Chapter 3
Nope,” the big man stood up from where he was sitting beside a pretty twenty-something woman getting work done on her upper arm. “Get out, the answer is no.”
“I haven’t even asked for anything, pal,” Harker said, spreading his arms wide. “Can’t I just come by and see an old friend?”
“No,” the tattoo artist said as he approached.
Harker was right, he was a big’un. He was taller than me, bald, with tattoos covering about every inch of his arms, his neck, and it looked like there were some peeking out from around the back of his head, too.
He had a salt-and-pepper goatee and a scowl on his face that would make lesser men rethink many of their life decisions.
“Harker, you have to leave. I touched up your tattoos, but Papa O-bear said if I gave any more aid and comfort to the enemy, I’d be cut off from home, and I’d lose any support I’ve got from any of the family around here. ”
He was being awfully surreptitious in his word choice, which led me to believe that the client was human.
The girl behind the counter had all the elfin features I’ve come to associate with fairies passing as human, but James had about as much in common with the delicate bone structure of most fae as I do.
He was a lot skinnier than me, but the skin around his neck spoke of someone who’d been a lot bigger in the not-too-distant past. I stepped forward before Harker could…
well, Harker things up too much and start a wave of destruction likely to not only keep us from getting to Fairyland but also would probably level the building.
You know it’s a rough day when I’m the subtle one in any party.
“Hey, cousin. I’m Bubba. Quincy here tells me we’ve got some people in common.”
That froze the big man in his tracks. He almost skidded to a stop, and his hand started to drift around to the small of his back.
I know that’s where I carry my backup pistol, so I made sure to keep both my hands empty and in plain sight as I said, “Stay cool, man. I need your help. Not Harker. Me. And I promise, I’m family. O-Bear is my grandpa, too.”
My newfound cousin gave me a steady look. “Then why haven’t I ever seen you at any of the family reunions?”
“Oh, that’s on account of my granny being Papa O-Bear’s first wife.
You know, the really mean one. Nothing like your grandma, who as I recall form the one time we met was sweet as pie.
” I kept a smile pasted across my face while I lied through my teeth.
I’ve met Titania before, and “sweet” was not a word I’d use to describe her.
James looked at the girl behind the counter. “Blossom, you ever hear tell of Papa O-Bear having any kids with his first wife?”
The fairy girl kept looking back and forth between me and my cousin, probably trying to decide who wore the tattoos better.
It was James. Mine were pretty good, but some of his were downright spectacular.
I wondered if he did them himself or got a buddy to do ‘em. I figured the ones on his right arm were somebody else’s work, and I couldn’t imagine tattooing myself, what with the friggin’ pain and all, but I knew a lot of artists did.
Finally, the blond girl spoke. “Yes, I have heard of a P—previous marriage, and a child did result from that.”
“Well, shit,” James said. He took a step forward and lowered his voice, I assumed so the mundane in his tattoo chair couldn’t hear him. “Let me finish this piece, and I’ll meet you at the Chinese buffet three doors down. Gimme about an hour.”
“We’re kind of in a time crunch,” I said, but he shook his head.
“Don’t care. This girl made an appointment three months ago, and she’s been sitting for four hours while I do this shoulder piece.
I’m booked up for the next six weeks, and I’m not going to have her walk around with a half-assed tattoo just because some distant relation I’ve never heard of shows up out of the blue and demands my help.
So you can either meet me at China Buffet in an hour, or you can fuck off into the sun.
Your call. Either way, I’ll be there in sixty minutes.
” Then he turned and walked back to the young lady.
“Any of y’all want to get some work done while you wait?” the counter girl asked. “I’m still training, but he says my line work is getting better.”
* * *
We all passed on the rookie tattoos and went straight on to the buffet, which was not ready for the kind of carnage me and Barry unleashed upon it.
An hour and five minutes later, James walked in and laughed at the expressions of horror on the faces of the waitstaff.
He pulled out a chair and sat down, chuckling.
“Before I go see what, if anything, is left of the buffet, what do y’all want?
I just fixed Harker’s tattoos, and none of the rest of y’all give off a wizard vibe, so I don’t think you want magical battery ink.
