5. Luke
5
Luke
I hear my phone ringing, but when I open my eyes, I’m completely disoriented.
“ Answer the damn phone, Luke !”
Evan’s on his stomach next to me dragging his pillow over his head. I look down his naked back to his ass that’s half covered. I smile to myself as a ripple of possessive pleasure rolls over me.
My phone is incessantly ringing. I throw back the covers and by the time I make it across the room to my bag, the ringing stops. Fuck , it’s after ten in the morning? The chime of a ping indicates I have voicemail. I stand, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, and a banner flashes that the call was from Rachel . The warm buzzing in my body settles. I look over at Evan who has moved the pillow underneath his chest and is now hugging it.
Did last night really happen? I want to pull back the sheet and crawl over him. Instead , I look down at my phone and know it will have to wait. I walk back to the bed and pick up my boxers off the floor. Reluctantly , I put them on and leave the room.
I start a pot of coffee so it will be ready by the time I finish talking to Rachel . The phone only rings a couple of times before she answers.
“ Are you alright?” she asks.
“ Yeah .” I sound like hell, so I clear my throat. “ I’m fine.”
“ You sound like you just woke up?”
“ Umm …yeah I overslept. We went out last night.” I sit on the edge of the sofa and stare out at the sun glinting off the skyscrapers.
Rachel is quiet, and I can hear her turn on the faucet in the kitchen.
“ Are you okay?” I ask.
“ Olivia and I are fine. I told you not to worry. The ranch is fine. Everything is being taken care of by Randy and his nephew.”
“ Caleb is a good kid. Glad he is helping Randy out. I know it was a sudden trip.”
“ Long overdue,” she says softly.
I run my fingers through my messy hair. “ Yeah , it really has been.”
“ I met Caleb’s dad.”
“ Bridges ?” I ask.
“ Yeah , he comes and picks up Caleb at the end of the day.”
“ I’ve only met him once before. I don’t really know much about him other than what Randy has told me.”
“ He seemed nice, a little sure of himself.”
I chuckle. “ Randy has said the same. Bridges owns a ton of land, rich as hell from what I understand.”
There is an awkward pause, and I wonder why Rachel brought him up. It’s probably nothing more than making sure I’m aware who is around the ranch while I’m away. My yawn breaks the silence.
“ And Evan ? How is he?” Her voice is quiet, careful.
“ Better . Good .” I clear my throat again and wonder why the hell I’m nervous.
“ Must be if you two went out last night. So , did you two pick up some girls?”
If there is anything Rachel is not, it’s subtle. I smile, because if I didn’t know any better, I’d say she sounds jealous. Maybe she is. “ No . We didn’t even talk to any, unless you count our waitress. We had some beers and came back here.”
Rachel lets out a breath. “ I’m sorry. It’s really none of my business.”
“ You don’t have to apologize.” I’m actually enjoying her interest in my sex life. I’ll never give up hope we will rekindle our relationship.
“ In that case is he seeing anyone?”
I smile. My heart picks up speed. I am thankful I’m not talking to her face to face. “ No . You know he hasn’t been in a relationship since…since he left.” A relationship—no, but I don’t tell her how much he sleeps around.
“ I know only what you tell me.”
I’m not telling her a lot right now, but in this case, it’s true. Telling her anything more would only hurt her feelings. I should know because the knowledge of Evan’s escapades hurts me. “ I never lie to you, or anyone, for that matter.”
“ I know.”
“ You want to talk to him?” I ask.
“ What ? No ! Why would you even ask?” The panic in her voice is evident.
“ Because you want to hear his voice. Sometimes I think you miss him more than I do.”
“ Just don’t go there, okay? I only wanted to check in on you. You know, to make sure you are safe. Is Evan feeding you?”
I bark out a laugh. “ You know good and well I’m doing all the cooking.”
She laughs, and I’m glad it eases the heavy mood. “ Then he’s lucky. I’m glad you went to visit him, regardless of what’s going on.”
“ Look it’s personal for him so…” I have kept Evan’s secret about what happened since the moment he called. Thankfully , Rachel hasn’t pursued it.
“ No , it’s fine. I want him to be okay, whatever it is. Sounds like your visit is exactly what he needed.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Evan walk into the kitchen, dressed in running pants and a matching zip-up hoodie. “ He is. We both are.”
“ I’ll let you go. Sorry , I woke you,” she says.
