3. Evan
3
Evan
T he smell of bacon and eggs wakes me the next morning. I roll onto my back. My body is stiff and still a little sore. I shake the thoughts away before they can even start.
I get out of bed, take a piss, and pull on a clean pair of running pants, knowing a good run is exactly what I need. When I open the door, the scent of coffee wakes my nerves. Luke is in the kitchen, flipping bacon in a pan, wearing nothing except his jeans. It has me stopping in my tracks and my breath hitching.
The smooth skin on his back is tan, and his shoulder muscles flex revealing how muscular he is, the effects of working on a ranch. He probably hasn’t been in a gym since we played football in high school, but he is far from the lanky guy I once knew. My dick perks up, leaving me to wonder when Luke became so…sexy. The physical changes in him since I last saw him have been unexpected, making this longing in me, that I thought I had pushed down, start to rise. It’s warm and pleasurable and fucks with my brain. Distance was supposed to fix this, fix me.
He turns and gives me a smile. “ You said the kitchen was mine.” His hair is a mess, and it teases his skin as it brushes across his bronze shoulders. It’s really blonde right now, as it always is in the summer.
“ I did. Seems I made a wise decision.”
He chuckles and points a spatula at the coffee pot. “ You still like it strong?”
“ You know me too well,” I tell him as I cross behind him and take out two mugs. “ You still want cream?”
“ Yep .”
“ Pussy ,” I mumble.
His foot comes up and kicks me in the ass, making me almost spill the coffee that I’m pouring.
“ Better watch it. You’re the one who has to clean up this mess,” I threaten.
“ I’ll take care of it.” He switches off the stove, takes the bacon slices out, placing them next to the eggs on each plate. “ Grab some forks will ya?”
He sets the plates on the bar as I walk around and slip onto a barstool. He grabs the milk from the fridge before adding about a quarter cup of it to his coffee. I didn’t realize I was making a face until he turned around. “ What ?”
I roll my eyes. “ Ruining a perfectly good cup of coffee.”
“ Whatever ! That straight stuff will kill you.” He gestures to my cup, but I look down his chest. He always had better abs than me, but now I think he’s graduated to an eight-pack. Still , just that light trail of blonde hair runs down the center of his chest disappearing into his jeans. My fingers twitch, anxious, needy.
My body can’t seem to keep from reacting to him. It’s like feeling hunger; It’s natural. “ You’re going to have to get me some cream if you expect me to stay.”
I look down and fork my eggs. “ Real men drink it black,” I laugh.
He nudges my back with his elbow as he walks by. “ Real men don’t live in the city.”
“ Fair enough,” I concede.
We dig into our food, and I swear it’s the best breakfast I’ve had since I was home.
“ Sleep okay?” I ask.
“ Not bad. At least your sofa is long.”
“ You fit on it?”
“ Well not completely.”
“ I don’t mind if you stay with me,” I offer.
Luke arches an eyebrow as he chews. “ You sure about that?”
Not really, but I feel bad about him trying to stretch out on my sofa. He is 6’ '6" for crying out loud. “ Yeah . We’ve been sleeping in the same bed off and on since we were 13. Why would it be different now?”
He props his elbows on the bar. “ Thought after what happened. I don’t know… I don’t want to make you…uncomfortable.”
I look back at my sofa and instantly feel guilty. The blankets and pillow I gave him are in a messy pile. “ You won’t. I really shouldn’t have made you stay out here last night. I forget how tall you are when it comes to stuff like that.”
“ Either way, man. I’ll be okay.”
“ If you want, I can get a girl to sleep between us.”
Holding his cup of coffee, he looks at me and grins. “ You’re serious?”
Maybe . The fact that he’s questioning me has me thinking I might be. “ Might be fun. It’s not like we haven’t shared before. When’s the last time you got laid anyway?”
He takes a drink of his coffee. “ No way! We’re not discussing my sex life.”
“ Yes , we are! When ?”
Luke shakes his head, smiling. “ Not important.”
“ When ?”
He hangs his head, knowing I won’t give up until he tells me. “ Honestly , it’s been a few years.”
“ Why ?”
“ I’m not like you, man. I’ve never had a one-night stand. It means more to me than that. It isn’t who I am.” He shrugs dismissing me. Was it with Rachel ? Damn , his feelings haven’t changed at all. I mentally shove that fact away because it doesn’t matter how either of us feels, that ship sailed.
“ You bring anything other than a button-up flannel shirt?”
