Chapter 25
I took in every part of Lainey’s reaction slowly, savoring each detail.
The flare of surprise in her eyes. The blush staining her cheeks. The way her lips parted with a nearly inaudible gasp. The combination brightening her expression until only a ghost of doubt lingered, all while she sat curled up on my couch like she belonged there.
I wasn’t sure anything would ever mess up my life as perfectly as Lainey Pearson.
“Before I continue, I need to know where you and Jackson stand.”
“He asked me to marry him,” she said a little shakily before clearing her throat. “I said ‘no’ and told him we no longer had any business with each other.”
I fought back the relief and hope that surged through me and asked, “When was this?”
“Monday.” The word was a whisper as if she was worried about my reaction.
Considering I remembered exactly how she’d shown up that morning, Jackson had every reason to worry. But before I could respond, Lainey hurried to continue.
“What happened that day wasn’t because of my refusal to marry him—not entirely, anyway—and I told my dad that. Which, speaking of, what all did you say to him, since you apparently told him about Jackson?”
“That he should be less worried about you working for me and more concerned that the man he wants you to marry sent you to me with bruises.”
Lainey stared at me, seeming to wait for me to continue, before pointedly saying, “You were in there a long time.”
I felt my jaw twitch as I tried controlling my anger over the way her dad had ripped into me as soon as we’d gotten into his office that morning—all things I was sure he and his wife had been using against Lainey, given what little she’d told me.
And I hated them for it.
For the responsibility they’d placed on her shoulders since she was young. The guilt they’d forced on her these past years, and even more so since she’d graduated. The life they’d been trying to push her into and the dreams they’d been doing everything to crush.
“I got a taste of what he’s been saying to you first,” I mumbled and watched the way her face fell just slightly.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “He’s just?—”
“Lainey, don’t apologize for him,” I said on a bitter huff, but I could see she still wanted to. I could see she wanted to try to explain something away that she had no part in. “I let him get out what he felt he needed to, said my piece, now it’s done.”
She worried her bottom lip before hesitantly asking, “And that’s all you said to him?”
I wavered as I thought of how best to answer before finally telling her, “I think we’ve gone about this conversation in the wrong order—this entire day, really.”
“Really?” she asked, feigning sincerity. “We fought, I cried, I couldn’t figure out a way to stay mad at you. You told my dad what happened with my boyfriend. Ex ,” she hurried to amend. “Ex-boyfriend. Oh, and that was after the encounter with Jackson, which was...well, it was something. Now you’re telling me you’re worried the mafia ”—she said the words on a harsh whisper and glanced around as if worried someone might overhear—“will retaliate against you, and somewhere in there, we picked blueberries.” She gestured to me with the half-full glass. “I can’t imagine how the day could’ve gone any better.”
A breathless laugh left me. “There’s still time to leave before we continue,” I offered.
“You expect that little of me?” she asked, seeming more curious than offended.
“No,” I told her honestly. “After the way you handled yourself last year when you could’ve easily screamed or tried to get away from me, I knew exactly what to expect of you tonight. Doesn’t mean a part of me isn’t hoping you might.”
“Might leave?” she clarified. At the dip of my head, she said, “Because it’s safer for me to hate you...safer not to be near you.”
“Extremely.”
A dismissive noise sounded in the back of her throat as she settled a little deeper against the couch, and that small sound, that subtle move, had me straining to keep myself from reaching out to touch her. Pull her into my arms. Kiss her the way I’d been thinking about for months.
Forcing back every one of my wants, I asked instead, “What made you say ‘no’ to Jackson?”
A whispered laugh that sounded both panicked and frustrated tumbled from her lips as her stare fell to her knees. “I thought it was obvious.”
Parts of it, but I wanted the entirety of her reason.
I wanted to know if any part of her had been torn between her relationship and thoughts of us. There were times I was sure I wasn’t alone in my feelings. But there were others that had me second-guessing everything, sure it was just Lainey’s personality and nothing to do with us .
