2. Luke
2
Luke
C hicago is massive. There are so many people and skyscrapers. I can’t imagine why Evan would ever want to move here for school, much less live here permanently. I’m standing on the sidewalk of his apartment building with my bag in my hand, and everyone who walks by takes a good long look. In the elevator, I see a reflection of myself with three other people, and I understand why I am getting looks. My hat and boots make me look like a cowboy who fell off the wrong train. I am so out of my element. I remove my hat and hold it to my chest. One person gets off the elevator, but three more join us, making the space feel cramped.
It is a relief to finally leave the mirrored box, but the long hallway of doors is no more comforting. It feels claustrophobic. Following the apartment number signs, I turn the corner. As I approach his door, I see a man standing there in a red jacket and baseball cap. The door opens, and the delivery guy takes the money that’s handed to him. I step up next to him, and he smiles and nods before walking away. When I turn to Evan , he smiles.
“ You made it! And your timing is perfect!” He lets me in, holding two pizza boxes in his hand.
“ In time for lunch, I see.”
“ This morning, I thought I would never be able to eat again.” He laughs, hiding away all the angst I heard on the phone this morning.
Does he expect that I should follow his lead, and pretend that nothing happened to him last night? What about the fact that this is the first time we’ve seen each other in years? Are we going to ignore the giant elephant in the room, and pretend everything is better?
He places the boxes on the table in front of the sofa and turns back to me. He is barefoot, shirtless, and wearing black track pants. I set my hat on one of the bar stools and drop my bag on the floor. When I turn, Evan throws his arms around me. I feel his emotions surface. I don’t want him to put on a false facade for me. That is not why I came, so I embrace him tightly. He doesn’t move away, and we continue to hold on to one another. His body melts against mine, warm and solid. More solid than I remember. The fact that the way he feels in my arms has changed, makes my heart hurt.
Nuzzling my face into his hair, I commit the feel of him to memory, replacing the previous ones. I want to let all my walls down and give in to everything I have ever felt for him. I’m lonely, and I have missed him so incredibly much. I’m tired of skirting the edges of what we once had.
“ I’m here now,” I whisper as I slide my fingers around the nape of his neck. I let myself believe we both feel that we can’t get close enough, as if the way we parted never happened. But it did, and it hurt. It hasn’t stopped hurting for four years.
“ I missed you,” he says.
I’ve missed him too, but the words are stuck in my throat, choked by the hurt I harbor deep inside. I squeeze him to me, and he nuzzles his face under my hair. I rock him gently.
It is fucking frightening how I need this as much as he does. Why were we so stupid and selfish? Maybe I’m fooling myself. After all, I don’t know this Evan , the one who lives in the city in a high-rise and takes strangers home for a quick fuck. He has gained more muscle since the last time I saw him. His hair is a little longer too, but he still looks put together. He fits in this world—successful, professional, and a man’s man. Exactly what he always wanted to be. Maybe he is broader across the shoulders, but he still smells the same, smells like he is mine.
But he isn’t. Not now.
I notice a faint bite mark on his shoulder. When I skim my finger over it, he shrinks away as if it hurts. Anger flares in my gut. The motherfucker bit him. I suddenly feel overwhelmed and dizzy. It’s too much too fast. When I release him, he steps back.
“ How was your flight?” he asks as if he felt none of what just overpowered me.
“ Cramped .”
Evan laughs. “ Yeah , sorry about that.”
“ It’s all good. Was worth it to see you.”
When he looks at me, his expression falters a bit. He isn’t as good as he is making himself out to be.
His smile returns, and he picks up my bag. “ I have an extra bedroom, but only one bed so you can just keep your stuff in my room.”
I watch him walk down the hallway to the bedroom, and then I walk to the large windows overlooking the city. It almost makes me feel a little dizzy to be this high.
“ Great view, huh? One of the reasons I rented this place. You should see it at night, or on the Fourth of July when there are fireworks all over the city.”
Damn overwhelming is what it is. “ Very different from the view of the Tetons ,” I remark.
“ You hungry?” he asks.
I turn, and Evan is walking back into the room with two beers in his hands. He sits on the edge of the chair and opens one of the pizza boxes. Pulling out a slice, he takes a bite.
“ Yeah . Smells good. I didn’t have time to eat before I left.” I sit down on the sofa and take one of the slices of the thickest pizza I have ever seen.