He looks at me like I’m crazy. “ Yeah ! Why ?”
“ I know a girl. Been out with her several times. She’d love you.”
Luke leans back and runs his hand through his blonde curls. “ You going to set me up with a girl to fuck?”
“ If you want her all to yourself.”
He looks at me for a moment before going back to his breakfast. When his plate is clean, and his cup is empty, he takes them into the kitchen. After he pours himself another cup of coffee, he leans against the counter with his ankles and arms crossed. “ I don’t even know this chick.”
“ But you know me. Trust me.”
“ After what you’ve just been through, you just want to get back in the saddle?”
I glance away. “ Not really, but I don’t want to feel this way.”
“ What way?”
I push my empty plate away. “ Afraid to be touched. Afraid I can’t…”
Luke leans over the bar and takes my hand. “ Don’t be afraid. Give it time. It hasn’t even been two days. Let’s just hang out and be lazy. I’ll make sure you’re fed, and you’ll feel better by the time I leave.”
His hands are rough, calloused palms from the manual labor of a ranch. I know it’s wrong, but I want him to make me feel better. I thought I was over all that, until he showed up yesterday in cowboy boots, holding his hat against his chest and smelling like home. He isn’t the issue. Luke has always made it clear he wanted to do whatever with me. He says he’s bi, though he has never so much as looked at other men.
Not like me. It’s me that’s the problem. As much as I want it—want him, every time we’ve come close, I feel both elated and horrible. What happened the other night only reminds me why I shouldn’t want it. But having a girl with us would make it so much easier. For me, it would be like getting a reset. Just the thought of watching him fuck her makes my dick harden.
I pull my hands away and grab my plate to take it into the kitchen. He stays leaning over the counter as I walk past him to put my dishes in the sink. “ I’m going to go for a run. You want to come with me?”
He stands and arches his eyebrow. “ Seriously ? Me ? I haven’t run since high school.”
“ Sure , why not! Get out and get some fresh air. I usually run near the lake. You can see some of the city.”
Luke hangs his thumbs from his belt loops making his waistband fold down. Fucking tease. “ Tell you what. I’ll stay here and clean up the kitchen. You go run and come back here with some real fucking cream for my coffee. Then maybe we can go out later, hang out at a bar, and drink until we’re stupid.”
I smack his chest. “ Too late.”
He laughs at me and watches me walk out of the kitchen.
LUKE
After Evan leaves for his run, I clean the dishes and finish getting dressed, opting for a shirt and shorts to avoid any more comments about wearing flannel. All of these heavy emotions descend. I think we have mended fences. It is hard to tell when he still won’t talk to me about things. He didn’t mention he had proposed to Rachel , or that they had been involved before he left. I guess it’s why I didn’t share that she and I had been together for a short time after he left.
It would be easier if he had. Pretending not to know is tedious. I have to approach each conversation involving her very carefully.
Rachel and I are honest with each other. There are no secrets except the truth about the emotions we share in those moments that are more than we agreed to feel. Honesty is important to both of us. We’re raising Olivia together, and our relationship became so complicated that it is imperative we protect one another.
Opening the sliding glass door, I step onto the small balcony. The hot wind whips around me causing my hair to fly around my face. I tuck it behind my ears and lean against the glass barrier.
I think I have whiplash. In less than twenty-four hours, I have gone from having anxiety over seeing Evan again, to him offering to bring home a girl for us to share. It’s the loneliness that makes me forget myself. My heart loves Rachel and Evan and only wants to be with them, but my body is neglected and needy. My mind, however, knows that being with either of them is not going to happen anytime in the near future, if ever. I find myself asking why I deprive myself. It isn’t that I don’t see attractive women and imagine things happening, but in the end, not one of them is what I desire.
Now I have to consider being with Evan , sharing someone between us. Who am I kidding? I imagined it the minute he mentioned it because it gives me the opportunity to be close to him, to touch him, to connect with him.
Would Rachel care?
Should I consider her feelings, when she has made it clear that in order to protect Olivia , nothing can happen? It isn’t as if she’s dating, but that doesn’t mean she never will. I would understand her wanting to find a companion. I see how her loneliness affects her. I fucking feel it as if our combined loneliness plagues us both.
My inability to control all of this is maddening. I have been constantly trying to reconfigure my role in their lives. I have never told either of them, but I regret ending things when Rachel became pregnant. I never considered that it would be forever, but then how could I , when all I could see was the present? The present, at that time, felt too difficult to bear. When we fell into each other’s arms after Evan left, I wanted it to last. I thought it would, but she was right; without Evan , it felt incomplete. It has been, and always will be, a complicated mess, no matter how much we need one another.
