Bedtime Reconciliations
___________
As we step into our barely lit hostel, the echoes of the party still reverberate in my ears. Kudos to NEPA, we are navigating the dark with our phone’s torch light. Entering our apartment, we move around each other, our silence punctuated by our movements. Unhooking my bra and tossing it on my bed, I head to the kitchen to fill a cup with water, then down it to clear my patched throat.
I retreat to my corner while Linda busies herself with dusting her bed, the tension between us intensifying with our silence. There’s an invisible barrier keeping us from reaching out to one another. Each passing second serves to deepen the divide, widening the chasm that threatens to consume our friendship.
Collapsing onto my bed, I disregard changing to something comfortable. Exhaustion is tugging at my bones, but sleep evades me, leaving me restless. I stare into the darkness, my thoughts wandering.
Images of Special linger in my mind: his smile, his touch, and the forbidden allure of his presence. But reality tugs at my heart, reminding me of the complexities that come with such an entanglement.
Out of habit, I check his social media pages, but there’s nothing new there. I end up scrolling through Instagram, admiring fashion clothes, confectionary preparations, and whatever scandal Instagram’s algorithm sends my way.
Lying on my tummy, I trace my fingers over a dress worn by Chiluba Van Cleef, the CEO of 34 Threads, calculating the amount of work done to create the masterpiece. I receive a notification from Mama Gee; the preview shows it’s my prayers for the day—what is that woman doing awake? Curious, I open the app and find that one of my twin brothers has sent an audio of his recent studio recording. I had promised to listen to it.
Securing my earpiece, I listen to the track, smiling at his attempt to be a music superstar. “You’d better focus on your studies,” I mutter to myself, smiling wryly and surprisingly feeling homesick. I miss the quick banter between myself and my siblings.
I didn’t go home during the last school break, but I’m considering doing so this semester. I’m tired of school—learning how to program and stuff.
Hehe. Don’t take me too seriously.
I’m not where I envisioned myself to be… yet.
The lecturers in this school still insist on teaching Fortran 77 in this day and age, and it’s a lingering frustration from my first year. It’s an annoying hurdle I need to overcome this year. Even though I have no idea how what I’m learning will fit into the real world, I can’t wait to graduate, be done with school, so I can work in top tech companies like Microsoft, Google, and the likes.
Linda breaks the silence, her voice laced with remorse. “Fii?”
So, she can’t sleep either. I sigh, scrolling through my phone. “You have my ears.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so pushy earlier. I know you have a crush on Special, and I should have respected your boundaries.”
I glance over to where she’s lying. A part of me resents her for prying into the depths of my heart, for shining a light on the desires I’ve been trying to suppress. But another part recognizes the sincerity in her words, the genuine concern for my well-being.
“Yes, you were extra pushy.”
“I’m sorry…” she whines.
“Hmm.”
“Forgive me?”
I shrug, dropping my phone on the floor since we don’t have a bedside table. It’s a good thing because the lack thereof is saving space. “What can I say? You were telling me to mind my business, but you were not minding yours.”
She climbs onto my bed, and I press my lips in the dark, rolling my eyes. Our bodies are close but separated by our beliefs.
Linda nudges my shoulder with hers. “Sorry now.” There’s a teasing smile in her voice.
The part of my heart that froze over when she was telling me how to run my business is thawing. “I hear you. I know you meant well. I appreciate your honesty. It’s just… complicated.”
“I understand, Fifi.” She turns to face me, non-verbally telling me to turn so we are face to face. Our palms rest beneath our cheeks. “See, sometimes our hearts lead us down treacherous paths. But maybe there’s another way, a simpler path to finding happiness.”
Curiosity flickers within me, mingling with a hint of skepticism. Linda has always been the practical one, the voice of reason in our friendship. I can’t help but wonder what alternative she has in mind. “What do you mean?”
“I know I should mind my business, but…” Her eyes sparkle with mischief and her lips curve in a small smile. “You aspire to be in a healthy relationship—that’s a given. What if… What if you gave someone else a chance? Someone who doesn’t come with all the complications and drama like Special does?”
My heart stutters at the suggestion, caught between loyalty and the undeniable pull to start afresh. A part of me yearns for simplicity, for a love unburdened by the weight of unattainable desires. “I don’t know, Linda. It’ll feels like I’m betraying myself, my heart.”
Adjusting, she places a comforting hand on my waist, her touch grounding me in the present moment.
“Fifi, sometimes the heart needs a gentle nudge to explore new possibilities. It doesn’t mean you’re betraying yourself; it means you’re giving yourself a chance to find happiness in unexpected places.”
