Chapter 35
Details
Tiny hammers worked diligently on the nerves behind my eyes. Laying as still as possible, I alerted Daire of the incoming migraine.
He called into work, tucked me back into bed, plied me with painkillers and caffeine, then proceeded to field the multitude of phone calls and texts from Hawk, Max, and Noelle.
In the afternoon, when the pain had dissipated, I woke again to find him sitting on the side of our bed.
“Your family is going to call in the feds if you don’t show your face. I think my picture’s already been posted on America’s Most Wanted.”
I laughed weakly.
He continued, “They’ve been texting. And calling. And threatening to come over. I’m not sure I can hold them off much longer.”
His eyes were tired.
And worried.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t like seeing you at odds with them. They’re your family. They’ll be my family, too. And I’ve already done enough damage.”
I reached out a hand for his. “You want to drive me to Hawk and Noelle’s?”
After a quick shower, he cajoled me into eating a late lunch before setting out.
Rain splattered the windscreen forcing the wipers to work double-time. It was the kind of day you lit candles, nursed a cup of hot chocolate, and cuddled up on the couch with a blanket and a good book.
It was not the type of day you confronted your brother and your best friend for keeping a stupid secret that ended up humiliating you in front of your significant other and your other best friend.
Who was next on the rounds for confrontation.
“Are we okay?”
I sat in the passenger seat of Daire’s car, my hand clasped in his, as we made our way to Hawk and Noelle’s.
I’m the safest place you’ll ever be.
“Yes. I’m not going to lie and tell you there’s not a niggling doubt in my mind, but I’ll adjust.”
“Please…just don’t make it something it wasn’t.”
“Believe me, I don’t want to.”
“What can I do to reassure you?”
I shrugged. “Nothing. It’ll just become something I’ll have to get used to.”
“I’ve been in touch with Max all these years.
He’s told me so much about Noelle that I felt like I knew her already.
I knew she’d had a difficult time. When I met her again, she was just as sweet and goofy as I remembered.
I felt comfortable and at peace with her.
I didn’t feel that pressure to be more.”
“Please, Daire. I really don’t need details.”
“I think you do. Because with you, right from the beginning, I was bowled over by one emotion after another. As soon as I saw you at your staff Christmas party, I was enthralled. So much sass in such a curvy, little package.”
His brows lowered. “And then Paul was a prick to you, and I wanted to pummel him. I’m not naturally given to violence, but, because it was just Mom and me for so long I think I’m naturally protective of women, so I put it down to that.”
He glanced at me and smiled nervously. “Listening to you laugh that day we had pizza at Noelle’s, endeared you to me. There was nothing I wanted more than to tell one more story to hear you laugh again. Then sparring with you at Max’s house excited me more than anything had in a long time.”
He smiled wider and squeezed my hand. “But I knew you’d be a good girl under all that feistiness.”
I snorted and huffed out a laugh.
“Harley, after you said you were breaking up with Paul, I followed up with Max to make sure you did.”
“Really?”
“Truly. I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind since then. I didn’t date anyone else, and every opportunity I had to come out to visit, I took. Since I moved here in July, I’ve tried to be wherever you were. Including stalking you on the beach.”
I laughed.
This was clearly a me issue and not a him issue.
“Think about it. Has there been a single instance since July when I haven’t been clear about my intentions with you?”
“No.”
“No,” he repeated irritably. “And I didn’t feel any of those things for Noelle.
She is a good woman. She was a possibility.
There are thousands of possibilities for every person.
I’m not saying it never would have worked between us, maybe it would have.
But the way I felt about her was not even a fraction of what I felt for you.
I don’t want to kiss her, hold her, fuck her, or marry her. ”
“Daire!”
“I’m not going to make the same mistake I have with you in the past. I’m going to be very clear with you. There is no part of me that wants her in any way other than friendship. You, however, are everything to me. You have been since you called me a sanctimonious arse.”
“Ah, but,” I answered quietly, “you’re my sanctimonious arse.”
His voice was tight. “Are we okay?”
“Yes, baby. We’re great.”
He flattened my palm over his thigh and covered my hand with his. “That’s my good girl,” he exhaled softly.
I guffawed. “Going to make you work for that tonight.”
Slanting me a dark look, he promised, “It’ll be my extreme pleasure.”
Pulling into Hawk’s long driveway, I asked Daire to give me ten minutes to talk to them on my own considering the last time we were here Daire threatened to burn the world down and carried me out like a baby koala.
Hawkley opened the door wide when I reached the top of the path. “I’m glad you’re here. We need to talk.”
“That would explain why I’m here,” I answered drily. “Where’s Noelle? She should be here for this as well. This way I only have to say it once.”
I gathered my thoughts as we settled in Hawk and Noelle’s family room.
“I made soup,” Noelle blurted. Face blotchy with red-rimmed eyes, she looked almost as rough as I did. “My mom’s recipe. And cheese buns. Your mom’s cheese buns.”
I looked at her incredulously. Did she think I came for soup?
“It’s tradition,” she continued. “The Great Veggie Bake-Off begins November 1st.”
Hawk put a reassuring hand on her knee.
“You can take yours to go if you don’t want to stay.” She sniffed. “But I hope you’ll stay. We’re so sorry, Harley. We handled this all wrong from the beginning. There were a hundred times I could have told you, but I didn’t.”
I nodded slowly, taking her in. There was no doubt she was sorry, but I needed to say my piece.
