Chapter Thirty-Four #3
‘He turned to me, and he said, “ we figure it out ”. That was it, we figure it out! And I didn’t let go of his hand and we walked like that down the steps, through the terminal, into a cab, not wanting to let go of each other’s hand, not wanting to waste a second!
And it’s still like that, I just want to hold his hand while we figure it all out. ’
‘Well, I don’t know why I’m crying!’ Enya swiped at the tears that had gathered. It was a heartfelt admission on this night when emotions were already running high.
‘Because it’s beautiful,’ Iris acknowledged. ‘I trust him, Enya, without doubt, I trust him.’
‘This, this can’t be easy for either of you, Holly having a baby. It’s only been an idea up until now, but very soon, that baby will be a reality and it’s not going to be easy. But I think the strength of what you share is the key to making it all work.’
Iris handed Enya a mug of tea and the two walked into the sitting room, taking a seat at either end of the sofa, sharing a closeness both physically and mentally that she could not have envisaged when they first met.
‘If I had the choice, I would of course prefer that Aiden was not about to become a dad with another woman. I considered bolting when I found out. It was hard for me. But it boiled down to the most basic of things really, in that you can’t help who you fall in love with, right?
And I’d fallen in love with him, deeply, devotedly in love.
So, the only question I had to ask myself once the shock had subsided was, would I rather be with Aiden who was going to become a dad, or would I rather wave goodbye and walk away.
Did I want him, want us , at any cost or was him becoming a dad a cost too high to pay? ’
Enya sipped her tea.
‘It never felt like an option, not really. Not when I broke it down like that, because there’s nothing I wouldn’t sacrifice for him, even becoming a parent for the first time together, because that’s a milestone already reached for him.’
‘You’re not only smart, but very generous with your love, Iris.’
‘I guess I’ve seen my mum and dad up close for so long, I know how I want marriage to work for me.’
‘I think we all do that to a degree, my parents bicker constantly. I don’t think they have the first clue about how soul sapping it is to be around, how horrible for anyone in their company.’
‘I might prefer it!’ Iris gave a dry laugh.
‘The worst thing for me was the simmering, silent animosity between my mum and dad. Sometimes Mum would yell or make a comment, but most of the time they were quietly brooding, and the atmosphere was awful. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember. ’
‘They clearly both love you very much.’ She felt the need to offer the salve.
‘They do, I know that,’ Iris jumped in, ‘but it’s still horrible, knowing they both have this incredible capacity for love, for happiness, yet they just couldn’t make it work with each other.’
‘I think people find fulfilment in many ways, and maybe just because one area of their lives is less than perfect...’ She let this trail, feeling entirely uncomfortable at the topic, knowing she might have had a hand to play in Trish’s brooding of recent times that Iris had found so interminable.
‘When I was sixteen, my friend gave me these incredible shoes,’ Iris smiled at no more than the memory, ‘high heels, with an open toe and a dainty bar across the instep. I loved them. They’d been her mum’s and were a size five.
I’m a six, but my brain refused to accept that they did not and would never fit me.
I tried forcing them on to my feet, cut my foot actually.
I steamed them to stretch them. I dieted, thinking I might be able to shrink my feet.
I put plasters on my toes and tried to stuff them in.
I even sat one night with a pair of scissors. ’
‘You weren’t going to snip off a toe or two? No shoe is worth that!’
Iris laughed. ‘No, but I thought I might be able to make a few incisions in the leather to allow them to stretch, which of course would have ruined them entirely.’
Enya thought of that one night, the memory of which she had shared with Dominic: her Mallorcan adventure, when she had felt trendy and go-getting with the aid of her sister’s stolen silver platforms.
‘I got a bit obsessed until I woke up one day and realised there would be other shoes. I took them out of my wardrobe and put them in the charity shop in town. They went straight into the window, looking beautiful! And I remember feeling relief that the problem had gone away, but also good that someone else with size five feet would probably love them very much. It also made me think of my mum and dad, holding on to things that weren’t good for them, a relationship that wasn’t healthy.
Even then I could see that, like those shoes and my feet, they just didn’t fit. ’
Enya remembered the way it had felt to fall into Dominic’s arms, even if only briefly. The utter peace she had felt at the contact and the way they had fitted together perfectly.