“ It’s no big deal. I’ll check in later, so you don’t worry.” She does worry though. She always has from the moment my mom was dying in the hospital.
“ Enjoy your time with him. Everything here is managed.”
“ Alright . I will, I promise.”
“ Olivia sends her love and wants me to tell you that my pancakes are not as good as yours.”
I laugh and my heart swells. “ Well , you don’t make them into the shapes of horses and hearts.”
“ Nope . Plain ole boring round pancakes is all I do.”
“ Tell her I miss her too, and when I come home, I’ll make a special batch just for her.”
“ I will. Take care, Luke .”
I tell her goodbye and disconnect the call. When I walk into the kitchen, Evan is drinking a cup of coffee. I take a mug out of the cabinet to make a cup for myself.
“ Rachel checking in on you?” he asks.
I hum my confirmation and pour the coffee.
“ She and Olivia okay?”
I turn and look at him. He looks as hesitant as he sounds. I walk by him and open the fridge for the cream he brought home yesterday. “ They’re both good. I told her you were good too, if you’re wondering.”
“ She asked?”
“ Of course, she asked. She still cares…” I don’t know why he would think she wouldn’t.
Evan holds up his hand to stop me. “ I know. Listen , I’m going for my run.”
I take a sip from my cup and stand toe to toe with him. He has combed his hair, but he still needs to shave. “ Want me to make some breakfast?”
He looks at the clock on the microwave and then back at me. “ Why don’t we go out for lunch somewhere? Get out of here for a bit.”
I raise an eyebrow and set my cup on the counter behind him. I smirk. “ Sure . We have to get some lube anyway.”
He doesn’t smile as I expected. Instead , things feel awkward. “ Right .”
I lean closer and place my hands on the counter on either side of him. He still smells the way he tastes. “ You okay with what happened? You promised you wouldn’t be like this.”
His pupils widen, and he looks down my body. “ You going to get dressed before I get back?”
I slide my nose lightly against his. “ Depends . I can get undressed.”
He is trembling slightly, and I hope it’s from the same excitement that’s making my dick hard. He looks into my eyes. “ I promised, didn’t I ?”
“ But are you?”
Evan’s tongue darts out and licks his lower lip. “ Yeah . Last night…” he trails a finger up my chest and over my nipple. “…it felt amazing. You always make me feel…incredible.”
“ For me too.” I move closer and lean my lips against his. At the moment they touch, he straightens and moves away from me.
“ I’ll be back soon.” He turns back to me and smiles before walking out the door, leaving me with a hard-on and the feeling that he is anything but okay with what happened.
EVAN
My head is a fucking mess. I’m completely rattled. I added a half-mile to my run, but all it is succeeding in doing is leaving me exhausted. Distracted , I haven’t paced myself like I should. I just want to burn off all this nervous energy. Desire is like a fucking drug. Once I give in and have a taste, it’s the only thing I want in the world, but when the high is over, I’m left wondering what the hell I’ve just allowed myself to do.
Last night was fucking incredible! My entire run, I’ve relived every moment, and I have a raging hard-on to prove it. If I’m not thinking about his mouth on my dick or mine on his, I’m thinking about his fingers inside of me. Holy shit that felt…there aren’t words! But I know! I KNOW this is not okay, regardless of what I told him! I mean it felt more than okay , but…
I plop down on a bench and look out over the lake. It is so damn confusing. It feels so fucking right that it’s scary. It feels like something I was made to experience and designed to experience with Luke . I can’t explain the bond we have. It surpasses friendship, or even what brothers might feel. And I am a damn slave to it.
I lean over and hold my head in my hands.
Luke is a part of me, and I wasn’t lying when I told him I love him. I do! I love him in every way, even romantically. I want him to touch me as much as I want to devour him. A part of me wanted to wait for him to come back to bed so I could feel his skin against mine with nothing between us.
But …
But the voice inside my head reminds me how men are not supposed to be with men. That it isn’t natural. It isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
Fucking pussy feels natural. That’s how we’re made right? But being inside of a man, that is unnatural? Then why does it feel innate?
I look out over the water. There are three birds flying around, gliding in the air with one another. Every so often they circle around each other in a playful manner.
The memory of his touch whispers across my skin. Luke’s touch feels so inherently right.
I want him.
I love Luke .
You loved Rachel too.
I still love her, but that is neither here nor there.