Since then, I have felt so far apart from her, even more than when I felt hatred for her. She became a mom with a job and the responsibility of caring for a whole other human. I was barely in my twenties, with both of my parents dead, a new sister, and still dealing with the loss of the only relationship I’ve ever had. Not to mention the fact that I was well and truly alone. Losing Rachel somehow made the loss of my parents more profound and raw.
Maybe I should try to find someone to be with who is just for me. As much as it seems impossible that I could find that with anyone else, I’m probably denying myself something I truly need. Still , sharing someone with Evan is hardly the basis for a long-term relationship with a woman. Besides , I don’t live in Chicago .
Live a little, my mom would say. I cast my eyes to the sky where clouds are moving swiftly across the blue backdrop.
“ I don’t know how to live, Mom ! All I know is that I am lonely, and not sure that will ever change.”
I close my eyes and remember the way she would hold out her arms to me, and then wrap me up in a tight hug. I wish she could do that now. I wish she could tell me not to worry, and that she loves me.
A tear creeps down my cheek. I open my eyes and wipe it away. I don’t think I will ever stop missing her.
I’m startled when the door slides open and Evan steps out. “ Have you been out here the entire time I was gone?”
“ It’s nice out here. A little breezy though.”
The back of his hand smacks my side. “ They don’t call it the Windy City for no reason.”
“ It is well named.”
He leans his elbows next to mine, mirroring my position. “ You seemed deep in thought.”
He has no idea.
“ Were you thinking about what I mentioned earlier?”
I turn to him. “ Sharing a girl?”
His mouth tips up in a crooked grin. “ Yeah !”
I take in a deep breath and look over the skyline around us. What is the point in holding on to dreams that are already dead? How much do I need to sacrifice to be happy?
Standing to my full height, I stretch. “ Sure , Evan . Why not? I should live a little.”
His grin turns into a wide smile. He smacks his hand on my shoulder and nods. “ Now you’re talking!”
I open the door and step inside.
“ Tonight , we will live it up, Luke !”
“ If you say so, little brother,” I tell him as I close the door behind me.
I’ve never seen so many people shoved into one place. Somehow , they’re managing to dance and have a good time. We snagged a table near the bar, which is fine by me. We started a tab two hours ago, and I’ve already had more to drink than I should. I’m a bit surprised how much more Evan drinks these days, but then maybe it’s just his current state of mind.
He has been taking in almost every woman that walks by us. I know this is him, honestly him, but it bugs me. He was always like this, but he exudes confidence now. He isn’t afraid to be bold and assertive. I almost feel like a third wheel.
A girl dressed in a red dress walks by, and Evan looks at me and bounces his eyebrows. “ She’s hot.”
“ She’s alright.” Blondes have never been my taste.
“ What’s up Luke ? You act like you’ve never been in a bar before.”
It has been a few years, but he knows better than to say never. I push up the sleeves of my Henley . He convinced me not to wear my cowboy hat, but there was no discussion about my boots. Not that he would argue since he is also wearing his boots, along with dark jeans and a bright blue V -neck T -shirt. I’ve seen more than one woman stop and take him in. Those blue eyes of his probably get him so much more pussy than I even want to know about.
“ What’s on your mind?” he asks as he signals the waitress for two more beers.
I chuckle. “ Honestly ?”
“ Yeah !”
“ How you get more pussy than my left hand gets cock.”
Evan blows out a breath and laughs. “ Right ! I know how you are! You’ve probably been jerking off while we’ve been sitting at this table.”
I smirk at him. “ So which one are you taking home?”
He winks at me. “ The tall one with the shaggy blond curls that almost wouldn’t come out without his cowboy hat.”
“ It’s fine, you know. I can get a hotel room for the night if you want to be alone with someone.”
Evan turns his body square with mine and taps his fingertips on the table. “ No way in hell am I putting hoes before my bro.”
I look out over the crowd. “ Is this normally where you come hunting?”
Evan shrugs. “ Sometimes . I thought you might like it here.”
“ Yeah , it’s not bad. A little crowded for my taste.”
He looks around behind him. “ Not exactly the White Wolf , is it?”
The waitress appears with two beers. She exchanges them for the empty bottles on our table. “ Thanks , ma’am,” I say and nod my head.
