Chapter 10
I barely saw Asher the next day.
As soon as I’d arrived, he’d practically thrust a screaming Kaia into my arms and stalked onto the elevator without ever saying a word. When he’d finally gotten home that night a little after eight, his dark eyes had searched the apartment I’d made sure to tidy so it looked as if no one lived there, while asking, “She asleep?”
“Just finished crying herself to sleep,” I’d told him, gesturing toward the hallway entrance.
His narrowed gaze had snapped to me at that. “Then good night.”
He’d left me standing there, staring after him in bemusement, for long seconds before I’d been able to grab my things and leave. But when I’d made it downstairs, the nighttime doorman had been waiting for me again with an amused, told-you-so smile as if I hadn’t been leaving just minutes after Asher arrived.
But I’d been too irritated and disappointed with the man upstairs who could barely look at or speak to me—but still deemed it necessary to have men escort me to my car—to say anything other than a whispered thank you once we’d made it to where I’d parked.
“Then quit,” Jackson said suddenly, jerking me from the torrent of Asher-fueled thoughts and back to the present with him, where we sat in the diner.
Glancing from my mostly untouched food to his empty plate, I tentatively asked, “What?”
He held a hand toward me before letting it fall to the table. “You don’t wanna be a nanny anyway, and all you’ve done since getting this job is complain about your boss.” He gave me a look as if the answer should’ve been obvious. “So, quit.”
My mind raced as I wondered if that was true. But just as quickly as those thoughts formed, they faded away when I remembered Jackson getting frustrated and hanging up on me just the night before. And not because of anything to do with Asher or my refusal to work on the farm, but because of my excitement over Kaia.
And as I replayed the very few conversations we’d had these past days, a deep sadness swept through me and gripped at my heart because it was clear he was lying to me then . It was clear he was using whatever he could to try to push me back to a life I didn’t want.
“Was it that I didn’t tell you or that I left?” I asked, confusing him. At the furrowing of Jackson’s brow, I lowered my voice to a whisper and clarified, “What ruined us?”
“Lainey...” he began on a ragged breath. “We aren’t—we’re fine.”
There was that word again.
“You know we aren’t,” I insisted as a deep grief threatened to choke me. “Jackson, there’s a wall so tall and thick between us, but when I really think about it, I don’t know when it appeared.”
“You think there’s a wall because of your guilt.”
“I know there is,” I maintained, even as my jaw wavered at his callously delivered words. “You never wanted me to go away to school; you fought me on it constantly. And things changed during those years, but I thought it was because we weren’t always together the way we were so used to. Now, I’m not sure that’s what it was.”
His head shook slowly but sternly as I spoke. “Nothing has changed. We’re figuring out our way through your betrayal, but we’re fine.”
“Stop saying fine ,” I breathed... begged . “That word is just—” A sound of discontent left me as I buried a hand in my hair. “Jackson, I know what I did, but do you even realize what you’re doing to me? What my parents are doing to me?”
Frustration stole across his handsome face and clashed with a look as if daring me to find one thing that he was at fault for.
“Y’all aren’t just angry at me for lying—not even lying— omitting that I was studying something else on top of what I originally went to school for. That... that I would understand. But y’all are angry that I’ve found something I’m passionate about because it isn’t what any of you want for me. It isn’t what has been expected of me for so long. And you...you were so kind the other night when I thought I’d been fired, but the second you found out I hadn’t been, you started reminding me of all the responsibilities I was shirking in the fields and office.
“And I’m sorry if I’ve been complaining about my boss throughout breakfast, but I haven’t been complaining about him ever since getting hired,” I went on. “If that were true, you wouldn’t have cut me off in the middle of gushing about Kaia last night, saying, ‘If you’re trying to prove you’re happier there than at the farm, I get it,’ before hanging up on me. Actually...” A stunned laugh burst from me when realization hit, and I started sliding out of the booth, only to stop when Jackson gripped my arm and jerked me back.
“Where are you going?” he demanded.
“I’m leaving. Because you’re twisting everything around and onto me when you were the one who started complaining about my boss,” I said, my exasperated smile widening when Jackson’s face fell. “You asked what time I actually left there last night before going off about him and how you don’t like how unpredictable he and the job are—as if ranching and farming are predictable.”
