4. Evan
4
Evan
I haven’t slept a wink. It feels like I’ve been lying here for hours. I don’t think Luke is asleep either. He hasn’t moved—at all. Maybe I should sleep on the sofa. As much as I don’t want to, I feel like I need to talk. As if it’s the only way to get this thing to leave me alone.
“ Maybe it was my fault,” I hedge. “ He caught me checking out a guy in the bar.”
“ Who ?”
“ Zephyr .” Saying his name makes my body tense. In an attempt to relax, I put my hands behind my head.
It is quiet for a few moments before Luke rolls onto his back.
“ What the hell kinda name is Zephyr ?”
I know he’s trying to lighten the mood, but I can’t find it in me to laugh.
“ So he thought you were bi?” he asks carefully.
“ Maybe . We fucked the girls in his living room. He was right. I did look at his cock.”
“ That’s not really like you.”
“ I know. I don’t know what was going on with me. I’ve never been around anyone like that. I mean, he was handsome, but he was also arrogant and demanding. I couldn’t look away. You should have seen the way he treated his date.”
Luke turns to me. His fingers skim up my bicep. “ But it turned you on?”
I turn and look at my best friend. I’m not sure I can admit that even to him.
“ It’s okay if it did, you know?”
I scrub my hands over my face. “ Why are you so understanding? As if we’re lying here talking about a girl.”
He wraps his hand around my wrist and pulls my hand from my face. “ Because it’s normal. Anyone can be arousing, regardless of who they are, what sex they are, or even what kind of a person they are. Because I know you, Evan . You always liked it when I took control. It isn’t such a stretch to imagine why you found his attitude arousing.”
I search his eyes, but he doesn’t look away. I see nothing that says he is disgusted or disappointed. “ His cock was huge. I’ve never… I mean it was thick. Who wouldn’t look?”
Luke smiles. “ You watched him fuck the girl?”
“ Some . He was rough with her. Took her from behind and made her call him daddy.”
“ Seriously ?” Luke’s eyebrows rise.
“ Yeah . Then he watched me fuck my girl. They left pretty quickly after that.”
“ Why didn’t you leave when they did?” he asks.
“ I should have. He offered me another beer. I guess that’s when he slipped me something. I do remember getting up to leave, but then it’s all blank.”
Luke’s hand squeezes my arm. “ It’s not your fault.”
I take a deep breath and stare at the ceiling. “ Still .”
“ I wish I knew what to do to make it better.” He sighs. “ You have to not blame yourself for this. There were factors beyond your control.”
I wish I had the guts to ask for what I need, or maybe it’s simply what I want. Instead , I roll over to face him. The way his long body takes up room in my bed makes it seem he’s always belonged there. My eyes scan over his dimly lit silhouette that is uncovered down to his waist. I know his body so well, and yet, I don’t know it as much as I want.
“ You do make it better. Just being here… I needed someone to talk to. The first thing I wanted was to be with you that morning. I needed you.”
Luke looks at me as if he wants to say something. His hand moves toward my chest but stops.
“ What ?” I ask when he hesitates.
“ It’s difficult not to reach out and touch you, hold you. Always made me feel better.”
“ We’re not teenagers anymore, Luke .”
He twists his body, laying his shoulders flat as his hand shifts to slide over his forehead. “ No , we’re not.”
I hate myself. What the fuck difference does it make how old we are?
My heart is pounding in my ears, and I feel myself caught in that moment before I make an important decision. I can feel how stressed I make him, and I don’t want that either. I fuck every woman in sight, but Luke waits. He waits for the right person and the right time.
He has waited for me. That hits me square in the chest.
“ Luke ?”
“ Yeah ?”
With a trembling hand, I slowly reach out and lightly skim my fingers over his chest. His head whips around, and he looks at me as if he has a thousand questions. I swallow the lump in my throat and splay my hand over his warm flesh. Allowing myself to feel his skin and touch him intimately causes my head to spin and my heart to race.
“ I do want you to touch me,” I admit.
Suddenly , he grasps my wrist and holds my hand away from him. “ Do not say, or do, something you’ll regret, Evan .” He is breathless, and I wonder if that is due to my touch alone.
I don’t want to regret it. If I’m honest with myself, I want to give in to these desires. “ I miss you,” I confess.
