Chapter 20
ONE WEEK OF walking on the treadmill, no sugar, and lots of protein, and I start to feel better. Then it all gets flushed down the toilet the night the kids come home from dinner with Mike.
The door opens and slams shut. I hear them whispering and mumbling in the hall.
“Shhh…” Marlow hushes loudly.
“You shhh. You’re the one who’s yelling.”
I push myself away from the kitchen table and my books to greet them by the door. “Shhh about what?” I ask as I take their backpacks and plant a small kiss on the top of Marlow’s head.
“Marlow said I shouldn’t tell you because Dad told us not to, but I think you’d want to know.”
“Dad told you not to tell me something?” I question.
“Kale!” Marlow yells. “You’re just going to make her cry and I don’t want to hear her cry again.”
My lips curl downward. I know I’ve been prone to tears a lot the last few months, but I didn’t realize how much it bothered the kids.
“I’m sorry,” I state with a frown as I side hug her. “I didn’t realize I was crying that much. I’m really doing much better,” I say with a small, reassuring smile.
“Yeah, and that’s exactly why Kale needs to keep his mouth shut.”
“Shut up, Marlow.”
“You shut up!”
“Hey!” I shout over them. “You don’t have to tell me unless it’s something inappropriate or something that concerns you.”
“It’s concerning, all right!” Kale says with a wave of his hand and eyes that glare with a secret that’s bursting to be told.
“Kale! Daddy said no. He said it would upset Mommy and she didn’t need to know he’s dating!” Marlow covers her mouth with her hand as the secret slips out.
Kale laughs loudly. “Now who’s the blabbermouth?”
I try to keep my emotions in check and hold my expression. I don’t want them to think it affects me at all. I summon a breath and tell them what I’ve read in all my parenting books about divorce. “Your father and I are divorced. He’s free to date whoever he wants.”
“Really?” Marlow asks.
I nod my head yes as my mind races over all Mike’s first date moves. I feel a twinge of jealousy to know he’s already moved on.
“See, Dad had nothing to worry about. Mom’s totally cool with us meeting her for dinner and stuff,” Kale responds.
“Wait, what?” I ask as I grab his arm. “You met someone?”
“Yeah,” Marlow continues. “Daddy said he wanted us to meet her ‘cause she’s important to him and he wants us to be okay with the four of us spending time together.”
Room spinning.
I stare at the unsure smile on Marlow’s face and try not to burst into tears. My mind races with questions. The first question is, How long has this been going on? Which is immediately followed by, Is she pretty? Then I secretly pray she’s a dog and the kids hate her.
“Mom, you’re really okay with this?” Kale asks, noticing the distant look in my eyes.
I wave it off. The last thing I want is for them to tell Mike I’m jealous. Is that what I am? “I’m fine with it!” I say with a fake, forced smile. As soon as my back is to the kids, I feel my lips shoot downward.
We slowly tread to the kitchen when I hear Kale’s voice. “See, Mom doesn’t care about Krista.”
I stop dead in my tracks and gasp. Abruptly turning, I ask, “Did you say Krista?”
The kids’ smiles fade and are replaced by worrisome dread as they glance at one another, unsure what to say or do.
“Krista?” I question again to make sure I heard them correctly.
They remain motionless which answers my question.
“Does Krista work with your dad?” I ask in a hostile tone.
“I think so,” Kale responds sheepishly.
More questions I want to ask flood my mind.
How long has he been seeing her? What did he say to you exactly?
What did she say? Did either of them mention me?
I picture Mike and Krista laughing at me.
“Krista” from his sex fantasy? How many Kristas can there be in the world?
I imagine Mike telling the kids our entire marriage was based on one ultimatum after another and then explaining that Krista is their new mommy.
Kale grabs my arm spiritedly. “You’re freaking out, aren’t you?
Do you want Dad back now?” he questions eagerly.
He races toward the phone on the wall. “I can call him for you. I can tell him you don’t want him dating Krista because you still love him.
Then we can move back home and we can be a family again! ”
I instantly understand Kale’s motivation for wanting me to know. I reach out to take the phone from him.
He grins widely. “Do you want to call him yourself?”
Marlow begins to bite her hair as she shifts from one foot to the other, watching me intently. I know I need to be careful what I say. I pray for the right words to come to me, but I have nothing. I take the home phone and place it back on the charger. Kale frowns.