I started pushing from the booth but was roughly pulled back again. A pained gasp tore down my throat when my hip caught the corner of the table before my ribs slid across the edging.
“There is no wall between us,” he said softly but no less severely. “We are fine, but we’re only fine because you refuse to wake up and see what you’re doing to us by going through your life as if we never were, as if I haven’t always been your future.”
I reared back at the accusation, the small movement sending an echo of pain through my side. “I’m not—that isn’t true.”
“You sure about that?” he challenged. “We always talked about getting married after high school, but you wanted to go to college. So, we planned to get married after you graduated college, but you decided to get your master’s without even telling me. And when you finally came back, you continued going on with your life and making plans without me. Everything you’ve been doing the past six years has been you , not you and me.”
“Jackson—”
“So, take all your misplaced blame and understand all this disconnect you’re feeling is because you’re pulling away. None of this would be happening if you put a fraction of the effort into us that you put into anything else.” He released me to gesture to the window and ground out, “Things with your parents would smooth over if you’d see how selfish you’re being by taking this job when you’re needed on your family’s farm.”
I stared at him through blurry eyes as guilt, doubt, and pain formed a lethal storm in my chest. Just as my lips parted to say something—apologize, tell him he was wrong, anything —the alarm sounded on my phone, breaking through this crushing moment.
Wiping at the lone tear that managed to slip free, I cleared my throat and quickly searched through my bag until I found my phone.
Silencing the alarm, I avoided Jackson’s pleading stare as I whispered, “I have to go,” and finally got out of the booth.
“Lainey,” he began, grabbing my hand to stop me from leaving once again, “you know what you have to do.”
My gaze snapped to the side to find bright green eyes studying me expectantly.
“If something was getting in the middle of us, I’d do everything to remove it.”
My shoulders sagged at the clear implication of his words. “Jackson, don’t ask me to quit.”
He nodded a few times before releasing my hand. “And that’s why we’re only fine .”
I studied his profile when he straightened in the booth, dismissing me, before hurrying out of the diner and to my car as tears fell relentlessly.
I don’t remember inching through traffic on the drive to downtown Dallas, looking for a parking space, or even if I said anything to the woman I nearly bumped into as I walked through the parking garage. I was just suddenly beside the daytime doorman, numbly watching as he pushed the button to call the elevator.
“Thank you,” I murmured, the words sounding strangled and coming far too late.
He nodded in return before clearing his throat. “You, uh...you doing okay, ma’am?”
It wasn’t until his words and tone finally registered that I realized I hadn’t even stopped to see what I looked like before getting out of my car. Glancing at the reflective wall in front of me, a groan left me when I saw my smeared mascara and puffy, red eyes.
Fantastic.
“I’m great,” I lied as I hurried to do what I could about the makeup.
“It’s only the beginning of the day,” the doorman said as we stepped onto the car, and he used his keycard to give me access to the twenty-ninth floor, “things can only get better.”
I offered the old man a grateful smile when he stepped back into the lobby but couldn’t seem to meet his eyes as I maintained, “I really am great,” just before the doors shut behind him.
I told myself that same lie a dozen more times as the elevator rose. But it was the anticipation as I watched the floor levels tick higher and the thought of getting even a glimpse of that horribly frustrating man that finally had my tensed muscles and constricted lungs relaxing.
By the time I entered Asher’s apartment, I was questioning my sanity and taste in men, and desperately trying to ignore the eagerness now dancing through my veins.
But then every careless thought and emotion came to a jarring halt when a stunning woman in a pair of loose sweats and a strappy sports bra came out of the kitchen to see who’d just arrived.
“Oh, um...I’m sorry,” I whispered as I quickly retreated a few steps, wondering if I was supposed to call before coming up and kinda wishing I had .
“Ash?” the woman called out, intrigue and confusion playing across her features as she openly studied me. “Who are you?”
“No one,” I hurried to assure her at the question she’d directed my way. “I’m just the nanny.”
Her eyebrows lifted at that. “Nanny?” She said the word as if it tasted bitter to her, then turned at the exact moment Asher rounded the hallway with Kaia and snapped, “You got a nanny ?”
“Necessary,” was all he said as he stormed up to where I stood, already holding Kaia out so I would take her.