Her words stirs something deep within my soul. I consider the notion, the faint glimmer of hope that perhaps there’s a path forward, free from the tangled web of emotions I’ve woven around Special. It’s not healthy what I feel towards him.
I swallow, hesitant to make a decision. “I could give it a try… But it has to be someone who understands the complexities of my situation and respects the boundaries I’ve set.” She knows I have a plan for my sexual life. Only close friends do.
Linda’s smile widens. Despite the dim lighting, her eyes are shining with excitement. “I promise, Fii. I can tell you right now someone who meets your criteria. Someone who can show you a different side of love, one filled with simplicity and understanding. You’ve met Evans—”
Oh no, I know that’s not who she wants to talk about…
“—was trying to get your attention, yet you acted like he didn’t exist.”
“You know that’s not true. He asked if I wanted a drink and I told him, no, thank you.”
“You could have entertained him...”
“And…?”
“Come on, Fii. You guys were literally drooling all over each other.”
“No, we were not.”
She vibrates with laughter and despite my need to be taken seriously, I chuckle.
“Oh, that’s how you want to play it.”
“You need eyeglasses. Because I don’t think you saw what you’re describing.”
“Yeah, it was really dark in there.” She hisses, chuckling. “Mumu, why do you think I rushed to the scene to do the introductions?”
“I see what you’re doing.”
“What?” She sits up peering down at me. Her teeth gleaming in the dark. “What am I doing?”
“You’re trying to push me to this Evans guy because you think I can’t have Special.”
“I never said that.” She mumbles, “Don’t know why you can’t see that you and Evans would hit it off.”
“Hmm? So, I’m slow?”
“True.”
I widen my eyes.
She chuckles. “You said it yourself.”
I hiss.
“Fifi, you’re a beautiful smart lady.”
“Ehen, tell that to Fortran 77.”
“You and I know you failed it because of your stubbornness. You had A in all your courses and failed that one. Girl… you can say whatever, but I know you wanted to fail it.”
“Why would they make someone fail that nonsense course?”
“That’s beside the point. The point is, you’re a beautiful, smart lady who can have any man she wants.”
“News!” I whisper, chuckling.
“Truth.” She clicks her tongue. “I don’t know why you’re hell-bent on Special, who is in a relationship—”
“Correction, they’re on a break.”
“But she’s here.” Linda scoffs. “Are you really serious about this whole… dating Special thingy?”
The side of my mouth twitches. “I’m not. I was only reminding you they’re currently not together.”
“Tsk. It’s not like you guys…” she trails off, sitting back on her thighs.
“Hmm hmm.” I sit up. “You’re not stopping there. Say it.”
“I’m not.”
“If you don’t say it, I won’t give Evans a chance.”
“You’re serious?”
“Serious.”
“Well, you guys don’t fit. He’s not good for you. He’s too protective.”
How does that make sense?“Excuse you?”
“He’s always doing Mr. Good guy.” She switches her voice to one that will never in a million years sound like Special. “Smart girl—babe… He belittles you. He can’t get that you’re smarter than him.”
“That’s not true.” If I don’t interact with Special, I’ll believe everything she’s saying. Special is not like that. “He appreciates me. And loves that I’m smart, that’s why he started helping me study—”
She scoffs. “He wants to control your brain and limit what you can do.”
“Now that’s a lie.”
“Hmm. Okay oh.” She switches her voice again. “Oh, that’s not how to do it. Here, let me help you.”
“Duh… he’s meant to be protective.”
“Good for him. I’m happy you’ve agreed to go on a date with Evans.”
Date with. Huh? When? “What do you mean?”
“You agreed to give him a chance.”
“But—”
“Eh ehn. No but. You’re giving him a chance.”
“It’s almost past three in the a.m. and there’s a high probability that I’m tipsy. I’m not myself.”
She’s shaking her head.
“You can’t hold me accountable for what I say when I’m not a hundred per cent myself.”
“Every version of you is a hundred percent of you at every given time.”
Huh? “What does that even mean?”
“That you’re going out on a date with Evans?”
“Oh, shoot me.”
“Tell me you didn’t like him.”
Umm… I don’t like being lied to, so I make it a practice not to lie.
“See… see…” She grins widely. “You like him.”
Taking a breath, I wave my arms in the air to stop her teasing. “Wait. Wait.”
“What?”
“I mean… there was some sort of connection, but…”
“Ride with that!”
It takes us a while to fall asleep as we transition to talking about people who attended the event. I am pondering how to rescind my going on a date with Evans when I surrender to sleep.