Chapter 34 Balancing the Scales
Balancing the Scales
We drove home in silence, Daire’s anxiety hanging palpably between us. Holding my hand tightly, his thumb stroked along my wrist every so often as if to remind us we were both still here.
Still us.
It wasn’t until we were inside that I broke the silence.
“That’s why Hawkley is weird with you.”
He nodded. “That’s why Hawkley is weird with me.”
I swallowed. How much did I want to know. “What—” I cleared my throat. “Did you sleep with her?”
His mouth fell open. “What? No!” He took a deep breath.
“I’m going to tell you everything. I want this thing to be fully transparent between us.
I took her out for coffee after the Christmas party.
I told her she deserved better than to be treated like a secret.
” He swallowed hard, his eyes trained on mine.
“I told her I’d never treat her like that if she was mine. That’s all.”
If she was mine.
I shuddered at his words. “So, you wanted her to be yours.”
“At the time, yes.”
I spun away.
But his voice, steady and strong, continued.
“And when she said she was Hawk’s, I backed off.
Happy to be friends. Do you think that would ever happen with you?
Do you think I could walk away from you and be friends?
Harley, if we fell apart, which I’m telling you right now is not a fucking option, I could never be your friend.
The only thing you’d see is a puff of smoke as I left town.
I couldn’t bear to see you with someone else. ”
I wanted to run away from the shame and hide my face.
But I was frozen in place. I crossed my arms around my waist and dipped my chin to my chest.
The logical part of my brain argued this was not a big deal.
So why did it feel like such a fucking tragedy?
“The first time Hawk warned me off was at the barbecue. I thought he was half-joking, but when I was looking for you on Hunter’s death day, he was extra hostile.
I didn’t pay it much attention because of what day it was.
He told me to leave you alone. Made some comment about Noelle which I can’t honestly remember because I was hell-bent on getting to you and didn’t care about anything else. ”
“A week or so later, he warned me not to hurt you. Then, after seeing fucking Natalia throw herself at me at the fundraiser, he warned me off entirely. Obviously, I didn’t listen.
I was clear with him about my intentions every time.
Even asked Max to vouch for me. For whatever reason, he couldn’t let it go until I told you I had a passing interest in Noelle. ”
I angled my head toward him slightly. “But you didn’t,” I said softly.
He answered just as softly, “Can you blame me?”
I turned and looked at him with narrowed eyes, my arms held out beside me. “Was it worth it? To keep that from me just so I wouldn’t get mad?”
His eyebrows rose and his head jutted forward.
“Mad? You think I was worried about you getting mad? Be as mad as you want. Yell, scream, throw something. I don’t care.
I was worried you would think you were second best. And I was right.
” He sighed and ran his hands through his messy hair.
“I hoped that by the time you found out you’d feel clear through to the center of your perfect soul what you mean to me. And that it wouldn’t matter.”
“It matters,” I retorted.
He crossed his arms and stood firm. “Only if you let it, Harley. Believe the lies you tell yourself or be happy in the truth. I can’t make you choose.”
I wrapped my arms around myself tightly.
What to believe?
“Let’s go to bed.”
My eyes snapped angrily to meet his.
“Don’t worry, Harley,” he responded drily. “I know that’s off the table.” He closed his eyes, his face pained. “Let’s just, please, sleep. I need to hold you. I can’t get the look on your face in the kitchen out of my head.”
In bed, my back so tightly packed against his chest I couldn’t tell where he ended and I began, I blinked into the darkness.
“Daire?”
“Yes, little one?”
“Does your mom know about Noelle?”
“No.”
“When did you first tell her about me?”
He answered with a smile in his voice. “When you called me a sanctimonious arse.” He paused. “I was furious at the Christmas party because of the way Paul treated you. And when I saw you at Max’s, it was all I could think about.”
“But you were interested in Noelle at that point.”
“I was.” I felt him nod. “And I was still furious. Funny, I wasn’t angry with Noelle and Hawkley’s situation. But Paul? I wanted to pound him into the ground.”
I wiggled closer.
He chuckled. “You like that. Might as well hand in your feminist card right now.”
“Two things can be true at the same time,” I answered smugly.
His voice lowered with a promise. “I’ll always fight for you, Harley. I’ll always fight for us.”