Luke eases his hold, and it feels as if we stare at each other forever. His grip loosens as he takes a deep breath of resignation. Finally , he carefully places my hand back over his beating heart.
“ I’m right here, Evan . I’ve always been right here .”
I wonder if he’s hard, as hard as I am? I let myself remember the feel of his hand—his mouth, and it drains the strength from my muscles. I slide my hand down his body, under the sheet, and inside the waistband of his boxers. The head of his cock meets my fingers immediately.
“ Fuck !” he curses. “ Don’t do this to me if you’re going to regret it tomorrow…cut me out of your life again.” His voice is stern. “ I’m tired of being the reason for your guilt. It’s not fair.”
I want to promise him that I won’t feel guilty. Right now, I feel like I could never regret the way he feels in my hand. I slide my thumb over the head and a hiss of air slides through his teeth.
“ I don’t want to think. I don’t want to feel guilty for being able to touch you again. I want to feel you. I have always wanted to touch you freely, feel everything with you. It’s just… I’m losing the ability to resist.”
His hand pushes into my boxers, and he jerks my hard cock as if to remind me who’s in control. No one is as rough with me as Luke is. He gave Rachel insight into what drove me crazy, but when he treats my cock like his own personal toy, I swear, I see stars.
I jerk him back, and everything suddenly feels overwhelmingly right. I rise up on my knees and yank his underwear down his thighs. He lets go of me to pull them off completely, but not before I have him deep in my throat. The shock has him cursing my name.
Fuck , his smell is familiar, a warmth like no other. I ache so much for him, I could weep. In this moment I realize, I’m too weak to fight this anymore.
His hands roughly fist my hair. He grinds up into my mouth, desperate and wanting, and it’s a heady feeling. We both groan loudly. He starts thrusting upward, so I relax and let him fuck my mouth. Tears leak from the corners of my eyes.
Fuck me. Use me. Take all of me.
I’m so fucking relieved that he still wants me. All these years, I had convinced myself that his desire for me had died, that what we had was dead.
I circle his cock with my tongue as he slides out and back inside. Once he is in my throat, I swallow, clenching my throat around him. He grips my hair and grinds into me.
“ Fucking hell, Evan . Fuck ! Fuck !”
Suddenly his hands are all over my shoulders and my arms. He props himself up so he can reach my hips. He shoves my boxers down and squeezes my ass. When he pushes me off of him, I sit back on my heels, confused that maybe he has come to his senses and is stopping me.
He scoots closer, settles his shoulders back against the mattress, and smacks his chest. “ I want to suck you at the same time, Evan . Damn , I’ve missed you!”
My cock throbs, almost coming from his words. I waste no time getting in position over top of him. When his hands cup my balls, I groan loudly and position my cock at his lips. I sink the head into his warm wet mouth causing my body to shudder. When his tongue slides along my length, a curse slips from my mouth. With an abrupt snap of my hips, I start moving. It is almost impossible to think of anything else, but I grasp him in my hands and suck him into my mouth.
The intense feelings battle for my attention. My focus whips from the feel of him in my mouth to the feel of my cock in his. The slippery heat of his tongue. The depth he swallows me down. I lose the capacity to think. Luke’s the only person who takes me here, to this place where everything is incredible and unequivocally right. Where I don’t have to think or be anything other than in love with him.
He growls, and the vibration surges through my cock, making my hips tingle. I groan around him and slide my teeth lightly over his silky flesh. My hips begin to rock. It is a wonder I don’t die from the pleasure. I wish I could…simply slip away after Luke finally fucks me. That way the bliss would never fade, and the guilt would never return.
Luke’s hands massage my ass and pull my hips closer. He holds me there as his tongue plays with my cock. It flickers over me, and the touch is so light and quick, that it gives me chills.
My mouth pops off of his dick, as I gasp for breath. “ Damn it, Luke !”
Holding his cock, I lick the tip over and over as precum leaks out. He tastes the same, salty, strong, and male—my best friend turned lover. His hips are thrusting up as I twist my fingers around his base. The movement of his tongue is making me dizzy so I close my eyes and swallow him down quickly. He grunts around me, but I push deeper.
Nothing in the world matters. Nothing I’ve ever felt or done matters more than being intimate with him. He is the only person who knows everything, and the only person who accepts all of it. I forget how defective I feel because he makes me feel whole and good. If someone as good as Luke can love me and touch me, then I must not be so terrible.