“ Chicago style! Best pizza you’ll ever have.” His smile is big, beautiful. Those fucking dimples of his fill me with want and need.
“ If you say so,” I remark, before taking a bite of my own piece.
He eats two more pieces and is halfway through his beer before he speaks again. It doesn’t feel awkward, though. Before I know it we’re working on the second pizza.
“ Another beer?” he asks.
“ Please , although I shouldn’t be drinking so early in the day.”
He disappears into the kitchen to grab the beers. “ Ah fuck that! No rules today.” He hands me the beer, and I twist open the cap. “ You’re welcome to get more comfortable. Starting to make me feel overdressed.”
I laugh and set my beer down. Pulling at my boots, I toss them onto the floor. “ There , is that better?”
“ A little.”
“ Sorry . I’m so used to having to work on the ranch until dinner. This city life is new to me.”
Evan kicks my foot. “ City life? Seriously .”
I look around the room. “ Well , this is certainly a step above my loft in the barn.”
At moments, it’s as if nothing has changed. At other times, he stares off into space, lost in his thoughts. Like now. He hasn’t finished his last slice of pizza, and instead, is staring into something that lies between him and the cityscape.
“ Come ,” I tell him. When he looks up, I place my hand on the sofa next to me.
He eases from the chair to the sofa, but instead of sitting, he lies down placing his head on my thigh. His hand squeezes my knee as I carefully slide my fingers through his hair.
“ I need you,” he softly whispers.
My fingers drift through his hair and down his side. He shivers.
“ I know, baby.”
He slides up my body and lays his head on my chest, right over my heart. I half expect him to crawl in my lap, but he settles and relaxes against me. I wrap my arms around him and kiss his hair, breathing in the clean scent of him.
Evan runs his hand up and down my chest causing my body to react as it always has when we’re close.
“ Are you comfortable? Does this hurt?” I ask, worried about him after what he shared this morning.
He shakes his head and squeezes my body in his embrace. His fight is gone, along with the facade that everything is fine. As much as it hurts me to see him like this, it’s long overdue. He has to face reality, face me, face our past, our feelings, and now the truth about himself that he has pushed so far down, I don’t fully recognize him.
“ Rest now,” I tell him because he is being so submissive, needing me to take control—feeding the starved desire in me.
I jerk awake. Evan squeezes my torso as if to hold me in place. I’m just relieved being here wasn’t a dream. I yawn and rub my eyes. “ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“ It’s okay. You missed sleeping to come all the way to Chicago for me.” His voice is stoic, making me regret passing out.
While he may need rest, I think what happened prevents him from being able to relax. I rustle his hair and gather him closer.
“ How is Rachel ?” he barely asks.
His question shocks me, and I wonder what was running through his mind while I slept.
“ Good . Really good. Works a lot. Olivia keeps her busy.” I stroke the back of his neck with two fingers, attempting to soothe him. “ I still have dinner with them every evening. Other than that…” I shrug, not feeling the need to explain myself. Truthfully , if I hadn’t moved out into a loft in the barn, my relationship with Rachel would be totally different, at least that’s what I tell myself.
Rachel is essentially Evan’s first love. He still doesn’t know that she and I were involved first. Neither Rachel , nor I , ever told him. I didn’t want him to hurt knowing I had been with her first, regardless of the fact that the three of us ended up together. We were together for a while, but I ended things when Rachel admitted she was pregnant with my dad’s child. He had died two months prior to that. Now I see how much our breakup left Evan adrift. While we all broke it off, eventually, she and Evan resumed their relationship without me. They intended for me not to know. Evan still thinks I am none the wiser, but I knew the entire time, living vicariously through them both.
In the end, Evan left us for Chicago without so much as a goodbye. At times I understand. Rachel had just turned down his marriage proposal, and then when he came to me… I made things worse by asking for more than he was willing to give. We all hurt each other, but Evan is the one who ran away. Up until he called me early this morning, we hadn’t heard a word from him since he left.
“ You should come visit. Olivia has grown so much,” I say with hope in my heart, but Evan tenses.
He sits up and stretches. “ Maybe sometime.”
I can see it in his face; he has never gotten over her, but then, neither have I . She seems to have a hold over us both.
“ I miss you too, ya know? You don’t have to see Rachel if you don’t want to,” I offer, hoping he will consider it.
“ It’s not that I don’t want to see her…” he sighs.
He is afraid, and, having me here, isn’t making what happened between them any easier. She is the entangled knot in our relationship.