“Hi, pretty girl,” I whispered as I reached for her, trying to match my smile to the one spreading across her face. But just when I went to pull her into my arms, Asher shifted Kaia back against his chest seemingly instinctively.
The movement surprised me so much that my gaze darted up to find his hardened eyes locked on my own, forcing a chill to sweep down my spine. Because this look? It promised destruction...but it was just as fascinating as it was terrifying.
If it weren’t for the excited wriggling of the baby we were both holding, I was sure I could’ve spent an eternity right there, lost in the dark depths of his eyes.
“Can I take her?” I asked, hesitation wrapping around each word as I told myself again and again to look away, but it was all I could do to remember how to breathe as I stood there, trapped in a stare I was sure would make others run.
Asher handed his niece over wordlessly, but his eyes followed me like a predator tracking its prey as I stepped around him until the other woman cleared her throat.
As soon as Asher’s attention snapped in her direction, I dropped my stare to the floor and hurried to the kitchen to start Kaia’s breakfast.
“Let’s try this again...” the woman began once I’d passed her, “you got a nanny ?”
“Necessary,” Asher said, repeating his earlier claim. At the woman’s huff, he sighed. “Since you suddenly have an opinion, why don’t you tell me what I should’ve done?”
“Not gotten custody,” the woman said in a way that clearly stated they’d had this argument...more than once. “You can’t take care of a baby, Ash.”
“You sure about that?” he shot back, the words sounding like a warning and a reminder.
I risked a glance at where the two of them seemed to be having some sort of silent standoff before the woman mumbled, “That was different,” and turned to leave, her curious stare catching on me as she did.
Once she’d slipped out of the kitchen and my line of sight, I focused on gathering Kaia’s breakfast—all while she babbled happily from her highchair, oblivious to the tension filling the kitchen—because Asher was still in there. Watching me.
Even if he hadn’t avoided me the day before, I wouldn’t know how to act or what to say when just his presence was so big and commanding and had me struggling to form a coherent thought.
“You’ve been crying,” he said once I settled in a chair in front of Kaia.
I stilled for a moment before pulling the mashed fruit closer to me and dipping a tiny spoon inside. “If that’s why you haven’t left yet, don’t worry about me,” I said as I offered the spoonful to Kaia, smiling at her as I did. “I’m great.”
A grunt sounded from somewhere behind me, but closer than where he’d been before. “I told you I appreciate honesty, Lainey, so don’t lie to me. Even about this.”
My next breath came out sharp and shaky as I stared too intently at the food I was scooping. “Everyone lies about how they’re doing,” I finally admitted, my voice light and airy to match the expression I was giving Kaia.
“Not everyone.”
“Then tell me how you’re doing,” I challenged just as a distinctive ding came from the front of the apartment.
At the sound of multiple voices trying to be heard over the other, my attention drifted to the side to find Asher leaning against the island, staring intently at me as if debating trying one last time to find out why I’d been crying. With a harsh exhale, he pushed from the counter just as most of the people I’d briefly encountered my first day all entered my line of sight.
“See?” the overly tattooed one said exasperatedly. “Why do the rest of us have to be uncomfortable when Briggs looks like he just rolled out of bed?”
“Enough,” another said, smacking the tattooed guy across the back of the head before looking pointedly at Asher. “You going like that?”
Asher started responding just as Tattoos sauntered up to me. “Well, hello again...” Grabbing the chair next to mine, he flipped it around to sit backwards in it. “I’m Adam, but you can call me Thatch.”
He’d barely gotten the last word out before Asher was hauling him out of the chair. They were nearly the same build and height, but Asher had thrown him back as if Tattoos— Thatch —weighed nothing at all.
With a hard look at me, Asher said, “You don’t call him anything. Don’t talk to him unless it’s absolutely necessary.” Pointing at a guy standing off to the side who had disturbingly similar eyes to Jackson, he added, “Same goes for Gray.”
Gray held out his arms and scoffed. “I haven’t said anything.”
“Yet,” the woman beside him chimed in, her exaggerated eyeroll letting me know it was inevitable.
As though to prove her point, Gray focused his attention on me, a roguish smile easily slipping across his face that I was sure had women falling all over themselves to get to him. With a subtle wink, he muttered, “Ma’am,” like he knew that was all he needed to say to win me over.
