Chapter Thirty-Five
Enya lay back in her bath and let the bubble-filled water warm her limbs.
There was something about a hot bath on a cold night that felt extremely indulgent and the most luxurious thing.
It had been quite a day. Aiden and Iris had left shortly before midday, heading home via the hospital so they could see Amelia.
She had worried about what the presence of Iris at the hospital might mean, concerned that the love and camaraderie that had wrapped them all that morning might only have been a hiatus as they were all swept up in the moment, and that in the cold light of calmness, Aiden’s welcoming back into the fold, and certainly his wife’s appearance, might have been a little less convivial.
The photographs that pinged repeatedly as they arrived on her phone allayed all of her fears.
There was Holly, holding her baby. She looked tired, but her expression was close to rapture; then another of Holly and Amelia with Aiden and Iris on either side.
One picture of Aiden holding his baby girl, gazing into her eyes, was the first she decided to have framed, and then another of Iris with her stepdaughter and a wide smile on her face, and finally one of Holly, staring at her daughter as if she had won the greatest prize.
The photos were lovely, more than she could ever have hoped for; they were in fact everything. She couldn’t wait for tomorrow when she got to meet Amelia for herself.
Jenny had arrived, walking slowly into the house, before the two women stood in the hallway wrapped in a warm and lingering embrace.
Each holding tightly on to the other, as if relieved to have found their anchor, something to hold on to when for the longest time they had been adrift.
It was only when they let each other go that Jenny smiled up at her. ‘Hello Nan.’
‘Hello Nan!’ she echoed.
Her phone, now resting on the sink, buzzed. It was no doubt Aiden, Phil or Jenny with a tiny update, not that she minded, any detail could feed her thoughts for hours. Stretching her arm, she managed to reach the phone. Without her glasses on, it was hard to make out the number.
‘Hello?’ she said as she lay back beneath the water, smiling, waiting to hear another breathless account of the little girl’s perfection, and her heart sang!
‘Enya, Enya, hi. It’s Dominic.’
She felt her body shudder at the sound of his voice, sending goose bumps across her skin. She sat up and leaned on the back of the bath. This the first contact they had had since their kids’ wedding day, when they had, after baring their souls, studiously kept out of each other’s way.
‘Oh, hello!’
‘It’s been a while.’ He kept his voice low, and she wondered where he was and if he was wary of being overheard, instantly wondering if he, like Trish, had found someone. The bile of envy tasted sour.
‘Yes, it has.’ She moved in the bath and the water sloshed around her.
‘Ah, forgive me, it seems I’ve interrupted you again as you’re making pasta!’ He laughed gently.
‘You have, actually.’ She smiled, delighted, and perturbed by how easily his words, his manner and any shared recollection pulled her into his thrall. How effortlessly they slipped into conversation.
‘I spoke to Iris; she tells me that congratulations are in order.’
‘Yes, a little girl, Amelia.’
‘Well, that’s all good. Have you seen her yet?’
‘No, tomorrow. Can’t wait.’ She felt her muscles tense in excitement at the prospect.
‘I bet. And Aiden and Iris seem to be handling it well, taking it in their stride.’ His words a reminder that they were joined together by these kids and would always be on the lookout for them.
‘I think they’re remarkable.’
‘Me too.’
‘And Holly, all three of them. It’s not an easy thing to navigate.’
There was a pause, as if both aware that when there were three with a vested interest, three people with a heart connection, it was often far, far from easy. It was as if now the pleasantries were out of the way, the conversation could turn to matters of a more personal nature.
‘How have you been?’ he asked softly.
They were four simple enough words and yet the answer was anything but. How had she been? She had been thoughtful, determined, proactive, busy, and happy!
‘I’ve been good, actually, better. No more panic attacks.’ She updated the one person she had confided in.
‘That’s good! Really, really good...’ He faltered. ‘You sound settled.’
‘I am,’ she answered with confidence. ‘Is everything okay, Dominic? I guess I’m just wondering about the reason for the call. Not that it isn’t lovely to hear from you, it is, but I can’t imagine you just calling to congratulate me on the birth of Amelia.’
