Chapter 48 Facing Fears and Feelings
Esmeralda pressed both hands against her cheeks.
They were warm.
No-
They were burning.
"...This is not happening."
Her voice came out in a strained whisper as she stared at her reflection, as if the girl looking back at her might deny everything that had occurred the night before.
The girl in the mirror looked just as flustered.
"...Pull yourself together."
She dragged in a breath.
Though it did nothing.
Because the moment she closed her eyes-
It came rushing back.
The palace halls. The quiet hush of night that made every sound feel louder than it should have been.
His footsteps behind her.
His breath against her nape.
Her consciousness wavered again just remembering it.
Maybe I'm just flustered because of the book?
Her shoulders tensed, as if she could still feel the proximity-that closeness that had left no room for escape.
Yeah... it's probably that.
Damn you, smut romance novels.
She thought as her cheeks remained flushed.
She shook her head quickly, stepping back from the mirror as if it had accused her of something she refused to admit.
"What are you looking at?" she asked her reflection.
"Oh, I'm just thinking how someone's trying to deny her own feelings," she replied to herself.
"What do you mean deny my own feelings? I'm just being rational."
"Are you being rational? Or are you scared of falling for the same guy who never even looked at you directly before?"
She groaned and stopped talking to herself.
This is crazy.
Esmeralda had already lived through this once.
She had loved Rael blindly-so much so that no matter how distant he felt, she would always act like a fool.
His cold personality.
His empty stares.
His distant touch.
She flopped onto her bed face down, letting out a longer groan this time.
"...Why... why now, Esmeralda..."she said, rolling over to face the ceiling.
Her hand slowly lifted, pressing against her chest.
She had convinced herself that she was over her feelings for Rael.
In fact, she had convinced herself well enough.
But every time she felt like she absolutely did not care anymore, he would start pulling her right back in.
Her thoughts were disturbed by a soft knock on the door.
"My lady?"
Esmeralda startled slightly, turning too quickly.
"...Come in."
Belle stepped inside, her gaze immediately catching the flushed state of her lady.
She paused, eyes narrowing ever so slightly.
"...Are you unwell?"
"No." She answered in a quick and firm voice.
Belle raised a brow.
"...His Highness is here to call on you again."
Silence.
"...Again?"
Esmeralda echoed faintly, as if the word itself didn't quite register.
Belle nodded.
"...This is the sixth time."
"...Six-?!"
Her voice cracked.
Belle continued, mercilessly calm.
"He has requested an audience every morning. And yesterday afternoon."
A pause.
"...And right at this very moment as well."
Esmeralda slowly sat down.
"...I see."
Six times he had come looking for her.
Five times she had refused.
"...I can't face him," she said firmly.
Because she knew-
The moment she did-
Her heart would betray her.
It always did.
Every time she remembered his voice-
It lingered longer than it should.
Every time she recalled his gaze-
It unsettled her.
Every time she imagined standing before him again-
Her chest tightened.
Her breath faltered.
Her thoughts scattered-
"...Tell him I am very, very unwell. I might be suffering from something incurable. Oh! Tell him I have tuberculosis and cannot see him for the next six months."
She stuttered.
Belle tilted her head.
"...Are you avoiding His Highness, my lady?"
Esmeralda froze.
"No-pff... me? Avoid? Not at all!"
"...You are being obvious, my lady."
"...Really?"
Belle nodded.
Esmeralda sighed.
"Sorry you had to serve someone like me, Belle."
"You can tell me anything, my lady, like you always have," Belle said, holding Esmeralda's hand.
Esmeralda inhaled, looking at Belle fearlessly.
"Tell me honestly, Belle, isn't it awful if you catch the same feelings for someone you swore you'd never even think about again? Like, isn't that just eating your own words!?"
Belle giggled softly.
"My lady, before, all you could think about was His Highness-to the point that every lady who ever approached him, you'd immediately start a fight with."
"Right!? I was so stupid back then! Like, can you even imagine picking a fight over some puppy love!?"
Belle smiled at her.
"But no matter how much you loved His Highness, you were never cruel to the people you cared about. Always thoughtful, always kind, and always smiling brightly at the people in this household. That's why we have always supported your love for His Highness, my lady."
"But I don't want to become the villain again, hurting others just because I've fallen for the same person who once brought out the worst in me."
"My lady," Belle giggled, "His Highness is your fiancé. If some lady suddenly started liking my husband, I'd definitely lash out too."
Silence followed.
"The point is, my lady, it is a natural reaction because you love that person. I can be the villainess in anyone's book for all I care-as long as my husband sees me as his protagonist, then nothing else in the world would matter."
Esmeralda lost her ability to speak. For once, she had no clever retort.
"...What if," she began slowly, her voice quieter now, stripped of its usual sharpness, "what if I'm not even supposed to be in his story?"
"My lady?" Belle blinked.
"What if," Esmeralda continued, lowering her gaze, "I was never meant to be anything more than... the villainess in his life?"
The room fell still.
Belle's grip on her hand tightened just slightly.
"My lady, His Highness has shown you his heart all this time. I may only be watching from the side, but I know when I see someone who looks at the person they love."
"His Highness... loves me? Rael... loves me?"
Belle blinked, dumbfounded.
Then she laughed.
"I'm sorry, my lady," Belle continued to giggle, "but was his confession not enough for you?" she asked, referring to the night Rael sneaked into her room.
"Wait-You heard that!?"
"My lady, the moment you sit up on your bed, the maid's bell rings loudly enough that no one can ignore it."
Esmeralda blushed, remembering his confession.
"I did not want to disturb you and His Highness, who were improperly meeting in the middle of the night, so I stayed just outside your room in case you needed me... and ended up hearing everything."
"Belle!!" Esmeralda shouted in embarrassment.
Belle giggled.
"My lady, if you are not ready to face him, I can always tell His Highness to leave."
Her grip tightened slightly.
"But will that really be okay for you? Are you sure you won't regret it?"
Esmeralda couldn't say no.
Her vision blurred slightly.
"...I'm scared."
"I know." Belle caressed her hand.
"...What if he doesn't mean it?"
"Then you'll find out."
"...What if he-"
Belle's smile turned just a little playful again.
"My lady-" she said, holding Esmeralda's shoulders.
"If you go see him now, then at least you won't have any regrets."
She smiled warmly.
"And wouldn't it be better to die a villainess with no regrets than to live as a heroine burdened by regrets?"
...
Esmeralda finally let out a laugh.
She found it humorous that Belle was referencing the book unknowingly.
"...Belle."
"Yes, my lady?"
A small pause.
Then-
"...Can you fix my hair?"
Belle's eyes lit up.
"Right away."
---
The doors to the guest room opened, revealing Rael standing by the window.
"Esme..." His smile stretched as he looked at the most beautiful woman in his world.
Esmeralda stilled for a moment.
She let out a short breath and returned his smile.
"Have you been waiting long, Your Highness?"