I fed Kaia another spoonful as Asher growled, “Out. Everyone out. Wait for us downstairs.”
The green-eyed one— Gray —held a hand up even higher in defense. “I said ‘ ma’am .’”
“You know what you did,” the woman beside him snapped. “That’s the third time this morning. Are you incapable of letting just one woman pass by you without trying to take her home?”
“I let you pass me all the time,” he countered as their voices drifted farther away, a sharp laugh leaving him a second later.
“What are they doing here, and who’s on watch?” Asher’s unexpected question forced my attention to where he stood nearby. But I quickly dropped my stare back to the bowl I’d been scooping another bite out of when I realized he was talking with one of the guys—the Viking-looking one who’d asked if Asher was going like that .
Giving Kaia an overly excited look as I fed her the bite, I tried ignoring the conversation that clearly wasn’t meant for me, but it was difficult when they were standing only a few feet away.
“Evans,” the man answered in a way that shouted it should’ve been obvious. “And you really thought we wouldn’t be there for you today?”
“You,” Asher said before the guy finished speaking. “I expected you to be here.”
“ We are a team, Briggs,” the giant said softly, almost gently. “Now, go get— Peyton ?”
“Cameron Rush?” a feminine voice called out in stunned excitement, once again pulling my attention away from Kaia in time to see the half-naked woman from earlier throw her arms around the man talking to Asher.
I watched Cameron Rush hesitantly hug the now fully-clothed Peyton before my gaze shifted, as if drawn to the man standing beside them, only to find Asher once again watching me.
And like before, I found myself trapped.
Knowing I needed to look away but unable to. Not when those dark eyes were searching and studying...subtly pleading.
But then the remaining people in the apartment must’ve said something that had Asher’s stare snapping to them as he demanded, “What was that?”
Cameron glanced between Asher and Peyton before looking uncomfortably at the floor when Peyton asked, “You don’t think he looks good with a beard?”
“I don’t have an opinion on how Rush looks,” Asher said irritably. “But not thirty minutes ago, you were getting on me for not shaving.”
“You look homeless,” she said, emphasizing each syllable.
An edgy sound crept from him that I would’ve sworn bordered on a laugh if we weren’t talking about Asher Briggs as he dragged his hands over his face and scuffed his fingers through the growth there that most definitely did not make him look homeless.
“You deal with her,” he said to Cameron before stalking out of the kitchen.
Kaia made a squeal of displeasure, pulling me out of the conversation that so wasn’t my business and back to the little girl I needed to be giving all my attention to.
“So sorry,” I whispered soft enough to give the illusion it was just us when I knew the other two people in the kitchen could hear me. But just as I gave Kaia another bite, Peyton asked, “Did you know he hired a nanny?”
“Peyton...” Cameron began, her name leaving him on a cautious laugh.
She must’ve taken that as confirmation because she demanded, “And you didn’t try to stop him?”
“You know she’s sitting right there,” Cameron ground out.
“Yeah, I can see that. This is no offense to you,” she said even louder, as if trying to get my attention. I hesitantly glanced their way in time for her to add, “My brother’s just an idiot for thinking he could do this at all. Which, clearly, he can’t because he had to hire you.”
Brother.
Brother .
That one word shouldn’t have been the relief it was, but I couldn’t stop the way my shoulders sagged a little as I digested it. Before I could respond or wonder how I hadn’t noticed the similarities in their dark eyes or their intense way of talking to people, Cameron cut in.
“He can do this,” he told Peyton vehemently. “Just because he needs help during the day so he can continue working doesn’t mean anything.”
“He shouldn’t have taken Kaia on, and you know it,” Peyton seethed as she took a step closer to him.
“I know you had issues with Wyatt the past—” If it hadn’t been for the way Cameron abruptly stopped talking and ripped his hand away from Peyton, I wouldn’t have even realized he’d reached for her in the first place.
And it was all I could do to feed Kaia and feign disinterest all while they pretended to be unaffected as the kitchen filled with palpable tension.
“I know you and Wyatt had your issues the past few years,” Cameron finally said after clearing his throat.
“Few?” Peyton challenged.
“Peyton . . .”
“He made his choices,” she said with a relenting sigh. “He dragged Ash down for so long, forcing all his burdens on him, and he’s still doing it.”
