Chapter 36
If
The first few minutes were awkward.
To say the very least.
But by the time we moved onto our second bowl of soup, and Daire elicited a promise from me to make more cheese buns, we all settled.
Baby cuddles with Hunter certainly didn’t hurt.
Max called to say he was in town and asked us to meet him at The Beanery.
As soon as Daire and I reached the table, Max stood and enfolded me in a hug.
“I’m sorry, Harley. I was caught in the middle and didn’t know what to do.
When I thought it through and believe me when I tell you I really thought it through, I decided to keep it to myself.
I worried you’d write him off along with a legitimate chance at happiness for both of you. ”
He released me and sat down.
His face drawn, he continued, “Paul did a number on you. These past ten years you’ve breezed past every goal you’ve ever set. In only one area of your life did you struggle, and that was with men. Paul wasn’t your only bad choice, but he was the longest-lasting one.”
“Don’t you think I should have been given all the facts to make up my own mind? I’m a grown woman and finding out you were all keeping this secret is embarrassing.”
He chewed his lip. “Yes. Absolutely.” He laughed, his sweet dimple marking his stubbled cheek, and rubbed a hand over his hair. Throwing a grin at both of us, he declared, “I blame Daire.”
Daire chuckled and nodded. “I put you in a bad spot. I’m sorry about that, bud. I’m also forever grateful.”
Max studied me seriously. “He made a good case, Harley. He worried, rightfully so, that his passing interest in Noelle would throw you. He didn’t want anything to screw up his chances with you.
I have to say, I thought he’d get to know you and then let you know before things progressed.
I didn’t expect him to go after you like a wrecking ball. ”
I smiled at Daire who looked on unrepentantly. “So far today you’ve been called a caveman and a wrecking ball. What do you have to say to that?”
He sat back and smiled easily. “If the shoe fits.”
When Max headed out, we walked to Beach Buns, picked up a carton of their famous chili with a fresh bag of cheese buns, which Daire couldn’t get enough of, and returned home.
I mused over Hawkley, Noelle, and Max’s words. Was it possible I was wrong, and they didn’t think of me the way…the way… The realization hit me, was it possible they didn’t think of me the way I thought about myself?
Over the next few days, Daire and I fell back into our regular routine, but my brain was working overtime.
Thursday afternoon, my mom knocked on my office door. “Are you busy? May I come in?”
My head snapped up. “Of course, Mom. Take a seat.”
Closing the door carefully behind her, she pulled up a chair.
“Uh oh,” I murmured. The last time she came to my office and closed the door, things got heavy.
“Mhm,” she hummed. “Are you and Daire coming to dinner tonight?”
“Yes,” I nodded definitively.
“Are things settled between all of you now?”
“I’d say so,” I answered slowly.
“Do you want to share?” she asked softly.
I tapped my pen on my desk. “Turns out Daire asked Noelle out before she and Hawkley were public.”
“Okay…did they date?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“I can see that it might be awkward for a bit if they had dated, but if they didn’t, what’s the problem?”
Tears sprang to my eyes. “For fuck’s sake,” I hissed as I wiped them away.
“Harley,” she exclaimed. “What is it?”
“I don’t want to be second best.”
“Baby, when have you ever been second best?” She laughed incredulously. “You’ve been head of the pack since you were an itty-bitty wee thing.”
“Then why do I feel like I’m second best? Like everyone doubts me?”
“Explain to me what you mean.”
“All right,” I began slowly. “You and Dad doubt every idea I’ve ever had.”
“Go on.”
“I wasn’t an official member of the swim team because I didn’t meet the aesthetics.”
“I remember that.” Her lips tightened.
“The boys only wanted me to get to Noelle.”
“Yes. That was a problem,” she acknowledged.
“Paul was constantly on me to exercise. Then tells me he doesn’t believe in marriage only to turn around and get engaged within a few months.”
This time her lips pressed so tightly together, they formed a flat, white line.
“And Noelle, Hawk, and Max hid the fact that Daire asked her out first. And I feel like they couldn’t believe a man like him could be interested in a girl like me.” I paused. “Though I might be wrong about that last bit.”
“Is there anything else?”
I threw up my arms. “That’s it!”
She sat quietly; her chin angled downward.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?”
“I’m thinking,” she murmured. “Give me a minute.”
We sat staring at each other across my desk.
Finally, she tilted her head. “You’re right about Dad and me. We doubted you. A lot.”
Hearing her confirm that crushed me and validated me both.
“The rest of the stuff, being second best, being passed over by the boys, those things happened in your formative years. And honey, that shit sticks. I hate to say this, but Paul is a prick. More than once, I’ve had to hold your father back. Never mind the teeth marks on my own tongue.”