‘So what do we know about your mum’s new man?’
‘Not much, he’s called Neil and likes running and yoga. That’s all I got.’
‘I’m pleased for her, Iris.’
‘Me too,’ she managed, before yawning. She placed the half-drunk mug of tea on the end table.
Enya grabbed the soft blanket from the arm of the sofa and spread it over the young woman’s legs, watching as she snuggled down and rested her head on the cushion, her eyes fluttering as the day and night caught up with her and sleep claimed her.
‘Sweetest dreams,’ she whispered, hoping the words might land in her ear.
Enya finished her tea and lay back on the sofa, resting her eyes, just for a second, so happy that she and Iris had shared this closeness and that her approach to the new baby meant it might just all work out after all...
When she came to and glanced at her phone, it was a quarter to five in the morning. Iris was deep in sleep. Not wanting to wake her, Enya carefully stood and closed the sitting-room door, before quietly creeping into the kitchen.
Frustratingly, she saw she had a missed call from Aiden an hour ago.
He hadn’t left a message. She was silently debating whether to call him back and risk interruption of any kind, and thinking about what might be best to text him, when she heard a faint tap on the front door.
She walked softly along the hallway, wanting to let Iris rest, before opening the door to her son, who had clearly been crying.
‘Darling!’
She opened her arms as Aiden stepped up into the hallway and let himself be held.
Enya’s heart raced, trying not to jump ahead, her gut a jumble of nerves as she tried to work out if they were happy or sad tears.
Eventually, he pulled away, wiped his face on the sleeve of his jacket and, following her lead, tiptoed into the kitchen.
Here, too, she quietly closed the door. Aiden spoke, instantly putting her out of her misery.
‘A little girl. We’ve got a little girl, Amelia Jennifer Enya Brown. Seven pounds, three ounces. Mother and baby are doing well.’
His words sounded a little rehearsed as they coasted out on a wave of pure emotion.
‘Oh, Aiden!’ Enya placed her hand over her mouth and tried to order the complex range of emotions, but delight at the fact her name would form part of this little girl’s identity was certainly right up there.
‘She’s beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Holly was amazing – I mean, really incredible.’
‘Were you with her?’
He nodded. ‘Didn’t think I would be, but it all felt very natural. She wanted me to go in and I’m glad I did. It was a privilege and wonderful and overwhelming and a million other things!’ His tears came again, and he pinched his nose.
‘What did Jenny and Phil say?’
‘Oh, they’re beside themselves, as you can imagine. Jenny was in the room with us, Phil was close by. When I left, he was holding Amelia.’
‘Amelia.’ She tested out the name that had already been used a couple of times, the name of a little person who had newly arrived on the planet, her granddaughter! It was surreal, she couldn’t wait to meet her, spend time with her! ‘I’m so excited!’
‘I wish Dad—’ He broke away, no need to expand on the words that she felt keenly.
‘I know.’ She closed her eyes for a second.
‘She’s got hair, Mum, lots of dark hair!’ He reached for his phone.
‘Oh my God! You took pictures!’ In the shock and surprise, she’d forgotten this would be a thing.
Aiden opened his phone and handed it to her, his smile wide as he flicked through, refreshing his memory with the images of his daughter.
Enya gasped. There she was. A tiny blanket-wrapped bundle of perfection with lots of dark hair and a tiny rosebud mouth.
‘You had hair like that.’ She sniffed.
‘Your hair!’ He laughed.
‘Yes!’ She smiled, knowing Amelia would likely spend her teenage years wrestling with her mop, before coming to love her wild hair in her twenties, when her confidence would bloom; hair that Jonathan had loved, and how he would have loved this little one.
‘I need to sit down.’ Aiden seemed to sway a little and took a seat at the kitchen table, where he put his elbows on the table and rested his head in his hands. ‘I’m exhausted.’
‘I bet you are. Do you want something to eat?’
‘No,’ he shook his head, ‘maybe later.’
Enya took the seat opposite him. ‘Iris is asleep on the sofa, you can either join her or go up to bed for a bit?’
‘I feel strange,’ he whispered.
‘You’re bound to.’
He looked up at her, his eyes tired and red, yet with a sparkle of delight to them. ‘I loved Amelia the moment I saw her, felt like I wanted to protect her always, want to be there for her.’