“ Nah , I know. It’s okay man,” I tell him.
“ There are things you don’t know.”
I furrow my brow. “ Such as?”
He sits forward, leaning his elbows on his knees, and buries his face in his hands.
“ That last night, before I came to you, she and I had a disagreement.”
I nod, not sure how much I should admit to knowing about what happened between them. “ I know. She told me.”
He looks over his shoulder. “ What did she tell you?”
“ That you were talking about moving here, and it was too much for her to take.” It is only partially a lie.
“ Yeah ,” is all he gives me at first. “ She didn’t think we could have a relationship if I moved away.”
I shrug. “ We weren’t having a relationship anyway.”
He looks at his hands. “ But I wanted to. I wanted us to try, even if it was long-distance. She said she couldn’t.”
“ So that is why you came to me? Were you going to try to convince me of the same thing?”
He hangs his head, hiding his expression from me. I would give anything to clear the air, to have all these questions answered. Does he not understand how painful it was for Rachel and me to see him leave, even if we weren’t involved in a relationship? Are the events of that night the reason he hasn’t kept in touch? Why is his life a series of one-night stands? Doesn’t he miss us?
“ I miss it you know— Wyoming , the open spaces, nature,” he finally says.
He is going to avoid all the issues of our relationship. I can’t help that it pisses me off.
“ Not enough to come back and visit often, or to come back for good though,” I gripe.
Evan’s face turns serious. “ I … Luke , you know why I had to leave.”
“ I know you feel you had to get out from under your family’s control but to never even reach out to us?”
“ If I had kept in touch, everyone would have found out. It’s a miracle they never did.” He shakes his head. “ My family…”
“ I know. I know they would freak out. Their expectations for you are so damn unreasonable, but Rachel and I would have, and always did, keep our relationship private.”
“ Doesn’t matter. At least this way I can see my sister, and I still have a family who loves me.”
“ Loves the you they believe you are.” I blow out a breath, more frustrated than I ever have been at this situation with his family. He has always used them as an excuse, but over the last few years, I have suspected it is just that, an excuse.
Evan tenses. He knows it’s true. In some ways, I don’t think he has even accepted who he truly is. He pretends, as much to himself as he does to his family, and to everyone.
A discussion about his family dynamics is useless, and not what I want to talk about. I take a drink and hold the bottle against my thigh. “ So how are you feeling?”
He shrugs. “ I’m okay—better.”
“ Did you remember anything else?” I hedge.
Evan shakes his head. “ Not sure I want to.” He grabs his hair and pulls. “ Fuck Luke ! What the hell have I done?”
I’m surprised it took this long for the guilt to bring him to his knees.
“ Nothing’s changed, Evan .”
“ The fuck it hasn’t!” he insists.
“ So you’ve been with a guy. You’re still you. You’re still Evan . You’re still attracted to women, but you were kidding yourself if you thought this side of you could stay suppressed.”
“ But …”
“ Don’t act like you don’t know what we both know is true. Maybe we never went that far, but you’ve been playing with fire for a long time.”
He looks at me annoyed, as if he wishes I hadn’t brought it up. “ We were kids when that happened.”
“ Kids ? Evan , the last time it happened was just a few years ago.”
“ Yeah , but we didn’t fuck each other! We just messed around and it’s…it’s…”
“ It’s what?” I ask as my anger starts to flare.
“ It’s you .”
“ It’s me ?” I throw up my hands. “ Fuck , is that a compliment, or an accusation? What difference does it make? Am I your hall pass? Whatever we do doesn’t count?”
“ No ! I mean…”
What exactly does he mean because his back and forth in our relationship has always been confusing?
“ You’re Luke .”
“ Well now that we have that established,” I snap.
“ Would you stop being an ass?” he barks.
“ I’m being an ass?” I stand up. “ Look Evan , I have no problems with what I have done with you, or anyone else. You’re closer to me than a brother. I don’t regret a minute. Were we stupid kids messing around at first? Yeah , curious, reckless teenage boys, but don’t tell me that you never felt anything.”
Evan stands and comes closer. He takes my clenched fist in his hand. “ No . That’s not what I meant at all. I’ve never shared with anyone what you and I have, and I never intended to…” He turns and scrubs his hands over his face. “ How did my life get so messed up? I just wanted to fuck a girl I met at a bar. I wasn’t supposed to get fucked in the ass by a guy.”