“Asher never thought of Wyatt that way. He never thought of either of you that way.”
A disbelieving huff bled from Peyton’s lips all while I sat there, blatantly staring, baby spoon suspended in the air as I listened to every word and vainly tried decoding them.
“Yeah, well...try telling my therapist that,” she muttered. With another curious glance at Kaia and me, she loosed a long sigh. “I don’t even know why I came. I just wanna get today over with and get back to New York.”
An understanding hum left Cameron even as a flash of disappointment crossed his face. “Well, if he hasn’t said it yet, I know he’s glad you’re here.”
Peyton studied Cameron for a few seconds before whispering, “You really do look good with a beard, Cam.” She took a large step away from him and looked toward the living room in an act that could’ve been taken as dismissive if Asher hadn’t soundlessly stalked around the corner of the kitchen a second or two later.
Even if it hadn’t been for the shrill shriek that left Kaia, I had no doubt her spoon would’ve slipped from my fingers the second I saw Asher, wearing his anger like armor and dressed in a slim, all-black suit. I’d never seen someone look so set on destruction or so devastatingly handsome.
Forcing my attention back to Kaia, I hurriedly scooped up the spoon and got another bite ready for her. “Ready?” I whispered as I tried—and failed—to brighten my expression for her.
But I was determined to keep my focus on her and nothing else.
I’d already eavesdropped on a conversation and moment that wasn’t meant for me; I could pretend to give them what little privacy was available, considering they were still standing so close. Besides, the last thing I needed was one of them seeing every unwanted thought that was surely displayed on my face, betraying me in a way I couldn’t afford. Not then. Not ever.
“Took you long enough,” Peyton said, the words dripping with irritation that so closely matched Asher’s.
“Let’s go,” Asher grated, and I hated the reaction just hearing his rough voice had on me. The quick inhale. The chills that swept over my arms. The urge to turn and see the terrifying expression that went with that tone.
I squeezed my eyelids shut and internally berated myself between reminders that he was my boss ...that I had a boyfriend .
“What about the nanny and Kaia?”
At Peyton’s question, my attention shot back to where she and Cameron were watching me, then over to where Asher had stopped just before stepping out of my line of sight.
With a calming breath, his gaze drifted to me before locking on his sister. “What about them?”
Peyton huffed something that might’ve been a laugh, but it sounded too bitter to be sure. “You don’t think Kaia should be there?”
“No.”
“Ash—”
“I don’t even wanna be there, Peyton,” Asher seethed over her. With another hard look at me, he turned and continued through the apartment, talking as he did. “There’s no reason for Kaia to be there. Let’s go.”
Peyton just rolled her eyes and started after her brother.
Cameron offered me an apologetic look and said, “Good seeing you again,” before following.
And I sat there, my chest aching for that irritable man I hardly knew and for the little girl beside me as everything fell into place long after it should’ve. Because Peyton and the other woman had been wearing dresses, and the guys had all been in suits.
Everyone had been dressed in black.
Twisting so I was facing Kaia’s overly excited expression as she softly babbled to herself and playfully smacked the sides of her highchair, I wished there was a way I could apologize for what today was and, at the same time, was so grateful she didn’t understand.
“We’re going to have the best day,” I promised as I fed her another spoonful, a soft laugh tumbling past my lips at the way her entire face lit up from the bite of mashed fruit.
Grabbing her tiny, chubby hand when she reached for me, I leaned close and lowered my voice, even though the others were already gone. “For as long as I’m able, I will do everything to make sure you’re surrounded by joy and love and understanding, so when you learn this pain, it won’t be what defines you.”
At the next excited shriek she made, since that seemed to be her favorite thing this morning, I blew a raspberry on her hand before releasing her and scooping up the last of her breakfast.
And as I finished the dishes and lifted Kaia from the highchair, babbling at her the way she was at me, I noticed my own pain from Jackson’s earlier words was all but gone as I easily and happily fell back into this new, unanticipated routine.
At the realization, I hesitated on my path to the living room when it hit me that I’d never once considered quitting this job, even for the sake of my unstable relationship. After only two days, I somehow knew, just by looking into Kaia’s dark, dark eyes that she was so much more important than Jackson and me.
And it shook the steady ground I’d always stood on.