I am so fucking messed up. I want to make the right choices in my life. I want to marry a woman my age, have children–be normal. But NO ! I fell in love with and lostmy virginity to my best friend’s stepmom. And Luke …with him, I keep trying things I shouldn’t, letting my desires lead my actions, and yet, my heart feels so full whenever we touch.
We weren’t reckless about it. It’s not like we sucked each other’s dicks all the time. I could count the times on my hands. It felt safe…just like now. Maybe that’s all this is, opportunity.
I stand and shake out my legs and arms and start jogging along the water. Those three birds seem to be following along. Strangely , I find them comforting as if I’m being told that it’s okay.
It isn’t about opportunity. It’s true that if we’d had more opportunities, we probably would have done more. Until Rachel , I had never felt love like that. Honest , raw, all-encompassing. Damn , I had no idea it could feel like that—like last night. Is what I’m feeling—nostalgia? Is it rebelliousness for what happened to me? I crush down the hunger urging me that I should go all the way with Luke . Since I’ve already been fucked in the ass once, what difference does it make? I’ve already crossed that line.
I squeeze my eyes closed, unable to bear listening to those thoughts. Out of breath, I stop running and walk with my hands on my hips.
Don’t overthink this. That is what Luke would tell me. What would happen if I didn’t overthink this? What if it wasn’t wrong? How would I feel? How much more could I feel?
Suddenly , those three birds sweep down in front of me before soaring up and out over the water. It feels like they take my emotions with them.
I love him.
I’ve always loved him, in one form or another, since we met. I move my hand over my aching heart. I don’t want him to go back to Wyoming . I want him to stay here with me so I can learn how to accept this. So I can touch him. So he can touch me. More … I want everything, and more, with him.
When I think about what happened with Zephyr , I feel regret not because of what we did but because…
I slide down to the ground and hug my knees.
I wanted it to be Luke . I feel like I’ve cheated on him or given away something that was his all along.
I sit in the grass, watching the waves come to shore. I stay too long, but I feel like I’m not even in my own body right now. I wish I was as free as those birds. They’re long gone now, and I wish it was that easy to fly away from everything.
I touch my lips. He almost kissed me. My heart lurches, and my stomach dips as if I’m riding a rollercoaster that just dived down to the bottom of a loop. I wish I had that moment back. What would it feel like? How do his lips taste? Are they as soft as they look?
I take a deep breath. A calm settles over me. I couldn’t let him. No matter what either of us feel, he’s going to return to Wyoming , and I can never go back there. There is no future where we would be together. We could never be more than what we are—friends. If there was a world we could go to where no one knew us, and I could forget everything I was ever taught, I’d go with him. I’d give myself wholly and completely to Luke Garrett .
But that’s not reality. I want this…what we have, and if that’s all it can be, then so be it. I can’t let it go further, because we have nowhere to go. We can’t be THAT to each other, and if I let him kiss me, that is what I am going to want—everything.
Regardless of our feelings, we could never spend our lives living and loving together. Rachel would be right there the whole time too, and I couldn’t bear that. I can hardly bear being apart from her from halfway across the country. I could never cope with her being in my life again and not being together with both Luke and me.
I stand up and take off running back to my apartment. I don’t want to spend another minute away from him while he’s here. I’ll find a way to keep from crossing any more barriers than we already have. And the ones we have crossed? I can’t uncross them. I don’t want to. I don’t care how wrong it’s supposed to be. It feels right, and I’m going to allow myself to have that with Luke . Only Luke . Just us. No one needs to know.
LUKE
We’re sitting at a table outside of this little pub downtown. I’ve eaten the entirety of the double-decker hamburger I ordered, half on a dare, and half because I was honestly starving. Evan looks relaxed in his T -shirt and jeans. His sunglasses are hiding his eyes, and more than once, I have wondered what I’m missing by not being able to see them.
He seems...well, like Evan . I don’t know what I was expecting. I feel different , but maybe I don’t seem any different to him either. He came out of that bedroom this morning, and it felt as if everything that had happened between us disappeared.
“ Earth to Luke !”
He waves his hand in front of my face. “ Sorry ,” I mumble half-heartedly.
“ What planet were you on?” He leans his elbows on the table.
“ I’m here. Maybe just tired from being up late.”
Evan smiles. It is flirty as if he can’t help himself. It makes me smile in return. He hangs his head and chuckles.
“ What ?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “ Nothing .”