“No, Kale. I’m not going to call your dad.
” I lead him gently toward the table as I fall into the chair.
I need to put my feelings about Krista aside and deal with the real issue.
“I know how hard all of this is on the two of you, but you need to understand that your father and I won’t ever be getting back together. ”
“Why not?” Kale asks as he yanks his hand away from me.
“Because we tried being married and it didn’t work.”
“Well, try again!” he shouts. “You say you know what this is like for me, but you don’t!
Twice a week I go to Dad’s and have to sit with him while he tries to pretend he cares about stuff.
He buys us McDonald’s and acts like it’s enough.
Then all of a sudden we meet Krista and he acts different. He put on a damn show for her!”
“Don’t swear!” I correct.
“Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it?” he spouts back.
I glance over at Marlow and she’s now biting her nails.
She stares at me anxiously, hanging on my every word and expression.
I realize I’m being tested and I need to remain strong.
“What am I going to do?” I respond. “I’m going to give you a chance to apologize, and if you don’t, then you’re going to lose your video games for a week. ”
“Take them!” he cries back, tears flowing down his cheeks. “I don’t care about them. I don’t care about anything. My life sucks and it’s all your fault!”
He backs up slowly at first then dashes up the stairs.
I hear his sobs and my heart breaks apart.
I’ve been kidding myself into thinking the kids are handling the divorce better than I am.
The truth is, we all handle stress and sadness differently, and I should have known they were struggling more than they were letting on.
I immediately want to chase after him, but I see Marlow’s fearful, nervous expression and I decide to give Kale a moment to himself while I talk to her.
“Come here, baby,” I whisper.
She climbs onto my lap and rests her head on my chest. “He doesn’t understand,” she says empathetically.
“Doesn’t understand what?” I ask, stroking her curly blond hair.
“That you don’t love each other anymore.”
I close my eyes and reposition her so that I can see her face. “I will always love your daddy because he gave me the two of you. But there’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with them.”
“There is?” she asks as her big blue eyes search mine in consideration.
“Yes. I know it’s hard for you to understand, but being in love means you think about someone first and put their needs above yours.
That you want their happiness more than you want your own.
Your heart is so full of them that you feel it may burst. You can’t get close enough and they’re all you think about. ”
She nods her head and then I watch it fall as she speaks lovingly. “Yeah, I get it. That’s how I feel about Norman.”
My eyes squint and I almost chuckle to myself until I realize she’s serious. “Norman from soccer?” I question as I run my fingers through her curls.
“Uh huh. I let him take the ball from me at practice today because I wanted him to be happy. I think about him all the time. That’s what you mean, right?”
I smile down at her. “Kind of. You really like him, huh?”
“Yeah, but he likes Olivia. He gave her my ball. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t.”
“What did you do?”
“I took it away from her and kicked her hard in the shin.”
“Marlow!” I half laugh, half shout.
She glances up at me, sees my expression, and begins to laugh too. “Will he ever love me, Mom?”
My eyebrows shoot up as I ponder how to answer. “Love is tricky. He may or he may not, but I know that doesn’t make your heart hurt any less.”
She stares off into the distance for a moment and huffs out her decision on the matter. “Know what? I decided my heart doesn’t hurt at all. If he’s going to take the gift I gave him and give it away, then he really doesn’t deserve me, does he, Mom?”
I smile at her confidence and allow her words to sink in.
They apply on so many levels. It appears my little girl is more self-assured and mature than her mother.
“No, he doesn’t!” I state assuredly. Her responding gaze lifts my heart.
“Have I told you lately how absolutely brilliant you are?” I ask her.
She smiles. “You think I’m brilliant?”
“Yes, darling. You’re so much smarter than I am. Don’t ever forget that anyone should feel privileged to have your love. If they don’t want it, then you don’t want them.”
She frowns briefly. “You aren’t in love with Daddy, are you?”
I shake my head.
She nods. “Is Krista in love with Daddy?”
My heart jolts. “I don’t know.”
“Okay,” she quickly responds, losing interest. She jumps off my lap and skips into the family room, turning on the TV. Within a few minutes, she’s fully engrossed in an old rerun of “Full House” and is laughing hysterically to herself.