‘No, not the only reason, you’re right, but it felt like a good opportunity. The real reason is, I wanted to tell you something.’
‘What did you want to tell me?’ She held the phone close her face, listening intently.
‘I wanted to tell you that Foula Girl is finished.’
‘Well, that’s, that’s really something. I know it’s been a labour of love for the longest time.’
‘She’s been more than that, actually. She’s been a lifeline, a distraction when I needed it most. Something to pour all my energies into, something that’s given me hope.’
‘I’m glad for you, Dominic, happy that you’ve had her to rely on.’ At a time when you were lonely and struggling, something I entirely understand...
It was her unspoken words that rang louder .
‘That’s the thing about a boat or car or a plane when it’s a restoration project, it’s not only about the hours you spend completing fiddly, time-consuming and sometimes utterly draining projects, it’s not even about the nights you spend dreaming about how she’ll look or what it will feel like to travel in her.
No, it’s much more than that. It’s about a promise, a promise of escape and the fact that the thing you’re lovingly investing your time in is the thing that will take you away from whatever it is you need to run from, whatever it is you’re trying to escape.
And that car or that boat, they become intrinsic to the plan, to your dream.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who tells Foula Girl what’s in my thoughts, what my plans are, she knows it all. ’
‘What are you trying to escape from?’ She asked the question already able to at least half guess at the answer.
‘My old life. The way I’ve been living for so long, the dissatisfying drudge.
I’ve told you before, I’m sick of running away from everything, sick of hiding, sick of everything being just about good enough.
Instead, I’m going to start running towards things, running towards the horizon.
Running towards my future. Running towards a life that I believe I’m owed!
A life I’m still young enough to enjoy.’
‘Well, I for one wish you nothing but success and happiness, Dominic. I hope you find what you’re looking for, and I hope all that running doesn’t tire you out so much that you don’t have time to enjoy the journey.’
A journey that I once thought I might take with you, oh lovely man. But one that I believe comes at a cost that is too high for our wonderful children to pay...
She heard the brief flare of his laughter and pictured him smiling in the way that he did, and her heart flexed at the memory of it.
‘Did you hear that Trish has met someone?’
‘Iris mentioned something. When did it... Is he... I mean, you don’t have to talk about it, don’t have to give me the details. It’s none of my business, after all, nothing to do with me.’ She wondered for whose benefit she had added the last sentence.
‘I want to talk to you about it. I want to give you the details, it’s important that you know.’
Enya listened intently as he quietly spoke words edged with emotion.
‘She’s seeing a guy she met online, met him not long after the kids’ wedding actually, but has kept things quiet, kept it to herself for obvious reasons.’
‘And how do you feel about it?’ She cringed, unsure if this was the right thing to ask. It felt like a loaded question.
‘I feel strangely sad, because it makes everything final. It takes us to that next phase, and an ending of anything is always a hard thing, even if it’s something you’ve longed for. Change isn’t easy for us humans.’
Enya made a murmur of agreement; wasn’t that the truth.
‘I feel happy too, because I want the best for her, she deserves happiness. It’s the new start we both need, the momentum we’ve been looking for.
He seems like a reasonable man; he makes her laugh and sounds solid and decent.
But there’s also this tiny bit of jealousy, which I know is ridiculous!
I don’t even know if I should be saying it out loud, but he’s going to live in the house I designed and built, and even though our marriage is dead in the water, she’s been my wife for a very long time.
She’ll always be the mother of my child, and so yes, a tiny sliver of jealousy. Is that odd?’
‘No, I think it’s honest.’ She liked his openness.
‘The point is, Enya, what I want to say is,’ he hesitated, ‘I’m going to run towards the life I want, and I want you to run towards it with me!’
She let out a burst of laughter, surprised, flattered and utterly unprepared for the sudden request. It was what he did, went from nought to a hundred with an enthusiasm that was infectious.
