Chapter Five
Five
We squirrelled our clothes away when we got back from the bar and stashed both suitcases under the bed, exploring all the nooks and crannies the cabin had to offer to see what we could fit where.
The room was impressively space-efficient considering its size, with hooks on all the doors and secret storage everywhere.
Brooke had said there was a chance a bigger cabin might ‘come up’ but I couldn’t see how if all the guests had already checked in.
If there weren’t any spare rooms now, then there weren’t going to be, unless there was an unexpected Man Overboard situation, which seemed a bit extreme to hope for.
I didn’t mind some short-term inconvenience and discomfort for the greater good, but Heidi was going to be a challenge.
We’d have to find some workarounds to make it bearable for her.
Maybe we could pop an ‘Out of Order’ sign on the ladies’ loos and commandeer them to get ready in.
Esmeralda would be dropping anchor in the Azores, Madeira, and Lisbon, so we could book into a hotel on those nights, unless Thiago had to count us back onto the boat each night.
Brooke had set up a group chat to connect us all and named it ‘Life’s a Pitch’.
Hilarious. Her original suggestion had been ‘You better work, Pitch’ in honour of Britney, but the rest of us weren’t keen.
A message flashed up to say she’d be waiting on the Sun Deck once we’d finished freshening up.
Our ‘air conditioning’ was an angry fan clunking in the corner, and I was feeling anything but fresh as Heidi and I squeezed around each other in our rush to get ready, both desperate to get outside.
‘Ready to go?’ Heidi asked.
‘Yup. Tits and teeth,’ I replied, with big eyes and a winning smile. We do-si-do-ed the door to leave the cabin, just as Leo and Zach were slamming theirs shut.
‘The first summoning,’ Zach said, with a wry smile.
‘Seems that way,’ Heidi replied, po-faced. She obviously didn’t want to waste her tits and teeth on him.
Leo was carrying an open laptop, as if he was working on the go, and I hadn’t even brought a notepad. I’d been expecting a ‘welcome drinks’ kind of vibe and only had my lipstick and phone.
‘May the best women win,’ I called, as they walked ahead.
‘We’ll see about that,’ Leo shot back. ‘You might want to start putting the feelers out on LinkedIn. What’s that flag they have again, Zach?’
‘Open to work,’ he said.
‘You’d know,’ Heidi quipped as she strode after them. ‘You’ve used it often enough.’
‘Still stalking my social media after all these years, eh? You need to move on, Heidi.’
The Sun Deck didn’t look like any deck I’d ever seen before. It was more like a glamorous rooftop bar, with its white tables and rattan chairs covered in floppy, green cushions. Brooke was already on the bubbles when we walked in, sat on a sofa-swing, looking chic in lilac silk.
‘There y’all are. What took ya so long?’ Her dress billowed in the breeze as she rocked to and fro, with both bikini straps on show.
‘Sorry to keep you waiting, Brooke,’ Leo said, swooping in for an entirely unnecessary double kiss and making it awkward for the rest of us. Should we line up and take it in turns to kiss her hand and curtsy? I decided a quick wave would suffice and Heidi followed suit.
‘Hiiii! Wow!!! Look at this place,’ I breathed. ‘It’s beautiful!’
‘Isn’t it just?’ Brooke turned her face up to the sun.
‘It shouldn’t even need PR,’ Heidi added, laying it on thick.
‘Oh, but it does me darlin.’ Uh-oh. She’d walked straight into that one. ‘The Cool Cruisers campaign just ain’t workin’ for the young ones.’
Zach guffawed under his breath. We’d been running Cool Cruisers with top-performing influencers for the past three years, and it absolutely was working, but it was difficult to challenge her without looking defensive.
The campaign followed couples who shared their holiday stories to demonstrate how cruising the Excalibur way was far superior to anything else.
OAPs being treated like royalty, forty-somethings celebrating birthdays and partying like it was 1999, and adventure-seekers wanting to visit maximum countries in minimum time.
It showed the full spectrum of customers and meant people could always see themselves as the target audience.
It wasn’t just for the newly wed, overfed and nearly dead.
‘Excuse me?’ Brooke clicked her fingers at a passing waiter. ‘Can you pour my friends some champagne too, please?’
‘Not for me, thanks,’ Leo piped up. ‘I’ll take a water.’ Oh no. He was one of those.
‘Two waters, as well, please,’ she said, pivoting easily, and the waiter strode off. ‘Are you low or no alcohol?’
‘Neither,’ Leo said, eyes sparkling. ‘But if I start on the champagne now, I’ll be asleep before dinner.’