And before you ask, the Winchester brothers tattoos don’t do anything against demons. That’s a TV show, not real life.”
“We don’t seem magical at all?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Didn’t say that, cuz,” James replied, flagging down a waitress and asking for unsweetened iced tea.
“I said you weren’t wizards. I know a half-fairy when I see one, and since I’ve tattooed about every pro football player within a hundred miles of here, this dude’s a Sasquatch if I’ve ever seen one.
Pretty sure the rest of y’all are human, though. ”
I rocked back in my chair a little and opened my mouth, only to close it again at James’s upraised finger.
“I’m gonna go get some wings and sesame chicken.
Maybe some crab rangoon if you left me any.
When I get back, we can chat about what you need from me, Prince Bubba.
” Then he got up, leaving me watching him go as I listened to Geri snicker.
“Prince Bubba?” She couldn’t keep the giggle out of her voice. I’m not real sure she even tried.
“I’m never living that one down, am I?”
“Not a chance.”
I followed James to the buffet and reloaded on sweet-and-sour pork and shrimp fried rice, then followed the artist back to the table.
“You want to handle the introductions, or should I just call everybody by the names I made up in my head, like ‘Probably crazy chick,’ ‘Hair Dye Explosion,’ ‘Bigfoot,’ ‘Dickhead,’ ‘Douchebag’ and ‘Cousin’?” he asked, pointing at Geri, Ash, Barry, Harker, Jarvis, and me in turn.
“Probably crazy?” Geri asked.
“Dickhead?” Harker asked.
The rest of us were basically okay with our nicknames, I suppose.
“Geri is the crazy one, Ash is the one with all the color in their hair, Barry is the ‘squatch, Jarvis is my soon-to-be brother-in-law, and you know Harker and me. We had a priest and my tech guru with us, but they had to stay back to deal with any local law enforcement when Granny Mab vanished an entire event venue, complete with the entire wedding party, guests and all. So you see why we might think we’re in a bit of a time crunch.”
“Your wedding?” James asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“And you didn’t invite her, did you?”
“Hell, no!” I said. “Have you met Mab? She makes Geri look stable. Shit, she makes Harker look stable!”
Harker and Geri both made sounds of protest, which I ignored.
“Look, man. She’s got my fiancée over in Fairyland doing God knows what to her, and we’ve got to get her back.
Not to mention she’s got my mother over there, too, and from everything I’ve heard, there’s some pretty serious bad blood between the two of them. ”
“Your mother is Princess Ygraine? The one who abdicated and went on walkabout to this world a long-ass time ago?”
“About forty years ago, if we want to put a time on it,” I said, nodding.
“Yeah, you’re gonna need to get over there. And pretty quick, too.” He turned his attention to his plate and shoveled in food for a couple long moments before I cleared my throat. He looked up at me. “What?”
“You don’t seem in much of a hurry to help out here, cousin,” I said.
He gave me a smartass grin. “I didn’t say I needed to get one there quick. I said you did. I ain’t the one in a hurry.”
I stood up, hearing my chair topple over and skid across the floor behind me. “You’re gonna be the one in a hospital if you don’t quit shoving chicken in your face and get me…” I remembered we were in a public place, and most people don’t believe in fairies. “What I need.”
Then I turned around, picked up my chair, and sat down, trying not to look like a giant tattooed thug threatening a rival meth dealer in the middle of a crowded restaurant. I saw the woman behind the counter pick up the telephone, but James held up his hand.
“It’s okay, Mai. He’s family,” the big man said.
“You tell your family not to break my restaurant,” the woman called across the room.
“Bubba, don’t break Mai’s restaurant,” James repeated.
“I promise not to break the building,” I said. I didn’t say anything about any of the furnishings or occupants, but figured Mai didn’t know me well enough to see the loophole I’d left myself.
“And don’t try to break me, either,” James said. “You might be able to do it, but it would be bad for the décor, and bad for my relationship with Mai. And probably bad for your health, too.”
I leaned forward. “I’m running out of patience pretty quick here, cuz. What do I need to say to convince you this is important?” I was trying not to get in a fight in the restaurant, but this dude was trying my patience.