But after everything this week, I had a feeling I wasn’t going to get a real answer until I gave one of my own.
“You’ve consumed me from the first moment I saw you, and I’ve hated every second as much as I’ve craved the next.”
Her gaze snapped to mine at the confession, eyes big and round with something close to hope that she struggled to rein in as I continued.
“What you heard?—”
“You don’t lie,” she said over me, spearing me with all that pain that had been trailing after her the past week.
My head slanted in equal parts agreement and shamed reluctance.
“You don’t lie,” she repeated more firmly as she pulled her knees closer to her chest. “You constantly demand honesty, and I heard you.”
“And yet, I gave the person I trust most in this world partial truths and twisted versions of the truth because I’m constantly struggling to remind myself why I can’t be affected by you the way I am. I didn’t need Rush making it worse.”
Wonder and adoration tried creeping back into her features for all of a second before her expression went utterly blank. “‘Partial truths and twisted versions of...’” she murmured before a self-deprecating laugh left her. “Wow, all right,” she said as she pulled the blanket off her and lowered her feet to stand.
“Lainey, wait,” I begged as I moved so I was in front of her, prompting another harsher laugh from her as she placed her free hand on my chest as if she was about to push me away.
“I’ve had your voice in my head for nearly a week,” she said tightly. “I’d really rather not sit here and listen to you tell me in person all the things you don’t like about me.”
“Don’t like about you,” I challenged darkly.
“You just said they were truths,” she shot back.
“Every one,” I acknowledged and pressed her hand harder to my chest when her eyes dimmed. “I told you about my past and my mom, so you know anything more than necessities is clutter to me—you know my struggles with that. So, yes, you’ve made my blood pressure rise almost every day since you’ve started?—”
“I tried to fix that,” she argued, swinging her coffee-filled hand toward the rest of the living room, then squeezed her eyelids shut before fixing a pleading glare on me. “I...I mean, I tried . Do you know how crazy I felt when I came back the next day to find the blankets and plants still here?” Her head moved in quick jerks before she demanded, “Why would you do that?”
“Because I’ve never respected anyone more for what you’ve done by pushing me with all the changes,” I explained as I carefully took the glass from her hand to place it on the table behind me. “I hate not knowing what I’m gonna come home to each day—Lainey, I can’t explain how much I hate it. But I respect it because it’s you and because of all the reasons why you’ve done what you have.”
She blinked up at me, clearly taken aback, before hesitantly confirming, “So, you made me think I’d lost my mind...”
“Not my intention,” I said apologetically. “That was just the only thing I could think to do that might show you there was so much more behind what you’d overheard because the rest...” I gently captured some of her curls and let them slide through my fingers before securing my hand at the base of her neck. “Lainey, I’ve dreamt of driving my hands into these wild curls.”
Her lips parted on a shaky exhale as her fingers pressed harder against my chest in response.
“And your eyes? I can’t think of anything more uncontrollable than a storm, and that’s what I see every time I get trapped right here.” Dipping my head lower, I kept my mouth hovering just over hers as I meaningfully said, “The way you look is the definition of chaotic: wild and uncontrollable. Do you understand now?”
Silence that was just as excruciating as it was uncertain settled heavily between us as those eyes I’d been describing searched mine.
“Partial truths,” she eventually whispered, wonder filling her voice and offsetting her next statement. “I’m not sure I’ll ever understand you.”
Before I could worry over what she meant by that, the fingers of her free hand trailed over my short beard, keeping me a breath from her as she continued. “You can have me riding the craziest high only to rip it away with a cruel look and a few callously delivered words.”
“I don’t try to,” I assured her, but she continued as if I hadn’t spoken.
“You said you can’t be affected by me the way you are, but this isn’t the first time you’ve held me like this today or this week.”