“I was so afraid something like this would happen. It didn’t seem possible that I might be your first choice. When I reached the point of no return, I told you I wasn’t the girl for you.”
“Can’t leave you alone when you’re the point to everything.”
“Smooth. Very smooth,” I teased lightly, beginning to feel better about my place with him.
“It’s true.”
I sighed deeply. “I feel so ashamed.”
“Why?”
I shrugged. “They are always telling me how beautiful I am, what a great catch I am, but as soon as a man like you shows interest, they all think it’s fake. Hunter never treated me like that.”
He softly brushed the tips of his fingers through the hair at my temples. “I’m not going to argue on their behalf, you’ll have to confront them yourself to get their truth.” His lips brushed the nape of my neck. “Tell me more about Hunter.”
“He had so many ideas.” A painful lump rose in my throat. “Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve saved him a seat at the table?”
Daire’s body jerked slightly behind me then he gathered me closer. “It’s been a while. Does that upset you?”
“I don’t want to forget him. He was crazy and wonderful and a massive, massive pain in the ass. The things he did…” My voice petered off. “He made to-do lists every year, and every year he included things he wanted to do for us.”
Daire murmured soothingly in my ear. “Like what? Give me some examples.”
“He sourced out Hawkley’s dream car so Hawkley could restore it.
“Secured funding for the resort’s golf course repairs. Anonymously. Hawk found out it was him when he went through Hunter’s things.
“He believed in me. Told me to aim high. Not to take no for an answer. To believe in myself. He ran interference for me with Mom and Dad all the time when they worried something was too much for me.”
The next memory made me smile. “He instigated The Amazing Lawn Tractor Race down Main Street. We wanted to go see this movie and mom wouldn’t take us as punishment for some other transgression. He organized a betting pool, and we made enough money to go see it.”
My voice thickened and I laughed through my tears.
“It was also the night of The Great Snowmobile Heist. Dad damn near killed both of my brothers. We snuck the snowmobiles out. I let go of Hunter on a turn, tumbled off, and sprained my ankle. I’ve never seen Dad so angry before or since.
Oh, God, we were so naughty with our secret missions! ”
“Tell me more about these missions.”
A watery smile spread across my face. “Do you know about The Portal to Hell? When we were young, Mom gave my office to me and Noelle, and gave the boys the one next door. Hunter didn’t like us being separated so the boys dug a hole clear through the drywall.
Once they broke through, Noelle and I helped widen it from our side. ”
Daire’s chuckle warmed me.
“The Great Cotton Ball Mystery.” I laughed.
“FYI: A wet cotton ball will freeze to anything. We spent hours sticking them all over Mom’s van.
And she had to drive to Mistlevale first thing in the morning.
She was so mad, but the momobile never looked so good.
We got so many extra chores for that. And those were aside from the hours spent in the garage with a hair dryer melting the damn things off.
“Oh my God! I forgot about Operation Get Clucked!” I began to laugh in earnest. “He ‘borrowed’ chickens from Old Man Gilley. That man would do anything for Hunter. He tagged each chicken with a number: 1/5, 2/5, 4/5, and 5/5. The school was in utter chaos for the entire day trying to locate the third chicken that didn’t even exist! ”
Daire’s chest reverberated with laughter against my back.
“This one was sad. Operation Flounder was a major fail on our parts. We filled the swimming pool with ten cent goldfish from the pet store. We didn’t know the chlorine would kill them. Hunter cried for weeks. He was at least fourteen or fifteen when it happened, but he was devastated.”
“Tender-hearted like his sister.”
At this point, I didn’t even try to deny it.
“I already told you about him borrowing the keys to the carousel. He loved that carousel. Mom had to take him every day when he was little. Old Man Gilley loved him to death.” My voice hitched on a sob.
“You saw the plaque on our horse. I told you about his will.”
He hugged me closer. “He was an amazing man.”
“Yes,” I sobbed, my next words near incoherent but I hoped he understood. “He didn’t get Hawkley a key. Just me. We used to go there in the middle of the night. Just the two of us. He said he wanted me to always be able to get to it even if he wasn’t around.”
“That carousel means a lot to you.”
“It means everything to me.”
His broad palm stroked the length of my back. “That’s why it was so hard to go back to it.”
“Yes. But now I think I’ll just pitch a tent and live there. Stage a protest so they can’t take it down,” I joked wetly.
