Chapter 34
Chapter Thirty-Four
There are many two-word phrases that irritate me. Low battery. Road closed. Monday morning.
But for some reason, on this random Wednesday evening, I’m up in arms about the annual Permian BBQ flyer Winston sent out. What should be a fun way to celebrate finding out who will receive the promotion has now become my worst nightmare.
Partners allowed.
Winston’s wife will be there, according to their enthusiastic RSVP. Andy is bringing Henrietta. Even Trevor is bringing someone. I could always bring one of the girls, but that’s not the point.
I slam my laptop closed and push it aside.
Being angry about being alone is pointless.
In one week, I’ll hopefully be leaving the BBQ with a promotion that’ll come with a career jump and the respect of my peers.
It’s what I gave up soccer for. The reason I missed so many girls’ nights.
The fuel that kept my heart on lockdown.
In a battle of work and everything else, work has always won without a fight.
Yet I can’t stop thinking about him.
“Hey, Agent Shay.”
It’s late enough for me to wonder if I’m hallucinating, but the words and the person in my doorway seem too real. I didn’t hear anyone enter Slim Jim Batting, but that’s what I get for blasting Vivaldi.
I yank my headphones out. “What are you doing here?”
Cade makes no effort to enter the room. “Can we talk?”
The desk is a disaster, covered in paperwork I was working on before receiving the BBQ invitation, but I gesture at the empty plastic chair.
“Is everything okay? How’s your head?”
Dark purple blooms across his temple and down to his cheek.
After being cleared during re-evaluation, he played in last night’s game.
Still, every time he stepped onto the field, I chewed my fingers until they were raw.
Three days have passed since my heart shattered at the possibility of losing Cade again.
I still hear the sound of the ball hitting his helmet.
His fingers fly to the spot I’m staring at. “Better today. Been icing it off and on.” Dropping his eyes, he studies the mess. “Looks like you could use a distraction. How about a penny for your thoughts?”
I’d play, but I don’t know where to start. Between work and Cade, I’m a mess.
If I knew my feelings for him would return, I wouldn’t have agreed to be his agent. But if I hadn’t said yes, who knows if we would be here right now. Him telling me things in confidence, feeling safe enough to show me real emotion, and not being afraid I’ll see him exactly as he is.
Being friends with Cade was special. Moving to friends with benefits was exciting. Trying for more was scary.
But this time around, falling for him seems safe.
I dig my elbows into the desk. “How about a penny for your thoughts?”
Cade’s persistent look sharpens. “It’ll take more than a single penny to explain the things in my head right now.”
Same here.
“How about we play our game instead?” he asks. “What do you say, rule breaker?”
Rolling my eyes, I agree. “Fine. What are the odds you’ll leave so I can finish my work in peace?”
“That’s not nice, but if we say it at the same time, I’ll leave you alone to drown in paperwork.” His smile tilts as he lifts his fist. “On three.” One, two, three.
“Seven!” I shout at the same time he says “One!”
Rolling my eyes, I lean back in my seat. “You know I never call the number one, so that’s practically cheating.”
“Is it cheating? Or do I know you better than you wish I did?”
“Both,” I say, not even trying to hide my smile. “Your turn.”
Cade scans the dreary office as if looking for inspiration. My little spot at Slim Jim Batting isn’t as fancy as Permian’s building. The desk creaks every time I lean against it, and the chairs are plastic, but it’s infinitely more comfortable than Permian has ever been.
His eyes stop roaming. “What are the odds you tell me your first impression of me?”
“That seems like a waste of a turn, but whatever,” I say, holding up my fist. “On three.”
One, two, three.
The number five coming out of his mouth at the same time it leaves mine is not ideal.
Cade raises his arms. “Yes! I’ve been waiting five years to hear this.”
Taking a deep breath, I think back to the day I met Cade.
I remember it like it was yesterday. “You were sitting on the floor in the study room with your back to me. It sucked because I wanted to not like you, but without even seeing your face, you changed my mind. I listened to the way you talked to Mallory and Kenneth. Your patient, brotherly tone told me you had a little sibling. Likely a sister, based on the Hello Kitty Band-Aid on your elbow. Your laugh was light in a way that didn’t seem forced or trained.
And your shoulders didn’t slump. Confident, but not in a prideful way like a lot of the guys on campus.
” The sparkly wrist chain attached to my phone glitters in the dim light.
