16. Lucky
Lucky
Laugh when it hurts.
Tears will only dehydrate you.
I turn to see Eden’s bewildered expression just as the books start slipping from her arms. I catch them, helping to steady her, then snicker, trying to put Jasper’s last comment to me from my mind.
“ Weight of the world, huh?” I tease.
Her brow wrinkles. Then she looks at the atlases atop the towering pile and rolls her eyes. We set them on a table, and she worries her lip over the disorder. She’s every inch the librarian today, and damn if it doesn’t leave me hard as a rock.
“ What —?” she begins and then stops, flustered.
“ Ah .” I rub a hand over the back of my head, wondering how much she picked up on, how much to explain.
My T -shirt lifts with the motion, and I pretend not to notice when her eyes light on my bared skin.
Smugness makes me want to grin, settling some of my stomach-aching jealousy, though I wish to hell I didn’t have to be the one to try and explain Jasper to her.
It seems kind of like adding insult to injury at this point.
After I finally escaped from the group meeting earlier, I’d needed to shower and change before I started feeling anything like myself again. “ Jasper is kinda... Well . I mean, he’s a—”
“ A sadist,” Eden whispers. Her blue-gray eyes are adorably wide behind her glasses.
I shrug and quirk a smile. “ Yeah , I guess. And a dominant. You remember we were in a kink club when it all got real? Well , that’s kinda why you got stuck with the more colorful personalities in the troop.”
She blinks at me, then leans against the table, seeming to take that in. “ So he wants to hurt me?”
Her voice sounds small, and I just barely stop myself from wrapping her in a hug. Damn it. Jasper should be explaining this. I try to think of a way to put it that won’t freak her the hell out.
“ Only if you want him to. It’s only fun for him if you’re into it too. I guess— I mean, part of the appeal for him is pushing you to your limits, and making you want to be pushed there. Pain can heighten the pleasure of sex for some people.”
Eden turns the shade of sun-curdled cauliflower.
Oo -kay. Screwed that one up.
“ Not for me,” she insists. One delicate hand flutters to her throat where her pulse pounds. “ I wouldn’t like that.”
I must have hesitated a moment too long because her chin lifts in defiance. “ I wouldn’t!”
I give her my best grin, lifting my palms in surrender. Then , once her chin starts to lower to a normal level, I add quickly, “ But just hear me out.”
She huffs in exasperation, but a hint of amusement eases into her features.
Good . I want her to relax around me. Lord -our-deeply-ashamed-father knows she won’t get much chance around the rest of these idiots.
“ You said you had fun with Jaykob , right?”
Her cheeks pinken.
“ Um ... fun might not be exactly the right word,” she says, “but yes, I — I did enjoy myself.”
“ There’s nothing wrong with enjoying pain, beautiful.
Or putting yourself in someone else’s control, so long as you trust them not to abuse it,” I tell her gently, earnestly.
“ You were covered in bruises, and knowing Jayk , he probably threw you around a bit, huh? I’m guessing he was a little rough? ”
I don’t need her tentative nod to know I’m right; I saw her this morning, and I saw the way the big bastard fucked often enough back in the day.
Of the five of us, only Jasper was ever worried about privacy.
I’ve never been able to decide if it was a blessing or a curse that I never saw Jasper dominating anyone else.
The way Eden’s eyes cloud with lust does nothing to help my hard-on.
I clear my throat and continue, “ But you still had a good time. For some people, that kind of treatment during sex just makes them feel more desired. Like they can’t get enough of you. The pain and the pleasure kind of blend together, right?”
Her embarrassment seems to have faded slightly and her look of thoughtful concentration has me biting back a smile.
Fuck she’s cute. Her lower lip is caught between her teeth and small frown lines appear between her brows.
Apparently considering the theory, rather than how it applies to her, is more acceptable.
“ So you know that having both pain and pleasure isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Now , Jasper , he just kind of takes that to the next level.
He likes delivering pain in a controlled way, doling it out like a treat or a punishment until your body wants the pain.
It brings your pleasure to a different level.
It’s full-on. Exhausting , both physically and mentally.
But it can feel fucki— I mean, it can feel good. Really good.”
Rapturous . Blissful . Agonizing .
I don’t have the words to describe this to her properly.
How can I explain the need to venerate his cruelty?
The craving for the sweet-sharp lashes of his cane?
For the unbearably soft kindnesses between?
How good it feels to free-fall into darkness with someone, knowing they’ll save you and punish you for the favor all at once?
Do I really want to explain this to her? Maybe it would be better for all of us if she ran far, far away from Jasper .
Or maybe it would just be better for me.
She glances up at me at the last, and I ready for her to scold me on my language, but there’s something too assessing in her gaze, and I realize that isn’t what caught her attention.
I shift. Damn it. I get enough of those looks around here. I want her smiling again. I’m not good with the serious stuff. After today, I’ve had enough serious to last a lifetime. I feel raw, like an exposed nerve, but being with her is a sweet kind of balm.
“ You sound like you speak from experience,” she says tentatively, the unasked question clear in her voice.
“ Oh . Yeah , well. Yeah . I ... do.”
Smooth , motherfucker. Smooth as asphalt. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m not sixteen anymore. I know how to talk about sex.
“ With Jasper , even,” I add thoughtlessly.
Her mouth drops open and her eyes widen. Not in disgust, I note, even as I continue to swear at myself for being a fucking idiot. More like curiosity.
“ So you’re... bisexual?”
Aw hell. It’s way too early to be having this conversation.
