107 - Hate
Mariana's head hurt. Not because of magic. Not because of the collapsing world. No, her head hurt because of herself.
She sat in the library long after their conversation should have ended, staring blankly at a page she hadn't read once. Outside, the afternoon sunlight painted warm patterns across the carpet. Inside, her thoughts were busy trying to kill each other.
This is ridiculous... absolutely ridiculous...
A normal person wouldn't be struggling like this. A normal person would've already made a decision. Instead, Mariana found herself trapped in a mental argument that had somehow lasted three entire days.
One side of her crossed its arms and pointed accusingly.
Zafiel is dangerous.
The other side immediately raised a hand.
Counterargument: he cooks breakfast.
The first side looked offended.
That doesn't matter...!
Counterargument: he remembers your favorite tea.
That still doesn't matter...!!
Counterargument: he hasn't actually hurt anyone for fun.
Mariana groaned and buried her face in a book. "Stop defending him..."
Unfortunately, the traitorous part of her refused to listen. Because it wasn't entirely wrong. Zafiel was terrifying. He was possessive. Obsessive. Entirely too willing to threaten people.
And yet, he never seemed to enjoy cruelty. He never hurt others because it amused him. Every terrible thing he did seemed connected to protection. Protection of her. Protection of the empire. Protection of something.
That didn't make his actions acceptable. But it made them harder to dismiss. Harder to hate. And that was the problem. Because hating him would've been easier. Far easier.
Mariana groaned again. "I'm leaving this palace."
The declaration sounded firm. Confident. Resolute. Then something inside her chest stung. The sensation was immediate. Sharp. Small. Yet somehow enough to make her pause.
"..." Mariana frowned.
Why did that hurt...?
The moment she imagined actually leaving, something deep inside her chest tightened painfully. As though she had just thought about abandoning something important.
No, someone important-
Her face immediately heated. "No."
Absolutely not, no...!!
She stood abruptly, the chair nearly tipped over. "I'm leaving."
This time she marched directly toward the library doors. She ignored the nervous servants. Ignored the confused librarian. Ignored everything. Her feet carried her through the palace hallways. Past knights. Past maids. Past expensive paintings.
Until eventually, the doors of Zafiel's study appeared before her. Good. Perfect. Wonderful. Because this was entirely his fault somehow. She didn't know how. But it was.
The doors opened. Mariana marched inside and immediately found Zafiel looking up from a mountain of paperwork.
He blinked, then smiled. That smile alone almost derailed her entire speech... almost. "Iana."
"No!"
The smile widened. His eyes softened.
Mariana hated that. She hated how happy he looked merely because she entered a room. She hated how warm her chest felt seeing it. Most importantly, she hated that she noticed.
"I want to leave." The words came out sharper than intended.
Silence settled. Zafiel simply looked at her. Neither spoke.
Then Mariana noticed something strange. The manalith restraints. Nothing appeared. No chains. No glowing bindings. Nothing. The realization arrived immediately.
And judging from the look on Zafiel's face, he noticed too. "Oh." His smile became unbearably smug. Mariana instantly knew she was about to suffer. "Iana."
"No."
"The chains didn't appear."
Her face exploded red. "N-No."
"They usually appear whenever you genuinely intend to leave."
"No."
"They didn't appear this time."
"NO."
The smugness somehow increased. That shouldn't have been possible yet it happened. Mariana wanted to launch herself out a window.
"You didn't truly want to leave."
"I DID."
"The manalith disagrees."
"The manalith can shut up!"
"It doesn't talk."
"You know what I mean...!!"
His shoulders shook slightly. The bastard was trying not to laugh.
Mariana pointed accusingly. "I hate you." The words came out immediately.
Zafiel blinked then smiled. That only made her angrier. "No."
"Yes."
"No, you don't."
"YES, I DO...!!"
His expression became almost unbearably certain. "Iana."
"I hate your smugness." A pause. "I hate your certainty." Another pause. "I hate your weird methods." A third pause. "I hate everything about you...!"