I’m not accepting that. “ You and I both know it was far from nothing.”
He picks up a fry from his plate and takes a bite before tossing the other half back down. “ Oh that? Nah , it was something for sure.”
I lean closer. “ Are we going to avoid discussing it, because that’s only going to piss me off.”
Evan pushes his sunglasses up on his head, ruffling his hair. “ Don’t get pissed. What did you want to talk about?”
“ Are you overthinking it?” I snap.
“ Yes ,” he states bluntly.
I roll my eyes and sit back in my chair. To distance myself, I look across the street at a couple walking their dog.
“ But I’m not regretting it, Luke .”
When I look at him, he doesn’t look away. “ Then why didn’t you let me kiss you? You couldn’t leave fast enough this morning.”
Evan looks around us as if to see if anyone else is listening, and shrugs.
“ I panicked. I needed to think.” I’m still not satisfied. “ Look , I’m sorry.”
I try to decide if he means that, or if he’s trying to placate me. “ No , I don’t accept that.”
“ Why ?” Now I see the concern in his eyes.
I sit up and lean close to him again. “ Do you know how much…how long…” Fuck , this feels too vulnerable.
“ What ? You’ve wanted to kiss me, or get to third base with me?”
“ Well , we went a bit out of order, don’t you think? You’re not supposed to skip over first and second.”
Evan laughs, and I mean laughs out loud. He rubs his hand over his chest as he laughs. It isn’t the slightest bit funny to me. I’m damn serious. I try not to let it anger me because I know he is deflecting.
“ We’ve been on third base from the start,” he says.
“ I’m well aware.”
Evan reaches across the table. “ Hey , don’t get mad. I wasn’t laughing at you. I just never thought of what bases we’ve covered together.”
I let my hand fall next to his. He rubs the back of his finger against mine. “ I’m not mad.” I’m hurt.
“ Look . What we have is well, it’s us…what we do. First base…” he trails off as if he is considering how to phrase it.
“ First is what? Something you save for the women you pick up in bars?”
He nods his head and purses his lips. “ I deserve that.”
I move my hand off the table. “ Did you mean what you said?”
“ Which part?”
“ About loving me.”
“ Yes ,” he says without hesitation. “ You know I do.”
“ Then kiss me. Don’t you understand how much I want that with you?”
Evan pushes his sunglasses back down, leans back in his seat and crosses his arms. “ I do.”
“ Don’t you want it?” I sound fucking desperate, and I hate it.
“ Doesn’t matter, because we can’t.”
I furrow my brow trying not to hear what I think he’s saying. The fuck if he does this to me again! I stand and take out my wallet, throwing down enough money to more than cover the food and beers.
“ Hey where are you…” he starts.
I walk off. I have no idea how to get back to his place, but I don’t give a damn. I can’t sit there a moment longer and let him explain to me why kissing is a hard limit.
“ Luke ! Wait up!” he yells.
I’ll be damned if I’m slowing down. When I turn the corner, I dodge the people walking toward me. I hear his boots running toward me. He grabs my arm, and I swing around.
“ What the fuck?” he asks.
“ Really ?! What the fuck?”
“ Why are you so pissed?”
I bend down until I’m in his face. “ Because I tell you how much I want to kiss you, and you tell me we can’t !”
Evan takes a couple of steps back and looks around. “ Let’s talk about this back at my place.”
I look around, and while I really want to hash this out right now, it really isn’t the right place. Two doors down there is a coffee shop. I grab his hand and drag him with me, through the shop, and back into the men’s bathroom. It is a small bathroom built for only one person at a time, but it will just have to do.
“ What the hell are you doing?” he asks, sounding a little annoyed. That only pisses me off more.
I lock the door and turn around, fuming. “ We are going to talk.”
“ Here ?”
“ I’m not waiting any longer. This shit has been brewing for years, Evan . I thought after last night…things would be different. You promised me…”
“ I promised, I wouldn’t regret it.”
I let my head fall back and blow out a breath. Turning around, I brace my hands on the sink and hang my head. I can’t even look at him right now.
“ And I don’t. It was fucking incredible.” His voice is small, probably still afraid someone might hear.
I look up into the mirror, and he’s looking at me like he’s sorry for something. That’s when I realize what is happening. I know him too well not to have seen it. I spin around to face him.
“ So that’s it? That’s all I get? We’re going to cross this bridge and stop? That’s it, isn’t it? And kissing me is another bridge so it’s out.”