She gives me a wide smile and lifts her shoulders. “ You’re welcome. Not used to that.”
“ To what? Being told thank you?”
“ Being called ma’am. It’s sexy. Can I get you guys anything else?”
I wink at her, and she gives me a sexy side glance. “ I think we’re good…what’s your name?” I ask.
“ Kari ”
“ Kari ,” I repeat.
“ Hey , can I ask you a question?”
“ Sure .”
She leans in closer. “ How tall are you?”
I chuckle and put my beer down as I stand up. Her eyes follow up my body, and then her pretty lips part as she blinks up at me.
“ Six , six.” I nudge my finger under her chin. “ Too tall?”
“ Not at all.” She glances at Evan , then back at me. “ My shift ends at one.”
I sit back down, and she leans her elbow against our table. I look at Evan , and he nods his head telling me to go for it. “ I’m flattered, Kari , but I came to visit my friend. I’d hate to dump him on our second night out together.”
“ I can take care of myself, Luke . Don’t worry about me,” he says.
I could kick him. In fact, I might after she leaves.
“ So you’re not from Chicago ?”
“ No . Wyoming actually.”
For some reason, this makes her look down my body, and bite her lip. What a nice full lip it is. I admit she is pretty, not flashy, with light brown hair and hazel eyes. She’s wearing pale pink lip-gloss, and her uniform, which consists of a skintight, low-cut T -shirt and little black shorts. She’s wearing ankle boots, and I notice she has an intricate tattoo of vines down the side of her thigh. When my eyes meet hers, I know I’m busted.
She doesn’t seem to mind though, and steps between my open knees. “ Think about it, okay? I promise you’ll have a good time.”
I grab her waist and pull her against me in one quick movement. She gasps, and the look in her eyes turns dark. “ I’ll think about it, darling. Nothing could keep me from thinking about taking you home.”
“ I might be able to get off a bit early,” she offers.
One corner of my mouth rises in a grin. I lean in and whisper, “ I’d make sure you get off early—more than once.”
She trembles with a sudden chill, and when she almost drops her tray, I catch it. She steps back and smiles. “ Sorry .”
“ Don’t be,” I tell her.
“ Luke ?” she asks seductively.
“ Yeah ?”
“ Please , seriously think about it.”
I laugh lightly. “ Will do.”
With that, she backs away from our table, taking a moment to glance at Evan who’s got his hand shielding his mouth in an attempt not to laugh. When she turns on her heel and leaves, he starts clapping. “ Shit man! Where the hell did that come from?”
“ You’re not the only one with game,” I inform him.
“ Can’t blame the poor girl. I would have come in my panties too.”
I laugh and take a drink. “ Whatever . I’m not taking her anywhere.”
“ Why the hell not?”
“ I told her why. I’m here to see you.” I point my beer in his direction.
“ Fuck that, Luke ! You should totally fuck that girl.”
I look away, not even feeling playful about it anymore. “ Eh , I really don’t want a one-night stand.”
“ You’re here for a week. I’m sure she’d come back a couple more times.”
I toss a paper coaster at him, and it nails him in the chest. “ What the hell was that for?”
“ For suggesting I use that waitress for sex while I’m in town. You can be such a pig sometimes.”
“ Me ? As if you weren’t eye fucking her. I saw you,” he accuses.
“ She seems like a nice girl, but no respectable woman should give herself away that easily.”
“ What the fuck ever.” Evan turns away and looks over the crowd. “ You suck as a wingman.”
“ I’ll help you get laid if that’s what you want. Just pick out a girl, but I’m not fucking a strange girl on your behalf.”
“ It isn’t what I want. Not really.” The mood turns serious, and Evan gets quiet.
We both finish our beers, and Kari is quick to bring us two more. She gives me a wink before she weaves through the crowd and back to the bar. The more I see her, the more I like the idea of taking her home, or maybe that is the alcohol talking. Fuck , it would be nice to feel raw desire again.
“ After this round can we go back to my place?” Evan asks, still not looking in my direction.
“ Can go now if you want.”
“ Yeah okay.”
“ Got a pen?” I ask.
Evan looks at me questioningly. “ No . Why ?”
I stand up. “ I’ll go pay the tab. Be right back.”
When I get to the bar, the bartender rings up our tab. Kari isn’t around, so I snag a pen and write my cell number on one of the coasters. I leave it on our table along with a fifty under my empty bottle of beer.