A cruising four-ball meandered past us, squealing with laughter as they carried an ice bucket and two pints to the sunny side of the deck.
The women looked glamorous, yet full of mischief and the men were cracking jokes, their neatly parted hair thick with gel.
It felt strange to watch someone else’s holiday from the sidelines.
Being on a cruise with people I’d never normally hang out with, or eat with, or sit next to in a swimming costume.
My inner voice told me to relax as I inhaled the salty sea air and the smell of coconut sun cream.
But I couldn’t. I had to stay on guard. Amplify were the enemy, no matter how friendly and casual Leo tried to play it.
I’d fallen for his tricks once before, and I’d be damned if I let it happen again.
‘OK, ladies and gents. We are gathered here today to witness the…’ Brooke laughed. ‘No. Let’s get serious. I want to talk you through how the next two weeks are gonna go. It’s important you have a good time on the Esmeralda, without having too much of a good time, if you know what I mean.’
I didn’t know what she meant. And from Heidi’s face, I could see she had no idea either.
Was she implying we’d be getting boozed up and playing naked Twister with the guests?
Throwing up over the sides? What was her version of too much?
I daren’t mention the cabins again, but the thought of any jiggy stuff happening in those bunk beds was ludicrous.
‘You are completely free to explore the boat and enjoy the Excalibur Experience in whatever way you please,’ she said, which was music to my ears.
Heidi and I could indulge ourselves without worrying about having to entertain Brooke or hang out with Leo and Zach.
‘And we’ll have dinner together in the evening to touch base.
I’ve already booked us onto the captain’s table for Friday night. ’
‘That’s incredibly kind,’ Heidi gushed.
‘So kind,’ Zach echoed and she gave him a look. ‘Almost too kind,’ he said, innocently.
‘But we wouldn’t expect you to host us every single night,’ she continued, wrapping up rejection in concern for Brooke’s time. Heidi didn’t fancy fourteen client all-nighters in a row, and neither did I.
‘What an honour,’ Leo interjected. ‘We’ll be there with bells on, won’t we, Zach?’
Zach gave a fractional nod and mustered a smile.
‘As will we,’ I said, quickly matching him. ‘Thank you for the invitation.’
‘If you’re sure you don’t mind,’ Heidi added, trying to course-correct.
‘Not at all, honey. It’s already arranged. We’ll have other guests with us as well, to give us all chance to get the inside track.’
‘Great idea,’ Leo said, sipping his water. ‘Insights in real time.’
‘Then in addition to dinner, there are one or two activities we’ve arranged,’ Brooke said, with a glint in her eye.
Zach frowned. ‘What kind of activities?’
‘Dahlia, who you met last night, has put a fantastic schedule together, to make sure you maximise your time here and see a variety of entertainment. The ship is so big, it’s easy to miss out if you’re not careful.’
As if on cue, Dahlia bounded over, her big curls bouncing around her gold hoop earrings. She was in a sporty version of the Excalibur uniform: a mint green sports bra and matching joggers with the tiny sword logo gleaming gold.
‘Hey there, VIPs,’ she sang, full of enthusiastic pep. ‘Fancy running into you guys again!’
‘Dahlia, honey, tell these good people what you’ve got in store for them, will you?’
‘Sure thing,’ she said, referring to her clipboard. ‘Each day there will be cruise ship entertainment for you to get involved with. Does anyone have any aversion to anything? Any dodgy knees? Allergies? Foods you can’t eat?’
We collectively shook our heads. Although I wasn’t a fan of mushrooms. Or snakes.
‘Here is a map of the ship, along with your timetable,’ she said, handing us each two sheets of paper. ‘We’ll start tomorrow morning with aqua aerobics after breakfast.’
Bloody hell. No rest for the wicked. I scanned through the schedule, and it was gruelling.
Water polo, drag cabaret, swimming with dolphins, salsa classes, karaoke…
the list went on. And worse than that, all four of us were down to do everything together.
If we stuck to this schedule, we’d be stuck with the Amplify bros day and night.
I could see Zach having the exact same thought and he nudged Leo.
‘This is incredibly thoughtful,’ Leo said, smiling slowly. ‘It’s rare to get such a thorough induction.’
‘You’re so welcome,’ Dahlia said. ‘You guys are in for a lot of fun.’
‘But wouldn’t it make more sense,’ he said, pretending to think, ‘for the agencies to do the activities on different days? That way we can throw ourselves into it without qualms.’
Dahlia looked between us, confused. ‘What’s the difference?’
‘Without the pressure of the other team watching?’ He flashed me a smile. ‘No offence.’