The pendulum of my emotions swung wildly, fairly threatening me with whiplash.
“And what would Hunter say about you?”
Ten years of regret, remorse, and anguish erupted with a single, garbled, confession. “That I should have picked up the phone.”
For a millisecond his body went rigid then he curled around me tighter. “Now we’re getting to the crux of it all, little one. When did you not pick up the phone?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. The only other person who knew about this was Christine. And she wasn’t here anymore. There was literally no one else on earth who knew my deepest regret.
My greatest failure.
Maybe this was the wake-up call Daire needed.
“The day Hunter died, I was hanging out with Noelle. He texted me on my cell, but I was having fun with Noelle and muted him. An hour later, the police showed up at our door.”
“Oh, fuck,” Daire breathed.
I swallowed. “That’s not all. The reason he texted me was because Mom asked me and him to go into Mistlevale to pick up her order.
He texted to tell me he was ready to go but could handle it himself if I didn’t feel like going.
” My throat thickened. “Said if he heard from me within the next ten minutes, he’d swing by and pick me up.
” My chest tightened mercilessly as I choked out the words. “I didn’t even answer him.”
Regret forged in the blackest depths of sorrow erupted from my belly. The sounds they ripped from my throat were guttural, ugly, and buried for far too long.
Daire rocked me back and forth, his face pressed to the nape of my neck, nonsensical murmurings in my ear.
“Harley, baby,” Daire whispered, his voice strained. “Do you honestly think Hunter would have wanted for you to be in that car with him?”
“No. But if he picked me up, he wouldn’t have been at that intersection at that moment. If I’d even taken a second to answer, he wouldn’t have been at that intersection. And if it had to have been someone, it should never have been him. He was the best of all of us.”
“Harley,” he whispered. “Thank you for sharing your pain with me.”
I hiccoughed. “You’re not going to try to make me feel better?”
He pressed his face into my hair. “I promised I wouldn’t.”
Whoever said confession was good for the soul was onto something. I felt lighter. And the fact he accepted what I did without trying to whitewash it helped.
“I found out a couple of months ago that he had decided he was going to marry Noelle. That’s why Hawk pushed her away even though he was in love with her. They had a fight over her right before the car accident.”
“Let me get this straight. Hawkley stayed away from the love of his life because he argued with Hunter right before his death? And you’ve been living in purgatory for a decade because you dipped out of a chore?”
“It’s not his fault.”
“No. It’s not. But it’s a testament to how much he meant to both of you that you lived in that kind of hell all these years.”
“I miss him.”
“I get that. But I’ve gotta ask. How do you think Hunter feels about how you’ve all been living?”
“Devastated. But you promised you wouldn’t try to make me feel better.”
“Remember that when you hear what I have to say next.”
I took a shuddering breath. “Do I want to hear this?”
He wrapped his hand around my throat and stroked my pulse, a move that never failed to settle me.
“You’re not honoring him, Harley. You’re not even remembering him the way he deserves to be remembered. This may sound harsh, but you’re wallowing in your own guilt because that’s what makes you feel better.”
I stiffened. “How can you say that? Do I look like it makes me feel better?”
“No. But it satisfies your need to balance the scales just a tiny bit, doesn’t it.”
“I’m punishing myself,” I replied quietly.
“You are. And it’s not doing any good for anybody. Least of all, Hunter. How would he want you to remember him?”
I gulped down a breath. “Not like this. But he always wanted what was best for me, whether I deserved it or not. Who was looking out for him, Daire? We always just assumed he was fine. Always laughing. Always joking. Always the life of the party, but I--”
I gripped his forearm tightly, my hands shaking.
He cuffed my wrists and breathed into my ear. “Easy, baby.”
My body relaxed into his hold. I took a deep breath. “I knew better. I knew he got overwhelmed. I knew his emotions rode him hard. And I should have been there for him like he’d always been there for me.”
“Yes. Maybe you should have been there. But the accident was just that: an accident. If that didn’t happen, you not answering his text would have been no big deal.”
“Well, fate had other plans,” I answered bitterly.
He nodded against me. “She dealt you a raw hand. You’re playing it as best you can.”
“I’ve done some good,” I whispered.
“You have.”
My eyes stung, my throat throbbed, and my chest ached. “I need to think this through.”
“Sleep, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”