He shrugs and holds out his hands as if he can’t explain. “ Doesn’t mean we can’t still do what we did last night. We can still have fun.”
I clench my jaw until it hurts, and nod. “ Fun ?” I grit out.
“ Yeah . You’re right, I need to stop regretting it. It’s obviously something I want with you. It feels—right. Like you said.”
“ But ?”
“ No buts. I don’t want to pretend anymore that I don’t feel what I feel with you or want you like I do. You know that is huge for me!”
“ So I can finger your ass, but I can’t kiss your mouth?”
“ Fuck , Luke !” he scolds as if he wants me to keep my voice down. “ It can’t be like that between us, you know that.”
“ How do I know that?”
“ You live in Wyoming , and I live here. It isn’t as if we can pursue this, so why make it worse for both of us? Let’s just leave it where it is and be happy with what we have together.”
He reaches his hand out for mine, but I knock it away, turn, and throw open the door. I didn’t even unlock it so the lock is now broken. I don’t look back, and I don’t hear him coming after me this time. Just as well, because I don’t want him to. I can’t stand to be around him right now.
RACHEL
Bridges insisted on picking Olivia and me up, but now I wish I had made him agree to meet me. He is taking us to Jackson for dinner, which leaves me feeling a little trapped, but then Caleb is with us which makes me feel better. I don’t know why I feel as if I’m doing something wrong. I suppose it’s because, with every man I have ever been with, it has felt like I’m breaking some rule.
“ Is your food not alright?” Bridges asks from across the table.
“ No , it’s fine.”
“ You seem to have a lot on your mind.”
Yeah , like a six-foot-six blonde and his dashing best friend, but then that is always the case. “ I am a mom, of course, I have a lot on my mind.”
He smiles. He has a beautiful smile and offers it freely. I’m sure I am being too hard on him. Caleb is focused on his phone while he eats and hasn’t said more than ‘yes ma’am’ to me all evening. Olivia watches Caleb with wonder as if the idea of a teenager is foreign to her. I hope she doesn’t pick up on his tendency to stare at his phone constantly.
“ Caleb ?” Bridges raises his eyebrows and Caleb sighs before putting his phone in his pocket. “ I swear, I would love to chuck that thing out the window.”
“ Yeah , that is why Olivia has no access to mine, or Luke’s phone.”
“ All of that will happen soon enough.”
“ It’s fine if he wants to be on his phone. I am sure that dinner out with me and Olivia is not high on his list of things to do,” I offer, mostly because the meal has felt awkward enough as it is.
Caleb looks at him with hope.
“ After you’ve finished your dinner,” Bridges says. Caleb picks up his fork and begins shoveling food into his mouth. “ Maybe we should have come alone.”
Olivia leans into my side, and I put my arm around her. “ It’s fine. I love having Olivia with me. I rarely enjoy leaving her with a sitter.”
“ Even Luke ?”
“ Well , that is different.”
“ My Luke !” Olivia corrects him.
“ They are two peas in a pod,” I say with a smile.
Caleb’s fork drops on his now empty plate, and we watch as he fishes his phone back out.
“ Would you like dessert?” the waitress asks.
Bridges looks to me for an answer. “ No , that’s okay.”
“ Mom , I want ice cream!” Olivia insists.
“ One ice cream with…cherries or chocolate sauce?” he asks.
“ Both !” Olivia beams.
“ How about it Rachel ? Indulge yourself?”
I had been eyeing the flourless torte on the menu earlier. I haven’t had one in years, so I order that. It seems to please Bridges , who orders coffee for both of us, and a piece of lemon pie for himself. Caleb even jumps in and orders ice cream too.
“ It’s been a while since I’ve asked a lady to dinner. This has been nice.”
“ Thank you again.”
Bridges nods and reaches his hand to touch mine on the table. I retract and relocate my hand to my lap.
“ Forgive me.”
“ I don’t date,” I blurt out.
Bridges sits back in his chair. “ Me either.”
“ And I don’t do that either,” I remark.
He laughs and holds up his hands. “ Guilty , but that isn’t why I asked you to dinner.”
“ And why did you?”
His answer is halted by the delivery of our desserts and coffee. Once everyone is settled, he leans over the table toward me. “ Because we have a lot in common.”
“ Such as?”
“ I lost my wife ten years ago so I’m raising a kid on my own.”
