Dancing Emotions
___________
“Oh, it was just Evans,” I answer, making my way to the three-seater. I pick the left side, leaving Special on the right. “We were catching up and talking about… some things.”
“Ah, I see.” Special wears that annoying smirk of his. “Just Evans.”
Trying to deflect, I nod to the TV. “What are you watching?” Why am I feeling bothered? I just confessed to Evans, after all this time, that I love him. Yet I’m struggling to tell the one person who should know I’m in a committed relationship.
Ignoring my question, Special presses on. “Well, you must really like this Evans guy to be on the phone with him for so long.”
“I do.” I nod, smiling. “He’s really special to me.”
Special gasps dramatically, taunting me. “Oh, he’s special, is he? I never would have guessed.”
Playing along, I throw a hand in the air. “Oh, hush. You know what I mean. He’s my boyfriend, and we are serious.” There, no lightning bolts striking me down. My heart is beating normally. The world is still spinning on its axis.
Now that I think about it, Special’s expression has shifted from teasing to a more serious one, with a slight curve on his lips. “I do. And I’m really happy for you.” He leans back. “You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy. Does he?”
“Oh, yes. Yes, he does.”
“Good.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that.” Was that a flicker of regret in his eyes? Oh. Why does a part of me wonder what could have been if our circumstances were different?
No, no, no. I’m not going down that road.
I need to focus on the present and the happiness I’ve found with Evans.
If only Evans were in this space and not Special.
“By the way, I’ve been meaning to update you,” he hesitates, leaning forward, rubbing a hand on his knee.
Why start talking about something and not finish it? “What is it?
He sighs, then licks his lips. “Well, things with Ella haven’t been going so well lately. We’ve been having a lot of arguments… To be honest, things have been really shaky between us. We’ve been going through some rough patches and,” he shrugs, “we’re kind of calling it quits.”
I try to summon sympathy, but as I sit here, I’m not sure if I’m surprised they’re still together or surprised they’re still experiencing issues. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I didn’t know things were rough between you two.” It’s the truth.
“Yeah, it’s been tough. Aren’t all relationships tough?” He clicks his tongue. “But enough about me, how about you? How long have you been together?”
I exhale heavily, feeling my hands fidgeting. I force them to stay still on my lap. “Give or take three years, eighteen months now. We started dating not long after you graduated.” Why am I suddenly nervous? “He’s been really supportive and understanding.”
Special’s smile looks strained. “Like I said, I’m glad you found someone who makes you happy.”
He turns to the television, and I take a moment to observe him. It’s as though he’s realizing for the first time that I’m truly unavailable. I’m not just hanging around like some low-hanging fruit. I’m a grown woman. If he couldn’t act then, well, it’s too late for him now. Evans is my boo.
But despite that, something tugs at my heart. “Special, are you okay? You seem distant.”
He sighs, turning his attention back to me. “I guess I’m just going through a lot of emotions right now. It’s been a rollercoaster with Ella, and hearing about you being in a serious relationship,” he smiles, a peculiar sweet-sour smile, “it’s just a lot to take in.”
I want to scream; so you knew! You don’t expect me to moon over you forever! but I whisper in response, “I understand.” Shrugging, I continue. “Life after uni is completely different.”
“Yeah.” He nods, giving a nervous smile. “You’re right. I wonder what could have been if things were different.”
I shouldn’t say this out loud but, damn it. “It’s hard for me too.”
He swivels his eyes to me in surprise.
“I care about you, Special.” A small nervous laugh eludes me. “It’s complicated, isn’t it? We’re both dating other people, but there’s this undeniable connection between us.”
“Yes, it is. And as much as I don’t want to ignore those feelings, I also don’t want to hurt anyone.”
Nodding, I bite my lip anxiously. “I feel the same way. I care about Evans, and I don’t want to hurt him either. I think… I think we both have to prioritize… prioritize our happiness.”
Special stares at me, and I find myself lost in the details of his face that I’ve dreamed about countless times.
Every hair strand.
Every spot left by acne.
He brushes his nose, a wan smile forming on his lips. “You’re right. I’ve always known you’re smart.” His voice cracks a little and he clears his throat. “I guess… I guess I need to figure things out with Ella and see where we stand.”
“Yes. Take your time. Just know that if you need a friend, I’m here for you.”
A faint smile creeps across his face. “Thanks, Fifi. I appreciate that.”
It’s only his first day here, yet I’m relieved we’ve reached this understanding. I reach out to touch his hand, locking eyes with him. “Whatever happens, know that I wish you all the best.”
He squeezes my hand, the air between us thick with unspoken words and unresolved feelings. “And I wish you the same. You deserve all the happiness in the world.”
“Thank you.” I can’t shake the feeling that fate is playing a delicate game with my heart.
*****
Over the next few days, we immerse ourselves in laughter, conversations, and shared experiences. It feels like old times, and the familiarity brings both comfort and a tinge of nostalgia. In the evenings, G-Ben and I will take Special out to explore Lagos, visiting our favorite spots, and creating new memories together. After much bragging, Special makes roasted plantain and a banging fish sauce that ruins me for other fish sauces.