“ Well , yeah. But not like that. Not with Jasper , anyway. I mean, he doesn’t— We don’t—” I stop, then start laughing at myself.
This is ridiculous. How am I even having this conversation after today?
I have to laugh or this is going to turn into some kind of rom-com where she ends up stroking my hair, and I tearfully confess my soul to her.
I scrub a hand over my face and give her a rueful look.
“ I think your tongue-tied disease is catching, woman.”
I take a breath and start again. It’s not the right explanation, but it’s all I can work up right now. “ Yes , I enjoy pain and being dominated. I also enjoy dominating, sometimes. I switch, depending on my mood and who I’m with.”
Although , now I think of it, the thought of dominating anyone—even with gorgeous and clearly submissive Eden laid out on a platter—somehow doesn’t seem so appealing as it once did.
Not that the attraction isn’t there, because it is.
I haven’t been this attracted to anyone since, well, since Jasper .
But I would much rather both of us be under him, at his mercy, than have her at mine.
But that might be a bit much to cover on a first date.
“ I don’t enjoy giving pain. Yes , I’m bi. No , I haven’t had sex with any of the guys. As far as I know, the others are at least mostly straight.”
I think of the way Jasper pinned me today. The way he looked at my lips.
What he asked of me.
To be fair, he’s never exactly said that he was straight.
.. I just assumed because he was married to Soomin , and because he’s never tried to take pleasure with me, even while he had me spread and naked and begging beneath him.
I mean, I know he gets worked up—it’s impossible to miss his arousal during our scenes—but I always put that down to his kink rather than me.
More of a “whipping subbies until their sobs soothe my cranky temper” boner than a “ Lucky is my one true love and I’d give anything to brand his soul with mine” hard-on.
Heart -on?
I wish I gave him a heart-on.
I shrug it off for now. Plenty of time to torture myself some more over that later.
“ Yes , I have bottomed for Jasper before when he needed a release. We don’t have sex”— I push one of the books open, and the hard cover hits the table with more force than I intended.
I think of how Jasper was looking at her when I walked in, and how she stared up at him.
His perfect, submissive thing. The two of them heart-twistingly beautiful together—“and we... we aren’t interested in each other that way. ”
The lie tastes like ash on my tongue.
I shrug like it means nothing. “ But he’s a sadist, and he occasionally needs to work out his shit on someone who likes to take it. Which I do. So , you know.” I want to knock my face into a wall at how I sound, and yet I can’t stop my dumb mouth from adding weakly, “ It makes sense.”
My emotions were just splattered around the room like a toddler throwing mashed peas, but sure, it makes sense. No one usually lets me talk for this long. Apparently it’s because the longer I talk, the more I let the stupid out.
She’s staring at me, but I can’t for the life of me tell what she’s thinking. All in, balls out, though, I guess.
“ Anyway , my point is that Jasper knows what he’s doing. He won’t push you beyond what you can take, and the two of you will set out your boundaries before he even touches you.”
The thought makes me sick. And hard.
If only I had a psychologist to help work this shit out...
Idiot .
Her eyes narrow. “ Then what was that before about teaching me a lesson? It sounded to me as though he was willing to punish me if I don’t do as he says. What exactly would have happened if I had turned down his chess game?”
Damn , I like it when she gets all snippy—though I know enough about women not to say so.
“ If I had to guess, he wanted to turn you over his knee and spank your ass until you agreed to do what he wanted.” I snort.
“ Though I think he’s regretting that hard-ass approach right about now.
Jasper won’t touch you, not without your permission.
He’ll set out the rules before he punishes you for breaking them. ”
I watch her face as I talk about Jasper spanking her. Her color is high and, despite the pursed displeasure of her full lips, the hollow in one cheek makes me think she must be biting it.
So , not quite as against the idea as she’s saying.
“ As for the obedience thing—and I really hate to say it since you’re making that face at me—but it’s kind of a given with these guys.
Dom , Beau , and Jasper are all gonna be pulling that card, so you probably should prepare for that.
I mean, Jayk too, I guess, but he’s got more of that caveman clobber-you-over-the-head style. ”
“ Don’t speak about him like that,” she says absently.
My brows fly up, though she isn’t looking.
Right . Okay . Go Jayk , I guess.
Then she sighs, looking exhausted. “ I suppose it doesn’t matter, huh? I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I shove my tongue into my cheek to stop myself from making a crack about her word choice, then grab her hand and tug. When she finally looks up at me, a new wariness in her eyes, I wink at her.
“ Come on, we have some strength training to do.”
Ignoring her spluttering, I drag her out and down to the music room where I set everything up and shut the door behind us.
“ Lucky , I don’t want to work out. Why are you making me work out? What are you— Oh .”
A Twister mat in a six by four grid of red, blue, green, and yellow circles is laid out on the floor, and a pitcher of my famous orange monkey master mix is perched on the table. Eden is staring at the mat in horrified bemusement. I snicker, and she blushes.
The more we talk, the more I think maybe we can try this without kink. Maybe we can be together, just the two of us, without thoughts of Jasper and pain and tears. Maybe she and I can be enough for each other, and she’ll drown out the way I ache for him.
Maybe we both just need a bit of fun.
“ Strength training. Now , we’re playing this one with a twist ,” I say, and even though she rolls her eyes, she’s starting to smile. Some of the snaking jealousy in my chest softens when she does.
I’m beginning to think she has a thing for puns.
Or maybe it’s just for me.
“ Sit down, gorgeous, and pour yourself a drink. It’s time for Eden to sin.”