“I said I’ve been struggling to remind myself,” I gently corrected and watched as she subtly nodded, making the tip of her nose brush mine and testing every ounce of my self-control as I kept us right there.
So close that all reason started blurring as my carefully placed restraints threatened to snap, and I wasn’t sure I cared anymore.
And then she closed the space between us that much more so her lips brushed mine when she asked, “And why can’t you be affected by me, Asher Briggs?” and I nearly broke.
“You have a boyfriend.”
“Had.”
“Had,” I agreed as I shifted both of my hands so I was cradling her neck, then brushed a ghost of a kiss across her lips before reminding both of us, “You work for me.”
“I don’t care.”
She’d barely gotten the words out before I captured her lips in a kiss that was nothing less than a claim and a vow.
Slow but powerful. Gentle but filled with months of longing.
And I knew in the way it felt like it would never be enough that there was no going back from this.
“I said ‘no’ because of you,” she whispered through the kiss.
“What?”
Her eyelids slowly lifted, giving me a glimpse of that storm I’d just been talking about. “Jackson...I wasn’t in love with him anymore,” she said with a subtle nod. “I think my heart forgot his name when a stranger kissed me and berated me for not being observant.”
The corner of my mouth twitched with amusement. “So, that’s what does it for you...strangers berating you?”
A contemplative hum sounded in her throat and vibrated against my hands. “Only if they buy me coffee first.”
My chest pitched with a breathless laugh, but my tone was low and solemn when I said, “I probably should, but I can’t bring myself to apologize for being the reason you stopped loving someone else.”
“Then don’t.”
Just before my lips met hers again, a shrill cry echoed down the hall and poured into the living room.
Seconds passed as we stared at each other, barely a breath apart, before Lainey broke the building tension, whispering, “That didn’t last long.”
“Her interrupting?”
A soft laugh left her as she pushed me away. “Sleeping,” Lainey chastised as she stood. “I just got her to sleep before you came back.”
I curled my arm around her waist, stopping her from leaving and bringing her back to me. “I’ve got her.”
Her brows lifted in surprised amusement. “This is literally what you pay me for.”
“Not sure I can ethically have you on the clock right now.”
“Then don’t,” she said with an unbothered shrug as she slipped away. But the small smile she sent over her shoulder had me following her toward the sound of Kaia’s cries.
“Did she ever calm down for you?” I asked as we rounded the corner of the hall.
Lainey’s shoulders jerked with a muted laugh. “When she finally fell asleep.”
An acknowledging sound crept up my throat. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be,” she said, twisting a little to meet my eyes. “It happens.”
I was aware. And I knew exactly how much it grated on every last nerve.
Then again, it was possible my frustration was made worse because every cry only fueled my worries that I shouldn’t be the person taking care of Kaia.
Not when I’d failed to keep her parents alive. Not when I still struggled to look at those big, dark eyes and see anything other than my brother. Not when I was sure I’d inevitably bring danger to our door.
I settled against the doorframe of Kaia’s room, arms folded over my chest as I watched Lainey. Every movement so effortless as she scooped up Kaia and curled my screaming niece close to her chest.
“I know,” Lainey whispered as she subtly rocked back and forth, almost immediately taking Kaia’s screams down to exhausted cries. “Just such a hard night.”
“I’m surprised she didn’t calm down for you earlier.”
Lainey gave me a dry look, but the corners of her mouth kept tipping up. “You act like I’m magic with her.”
“You have been,” I said pointedly.
I barely caught the sound of her scoff over Kaia’s whimpers. “Then you haven’t been watching the cameras while you’re gone.”
“Someone told me it was intrusive.”
At that, her head tipped back with a laugh that pulled at every part of my ruined soul. Even in the darkened room, I could see the way her eyes danced when she looked at me again.
With a lift of a shoulder, Lainey said, “I’m surprised you listened to me. However, this sweet girl and I have plenty of these moments when you’re gone. But tonight...I think tonight’s different.”