I place my hand on his shoulder. “ I know, but I hate when you act like these desires and needs are wrong, or dirty.”
Evan turns to me. “ Isn’t it though? What that guy did to me was wrong.”
He looks defeated and hurt, and I regret pushing. I know better than to push. Pushing is what made him leave me without so much as a word for years.
“ Yeah , what he did was very wrong, and what we did is in the past. But what he did, doesn’t make you dirty or less than a man. You know that, right?”
He clenches his eyes shut. When he opens them, he casts his gaze to the floor. “ I’m not so sure.”
I pull him against my chest, and he relaxes against me. His hands slowly slide around my waist.
He fucking breaks my heart. Always so scared of himself, that he denies what he needs most from people, and it’s this—connection. He searches for it in all the wrong places. I knew years ago this is the man he would become, away from home, away from us, but I suppose, I hoped he would prove me wrong. Can’t fault him for trying to fill the needs that are so deep-rooted in all of us.
“ Your family has you so fucked up. You’re a good man, Evan . You don’t have to fit some ideal that they want for you. I just want you to stop being so hard on yourself, be honest with yourself for a change. You didn’t fuck up. He did ! He took advantage of you, but it’s okay. It’s going to be alright.” I pull away and hold his face in my hand. “ He hasn’t changed you. Don’t give him that power.”
Evan lays his head back onto my chest. “ Will you hold me a little longer?”
It is a wonder that I have a heart intact enough to pump blood through my veins.
“ Of course.”
This is something with which Evan struggles. This isn’t being a man, at least that was what he was taught to believe. I wasn’t taught that. When my mom died, I needed someone to hold me, and Evan was there for me. He slowly realized this is being human, and humans need each other. Once he came to terms with that, we drew closer. For my part, I grew to need him more, probably more than I should have.
He is crying. He doesn’t make a sound, but I know it. I won’t mention it or bring attention to it. He’ll feel better if I pretend it doesn’t happen, much like other things we’ve shared.
“ You smell like home.” His words are muffled against my shirt.
“ I’m sorry!” I groan. “ Do I smell like a fucking barn? I did shower before I left, and my clothes are clean.”
He laughs. “ No , quite the opposite. Just —like home. I’m so glad you’re here.” His voice cracks.
“ You should come home, Evan . I’m so fucking alone without you around. I’m never going to be more than the guy who shacked up with his stepmother.”
“ I came here so I could get away from all those preconceived notions,” he says, telling me what I already know.
“ So let them go. Don’t bring them with you.” He isn’t ever going to come back home. In some ways, I understand and don’t blame him, but the part of me that is in love with him is hurt by that fact.
Evan’s hands slide down my hips and then away as he moves back. “ I thought I had. How do you not let it bother you?”
I shrug. “ Because I’ll never change what they think, so why should I care?”
He drops down onto the sofa, scratches his chest, and stares out the windows. “ While I have to maintain this perception, they seem to have of me.” His head drops back. “ If they knew about last night.”
I sit down next to him. “ But they don’t, and they won’t so stop punishing yourself.”
He is deep in thought, staring at the ceiling.
I go to the bathroom to give him a few minutes, and some space. When I come back in the room, he has turned on ESPN and is lying against the arm of the sofa with his feet on the cushion. I sit on the opposite end and stretch out my stiff legs.
“ You lost your shirt and jeans?” he muses.
I shrug, “ You said I could get comfortable.”
“ Yeah . I want you to feel at home.”
“ Oh , you say that now, but when I start cooking, you’ll want me out.”
“ You know what? I don’t care how much you mess up my kitchen. I haven’t had a home-cooked meal in ages, so knock yourself out. Go crazy in there. The kitchen is yours.”
“ So what? You live off pizza and beer?” I ask.
“ Pretty much, and Chinese food.”
I roll my eyes and shake my head. “ That’s a shame. I will never understand why your mom didn’t at least show you how to feed yourself.”
“ Guess she thought I’d have a wife by now.”
“ She know you fuck a different girl every night?”
He laughs so hard his head falls back. “ She would die! Dad knows though, some of it at least.”
“ Of course, he does. He’s just living vicariously.”
“ Hey ! Don’t talk about my parents that way!” he responds with mock indignation.
I hold up my hands. “ I didn’t say anything!”
“ RIGHT !”
Just like that, Evan is okay. He needs someone to reassure him that he’s still a good person, still worthy of love, and then he puts whatever happened in a box and buries it. It makes it easier to hide behind the facade.
