Chapter 36
Although Hannah knew she couldn’t spend the rest of the cruise hiding in the art gallery, she had no idea how she was going to navigate her way through the remainder of the trip.
She’d boomeranged from thinking of Ian as someone who had let her down badly enough to wipe him from her life, to checking her phone with increasing regularity to make sure she hadn’t missed a call from him. It was making her head spin.
The spinning only increased when she thought about Louis and tried to work out how she truly felt about him.
Was it nothing more than a moment in time, as Ruth had suggested?
Had she been swept up by his uniform and his deliciously sparkly eyes; had her inhibitions fled purely because he was gorgeous and fun and sexy as hell – or did she feel a deeper connection with him?
Had she done the classic rebound with the nearest attractive and available man? Or did Louis mean more? Maybe the real question was, could he mean more to her than Ian?
She’d thought the answer to that question was an easy yes.
Louis hadn’t let her down, hadn’t slept with another woman right before their wedding, hadn’t tried to hide it and make her feel as though she was overreacting when the truth had emerged.
Louis had been nothing but straightforward; he had coaxed her from her unhappy shell, brought her out into the light again.
Made her feel far more than the sum of her broken parts.
And yet there were a handful of days left on the Ballygowan, after which Hannah would be heading home, back to her real life.
She’d be back to working in the deli, making up her extended absence to her little brother by taking him to the park to hunt for dinosaurs, unpacking into her room in the family home as though the trip to the Caribbean had been a particularly good dream.
Should she consider trying again with Ian? Wiping the slate clean and going again? Tell her mum the dress that had hung in the wardrobe for months could get its moment in the sun after all?
Her phone trilled, shaking her out of her thoughts as she answered.
‘Hi, Ian – how are you feeling?’
‘They’ve just poured a load of painkillers down my throat, so I thought I’d phone before I fall asleep.’
‘What’s the time with you?’
‘Nearly ten o’clock, I think. Not that it makes much difference whether it’s day or night in here; it’s always noisy. Just with fewer lights on.’
He sounded flat, as though the novelty of his crisis had worn away to leave the reality of the rehab he was facing.
It pulled at Hannah’s heartstrings. It reminded her of his knee injury and the way he’d relied on her then, how he’d told her he couldn’t have coped with the news he’d never play rugby again without her by his side.
‘I’ll be home soon,’ she found herself saying.
A moment passed in which Hannah could hear Ian’s breathing intensify, then something that sounded unnervingly like a sob.
‘Will you visit me?’ he said.
Hannah swallowed, aware she was muddying waters that were already full of confusion.
‘Yes, Ian. I will. And perhaps we should talk about everything else then, too. See if we can get back to a better place.’
‘Get back together, you mean?’ His voice cracked. It took him a moment to recover before he added, ‘Sorry. Ignore me – I think the drugs are kicking in. I don’t want to put pressure on you. But I would love it if we could talk. Sort it out properly.’
Hannah nodded. ‘I’d like that too.’
‘I haven’t ever stopped loving you, you know?’ he said and Hannah felt tears pricking at the corners of her eyes.
‘We’ll talk properly once I’m home, Ian.’
They ended the call and Hannah checked her watch.
The day had fled past, evening beginning to wrap its darkening skies around the ship, and Hannah washed brushes, then packed away paints and equipment before she left the gallery.
She hadn’t heard from Ruth all day – assumed she and Teddy had made the most of their time on the island.
She’d had a brief text from Louis, suggesting they meet for dinner – an idea that twenty-four hours ago would have filled her with excitement.
But now the prospect felt far more complicated.
Showered and dressed and on time, Hannah was shown to a table in the Vivaldi. She ordered a drink and stared out at the ocean, an expanse of rolling ink in the dying rays of the sun. She toyed with her glass, accepting the offer of a bowl of olives while she waited, her mind in turmoil.
When Louis arrived, he was in uniform, but casual in shirtsleeves, rather than a jacket.
A navy ribbed sweater hung around his shoulders, a bunch of carefully wrapped flowers in one hand.
He worked his way to their table, greeting and chatting and smiling as he moved across the flooring and Hannah tipped her face to his as he leant to kiss her cheek.
‘I’m sorry I’m late,’ he said.
The day had been well spent, even if he hadn’t been able to spend it with Hannah. Maria’s intervention had been timely, and although he wouldn’t admit it to anybody, Louis realised he might have been coasting. Not a great move in his first sailing as captain.
After ensuring routine checks were completely up to date, he’d welcomed Blue Line Cruising royalty to the bridge – the owner’s cousin and her husband had been given top-notch treatment, ending the tour by meeting Portus, who stalked into view at the appropriate moment.
