re just pretending.”
“Go on,” I say, amazed by how turned on I’m becoming at the idea.
“She invites me into her office, where she proceeds to seduce me.”
“Um hmm…” I rub my hand on his chest.
“Okay… go!”
“Oh! Now?” I stammer.
He nods his head in excitement.
“Hey, Mike.” I flounder. “Wait, what’s your name?” I question dubiously.
“Umm… just call me Mike. I don’t really care at this point. I’m so turned on by you. Just talk to me. Show me what you would do if you really wanted me.”
“I do really want you!” I laugh.
“Just play. Okay?”
“Fine,” I murmur and roll my eyes at him.
“Why are you rolling your eyes at me, Krista?” he asks seductively.
“Umm… because I’m trying to figure out how to get you to want me.”
“It’s not hard,” he responds.
I reach down and grab his dick in my hand. “Not yet.”
After giving him a sexy blowjob and some of my best moves, he flips me over and takes me from behind.
It’s hot and sweaty. I try not to mind that he calls me Krista while he’s asking me if I want to be fucked.
I go with it, reminding myself it’s just a game.
After we’ve both been satisfied, Mike closes his eyes, and I begin to feel a little weird about it all.
It’s the first time he’s asked me to use a different name during sex.
“Mike?”
“Um hmm?”
“Do you like to just fuck? I mean, would you rather just fuck than make love?”
Mike sighs and kisses my cheek. “I love making love to you. This was just for fun, okay? Don’t go reading into it.”
I nod my head, and he smiles briefly before turning over and going to sleep. Something in my gut wonders if he knows a Krista, but then I remind myself that he loves me. It’s just for fun. Everything is fine.
We often ignore the truth to protect our hearts.
But denial is temporary. The lies we tell ourselves burn forever in the corners of our mind.
They linger and tease their legitimacy until we are willing to surrender to what we already know.
They whisper and warn while we purge and ignore.
It is easier to live a lie than to face the facts.
Everything is not and will never be okay. It’s time to crawl into my reality.