“The worst part wasn’t that you kept such a stupid, insignificant detail from me.
” The part of me still struggling to believe it was small and insignificant winced at those words, but I carried on.
“The worst part was that it wasn’t insignificant in your eyes.
You couldn’t believe Daire could be interested in me in any way other than as a consolation prize. ”
I vaguely registered the shocked looks on their faces but carried on.
“I’ve always been second best. Last chosen for the team. Deemed too small, too slow, or too young. I’m used to being undermined and dismissed. Just not by you.”
Both of them opened their mouths to speak but I held up a hand to ask them to let me finish.
“When you all reassured me that I was beautiful, worthy, and deserving of an epic love story, I believed you meant it. Knowing you think about me no differently than anybody else? That’s what made me feel so ashamed. That’s what hurts the most.”
I took a steadying breath. “Maybe you should take some time to rethink just how you see me. I assure you, I’m not the same girl you all walked away from ten years ago. And I won’t shrink myself down to fit into the role you remember me playing.”
I swallowed the pain of their betrayal. “Hunter was the only person in my life who never made me feel like I wasn’t enough. And now Daire gives that to me.”
Hawkley sat forward, elbows braced on his knees, his hands loosely linked between his knees, stormy eyes soft.
“I always thought Hunter pushed you too hard,” he began slowly, his voice gruff.
“I was forever telling him to ease off. You were so tiny, but you pushed yourself to keep up with not one, but two older brothers. You never stopped to consider that you couldn’t do something.
Which scared me at times if I’m honest.”
He tapped the tips of his fingers together and swallowed hard. “There’s a lot to unpack. First of all, I’m so sorry I withdrew from you. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. And it wasn’t deserving.”
“But it was understandable,” I murmured.
He nodded perfunctorily. “It was never, ever, a consideration that you weren’t good enough for him, or that you were a consolation prize. You are the prize. It’s him I thought wasn’t good enough for you.
“He moved into town, had intentions toward Noelle, then turned around and literally swept you off your feet.” He snorted.
“I’ve watched you eat shit your whole life because of certain people in this community.
You never deserved it. You’ve always risen above it and carried on.
I worried he was one of them. I didn’t want him to break your heart. ”
“You couldn’t fathom how he’d ever want me?”
“No.” He shook his head adamantly. “It’s much, much simpler than that.
I just wanted you to have all the facts before you gave him your heart.
You’re my baby sister. You just got out of a bad relationship, and I didn’t trust Daire.
Probably wouldn’t trust anybody if I’m to be completely honest with you.
And if I think I need to protect you, I will. ”
Hawkley stood and pulled me to my feet, then curved his big body around mine. “At least I like Daire,” he muttered crossly. “I hated Paul.”
I huffed out a laugh and placed my ear over his heart, closed my eyes, and squeezed him tight. I didn’t want conflict between us. I’d only just gotten him back.
I’d cried so much the day before, my insides were drier than the Gobi Desert.
Thank God.
I hated crying in front of people.
“I’m so sorry I embarrassed you,” he murmured. “It never once crossed my mind that you would think you weren’t good enough.”
“Are you still worried?” I asked.
His chuckle rumbled through his chest. “After the caveman performance? Not the tiniest bit. Where is he?”
“I asked him to wait outside for me.”
His arms tightened around me. “I’m going to go talk to him. Apologize for the way I went about everything. But I can’t take back the fact that I believe he should have told you.”
I nodded. “He should have. But I probably wouldn’t be with him if he had.
Certainly, we wouldn’t be where we are now.
Theoretically, I’m pissed.” I shrugged and smiled wryly.
“However, I can’t fault his logic. I promise you, he makes me happy.
And I’m not sure I would have given him half a chance had I known. ”
“If you’re happy, I’m happy for both of you.” Releasing me with a kiss to the top of my head, he headed for the door.
I turned back to Noelle.
“Where does that leave us?” she asked, nervously twisting the ends of her hair.
This was almost harder. She’d been gone for over a decade, and since she’d been back, she’d lied to me twice.
Trust did not come easily for me in the first place, but Noelle? I’d trusted her implicitly. As if it was part of my DNA.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
She smiled nervously. “Unlike Hawkley, I do know how you think. Twice I began to tell you, but you were already putting yourself down, telling me you weren’t his type, and I so badly wanted him for you.
” She tapped her own temple, her hand visibly trembling.
“I know how you think, Harley. Five years with Paul installed a lot of malicious software in your brain. When Max told me how serious Daire was, I didn’t want to sabotage your chance with him just because he asked me out before you were even an option. ”
“I don’t need to know any details,” I interrupted shortly.
She shook her head rapidly. “There aren’t any.
Remember when Daire called you on how you were letting Paul treat you?
” She shrugged. “It was like that. And that’s all it ever was.
” Her eyebrows shot up and she laughed. “There was certainly no caveman behavior like he exhibits with you. I mean, the man has devolved to Neanderthal status now on more than one occasion.”
I tried to smile but the fear of being second choice had not quite dissipated.
Nor had the fear of being replaced.
Upgraded.
“Are you attracted to him?”
“No. But I do think he’s attractive. I also think my brother is attractive, but I’m not attracted to him either. Your dad is really hot for his age—"
I worked to quell my smile. “You should probably stop.”
“Yeah…stop while I’m ahead…”
I snorted. “You sailed past that marker when you brought up my dad.”