It”s true that one should be careful about what they hear behind closed doors, and I”ll also add, be cautious about what you want to hear when you”re seated with people. Seated here in the living room with Special and G-Ben, pretending to be engrossed in my phone, I overhear Special enthusiastically sharing with G-Ben what he was up to earlier in the day. My heart sinks as I listen, a knot forming in my stomach.
How could he!
I really wanted to ignore their conversation, but when I heard the title of the movie, I couldn’t help but tune in.
“… I booked a ride there. I didn’t want her thinking I’ll drop her at home.” Special says, looking up from his phone, his attention on G-Ben and they both laugh.
I didn’t want her thinking I’ll drop her at home.Yen, yen, yen. Pissed, I struggle to keep a smile on my face. Look at how eager he is to see a movie in the cinema with another lady—a movie we discussed watching together just a few days ago.
Mute, I excuse myself and head to the kitchen to get water. A few seconds later, I sense another presence in the room. I turn to find Special.
“Fifi baby…” he teases, but his forehead furrows when he notices my expression. “What’s happening?”
Fight or flight?“Nothing.” I mutter, trying to move past him, out of the kitchen, but he blocks my path.
His gaze darts behind him before returning to me. “Talk to me, what’s up?”
He wants to talk? Okay. I fold my arms to shield him from seeing them shake. “I thought we were going to see that movie together,” I say, praying my voice isn’t shaking from my pent-up emotions. “I mentioned it to you, and you said you didn’t have time for it.”
“You did?” He looks taken aback, his brows furrowing as he tries to recall the conversation.
I stare, daring him to say I didn’t or that he can’t remember.
Miffed. Frustrated. A combination of feelings surge within me, fueled by the imbalance I perceive in our friendship. I longed for this reunion, cherishing the chance to spend quality time together even though he’s here for personal reasons; now, it feels as if my expectations are shattering.
“Oh, right,” he responds, his tone wavering. “I didn’t realize it was that important to you.” I make to move away but he makes a pleading hushing sound. “Fifi, come on...”
Biting my lips, I wait for him to finish his pitiable memory failure.
“I just had the opportunity to go with someone else. I had no intention of doing it. She found out I’m in Lagos and she’s in town too. We were chatting, and she mentioned she wanted to see the movie. We thought it would be nice to catch up over the movie. It was a coincidence—”
He halts suddenly and with my eyes, I urge him to continue. “What’s the real reason, Special?”
He releases a deep sigh. “You know I can’t lie to you.”
“Then don’t!” I covertly whisper. “I mentioned seeing the movie with you, then you bailed on me!”
Reaching for my arms as I attempt to sidestep him, he forcefully grabs my elbows. “I didn’t mean for it to come across that way. Honest to God, I wasn’t thinking when I left G-Ben’s office to catch the movie with her.”
Hmm?
“I guess… I guess after our discussion the other day, I didn’t want you to think that I was taking advantage of our friendship.” He scratches the back of his neck. “I also kinda felt obligated to go with her because I’m trying to get her parents to contribute funds for my masters program.”
Tears well up in my eyes as I struggle to find the right words to express my pain. I thought this visit would bring us closer, but it feels like a reminder of the complications and unmet expectations that will lie between us if we go down that path. I deserve to be with someone who values my feelings and respects our shared plans.
This conflict serves as a wake-up call, forcing me to confront the lingering emotions I have for Special and the impact it has on my relationship with Evans. Is there something about me and liking men that don’t consider my feelings?
I blink back the tears welling up. “I get it, Special. Life gets busy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t communicate with me. It’s not fair to leave me hanging. I felt stupid listening to you talk about it.” I’m not his girlfriend or anything, but we discussed this thing barely days ago.
“You’re right, and I’m sorry for not keeping you in the loop.”
I nod.
“Look at me Fifi.”
I do.
“I’m sorry. And I mean it.”
This is where I should shut up and count my losses, but do I? “I just wish you would be more considerate of my feelings. I thought we were close, but sometimes it feels like I’m just an afterthought,” I say, hating myself for being so vulnerable.
“No… You’re not an afterthought, Fifi.” He holds my jaw, staring into my eyes. “I care about you a lot.”
I swallow, feeling the fight in my body simmer in the quietness and sincerity of his voice. “Then show me, Special. Show me I matter to you and that our plans are important.”
A heavy silence descends upon us.
What am I asking for? I take a deep breath, seeking clarity within the chaos of my emotions.
Oh sheesh. I’m in a relationship with Evans! Why do I feel so connected to Special? I thought this was a crush. A childish crush. Why is he also so receptive to this? What are we doing?
“I need some time alone,” I finally whisper, my voice barely audible.
Special’s expression softens, regret etched on his face. “Fifi baby… I’m sorry for hurting you. I didn’t realize how much it meant to you.”
“Yeah…” I force a smile. “This feels strange.”
“This?” He applies pressure to my chin.
His action hits me like a jolt of electricity, sending waves of indescribable feelings through me, down to my crotch and the tip of my toes. Blinking, I hastily shake his hand off. “Um… I need to go.”
Oh my. This conflict has laid bare the complexities of our relationship. It’s forcing me to question my own desires and the impact they have on what I share with Evans.