“Ugh,” I grunted. The fact my parents knew how he treated me made it somehow worse.
“There’s this crazy, somewhat dysfunctional institution called a family where everybody plays a different role. And I think sometimes we get stuck in those roles. Living in a small town works much the same way. But, I wonder, do you think the only one who sees you the way you’re describing is you?”
“Oh, you think I’m imagining it?”
“No, but I think things have changed over the past decade, and maybe you just haven’t caught up.
For example, Dad and I are ready to hand over the reins to you within the next couple of years.
We were going to start talking to you about it in the new year.
We don’t want to force it on you, but we’re ready to retire.
And you’re more than ready to take it over if you want it. ”
My mouth fell open.
“We’re naturally more cautious than you are. At first, granted, we didn’t know if you could handle the extra projects you wanted to take on. But you’ve proven yourself more than capable again and again. I’m so sorry we did not communicate that to you sooner.”
“I want it.”
She offered a tiny smile. “Well, okay then. It’s yours. What other roles do you think you’re stuck in?”
“What do you mean?” The way she looked at me made me squirm.
“What other roles are you hanging onto? Bench-warmer? Bratty little sister? Grieving sister? Second best?”
“All of the above,” I admitted.
She nodded. “It makes sense. You were a bench warmer. At times, you were a bratty little sister. You are a grieving sister. You were passed over by the boys, your ideas were dismissed, and you were last chosen for the team.
“But they’re just roles you’ve played from time to time.
“Those roles are vignettes. But you are more than the roles you have played. You are the whole story.”
She leaned forward, her gaze intent.
“Some of these you’ve left behind as you grew up, at least on the outside.
And there are things that you’ve brought with you that have made you the amazing woman you are today.
But all of it is part of your story. You have to own it.
And when you do, you’ll see, you’ll be able to see yourself in whatever role you want. ”
She sighed. “You have a man who thinks you’ve hung the moon. And you think you’re second best? Second choice? Maybe you need to see yourself the way you are now instead of viewing yourself through the lens of your wounds.”
I sat with my eyes wide on her face, her words tumbling around in my brain. Was it possible? Was it possible I saw myself a certain way and assumed everyone else did as well?
“Dad and I, we see you. You’re poised on the edge of something beautiful. And we’re worried you’re not going to allow yourself to have it. For the love of God, Harley, why?”
My lips turned to wood.
I had the strangest sense I’d been in this exact place before, poised on the edge of a moment that had the potential to shatter everything.
As the truth was wont to do.
“Hunter texted me the day he died.”
Mom visibly jerked in her chair; her attention riveted to my face.
I closed my eyes briefly. She was going to hate me.
“He told me he was on his way to Mistlevale for supplies and asked if I wanted him to pick me up.” My lips trembled. I stared over her shoulder, unable to meet her eyes. “We were supposed to go together. I ignored his text because I was having a good time with Noelle.”
Tears streamed down my face.
“That’s why,” she breathed. “That’s the reason—”
“—he died. Yes,” I sobbed.
“No! No, Harley!” She stood up and whipped around the side of my desk and fell to her knees beside my chair. “That’s the reason you hold yourself back from everything good. Honey, baby, it wasn’t your fault.”
I covered my face with my hands, my voice thick and wet with tears and snot and saliva. “If I had been there—”
She gripped me around my shoulders and crushed me in her arms. “If you had been there, I might have lost you both. If I hadn’t asked you to go for supplies.
If Hawk and Hunter didn’t have an argument.
If, if, if. There are thousand possible ifs but only one outcome and that is the one we are living.
Harley! Don’t let your life pass you by because Hunter lost his! He’d hate that for you!”
I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on her shoulder. Her narrow shoulder that carried every one of us.
“I just wish I’d been with him. If I could turn back the clock…”
She tangled her hand through my hair to grasp the back of my neck. “I can tell you with 100% certainty,” she said, her voice thick, “that your brother is doubly glad you didn’t go with him that day.”
I bit my lip and shook my head against her shoulder. “If I went, the timing would have been off. He wouldn’t have reached the crossroad when that truck came through. He would have missed it, and we’d still have him. If I hadn’t been wrapped up in myself, he’d still be here.”
“You can’t know that,” she soothed, her voice hitching.
“And you can’t think like that. Otherwise, where does it end?
If I hadn’t asked you guys to go to Mistlevale to get the tablecloths.
If Dad had picked up the right ones the day before.
If we never opened the resort in the first place, if, if, if.
Harley, ‘if’ is the black hole. ‘If’ is the dark place. You can’t live there.”
She swayed slightly on her knees, rocking me back and forth. “You need to let this go. You’re not honoring his life by stifling yours.”