I feel embarrassed for pegging him as just a rogue. “ What happened?”
He glances at Caleb before commenting softly. “ Brain aneurysm”
“ I’m sorry.”
He stares at his cup of coffee. “ It just feels like we’re in the same place. Our lives were abruptly changed and have been put on hold to focus on our kids.”
“ That’s true.” So much so it is painful. Along with Olivia , Luke and Evan are my life, and I keep them both just out of reach.“ I don’t want to date. I’m not looking for a romantic relationship.”
Caleb’s head pops up. He narrows his eyes at his dad, but Bridges doesn’t notice.
“ Okay .”
“ What does that mean?” I ask.
“ I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. You’re a stunning woman, Rachel .”
I look away, uncomfortable with the compliment. “ What ? You haven’t heard all the rumors about what a horrible woman I am?”
“ I didn’t say that.”
My eyes widen. I mean, I don’t know why it surprises me, but it does. Olivia finishes her dessert and slips down on the booth seat to put her head in my lap.
“ I’m sure the fact that we’re having dinner will stir up the rumor mill,” I comment.
“ That is why I brought you to Jackson . I am not immune to the rumors too, you know.”
I flick my gaze back on him. “ I have never heard any rumors about you.”
He smiles as if challenged. “ Womanizer ? No woman is good enough for him? Or my personal favorite— He has a harem of women in that big house of his.”
Caleb chuckles. “ As if!”
Bridges tosses his napkin at him, and they both laugh as if it’s a private joke between them.
“ So do you?” I ask.
“ What ?”
“ Have a harem?”
His smile grows to show his white teeth. “ Hardly .”
“ That’s disappointing. That would be interesting.”
“ So I’m not interesting enough for you?” he asks, turning my ribbing back on me.
I shrug, feeling solemn again.
“ I promise, I’m a good man.”
So was Wyatt , and this feels too much like that situation, only I’m not as naive and desperate as I was then.
“ Olivia is getting tired. We should probably head home.”
“ You haven’t touched your dessert.”
I look into his disappointed eyes and then glance at Caleb deciding not to comment on what I’m feeling. “ I’ll get a box.”
And that is the end of it. We barely talk to each other as he pays the check, and my dessert is boxed up. In the parking lot, he helps Olivia into her seat. Caleb helps her put her seatbelt on and begins chatting with her about the ice cream. Bridges closes the back door and stops before opening mine.
He places his hands on either side of me against the car.
“ I take it this isn’t going to happen?” he asks.
My shoulders slump as I hang my head. “ You don’t want this to happen. Not with me.”
He lifts my chin with his fingers, but I can’t find it in me to look into his face. “ Why do you think I wouldn’t want you, Rachel ?”
It’s then that I meet his gaze. “ Do you want the truth?” He nods. “ It is more that I don’t want you.” Damn , that sounded harsh!
He retracts with a sharp whistle and makes a face as if he has just been stung. “ No sense beating around the bush.”
My hand falls to his chest. “ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so cruel. What I mean is…my heart doesn’t…there isn’t room… I’m not looking for…”
He furrows his brow as I stumble over my words. “ This isn’t about still being in love with Wyatt , is it?”
My mouth drops open, a little taken aback that anyone would think that was a possibility.
“ You love someone?”
I squirm.“ I didn’t say that.”
He inches closer. “ Wait … those rumors, they’re just rumors, aren’t they?”
Anger blazes in my chest. I don’t have to answer that! “ Take me and Olivia home please.”
His hand grasps my shoulder. “ Rachel …”
I wrench my arm away. “ Don’t ! Don’t you dare spout rumors at me. I am sick of the rumors! There is no one in my life. No one!”
His eyebrows shoot up with my outburst. “ I’m not sure that is true.”
I push him away, open the car door, and get in, slamming the door before he has a chance to say something else, I don’t want to hear. He stands outside my door for a minute before getting in the driver’s seat and starting the engine. I’m relieved that Caleb and Olivia are still chatting. The sugar from the ice cream has kicked in so she has plenty to say.
I feel relief that Bridges says nothing as we drive out of Jackson . When we get onto the highway, that changes.
“ I didn’t mean anything by that. Luke isn’t even your blood. I don’t really care.”
“ Then why would you even suggest…”
“ Because , I’m disappointed.”
I harumph and cross my arms over my chest. When his finger skims my arm, I shrink away.