Silence followed.
Mariana's chest rose and fell rapidly. Meanwhile Zafiel simply stared. Not angry. Not hurt. Just watching like someone observing a very emotional kitten.
That somehow made everything worse. Her hand lifted instinctively.
Maybe I should slap him. Maybe just once. Maybe he deserves it... a little. Just a tiny bit...?
The moment her hand moved, Zafiel caught her wrist. Not painfully. Not forcefully. Effortlessly. Mariana froze.
And before she could react, the world shifted. Suddenly she was against his chest, strong arms wrapped around her. Warmth surrounded her. A familiar scent. Comfort. Safety.
The realization arrived a second later. Zafiel had pulled her into a hug. Mariana opened her mouth. Prepared to protest. Prepared to yell. Prepared to complain.
Instead, without thinking, she nuzzled against his chest. The movement happened automatically. Pure instinct. The second she realized what she'd done, her soul attempted to leave her body.
No, no, no, no, absolutely not...! Why?! Why do I keep doing that...?!
Unfortunately, her body had already betrayed her... again.
Zafiel visibly froze. His arms tightened slightly. Not enough to trap her but just enough to hold her closer. And the truly horrible part? Mariana liked it. The warmth. The steadiness. The feeling of someone holding her like she mattered.
She hated that she liked it. Hated it. Despised it. Wanted it erased from existence. But she couldn't deny it. So she did the next best thing.
She pretended nothing happened. Neither mentioned the nuzzling for different reasons. Mariana because she wanted to survive. Zafiel because he probably wanted to treasure the memory forever.
Eventually Mariana sighed. The anger drained away. Or perhaps exhaustion replaced it. Either way, her forehead rested lightly against his chest.
"Just tell me." The words emerged quietly. Zafiel stiffened. Mariana continued. "Tell me everything."
Silence. A dangerous silence. The kind that changed things.
Her fingers curled against his shirt. "I can handle it."
His breathing became uneven. "Iana-"
"I crossed worlds." Her voice remained quiet, steady. "I became an Archmage... and a Saintess. And apparently gods know my name." Her grip tightened slightly. "How much worse can it be...?"
Zafiel said nothing. Mariana lifted her gaze, looking directly at him.
"I already got information from Sadia." His eyes narrowed slightly. Not at her, at the thought. Still, she continued. "So stop treating me like I'll break." The words hit harder than intended.
Because she saw it immediately-pain. A brief flicker gone almost instantly. But she saw it. And suddenly, Zafiel's breath shook. Not dramatically. Not visibly enough for most people but Mariana noticed.
The man holding her looked tired, so impossibly tired. Then his arms tightened. Tighter. As though she might disappear. As though someone might steal her away. As though the world itself might take her from him.
And perhaps, in his mind, it already was. When he finally spoke, his voice sounded raw. Honest, dangerously honest.
"I'd rather lock you away." Mariana froze. His eyes never left hers. "I'd rather imprison you."
The words should have frightened her. Yet somehow, the anguish behind them frightened her more.
"I'd rather have you hate me." A pause. "I'd rather become a monster." His arms trembled slightly. "Than see even a single cut on your skin."
Silence. Complete silence.
The afternoon sunlight seemed distant. The world seemed distant. Everything felt distant except him. And for the first time, Mariana understood something. Not fully. Not completely. But enough.
Zafiel wasn't protecting her because he thought she was weak. He wasn't keeping her here because he wanted control. At least, not entirely.
No, the truth was much worse. Much sadder. Much more terrifying.
He genuinely believed losing her would destroy him. And judging from the way he held her, the possibility haunted him every second of every day.
Mariana's heart ached unexpectedly.
Because suddenly, she wasn't looking at the Crown Prince. She wasn't looking at the terrifying yandere. She wasn't looking at the strongest swordsman in the empire. She was looking at a man who looked utterly terrified.
Terrified of a future where she wasn't there. And for the first time, Mariana found herself unable to tell him that he was wrong.