Just when I started pushing from the doorframe, a whisper of alarm sliding into my veins, Lainey released a rush of air and explained, “I think Kaia’s getting ready for a growth spurt. She just seems so uncomfortable and wanted to be held all afternoon, but she doesn’t seem sick.” With an adoring smile at my niece, she said, “She’s also been fantastically grumpy, just like her uncle.”
A rough sound rolled up my throat at the innocent words that had me spiraling down that path of all the reasons why I shouldn’t be the one with custody of Kaia. Why she shouldn’t have any of my qualities.
Wyatt.
My failure.
Danger.
Forcing back the urge to get as far from Kaia as I could, I asked, “What do we do?” The question came out gruffer than I’d meant it, and from the way Lainey’s head snapped up and her expression fell into something thoughtful and somewhat careful, she’d heard it.
“Um...” She lifted a hand before returning it to Kaia’s back. “I tried very gently massaging her arms and legs earlier. I’d hoped the bath would help, but it didn’t. You have an infant acetaminophen and the dosage chart from her pediatrician, but we never discussed that, so I didn’t feel comfortable giving it to her.”
“Lainey.” Her name left me on a stunned breath. At her questioning silence, I nodded to where she was holding Kaia. “I leave her with you every day. I trust you with her every day. I let you take her places.”
“Right...” she murmured, drawing out the word and nearly making it sound like a question.
“So, I would trust you to give her medicine if she needed it.”
“We never talked about it,” she maintained.
“Then call me.”
“Cameron said I couldn’t call you during your security...”—she waved a hand through the air as if searching for the word—“things.”
Despite my initial irritation with what she’d been saying, a whisper of a smirk pulled at my mouth. “Security things?”
An exasperated sound left her. “Whatever they’re called.”
“Details.”
“Exactly.”
My smirk widened before I could catch it. “No, they’re called security details .”
“Oh,” she mumbled before rolling her eyes as if it didn’t matter. “Okay, Cameron said I couldn’t call you during your security details .”
I wavered before saying, “Because most people can’t. We set our phones so only we can get ahold of each other during details. But your number will go through. So, if you need me for anything, especially if it has to do with Kaia, call me. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing. Understood?” As soon as her head dipped in a nod, I added, “And I trust you with Kaia—that includes giving her medicine she needs. So, let’s go.”
I stepped back from the doorframe but waited for Lainey and a softly whimpering Kaia to slip out of the room first. Letting them lead the way through the apartment to where the medicine was stashed in the kitchen.
If I was being honest, I hadn’t known it was there. I wasn’t the one who bought it or put it away.
But once I had the syringe filled with the correct dose according to the chart I vaguely remembered being given during those first days before Kaia was truly in my care, I handed it to Lainey. Partially because I was sure Kaia was more likely to take something from the woman holding her than me. Mostly to enforce the words I’d just said.
I trusted her.
“What was it?” Lainey asked as she slowly fed the liquid to my tear-streaked niece. Before I could ask what she was talking about, her chaotic eyes briefly flashed my way before falling to Kaia again as she explained, “I said something in the room that bothered you.”
When I took too long thinking over what all to say, she added, “Honesty, Mr. Briggs,” on a gentle tease.
“Told you I think her social worker’s right,” I admitted.
“Asher—”
“And then you compared her to me,” I finished over her. I rubbed at the pressure against my chest as if that might help relieve it or help me sort through my destructive thoughts. “Soon as you said that, I wanted to get as far from her as possible because I couldn’t see any way where my life or just who I am doesn’t end up hurting her.”
“I can,” Lainey said, the words barely more than a whisper but they rang with conviction. When I cut a challenging look her way, a flash of uncertainty and pain tore across her beautiful face. “Honesty?”
“Always.”
“Even if it hurts?”
“Always,” I repeated without hesitation.
“You think she would’ve been better off with Wyatt?”