‘Yes, it doesn’t go away, that feeling.’
‘I’m trying to get it all straight in my head.’ Aiden bit his lip; blinking hard, he rubbed his eyes. ‘I love my wife,’ he whispered.
‘I know that.’ She reached out and briefly squeezed his arm.
‘But I love Holly too, how can I not? I’ve always loved her and now she’s given me Amelia,’ he gulped.
Enya felt her stomach jump, wondering where this was heading, fearing the turmoil his words might unleash. She stared at him, unwilling to offer comment until he had finished.
‘I love them both. But I don’t love Holly in the way that you need to for a marriage to work. I just don’t. Not in the way I love Iris.’
Love but not in love... a phrase that both Dominic and Trish had used in confidence.
‘Right.’ Enya exhaled, unaware that she’d been holding her breath.
‘Do you think it’s possible to love two people at the same time in two completely different ways?’ he asked, with so much hope it was quite moving.
Enya pictured Jonathan, her beloved husband, who would have so relished this day, Amelia Jennifer Enya Brown’s birthday!
And Dominic, who she still liked to picture the first time she saw him, in his jeans, navy long-sleeved T-shirt, and that beautiful song playing on his car stereo.
The words of which had taken on even more significance since Aiden and Iris’s wedding day.
‘I do, my love. I honestly do.’
‘Aiden!’ Iris called as she ran into the kitchen. ‘I didn’t hear you come back!’
Enya watched as he jumped up to embrace her.
‘What did we get?’ Iris asked, while gripping him tightly, and Aiden held the back of her head in his palm.
‘We got a little girl, Amelia, and she’s perfect.’
‘Of course she is.’ Iris kissed his face. ‘Congratulations, my love.’
Enya looked away, as if the interaction was not something she should be witnessing. Another life-altering minute that would shape this young couple, laying good foundations for a lovely future.
A knock at the front door drew them all.
‘It’s like Piccadilly Circus!’ She tried to lighten the atmosphere as she went to get the door.
Her heart thudded in anticipation when she saw that Phil was standing on the step.
‘Enya!’ he almost shouted, even though they were no more than feet apart, his grin wide, his hands joined together as if in prayer.
‘Oh, my Lord, you should see her! She’s beautiful!
Absolutely beautiful! A little smasher! And Holly was a bloody superstar.
I can’t believe she’s here! I’m a grandad! You’re a gran!’
‘Yes!’ She smiled. ‘I am.’
‘I’ve left Jen with the girls, she’s a wreck, of course! But what a day, Ens! What a day!’ Phil took a step inside, and Enya stood back to let him pass. ‘What would Jonathan make of all this, eh?’
‘He’d be over the moon, Phil.’
He reached out and placed his hand on her arm, the man who had been her husband’s good pal, her friend too, and who now saw the occasion of their granddaughter’s birth as a catalyst, an opportunity to turn back the clock.
A chance to recapture the closeness they had shared, to reach out the hand of love and friendship, and make sure that the safety net that would hold Amelia fast was strong and reliable.
A safety net that would be there for all of them, each holding a corner, with space enough for any of them to take a rest should the need arise.
‘I’ve got loads of photos!’ Phil took his phone from his pocket and made his way into the kitchen.
Aiden released Iris from his embrace and reached for her hand. ‘Phil, this is Iris.’
‘Pleased to meet you, love.’ Phil smiled directly at her, before turning to Enya. The interaction she had been quietly dreading was speedily done, over, and had passed without anguish. ‘He did good today. That boy of ours. He did really good.’
Enya swallowed the lump of emotion that had risen in her throat. There it was, confirmation that her son was back in the fold, forgiven, and with it, she felt the encircling arms of the street of her community around her, holding her tight. ‘Cup of tea, Phil?’
She went over to the kettle, glad of the diversion and the opportunity to gather herself, welcoming the three minutes it would buy her.
Phil studied the pictures on his phone and did his best to halt the tears that gathered. ‘Ooh yes please, Jen said she’d come straight here when she leaves the hospital.’
‘Right.’
She felt the rise of joy in her stomach, my friend is coming here... my very best friend...
‘Couple of rounds of toast wouldn’t go amiss, Ens!’ Phil shouted.
Enya laughed and went into the larder to fetch the bread.