“I get it,” he said. “It’s important. But if, and it’s a big if, I’m going to open a portal, even just to get a message through, that’s going to take a lot of energy, and I’m going to need to fuel up to do it.
Now I’ve just spent four hours hunched over tattooing, which ain’t exactly physically taxing, but does take a lot out of you mentally.
So I’m going to refuel for a few more minutes, then we can go back to my shop and see what Grammy says.
But Harker?” He turned to look at the wizard.
“Yeah?”
“You need to not be anywhere nearby when we talk to her. If she or Oberon get even a hint that you’re involved in this, they will shut this shit down so fast it’ll make your head spin.”
Harker looked annoyed but nodded. “Fine. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go with you, Bubba. But I thought I could at least see you off. Guess not.” He stood up, and to my surprise, James motioned at Barry.
“You too, furball,” he said. When the Sasquatch glared at him, James said, “There are no Sasquatch in Faerie. You aren’t a native species, so if you cross over, everything within a hundred miles will know in minutes and come to investigate.
Most of those things will be harmless, but not all of them.
And even if you all survive their curiosity, it’ll slow you down.
A lot. You’ll basically spend every day fighting off fae creatures, and that’s not going to help you rescue your people. ”
“What about the humans?” I asked. “Won’t they set off some kind of alarm?”
“Not really,” James replied. “There are enough humans who pass back and forth between Faerie that it’s not all that uncommon.
It’ll stir up some interest when three come through at once, but they’ll sense your presence, too, Bubba, so they won’t come rushing in.
Most things that can sense a different aura in Faerie will just assume you’re another emissary from one of the queens coming back from kidnapping some human babies. ”
“That’s a real thing?” Geri asked.
“Oh, yeah,” the big man replied around a mouthful of noodles.
“Mostly we take kids from shitty environments and bring them to Faerie to give them a better life, but sometimes a queen will send a raiding party out to swipe the child of someone who pisses her off and ransom the kid back. That doesn’t happen as much anymore, but it’s not unheard of. ”
“Nice,” Ash said.
“That’s not a word anyone ever uses in reference to a Queen of Faerie,” James said, all humor gone from his voice.
“You’d all do well to remember this. No one there is your friend, even if they’re related to you, Bubba.
Hell, especially if they’re related to you.
Half of them are going to hate you just for having human blood in your veins, and the other half is going to hate you because even with that human blood your claim on Mab’s throne is stronger than theirs.
So all of you need to stay alert, and don’t trust anybody that doesn’t cross over with you. Got it?”
“Got it,” Ash said.
“Okay,” the big inkslinger said, pushing back from the table. “Then let’s go back to my shop and see if Grammy will let y’all come visit. Harker, you’re picking up the tab.”
“Of course,” the skinny wizard said. Everyone headed for the door, but Harker grabbed my elbow. “Look, I’m sorry I can’t go with you. I know you were kinda counting on having my firepower over there, but it sounds an awful lot like I’d be more of a liability than a help.”
“It’s fine,” I said, running my fingers through the mess of my hair.
It was still growing out enough to pull it back, so I’d had some unfortunate experiments with hair gel trying to tame my mop for the wedding, and now I just kinda looked like a giant homeless person.
“It’s just gonna be a whole new team this time around.
I know Geri’s got my back, but Jarvis is… ”
“A moron,” Harker finished my sentence for me.
“And Ash is basically a civilian,” I said, glossing over his too-accurate assessment of the man who was supposed to be my brother-in-law by now.
“But she’s a telepath, or at least sensitive, so who knows what being in a completely magical realm will do to her power? She could end up being a major league badass over there.”
I knew he was trying to cheer me up, but it felt kinda bleak, watching my two heaviest hitters load up into a government SUV and head back to the mountains.
Barry was just a brawler, but he was incredibly strong, and way faster than anyone that big had a right to be.
And Harker was a legit threat in any situation, be it fighting, shooting, or slinging fireballs.
They would have made almost any fight an even field.
Now I only had three humans, and while Geri knew her way around a gun better than me, Jarvis and Ash were completely unknown quantities. But you don’t ever go to war with the army you want. You go to Fairyland with the army you have.