Evan runs his hand through his hair and nods at the table. “ Thought you weren’t interested.”
“ I told her I’d think about it. I’m not taking her home tonight, but I’ll still think about it while I’m here.”
Evan laughs, and I follow him out of the bar. We take the train back to his place, and I can’t say I’m not relieved when we walk into his apartment. It’s after midnight, and I smell like cigarettes and beer.
“ I’m going to shower,” I tell him as I sort through my clothes to find a clean pair of underwear. I strip down to my briefs and leave the clothes on the bedroom floor before I step into the bathroom. His shower is a little fancy for me, but at least I can stand straight under the shower head.
I’m still thinking about Kari . Evan’s right, it has been too long since I got laid. I slide my soapy fist over my cock. Kari’s ass in those shorts, flashes in my head, but then I find myself comparing her to Rachel . I shake Rachel out of my thoughts and concentrate on the way that T -shirt stretched over Kari’s tits. Wonder what she liked about my height? I picture her straddling my hips and grinding down on my cock as I fist myself in time with the fantasy. Kari changes to Rachel , and I stroke faster.
Fuck , I miss the way Rachel rides my cock. She is the reason I haven’t slept with anyone else. She was always so hot and wet, so ready for me. My stepmom. Damn , it all felt so forbidden…and that thought sends lust rushing through my body, hot and fast.
My cum shoots across the shower and slides down the tile wall. I lean my head against the tile and finish stroking myself, standing under the water while my blood pounds through my veins. I should have brought that waitress back with me. I don’t know why I torture myself. I’m never going to be with Rachel again.
I’m startled when the bathroom door opens.
“ Fuck , you take longer than a woman,” Evan complains.
I hear him flip up the toilet seat and take a piss. I can’t help but laugh to myself. “ You ruined a perfectly good orgasm.”
“ Couldn’t be helped. I was dying.”
“ Isn’t there another bathroom in this apartment?” I shut off the water and open the shower door. Evan looks me up and down and smiles. He shakes off his dick and tucks it back into his jeans. I grab a towel and dry off my hair.
“ Yeah , and it has a shower in it too.” He flushes the toilet. I dry my back while he washes his hands.
“ You just wanted to see my dick.”
He winks at me. “ Somebody should see it.”
I laugh as he walks out of the bathroom, leaving the door wide open. He disappears into the closet. I’m stepping into my boxers when he returns, naked. He smacks my ass as he walks by and steps into the shower.
“ Well , I’m flattered.” I’m also getting stiff again just from seeing him. It has been too long. Not to mention I’m buzzed.
“ You’re staying in here tonight.”
“ In the bathroom?” I ask
“ Ha ha, smartass. No ! In my room. I’m not making you stay out on that sofa.”
I grab my toothbrush and put paste on it. “ I don’t mind.”
Evan pokes his head out of the shower. “ No discussion. I’ll feel better if you can get a decent night’s sleep.”
I spit into the sink. “ Alright . Thanks , man.”
“ Uh -huh. But if you hook up with Kari , you have to go to her place.”
I rinse out my mouth and tap my toothbrush on the side of the sink. “ Thought you wanted to share?”
“ Shit ! I didn’t know that was on the table. Wasn’t sure you would be interested. You think she’d be down?”
“ How the hell would I know?”
The shower cuts off, and Evan steps out. Water drips from the ends of his hair and down his wet body. It’s so easy to be around him, but it makes my chest ache. He rubs the towel over his face, and his cock sways as water drips from the tip. I look away and walk into the bedroom while I palm myself. I lay down on the left side, remembering he likes the right. Trying not to think about his wet naked body, I stare at the ceiling while he talks about how I should ask her out if she calls.
I don’t want Kari though. No , that would be too easy. Everything I want, I can’t have, or should I say, doesn’t want me. I pull the covers over my shoulder and roll to my side. Evan’s still talking when he turns out the light and slides in next to me. His hand taps me on my side. “ You okay?”
“ Yeah . I’m just tired.”
I hear him sigh and that old feeling stirs in me. I squeeze my eyes closed and take a deep breath. Evan squirms, getting comfortable.
“ Night .”
“ Night ,” I tell him, but I’m not tired. My mind is restless, and now that I’m with him, I feel the need to talk about things. I want to tell him about Rachel and how much I miss her. I want to tell him how much I really miss him. It’s all so fucked up, and I have no say in the matter. I have to remain good ‘ole reliable Luke and be the one that’s here for them when they need me, and nothing more.