Chapter 21
GWEN COMES HOME from working a double after I get home from driving the kids to school. Pretty soon they’re going to have to start taking the bus, but I decide to hold off on telling them that until it has to happen. Marlow hates the bus.
“How was work?” I ask. Gwen seems exhausted.
“We were shorthanded in the ER, so I had to go down to cover for three hours. I had to put a catheter in an eighty-two-year-old man. He seemed a little eager for me to touch his privates. Then later I had to find a vein in a dehydrated three-year-old. He was screaming and fighting the whole time. As much as I love Peds, sometimes it just breaks my heart.”
I side hug her as I stuff my mouth with a handful of chocolate chips.
“Hey,” she says as she grabs the bag from my hand. “You’re not supposed to be eating those.”
“I know, but I had a rough night. Once I had sugar it was like I was an addict looking for my next hit. This is my second bag. I hope you weren’t planning on making cookies anytime soon.”
“Ev! We’re not supposed to be eating shit like this! We’re supposed to be doing this together!”
I motion the bag toward her. “Want some?”
“No, I don’t want any.” She huffs in frustration. Then she pivots and says, “Actually I do. Can I have it?”
I smile knowingly and hand her the bag. She smiles as I hand it to her, then I see something change in her expression and I know she’s about to ruin my short-lived happiness.
She sprints toward the kitchen sink and quickly dumps the entire bag into the drain.
She starts the water and the disposal as I scream, “No!”
“You don’t need these. Neither of us does.”
“I do need those. Each little chip was a piece of sanity for me. You just drowned my sanity!”
“We need to get our asses in shape. I’m going to force myself to go for a quick run. You should come with me!”
I sigh. “I have class.”
“What the hell happened? You were doing so well.”
I spend the next five minutes giving her the short rundown of my night.
She gasps when she hears Krista’s name. Of course she remembers.
I knew she would. Best friends remember the good stuff and the bad stuff.
There wasn’t much about my sex life that Gwen didn’t know.
Sex… I sigh again. I don’t even remember the last time I came from something not self-induced.
My eyes flicker to the microwave clock. “Oh shoot, I gotta go to class,” I mumble.
As I turn and grab my books, she says, “Promise me no more cheating!”
“What?” I question as I speed toward the door.
“Ev!”
“Sorry, can’t hear you!”
Once I’m in the car I make a beeline for McDonalds and say goodbye to my progress.
TRAFFIC IS A nightmare. After clinicals, I have to take several detours to make it to the school on time to get the kids. As I’m driving down a side road through the business district, my mind wanders to everything that Gwen said this morning. I vow to jump back on the wagon as soon I get home.
After Kale and I finish math homework and a social studies worksheet, I drop him off at karate and then take Marlow to soccer.
While I’m watching her run the field, my mind wanders to Nick, my high school boyfriend.
I remember watching him practice once when I went to visit.
He was the forward on his college team. I sigh and distract myself by watching people running up and down a large sledding hill.
I’d never paid any attention to it before, but this time I find it fascinating.
It looks really hard. I wonder if I could do it.
A few seconds later, I see a man three times my size going up and down.
He amazes me. He’s pushing himself. You can see it on his face.
Just when I think he’s ready to quit, he keeps going.
It’s always hard for me to put myself out there in front of people.
It’s why I never want to run outside with Gwen and why I hide in her basement on the treadmill.
But it’s time for a change. It’s a year for change.
I have to admit to myself that even though I’ve had a lot of moments of serious depression since Mike and I split, I still feel better for not fighting with him every night or having to hear him put me down.
I’ve started to make progress on myself mentally.
Know I needed to get my act together physically. I need to feel better about myself.
I slowly wander to the hill, very much aware of all the eyes that might be watching or judging me. I feel extremely insecure. I stand at the bottom and gaze at my sneakers. I’m afraid to raise my eyes to see people snickering behind my back. Then I hear him.
“First step is the hardest. Well, actually, each step sucks. I can’t lie. But it feels good to move. You can do it! Look at me!”
The same man who motivated me to walk over to the hill is now encouraging me to try to climb it.
I smile at him, and he waves as he huffs each step back up the hill.
I decide it’s time I took a step for me.
I start to sing Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb” in my head with each step I take.
I laugh at myself and the irony of the song.
With each step I feel a little better and a little more confident.
The man I just met high-fives me whenever we pass each other going up or down.
He makes me laugh each time I pass him, and I start to try to keep up with his pace.
I force myself to go up and down ten times.
My legs are on fire, but it feels good. I just walked my way back into my plan, but this time I feel better about my reasons for doing it.
It’s one thing to say I’m doing it for me, but it’s another thing to believe the words.
I make a commitment to fall back in love with myself.
I realize that I could never believe in someone’s love for me if I can’t see my own worth in being loved.
If I am ever going to move on or move forward, I need to be happy inside.
Today is one step up the long hill to a better me.
Walking forward, not looking back. No more looking back.