RACHEL
I am just getting dressed after taking a shower when I hear a knock on the kitchen door.
“ Just a minute!” I yell through the house.
Work was rough today, and with Luke gone, everything feels off-kilter. I’m certainly not expecting anyone, and I never like it when someone shows up without Luke here. I twist my damp hair over my shoulder as I walk to the kitchen. Standing on the edge of the porch and facing the barn, is a man I don’t recognize, but then it is hard to tell by looking at his back, which is broad. The cowboy hat, jeans, and boots don’t give any clues either since that is the wardrobe of ninety-nine percent of the men in this state.
He turns at the creak of the screen door as I open it. He tips his hat before removing it from his head, and smiles a flashy, bright, full-tooth smile, showing his white teeth. He is tall, although not nearly as tall as Luke , but then who is? His hand stretches out, and I take it.
“ Bridges Barker , ma’am.” Again , he tilts his head and squeezes my hand softly. “ I thought I would introduce myself since my son, Caleb , is going to be helping Randy out this week while Mr . Garrett is out of town.”
“ Oh !” He drops my hand as I step out onto the porch. “ Yes , Luke told me Randy’s nephew would be helping out. He has helped out in the summers a few times. Caleb is a good kid.”
“ Thank you, Ms . Garrett .”
“ Rachel . Please , call me Rachel .”
“ I’ll be picking him up each evening. I wanted to introduce myself, so you wouldn't think a stranger is just driving onto your property.”
“ I appreciate that. Without Luke here, I always feel a little vulnerable.”
“ That is understandable,” he says.
“ Mommy ?” Olivia is standing just inside the screen door with her face smushed against the mesh.
“ It’s okay, you can come outside,” I say, holding my hand out. She joins us, but it is with much hesitation. The minute she is out the door, she is burying her face against my thigh, and peeking at Mr . Barker .
“ And who is this pretty little girl?” he asks.
“ Olivia , can you say hello to Mr . Barker ?” Olivia shakes her head and hides her face.
“ It’s alright,” he says softly.
I smile and run my hand over her soft curls. “ She is shy around new people.”
“ It’s good that she is wary around strangers. Means she is very smart.”
“ That she is.”
“ I’ll let you know each evening when I arrive before I go get Caleb .”
“ You don’t have to do that.”
“ I don’t, but it is important to me that you are aware whenever either Caleb or I are here. It will also give me the opportunity to check in on you and see if you need anything. I am sure Luke does more around here than tend to the ranch.”
“ He does, but unless you want to do laundry and cook dinner, I think we will be fine.”
Bridges ’ eyebrows shoot up. “ He cooks dinner?”
“ Every night.”
“ Hmm .” He rubs his bearded chin thinking. Olivia peeks around from behind me with her thumb in her mouth. “ I can provide dinner, if you’re willing to let me take you and Olivia out. Maybe later in the week you can come over to the house, and I’ll cook.”
“ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply…”
“ Nothing to be sorry about. You are a full-time nurse and mom, the least I can do is make sure you’re both fed.”
I hold up my hand. “ No , this is too much. I honestly appreciate the gesture, but I am able to cook.”
Bridges studies me for a moment, then glances at Olivia who has moved to my side.
“ Dad !” Caleb is standing by his father’s truck.
“ Very well. I will leave the offer open in case you change your mind. Doesn’t have to be about the food, we can just keep each other company for a couple of hours.”
“ Thank you.” But there is no way I am going out with this man. Sure , he is handsome and a gentleman, but Luke would not be happy with me. Bridges places his hat on his head and steps off the porch.
What am I thinking? Sure , Luke probably wouldn’t like it, but we aren’t together. Perhaps it is time for me to step out of this bubble, and get the hell out of this house for more than work and errands.
“ I’m off work on Sunday ,” I call out as he crosses the yard. He turns on his heel and flashes his white teeth.
“ Sunday ? I’ll see you on Sunday then. Six work?”
“ Can we make it five so I can get Olivia to bed on time?”
Olivia tugs at my hand. “ I don’t want to go to bed.”
“ Not right now, honey, later.”
Bridges nods. “ Five o’clock Sunday . See you both then.”
He and Caleb climb into the truck. Olivia and I watch them back up and start down the driveway. Bridges waves, and Little Miss O jumps forward and begins enthusiastically waving back. As soon as they disappear around the house, I wonder what in the hell I have just gotten myself into.