Chapter 15
AN HOUR AFTER Grandma Kay leaves to pick up the kids from school, I’m fully dressed and waiting for my discharge papers.
Grandma Kay had the foresight to bring me fresh clothes.
I’m thankful when the hospital agrees to dispose of the clothing I was wearing when I lost her.
I don’t think I could stand to see the blood again.
I sigh as I stare at the identification band around my wrist showing my admittance.
I vow that I’ll keep it forever. It’s all I have left of her.
It’s as if she never even existed. The realization makes the tears flow again.
My thoughts are interrupted by the nurse.
She’s not the same nurse I saw the night before, and for that, I’m very thankful.
“Hi, sweetie. I’m here to go over a few things with you before you go home, okay?”
I nod my head.
“I don’t mean to sound insensitive at all, so please understand that the things I need to tell you are not meant to cause you any further emotional pain.”
I nod again, and she scoots down next to me on the bed. She gives me a quick side hug, and I like her instantly. Her amazing bedside manner reminds me of the kind of nurse I want to be. I promise myself that if… no, when I become one, I will always be sensitive to my patients’ feelings and needs.
“You may continue to bleed for a few days up to a few weeks. This is normal. If you experience any abnormally heavy bleeding, you should contact your OB/GYN. Has Dr. Gernsbaugh been in to see you?”
I nod my head. I really want to get this over with as quickly as possible.
I hear footsteps in the hall, but they stop abruptly outside my door.
I consider the idea that I’m hearing things until I see my nurse gaze toward the door expectantly.
She glances at me after a moment, shrugs her shoulders, and continues to tell me not to use tampons, to make sure I clean myself thoroughly, and to abstain from sex.
I laugh at the absurdity of the “sex” part, and she pauses.
After she gives me some at-home supplies and a last dose of pain medicine, she wishes me well.
She turns before she leaves and offers me a handout.
“I know how you’re feeling right now. I’ve been where you are. It does help to talk about it. You can call me anytime. I wrote my number on the top of this sheet.”
I glance at the page. I read “Nurse Patty” at the top with her digits underneath. Then I notice the handout has grief support group information on it. I try to hand it back and tell her I don’t need it, but she insists, so I take it to appease her.
“Do you have a ride home?”
“Umm, yeah. I texted my friend. She should be here any minute now.”
She smiles kindly before she leaves and tells me to call her if I need anything. I neatly fold the paper and stick it into the back pocket of my jeans. I just want to go home. Home… I haven’t even considered what I’m going to do next.
I hear a knock and glance up, expecting to see Gwen. Instead, I see Mike. Mike with a black eye.
“Get out!” I yell, pointing toward the door.
“Please let me talk to you. Please?” he begs.
“What could you possibly have left to say to me? Did you come to kick me when I’m down?”
Mike takes a step toward me with his hands out, and I lift mine to stop him from coming closer.
“I just wanted to say how sorry I am for everything. The things I said to you last night, they weren’t true.
Nothing was true. I was angry and I lashed out.
I made stuff up that I thought would hurt you.
It was childish and insensitive. I know my behavior was completely inexcusable.
I wish I could go back and handle things differently. ”
I eye him suspiciously. Does he really think I’m buying a single word?
“I’m so sorry about our baby. So sorry, Everly.” He takes another step toward me, and I tell him to stop.
“You mean you’re sorry about my baby? MY BABY?”
“Everly, please don’t. I know you’re angry with me, but I feel the loss too. I’m sad too.”
“Fuck you, Mike Haley! Fuck you and your apologies and your mind games. Fuck you for your words and your anger. Fuck you for your pity and your lies. I’ve known you for almost twelve years. Do you really think I can’t tell the difference between a lie and the truth, especially now?”
“Everly, I swear. None of it was true! I made it all up!”
I feel the pain of my jagged nails biting into my palms. I didn’t even realize how tightly my hands were clenched. “Where did you go last night?” I question forcibly.
His eyes glaze over and he clears his throat. “I went to my parents’.”
I nod my head knowingly, and a small smile lifts the corner of my mouth.
“What?” he questions with his hands in the air.
“How much did they offer you this time? How much do you get if you stay with me another year? Your doctorate? The house in their will?” I shift my hands in front of my chest, making an invisible X, and shake my head.
“Never mind, I don’t really give a shit.
I’m tired of being your excuse for the sadness that consumes your life. Find someone else to blame. I’m done.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? You’re done?” He laughs, altering his posture and crossing his arms. “Where are you going to go?” he questions. “I’m all you have, Everly. I’m all you have.”
“Like fuck you are!” I hear and see Gwen’s anger as she enters the room. “Back the fuck away from her, you piece of shit, or I’ll blacken your other eye!”
I gasp loudly.
Mike places his hands up in defense and turns his head to face me. “I should press charges.” It was meant to sound tough, but it comes out like a whimper.
“Go ahead,” Gwen states as she steps toward him. “Go ahead and tell everyone how a tiny five-foot, four-inch girl kicked your ass. Make sure you add how you begged me to stop and how you cried after I hit you.”
Mike takes another step backward and lifts his eyes to the clock on the wall. “This isn’t done, Everly. We’ll talk about this when I get home. I have a meeting. I need to go.”
As he slowly backs out around Gwen, she adds, “Oh yeah. We’ll definitely talk about it tonight. All three of us.”
“What do you mean all three of us?” he questions.
“Oh… didn’t you tell him?” She directs the question toward me and I’m dumbfounded. “I’m moving in,” she states. “Along with Grandma Kay. You know, to help Ev recover and to guard her from your sorry ass and your sorry lies.”
“Like hell you are!” he shouts.
“Hey, if you don’t like it, I’m sure your mommy and daddy would be thrilled to have your pathetic ass back under their roof. Maybe you’ll get a new car out of it.”
“Fuck you, Gwen!”
Gwen lurches toward him and Mike all but runs from the room.
I feel a single tear flit down my cheek.
Her shoulders slump when she sees my face. “Hey…” Concern flows from her words. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have gone on like that with him. I know how hard all of this is on you. I just hate him.” She visibly shakes. “I. HATE. HIM. I can say that with complete and total honesty.”
I sniffle.
“I know I invited myself over,” she continues, “and I would totes understand if you don’t want me to move in.”
My head lowers as I ask, “You’d really stay with me?”
She smiles and grabs my hand, squeezing it gently. “I’d really.”
“What about Wookie?”
My dad said he’d watch him while my mom visits my cousin Kallie and her husband Adam in Atlanta. It’s all good!”
I pause for a moment as I stare down at my tissue-filled hands. “What am I going to do, Gwen?”
She rests on the corner of the bed and hesitates as she considers what to say. “You’re going to take it one day at a time, and I’m going to help you. You’re gonna get through this. I promise you. Someday, it’s all going to be okay.”
I desperately want to believe her, but right now, all I feel is empty. The life I thought I had ended along with the life I thought I was going to have. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know where to start.