He grumbles. I can tell he’s agitated with me. “ I am just not used to this, okay?”
“ Women telling you no?”
“ Sadly , yes. My intention was to be your friend because I don’t really have those either. Women either want to play the pity card, or bed a rich cowboy.”
Caleb clears his throat, reminding us we’re not alone. Bridges rubs his mouth and sighs.
“ Well , I am neither. I just want to go home.”
Without another word, that is what he does. It feels like the longest ride home ever and reminds me how much I miss Luke . He has only been out of town a few days, and I feel overexposed and alone.
Being the gentleman he is, Bridges walks Olivia and me to the front door. He stands there as I unlock the door, and the minute it’s open, Olivia runs inside.
“ I’m sorry, Rachel .”
I close my eyes, wishing he hadn’t said anything. “ You should be.”
“ I am.”
“ I will understand if Caleb shouldn’t return.”
“ No , Luke needs him, so Caleb will continue to help.”
I cut my eyes to him. I really feel no sexual attraction to him whatsoever. “ I can’t do that with anyone, like it’s nothing.”
This time Bridges squirms, lifts his hat, and runs his fingers through his hair. “ It’s easier than letting someone into my life,” he states. “ But that wasn’t my intention with you. I thought…”
“ That a widower and a widow would be a good match?”
He grunts amusedly. “ You’re a firecracker. Anyone ever told you that?”
I grimace. “ Thankfully , for their sake, no!”
He smiles again. “ I love a challenge, Rachel , but I hear you, so I will keep my distance. Just know that I didn’t take you out to lure you into my bed. I hoped we could be friends, that you would understand how alone it feels…after they’re gone. How set adrift I felt, and I’m no closer to figuring out the direction I’m supposed to take. I hate the one-night stands and pretending I am fine. Ten damn years, and it still hurts like yesterday. No one understands that it is a lonely way to be.”
My anger sheds away, and I find myself feeling sorry for him. How do I tell him that I don’t feel the same, not the way he does? I feel that way because I pushed the two men I love out of my life because of fear, which is worse than having that someone taken from you by uncontrollable forces. I am the one who ended it. The reason I feel utterly alone is because of my own choices.
Stepping closer, I slide my arms under his and hug him. I can’t say what he wants to hear, nor can I say what I wish I could tell someone, anyone.
“ If you ever want to talk, I am here but don’t ever try to woo me, Bridges . I am not available, and that is never going to change.”
I step back, give him one last look, and walk inside.
“ Goodnight ,” he says as I close and lock the door.
I lean against the door and listen as the engine starts and they leave. Olivia suddenly appears in the hallway naked as the day she was born. Her dark curls are bouncing with her delight. “ I’m ready for my bath!”
I love her so much. “ You better get your butt in the tub, or I’m going to tickle you!” she squeals at the top of her lungs and runs toward the bathroom.
After I catch up with her, I run her bath, and we play for a bit. I leave her for a few minutes while I retrieve my phone from my purse. I sit next to the tub and text Luke .
RACHEL: I miss you.
LUKE: I miss you too.
RACHEL: I miss us.
Three dots come and go. It isn’t fair. I have no right to say something like that to him, but it is the painful truth. Sometimes I just don’t want to pretend it isn’t.
LUKE: If I could, I would take you to my bed and make love to you the way I have wanted all these years.
RACHEL: What happened?
LUKE: Nothing. Like always, nothing happens, whether it’s you or Evan. I get nothing.
I toss the phone on the bathroom rug and look at my beautiful little girl. Tears obscure my vision, but she is playing happily. I wish I could pick up the phone and tell Luke everything he wants to hear from me. I feel the exact same way, but then Bridges reminds me how the rumors never die. Whether I like it or not, people are watching me and Luke . I just want Luke to be left alone. While I had hoped Evan would finally give in to his feelings for him, I take it that isn’t happening. Evan and I are the sole reason Luke’s heart stays broken, and I hate it. I hate what I’m doing to him, even if it is to protect both him and Olivia .
Suddenly Olivia wraps her wet arms around my neck. “ Don’t cry, Mommy . Did that man make you cry?”
I hug her back. “ No baby. I’m missing your Luke .”
She hums sadly. “ I miss him too. Can you call him and tell him to come home?”
I kiss her wet face. “ He needed to see Uncle Evan . He will be home soon.” I help her sit back into the water. “ Let’s finish up and get you into bed.”