A tidal wave of emotions barrels over me so I pull away searching for breath. “ I love you, Luke .”
His hand slaps my chest urgently, and when I reach for him, he clasps my hand, weaving his fingers with mine. The added connection is a conduit for our souls to mix. It ruins me.
I lay my head against his thigh and fuck his soft mouth while his strong, eager tongue tastes and caresses me. His lips press against my shaft as they slide up and down. It spurs thoughts of his mouth in various memories, talking to me, smiling, smirking. It is all so fucking sexy; I have to will myself to not come. I stop my movements with just the tip in his mouth, and he plays with me, flicking his tongue back and forth. My eyes roll back as the bed seems to tilt.
The tip of his tongue probes my slit and then laps up the cum leaking from me. I wonder if he enjoys how I taste as much as I love his taste. His head rises as he sucks me deep into his throat. He sucks harder and harder, pulling more blood into my throbbing cock, causing it to jerk and twitch. The darkness turns to a blinding light when my cum shoots down his throat. I squeeze his hand and he tightens his hold even harder as if to tell me he is wholly with me…not to stop…that he’s never backing down.
“ Luke !” I beg as I reach my peak that shakes my body with such force, I can hardly hold myself over him. It feels wonderfully endless as I circle my hips and grind into his throat. He swallows over and over, pulling me deeper. Luke owns my cock, has from the very first time.
I lift my heavy head and take his throbbing dick back into my mouth. He bucks up immediately, and I wrap my arms around his legs to spread them wider. His mouth releases me, and I feel him kissing my sensitive flesh and caressing my balls.
“ I love you too, Evan . I wish you’d let me love you like this all the time. Don’t you realize, baby, that I would take such good care of you?”
I will! I will! I think to myself as I work him in and out of my mouth. He shifts his body as I continue to suck and lick his cock.
“ I’m close,” he warns so I suck him deep into my throat and ground myself by wrapping my arms tighter around him.
When I grip his thighs, they tense. His muscles twitch against my shoulders. Suddenly he begins thrusting his hips up to my mouth. He stills as his cumshoots over my tongue and hits the back of my throat. I feel it slide down, hot and thick. I groan with the feeling. The taste of him is like a drug that I gave up, and with one taste, I am more addicted than ever.
As he softens, I continue licking and tasting him. Because I know he will let me, I keep him in my mouth with just enough suction to hold him inside me as long as I can. His palms slide up my backside and up my spine.
“ Mmm ,” he hums and as his body relaxes, I suckle him softly. My mind gets fizzy as we melt together. We’re finally connected, and while I know it is still not enough, right now it is everything.
He squeezes my hand, and I return the action. Carefully , I lay against his warm skin.
“ Luke ?”
“ Hmmm ?”
He doesn’t answer like I expect him to, but a wet touch flutters between my ass cheeks. My body jolts, but he hums reassuringly so I ease back against the feeling. His large hands spread my ass cheeks apart. I feel his tongue slide up from my balls and around my sensitive hole. I grip my arms around his waist, unsure if this is what I want—afraid for him to touch me there, but his tongue breaches me before I have a chance to consider it.
Shivers skate over my skin causing me to grunt and tremble. The pleasure is insurmountable. The lack of pain sets my body at ease.
He takes my hand again, squeezing it lovingly. His tongue is so hot and slick. I rock against the tip of it, and he growls out a sound that is similar to a purr, causing me to shudder for breath.
“ Holy hell, Luke !”
“ Feel okay?” he asks.
“ No words… just…”
His tongue sinks inside, and so help me I want more. I honestly want Luke inside every one of my orifices. I don’t care if it’s his cock, his tongue, or even…
“ Oh hell!”
Luke’s thumb is circling my asshole, spreading his saliva around. The cool air hits there, and I get chills.
“ Luke , I can’t handle this.” I bury my face against the soft skin below his abdominals.
His tongue flicks over me quickly, and then he sinks his thumb into me very slowly.
“ I want you to remember me, Evan . Remember how good I made you feel. Not him.”
My body begins moving of its own accord, fucking Luke’s thumb, and it drives me insane. I grip his hand with all my strength, pulling it between us and against my chest. First , I feel his tongue and then his thumb. Back to his tongue again, and this time his index finger works in slowly.