Louis had spent all day on the bridge, staying to see every rotation of crew. It was more than Captain Crowther ever did, but Crowther had been captaining for decades, not weeks, and there was nothing to be gained from making comparisons. Louis still had everything to prove.
By the time he was due to meet Hannah for dinner, Louis felt he’d covered every base.
He was sure he’d mitigated any complaints Tim Price could possibly muster against him.
It was time to relax and enjoy the evening.
He slipped into the florist on his way to what he hoped would be the perfect end to a very productive day.
Her greeting was warm, if a little stilted. She took the flowers, told him how beautiful they were as Louis took his seat, then set them down so she could take a large mouthful of wine.
‘How was your day?’ he said. ‘I’m sorry I was caught up on the bridge.’
Maria’s words echoed around his head – if he and Hannah were going to make something more out of what they’d started, they would both have to learn to cope with the other’s lifestyle. The magic of Christmas aboard the Ballygowan couldn’t last forever.
‘I spent most of it in the gallery, actually,’ she said.
‘You didn’t go ashore?’ The fact she hadn’t visited St Vincent hit him like a spray of liquid guilt.
‘No. April was there, and we chatted for a while. She says she’s retiring when the season ends.’
‘I believe so. She’s been with the Ballygowan longer than I have. It’ll be sad to say goodbye to her.’
Hannah frowned, twisting her glass by its stem between her thumb and fingers. ‘Also, I had some news. About Ian, actually.’
‘Oh?’
Chatting about Hannah’s ex-fiancé wasn’t what Louis had had in mind for this evening. He’d been thinking more about discussing next steps, how to stay in meaningful contact once the cruise ended – how to take things forward between the two of them.
‘He was in a car accident – a bad one. He needed surgery to sort out a broken leg, and he’s got a cracked shoulder and damaged ribs. I phoned him.’
Hannah glanced up from her glass, held his gaze, her expression difficult to read.
‘Will he make a full recovery?’ Louis said, aware it sounded starchy and formal, but unsure how Hannah was expecting him to respond.
‘You don’t mind?’ she said.
‘Why would I mind you showing concern for someone you cared about for so long? It’s not up to me to tell you who you can and can’t phone, is it?’
‘No. I suppose not.’ She smiled. It was a thin version of the smiles Louis had grown used to, but Hannah’s intense gaze remained.
‘You look like you have the weight of the world stacked on your shoulders tonight, Hannah. I’m glad he’s going to be all right, but to be honest, I’d rather talk about other things.’
‘I suppose,’ she said.
Not the ringing endorsement he had hoped for. Hannah stared at him, then sighed.
‘It hit me hard, hearing him like that. That’s all,’ she said.
It was Louis’ turn to frown.
‘It’s not going to be plain sailing, getting over the end of such an important relationship. I do understand,’ he said, wondering if he really did, or whether he’d been guilty of hoping the bloke might just evaporate.
‘It’s such a mess,’ she said as she reached again for her wine. ‘And it’s my fault for not dealing with any of it properly.’
‘Nobody knows how to do this stuff, Hannah. The bloke cheated on you, but that doesn’t mean you won’t still have feelings for him, or about him, running around your mind.
It will take time for you to deal with all of that – but it’s not unconnected to what I wanted to talk about this evening. What comes next, for us…’
Hannah shook her head, drained her glass and set down the glass. ‘I’m not sure I’m up to this tonight, Louis. I’m sorry.’
‘Do you want to eat, then, or…’
Hannah drew in a long breath, then frowned. ‘Actually, I think maybe I should just head to my cabin and call it a day. Do you mind?’
‘Well, yes, of course I mind…’ Louis was about to clarify the meaning behind his words, that he was worried about her, and them, and how the interjection of her past into their present was throwing everything off kilter, but Hannah’s frown intensified as she stood.
‘The last thing I need right now is someone forcing me to eat a dinner I don’t even want. Your crew might have to do what you say, but I don’t. Who do you think you are?’
The intensity of her sudden fury had him reeling.
‘No – all I meant was that I—’
‘Maybe Ruth was right after all. Maybe I have been too hasty with everything…’
Louis stood as Hannah glanced at the flowers and left them on the table, a final apology swirling in the air as she grabbed at the wrap on the back of her chair and left the restaurant.
Louis retook his seat, aware of the waitstaff and the sommelier staring, the rest of the restaurant guests whispering. How had the situation gone from fine to Defcon 5? And what did Ruth have to do with it?
Eventually, once the other diners had the decency to continue with their proper conversations, cutlery chinking against chinaware as meals were resumed, and the staff had found things to do that didn’t involve staring at Louis, he stood and left too.