‘You want me to take your hand and you want us to figure it out...’
‘Yes! That’s exactly what I want. I’m launching Foula Girl in the next week or so and then I’m going.
I’m actually going! I can’t tell you how long this has been in the planning in my imaginings, and the fact that it’s arrived is like a dream come true.
I feel happy! But I know I’d be a whole lot happier if you were to come with me.
I think about you all the time, have done since the day in the car park. ’
Her second snort of laughter was almost a visceral reaction. He made her self-conscious and elated all at once.
‘Please, Enya, please just say yes, lock up the house, let someone look after Pickle, pack a small bag and come and jump on this boat with me, come and jump on this adventure with me!’
‘Sail off into the sunset.’ He made it sound so simple, when the reality was anything but; how on earth would Aiden and Iris react?
And what of the life she had built here, her new job, feeling more at ease in her neighbourhood, the ebb of her paralysing grief for Jonathan, and now the chance to rebuild bridges with Jenny and Phil.
She smiled to think how far she had come since the dark days of panic and fear at what the future might hold, not to mention the arrival of Amelia.
‘Yes! Sail off into the bloody sunset, why not?’
‘Because...’ Enya took her time, knowing her words were some of the hardest she would ever have to deliver, knowing that to speak her truth meant hurting someone who was very important to her, someone who had the potential, in fact, to be everything, ‘because Holly has just had a baby. Because Aiden and Iris are newly married. Because I have responsibilities to these people and because I love my home, love my life!’
‘What, and you can’t dispense your wisdom from a boat?
You can’t be on the end of a line twenty-four-seven to answer any queries or be there with words of encouragement?
You can’t do that while at the same time finding your own path to happiness?
It sounds a lot like self-imposed martyrdom when you put it like that. ’
‘And when you put it like that, Dominic, it lets me know that you don’t truly understand my role here.
Yes, I can be on the end of a phone, but that won’t help when Holly needs a babysitter or to escape from her parents or to take a moment of rest. Yes, I can dispense wisdom to Aiden down the phone, but it won’t let me look in his eyes and understand that what he’s saying and what he’s feeling are very often not the same two things.
Our kids are young and fresh and trying to figure so much out.
I need to be here. More than that, I want to be here! I really do!’
‘I think, Enya Brown, that you and I could be one of the great love stories. I think we could make each other incredibly happy for the rest of our lives and these kids on this new adventure – that’s the short term. They won’t always need you in the way that you see it, not like they do now.’
‘Then I guess I’ll have to rethink my life as I go along, won’t I, and I’m prepared to do that, Dominic.’
My hand firmly on the tiller . . .
‘And I wonder where I’ll be then. Wherever it is, know that I’ll be thinking of you.’
The way he softly whispered this made her wonder if he had said this aloud or whether she’d actually imagined it.
‘Right, I have to go, Dominic, I have to go.’ The weight of his words fell heavily on her shoulders; she had heard enough.
‘I’ll think about you, Enya. I’ll think about you often. Every time I see a perfect sunset, every time I wake to a crimson dawn on a day full of promise, I will know that the only way it could be bettered was if you were by my side. I think I could love you, love you deeply...’
Enya held her breath. He had said it, broken the boundary, smashed the glass and let the words fly high above them, from which there was no going back.
‘It’s you and me, Enya B, us against the world!’
‘Actually no, that’s,’ he sounded a little angry, frustrated, ‘I know I could love you. I know it, and the fact that we can’t be together for whatever reason, whatever blocks you’re putting in our way, feels like the cruellest punishment.’
Enya could barely speak. He didn’t get it, didn’t understand the havoc such a love, were it allowed to flourish, would wreak on their children!
It was a complication she could not, would not bring to their door.
His words, however, she would replay when she woke on a cold winter’s morning and pictured him staring at a perfect sunset or waking to the crimson dawn on a day full of promise.
‘Goodbye, Dominic.’ Her voice no more than a scratched whisper, clawing its way from her distressed throat. ‘Goodbye...’