“ Tell me if it’s too much.”
I shake my head with my face pressed to his warm skin. His small trail of hair tickles my nose. I swipe my tongue over it as his tongue works around where his finger has breached me. I’m intoxicated by his touch, his taste, and his scent. Has any human ever smelled so fucking sexy?
He continues to tease, pressing in, pulling out. I relax my body and switch off my brain to ease the intrusion. At times, it’s a little uncomfortable and odd. I have a mantra of the word ‘relax’ spinning around in my mind. Suddenly his touch sends a bolt of pleasure through me causing me to physically lurch back.
He hums with pleasure and proceeds to massage that one spot.
“ I’m going to die, Luke !” I squeeze the hell out of his hand. “ You’re going to kill me.”
He kisses my skin and licks around the base of his finger as it inches back and forth inside of me.
I let go of his hand so I can hold on to his hips. If I don’t, I’m going to slip off his body. He continues to manipulate the inside of me, and I’m lost in the pleasure. I’m not sure I’m even human anymore. I have never felt so much for another person nor have I ever felt so much of everything all at once. Suddenly , spasms rock through my entire body in intense waves. I’m shaking, but Luke continues massaging inside of my body until I cry out. The world is tipped off its axis, and I’m pretty sure my soul leaves my body because the pleasure is too much to withstand. When my cum finally shoots from my cock, it feels so damn good it hurts.
The motherfucker hums against my ass sending a vibration through me that has me rutting against him, smearing my cum between our bodies.
I collapse onto him, completely blissed. All I feel is his hot tongue caressing my ass. His hand is still interlaced with mine, my anchor through this rapture. Slowly my heart and breath calm.
I roll off him, onto my back, unable to fucking comprehend that I’m even on this earth. When the bed shifts, I open my eyes. He returns from the bathroom with a wet cloth and cleans up both of our chests. After tossing the cloth on the floor, he lifts me up, turning me to lie back with him. We lay our heads on the same pillow and wrap ourselves around each other. This is the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.
LUKE
I’m a live wire. I feel completely satiated and absolutely starving for more. This is one reason I don’t sleep around, or with just anyone. When I get a little, I want so much more. I’m trying to rein myself in because this is tricky territory with Evan . He won’t give me everything, and I’m not even sure he’ll give me more than what we just had.
His head is on the pillow next to mine. Every time he breathes, his breath skirts around my ear and gives me chills. He has a loose grip on my opposite shoulder. Every once in a while, his fingers twitch. I want him to wake up, but I also want him right here. I want him for myself, to keep.
I can feel his cock pressed against my hip, but unlike him, I’m hard as steel. It has been bearable, but now I’m beginning to ache. I slide my fingers down his side, to his ass. My long limbs give me an unfair advantage, so I reach and move my finger down the crevice of his ass until I find what I’m searching for. I circle my finger around and lightly press against him.
My eyes fall closed as I let myself imagine what I do my best to repress. I want to sink into him. I want to feel what it’s like to make love to Evan . My cock bounces with the thought, and I almost wish I could stroke it. I swear, I think I could forget Rachel if Evan would take me—if he would love me back. We could attempt to forget her together.
I smile when I feel Evan’s dick getting hard against me. I nudge my hip closer. I don’t have any kind of lubricant, so I don’t penetrate him, just caress and play around his sensitive flesh.
“ That feels so good,” he whispers with a raspy voice.
I smile, relieved he hasn’t pushed me away. “ Thought you were asleep.”
“ How could I sleep when…” he stops mid-sentence and groans.
Turning , I bury my nose in his soft hair. He reaches behind his back and pulls my hand up his body. He separates my fingers and sucks on two of them with his wicked, wet mouth. The sensation makes my every nerve stand at attention. Once my fingers are thoroughly wet, he takes my hand and presses it against the base of his spine.
“ Are you sure? I don’t want this to hurt.”
“ I want this, Luke . Please ?” he asks.
I sink one finger all the way inside of him. His hips thrust back, causing him to take in a sharp breath. His fingers sink into my shoulder grounding me with the pain.
“ This shouldn’t feel so good,” he groans. “ But that one spot…fuck!”
I press my lips to his temple and hum, content that he’s in my arms, and that his pleasure is mine to wield. I feel around inside of him, wanting to know his body and remember how he feels under my touch. “ Another ?”