“My first impression of you, Cade Owens, was awe.”
His jaw goes slack. I know I went overboard with my answer, but he has been so honest with me, I thought it was time I returned the favor.
Checking the clock, I start gathering my stuff. “It’s getting late. We should call it—”
“What are the odds you want to be with me?”
The file in my hand falls, landing on my foot. “What?”
“Just indulge me for a moment.” He’s on his feet before I can say no, rounding the desk and dropping onto his knees in front of me. “Answer one question for me.”
I stare down at him. “Okay?”
“Are you happy with your life?”
The question slaps me across the face. “What do you mean?”
“I’m asking if you’re happy, Shay. Do you feel fulfilled?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” My voice goes thin at the answer I’ve repeated so many times in my head. “I’m on track to have everything I want in my career.”
He chuckles. “That’s not what I’m asking you. Do you wake up in the morning and feel like your life couldn’t get any better? Do you feel like you’re living the life you want? Do you feel like there’s anything missing?”
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath. Achievement is what has driven me through my entire life. Happiness was fleeting, but success was forever. I assumed I’d be happy with success.
Until now.
My system has always worked. I followed the rules, studied hard, and fought for a great position at Permian. I keep things moving. I keep things sharp. I keep things successful. It’s kind of my thing.
But as I debate his question, the machine in my head kicks on, and the list begins to form. Every win I’ve accomplished flashes before my eyes. From this angle, the success looks more like armor rather than joy as I face the endless battle.
None of it sounds like happiness. It sounds like running.
Then I think about Cade and the way his voice softens when he calls me Agent Shay, even though he wants to say Shay baby.
About how honored I felt when dropped his impenetrable shield and confided in me for the first time.
About the way he held on to me in that tiny training room after being hit by a baseball.
About how this whole terrifying, beautiful partnership has split something open in me that I can’t tape shut anymore.
“I don’t know if I am,” I whisper. The words taste raw in my mouth. “I honestly thought happiness was what I’ve been chasing through career achievements this whole time.”
Suddenly, the truth claws up through my ribs, too big to hold anymore. I’ve known it since the moment he let me in.
“But I know this.” My voice breaks. “I’ve been happier in the last three months than I’ve been in years. Pretty much since the day you walked into Permian.”
There. It’s out. Shaky and unvarnished, but real.
“Then let’s start there.” The chair screeches as he drags it across the floor and presses his chest against my knee. “Tell me about the last three months. Every single part that made you happy.”
I’m hit with a wave of memories.
“I’ve spent more time with the girls in the last three months than I have in over a year.
” Cade’s smile encourages me to continue.
“I was so close to skipping my graduation party because Trevor gave me a mountain of work, but I’m so glad I went.
Jo taught me how to golf, and I’m going to miss her so much when she leaves for med school.
Adri went to a baseball game with me and made sure I kept my head up the entire time.
Mallory’s my literal soulmate, always picking up every phone call, no matter what time. ”
“You have great friends,” he says, squeezing my knee. “What else?”
“I made a friend at work. My first one ever.”
Cade’s eyes sparkle. “I’ve only talked to Andy a few times, but knowing you have someone at work who has your back makes me feel better.” His throat bobs as he leans in closer. “Anything else?”
If I’m going to do this, I have to put it all out there right now.
“We fixed things.” I pause. “For so long, I tried to push you away, but I can’t keep pretending that you don’t make me happy. I think we deserve another chance.”
With eyes full of desperate hope, his hands find mine. “What does that mean, Agent Shay?”
“That I don’t want to be your agent anymore. I want to be yours.”
Delicate kisses are pressed to my knuckles. “You trust me?”
“With every piece of me.”
Our pinkies entwine, yet he makes no move. “I need to know before I kiss you. This isn’t just getting me out of your system, right?”
I laugh. “I don’t think I could get you out of my system if I tried.”
He leans in until our noses brush. “I can’t tell you how long I’ve waited to hear you say those words, Shay baby.”
There’s nothing rushed or hurried about the way he kisses me, cupping my face as if he’s trying to make sure I’m real. It’s the sweetest kind of relief. Maybe it’s because we know this won’t be like our last kiss, stolen and desperate while pressed against a hotel door.
I choose this.
I choose him.
“Forever,” he mumbles against my lips. “You’re wondering how long we can do this.”