Chapter 13 Push Away #2
He had survived six years of nightmares.
He had survived losing his crew.
But surviving had taught him the wrong lesson.
It had taught him that everything he loved could be taken.
And if that was true, then the only way to keep Nico alive was to make sure Nico never had to lose him.
Gideon reached for the phone.
He opened their conversation.
His fingers moved over the keyboard.
I'm leaving.
He stared at the words.
Then he deleted them.
He tried again.
You deserve someone who doesn't bring danger into your life.
Deleted.
Finally, he wrote nothing.
He set the phone aside and closed the duffel bag.
The room was silent.
Across the city, Nico was probably sleeping.
Gideon hoped he was.
He hoped Nico was safe.
He hoped Nico would hate him enough to move on.
That last thought hurt more than anything else.
Gideon had spent years believing the hardest part of losing someone was surviving afterward.
Now he understood there was something worse.
Choosing to leave before they had the chance to stay.
And as he sat alone in the dark, Gideon began preparing himself to do exactly that.
Don't Decide for Me
Nico did not go to the firehouse looking for an apology.
He had spent most of the night thinking about Gideon's words, turning them over until their meaning became impossible to ignore.
You need to stay away from me.
It's what needs to happen.
The first sentence had hurt.
The second had made him angry.
Not because Gideon was afraid. Nico understood fear better than Gideon probably realized.
He understood what it meant to look at something important and imagine every possible way it could be destroyed.
He understood why a man who had already lost people might become terrified of losing someone again.
What Nico refused to accept was Gideon's conclusion.
Fear did not give Gideon ownership over Nico's life.
Nico crossed the street just after ten the next morning.
The firehouse doors were open, and Gideon was standing near one of the engines. He was checking equipment with the same concentration he had shown the previous day.
Nico stopped several feet away.
"Gideon."
Gideon looked over.
Something changed in his expression when he saw Nico.
For one brief moment, relief appeared.
Then the walls came back.
"You shouldn't be here."
Nico almost smiled.
"That's becoming your favorite sentence."
Gideon put down the equipment he was holding.
"We already talked about this."
"No. You talked. I listened."
Gideon's jaw tightened.
Nico walked closer but stopped before entering Gideon's personal space.
"I didn't come here to convince you to stay with me."
That caught Gideon off guard.
He stared at Nico.
"I came to tell you something."
Gideon waited.
"You don't get to decide this for me."
Silence settled between them.
Gideon looked away.
"Nico, you don't understand what you're stepping into."
"Then tell me."
"I can't."
"Because you don't know?"
"Because I know enough."
Nico nodded slowly.
"That's what I thought."
Gideon frowned.
"You thought what?"
"That you were scared."
Gideon's face hardened.
"I'm not scared."
"You are."
"Nico."
"You don't have to be ashamed of it."
Gideon turned away.
Nico watched his shoulders rise and fall.
"I know what happened to you," Nico said. "Not every detail. I don't need every detail. But I know what the warehouse did to you."
Gideon remained silent.
"I know you think the worst thing you can do is let someone get close enough to be hurt because of you."
Gideon's hands tightened.
"You don't know that."
"I do."
"How?"
"Because you're not trying to leave me."
Gideon turned.
Nico held his gaze.
"You're trying to save me from something that hasn't happened."
The words landed harder than Nico intended.
Gideon looked as though he had been struck.
"People died because of what happened to me."
"Yes."
"I survived."
"Yes."
"I went back inside."
"I know."
"I couldn't save Marcus."
"I know."
Gideon's breathing became uneven.
"And now someone connected to that fire knows we're looking."
Nico nodded.
"Yes."
"So you understand."
"I understand why you're afraid."
Gideon stared at him.
"Then why won't you listen?"
"Because understanding your fear doesn't mean surrendering my choices to it."
Gideon said nothing.
Nico took another step forward.
"You keep telling yourself you're protecting me."
"I am."
"No."
The word was quiet.
Gideon's eyes narrowed.
"No?"
"You're protecting yourself."
Gideon recoiled slightly.
Nico continued before he could answer.
"Not because you're selfish. Because you're terrified."
Gideon looked down.
"You think if I leave, I can't be another person you fail to protect. You think if you make me angry enough, hurt enough, or distant enough, then if something happens, you won't have to carry another death."
Gideon's face went pale.
Nico knew he had found the center of it.
"You've already decided how this ends," Nico said.
Gideon swallowed.
"I don't want it to end."
"Then stop acting like the only alternative is losing me."
"I don't know how to do this."
For the first time, Gideon's voice sounded exhausted rather than defensive.
Nico's anger softened, but he did not let it disappear.
"Neither do I."
Gideon looked at him.
"I've never loved someone while knowing there was a possibility that being close to them could put them in danger," Nico continued. "I've never had to decide whether fear was warning me about something real or simply reminding me of something that happened before."
He paused.
"But that's my decision to make."
Gideon shook his head.
"You shouldn't have to make it."
"Why?"
"Because I know what this costs."
"And I know what leaving you would cost me."
Gideon stopped breathing for a moment.
Nico did not move closer.
He wanted Gideon to understand that he was not asking for surrender.
He was asking for honesty.
"I care about you," Nico said. "That's the truth."
Gideon's eyes dropped.
"I care about you enough to understand why you're doing this."
Nico's voice remained steady.
"But I will not let you call abandonment protection."
Gideon closed his eyes.
The word seemed to hurt.
Good.
Not because Nico wanted to hurt him, but because Gideon needed to hear it.
"You think you're protecting my life by deciding what risks I'm allowed to take," Nico said. "But my life belongs to me."
Gideon opened his eyes.
"I decide where I work. I decide who I love. I decide what danger I am willing to face. I decide whether I stay."
"You could get hurt."
"Yes."
"You could die."
Nico held his gaze.
"Yes."
Gideon flinched.
Nico's heart broke at the expression on his face, but he did not take the words back.
"That is the part you don't want to hear," Nico said. "You cannot love someone and guarantee they will never be hurt. You can't stand between me and every dangerous thing in the world."
"I should be able to."
"No."
Gideon looked almost angry.
"I couldn't protect Marcus."
"And that's why you think you have to protect me from everything."
Gideon looked away.
Nico lowered his voice.
"Marcus wasn't a lesson that said you have to control everyone you love."
Gideon stiffened.
"He was a person you lost."
The words settled between them.
Gideon looked toward the open firehouse doors.
"I heard him," he said quietly.
Nico waited.
"That night. I heard him calling."
His voice was rough.
"Everyone was evacuating. We had been ordered out. I knew the structure was unstable. I knew the risk."
He swallowed.
"But I heard him."
Nico did not interrupt.
"I went back because I couldn't leave him."
Gideon's eyes remained fixed on the engine.