Chapter 18 Reclaimed #2
The studio was quiet after the tattoo was finished.
Nico had cleaned the workstation, disposed of the used materials, and covered the fresh tattoo according to his aftercare instructions. The sharp smell of disinfectant had replaced the earlier scent of ink, but Gideon could still feel the work beneath his skin.
Tender.
Warm.
New.
He stood in front of the mirror again.
For years, Gideon had avoided mirrors whenever possible.
He had learned to dress quickly.
He had learned which lights made the scars easier to see.
He had learned how to look at his reflection without really seeing it.
Tonight was different.
He stood there without a shirt, studying the completed design.
The tattoo moved across his scars without pretending they were something else.
Some lines followed the raised tissue.
Some curved around areas where the skin had healed unevenly.
Other sections left deliberate spaces where the scars remained visible.
The result was not perfect.
That was what Gideon liked about it.
Perfect would have felt like another lie.
The scars were still there.
So was the man who had survived them.
Nico approached from behind.
“You’ve been staring at it for a while.”
Gideon smiled faintly.
“I’m getting used to it.”
“Any regrets?”
Gideon turned his head.
“About the tattoo?”
“About any of it.”
Gideon looked back at the mirror.
“No.”
Nico stood beside him.
Their reflections appeared together.
Gideon studied them.
Six months ago, he would not have imagined seeing himself this way.
Not because of the tattoo.
Because of the man standing next to him.
Nico had never looked at Gideon as a damaged person who needed to be repaired.
He had never treated the scars as something shameful.
He had not even tried to make Gideon feel better about them.
He had simply looked.
Really looked.
And somehow, that had been enough to begin changing everything.
“You didn’t erase me,” Gideon said.
Nico looked at him.
“I never wanted to.”
Gideon nodded.
“I know that now.”
He touched the edge of the tattoo.
“I thought you were going to give me a new body.”
Nico smiled.
“I gave you a design.”
Gideon laughed quietly.
“Exactly.”
He looked at his reflection.
“But you gave me something else too.”
“What?”
“A way to see the old one.”
Nico did not answer.
Gideon continued.
“I spent years thinking the man before the fire was gone.”
His voice became quieter.
“The firefighter who joked with his crew. The guy who stayed late because Marcus wanted to finish a card game. The man who used to call his sister just to hear her complain about him.”
Nico smiled.
“You miss him.”
“Every day.”
Gideon looked down.
“I thought missing him meant I had to hate who came after.”
Nico’s expression softened.
“You didn’t.”
“I know.”
Gideon swallowed.
“I just didn’t know how to be him again.”
“You don’t have to be.”
Gideon looked at him.
Nico touched the tattoo lightly.
“You survived. Of course you changed.”
Gideon nodded.
“That’s what I finally understand.”
He looked at the scars.
“I don’t need to become the man I was before the fire.”
“Who do you want to become?”
Gideon considered the question.
For years, he would have answered with something practical.
A better firefighter.
A stronger man.
Someone who never made the same mistake.
Now the answer was different.
“Someone who doesn’t spend every day paying for the fact that he lived.”
Nico’s eyes softened.
Gideon took a breath.
“I want to remember them without punishing myself.”
“Then start.”
Gideon looked at him.
“I can?”
“You can.”
He turned back toward the mirror.
The people he had lost were still there in his memory.
Marcus.
Daniel.
The others.
Faces that had followed him into sleep.
Voices he had carried into every fire.
For the first time, Gideon allowed himself to remember something other than the moment they died.
Marcus laughing.
Marcus complaining about terrible station coffee.
Marcus stealing food from Gideon’s lunch.
Marcus sitting on the hood of the engine after a long call.
Marcus telling him that he needed to stop taking everything so seriously.
The memories hurt.
But the pain was different.
It was grief.
Not guilt.
Gideon closed his eyes.
“I miss them.”
Nico stood beside him.
“I know.”
“I wish they were here.”
“I know.”
“I wish I could tell Marcus that I finally understand.”
Gideon swallowed.
“He wasn’t asking me to die with him.”
Nico remained silent.
“He was asking me to live.”
The realization broke something open inside Gideon.
He covered his face.
For a moment, he thought the tears were coming again.
They did.
But this time, he did not feel ashamed.
He let them fall.
Nico moved closer.
“Do you want me to hold you?”
Gideon nodded.
Nico wrapped his arms around him.
Gideon rested his head against Nico’s shoulder.
“I used to think loving them meant staying miserable.”
Nico held him.
“I thought if I became happy, it meant I had forgotten them.”
“You haven’t.”
“I know.”
Gideon breathed slowly.
“They’re still part of me.”
“Yes.”
“Just not all of me.”
Nico’s hand moved gently over his back.
Gideon closed his eyes.
That sentence felt like freedom.
The people he had lost could remain part of his story without owning the ending.