He nods, and I slowly work a second finger inside. He moans and presses his face against my neck. “ Luke …” I feel his teeth bite into my skin.
“ That’s it, baby.” Hurt me, devour me.
I enjoy the sound of my name muffled against my neck. He says it with such need and desire. He lets go of my shoulder and reaches down to take my cock in his hand. This time, I groan and bite down on my tongue, because it feels too fucking good. We don’t know what we’re doing though. At least I don’t, and I doubt he does either. Outside of porn, this is my only education in how to touch another man. I’m following my instincts and desires.
“ I want to finger you too,” he says, and my body lurches with a sudden need.
I slide my feet up and let my knees drop open. My fingers fuck his ass faster because I’m too wound up to go slow. Evan thrusts his fingers in my mouth.
“ Suck ,” he demands.
I growl but happily comply. Quickly he pulls them from my mouth and stops to palm my balls. “ Fuck Evan .”
“ I’m going to.” He laughs lightly, and then I feel the tip of his finger pressing against me. He presses along the rim making me feel like he’s opening me up.
“ Tomorrow we need to buy lube,” I mumble.
He chuckles. “ If we can manage to get out of bed.”
I swear he is going to destroy me, and I want it with all that it is in me. I felt the same way the first time he took me into his mouth. The thought of that night makes me clench.
“ Relax .”
I take in a breath, and he presses into me, circling his finger inside my body. I plunge my fingers deeper inside of him and hold them there. I can’t maintain a rhythm while he’s fingering me. “ Evan …”
“ Do you know how much I love you, Luke ?” he asks.
“ No ,” I answer truthfully.
His finger sinks deeper, and then he presses against a spot inside my body that makes the world implode. It has been my goal to touch him there, give him that pleasure, but I never considered what it would feel like for me. I buck my hips because I fucking need more of that!
He laughs. “ This much, Luke . Because I want you to know how good this feels.”
I roughly rut against him because holy fuck !
“ I need you to move inside me,” he says.
I pull my knees up and begin caressing the inside of him. We both groan, rock and grind against one another’s fingers. “ I want this to be mine!” I fuck him with my fingers again.
He gasps and groans. “ It is Luke . I swear!”
“ Don’t fuck with me tomorrow about this. You want this?”
“ I do!”
“ Then let me have it and enjoy me giving it to you.”
Evan grinds against my knuckles. “ I am… holy hell!” He rubs his dick against my hip, getting off on me. It’s lewd, and the sexiest shit I’ve ever witnessed.
We find a rhythm of rutting and rubbing inside of each other, and as much as my dick is throbbing, I want nothing more than Evan’s fingers in my ass.
“ We should have tried this before.”
“ Shut up!” I snap. “ Damn you! You fucking overthink everything! I won’t let you overthink this.” I press firmly against his prostate, and he grunts. “ This is fucking right. Don’t you feel it?”
His only response is to grunt and groan.
I twist my fingers in and out. “ Answer me.”
“ Damn it!”
“ Admit that there is nothing wrong about what’s happening.”
Evan’s face falls against my neck. His breath is quick and shallow. “ It feels…more right than anything I’ve … ever… God , Luke .”
“ What , Evan ?”
He scissors his fingers, and I think I feel what he’s feeling. As if every nerve in my body is connected to that one spot in my body and sucking the fucking life out of me.
“ I’ll always love you,” he whispers.
The world crashes in, and my cum shoots across my chest and Evan’s arm. Every muscle is quaking and twitching. I realize he is thrusting against my hip. His teeth sink into my shoulder. As his cum mixes with mine, his body shakes. It helps him slip easily back and forth. I feel it dripping down my side, soaking the bed beneath us. My fingers go limp inside him because I have absolutely no strength. He isn’t inside of me now either. Instead , he is massaging my balls gently.
Carefully , I rotate my fingers out of him and caress his ass. I pull him closer to me. “ I’ve always loved you, Evan . Why can’t you see that?”
There are several moments of nothing but the sound of our breath before he speaks.
“ I’m afraid.”
His honesty is disarming. I roll over and tuck him into me with my leg. I run my fingers through his dark hair, and when I look down, his blue eyes meet mine. “ I know you are, but I’m never going to hurt you.”
He looks down submissively. Deep down I know he wants to believe me, but he doesn’t know how.