Midnight Texts
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“Yeah, I mean, it’s cool.” I try to mask my confusion and disappointment with a veneer of positivity. “Oshodi isn’t too far from here, anyway.”
“I hope you guys don’t mind.” Special attempts to hold my gaze as he speaks, but I avert my eyes.
Truth? I absolutely don’t care.
“It’s just that my family friend offered, and I thought it would be nice to catch up with them too.”
G-Ben nods in understanding. “No worries, man. It’s your visit, and you should do what makes you comfortable.”
“Absolutely, we understand.” My voice rises a notch. I force a smile, searching for words since they’re both staring at me. “You know… because family comes first.”
Special nods, expressing gratitude with a light clap. “Thanks for being so understanding, guys. I really appreciate it.”
“Just make sure you still come over for our famous jollof rice dinner next weekend,” G-Ben teases.
Special laughs. “You that your jollof is legendary; I wouldn’t miss it for anything in the world.”
To lighten the mood without sounding too cheesy, I add, “And don’t forget the pepper soup. You know you can always stop by for more.”
“Of course, Fifi,” he smiles, locking eyes with me, “I wouldn’t dare miss that.”
As we continue chatting, I clasp my hands on my lap, offering false smiles. I had hoped he would stay longer with us. Is it because of our clashes? The thought of him staying elsewhere, even if it’s with family friends, has me thinking of all the possibilities. Is he related to the lady he watched the movie with? How close are they—No.
For the remainder of the evening, I coerce myself to keep my emotions in check. I can’t believe G-Ben is oblivious to it. Doesn’t he sense it?
I steal glances at Special, trying to decipher his emotions. Is he regretting his decision to stay here? Trying to avoid temptation? Or maybe its potential issues.
The night progresses, with everyone gathering for dinner, and Special’s unexpected decision to leave is disclosed. Through it all, he and I maintain polite conversation. My smiles are fake.
I’m certain his are too—I can sense it.
But neither of us dares to address it. Instead, we bury ourselves in the company of my family, determined to distract ourselves from the complicated emotions swirling beneath the surface.
As I lie in bed, I’m thinking about what could have been and what might still be.
I know…
I should concentrate on my relationship with Evans, who has been nothing short of supportive and caring. Yet, Special’s lingering presence creates a persistent sense of yearning and inner turmoil. Does he feel the same way? Has he truly ended things with Ella?
In the silence of my room, with Aunty S?epe?’s deep breathing signaling her deep slumber, I retrieve my phone from beneath the pillow.
Biting my lips, I open my messaging app, hoping he’s awake.
Hey, can we talk? I can’t stop thinking about what happened earlier. I feel like there’s so much left unsaid, I type, then send.
Oh, shoot. I should have sent only the first line because there’s really nothing more to say. Pressing my lips together, I stare in horror when the double tick shows that he’s read my message. I should have sent it via WhatsApp or another app where I could have retracted it.
Will he respond?
Animated bubbles! Oh my God, he is typing.
Clutching onto my phone firmly, I close my eyes, anticipating his response.
The notification illuminates my screen, the ding breaking the silence. I frantically change my settings to vibrate. My heart races as I read his words.
New message from Special:
I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to talk right now.
Emotions are running high, and I don’t want to say something we’ll regret.
Why is he being so stubborn? I sigh in frustration, hitting him with strings of messages.
I’m fine with texting
We really need to talk about this
We can’t ignore it.
New message from Special:
exhaling face emojiI know, but it’s complicated
I thought we had moved on from each other.
Like you said, seeing you again just brings back all those feelings.
What can I say to that? We almost kissed! I completely missed out on kissing him because a random stranger decided to play God.
I understand, but it’s not fair to either of us to pretend like nothing happened.
We can’t just brush this under the rug and pretend it doesn’t exist
When his reply stalls, I add, You can’t deny what almost happened.
Bubbles show he is typing a response, but they go on and off like a siren. Is it because G-Ben is close by?
New Message from Special:
I know, but what do you want from me?
We both made our choices, and we have to live with them.
I want to scream, I want to live with my choices but I’m not sure anymore! Instead, I type like a logical, emotional person. How those two words go hand in hand, I don’t know, but I’m trying to be calm here.
I just want some closure, some answers.
I thought we had something real, and now I don’t know what to believe.
New message from Special:
sad face emojiI don’t have all the answers, Fifi.
All I know is that I care about you, BUT I can’t change the fact that you’re with someone else
Really? But in all caps? I’m not asking you to cheat with me. I’ve never imagined myself being the cheat in any scenario. What are these emotions doing to me? They’re tearing me apart.
Is this why you’re going to your family friend’s place?
Because of our argument?
His reply is immediate.
New Message from Special:
No, it’s not because of that.
I thought it would be nice to catch up with them too.
Don’t worry about it.
Hmm. I try to gather my thoughts, tapping out a response to him.
Okay, if you say so.
I just wanted to make sure everything was okay between us
New Message from Special:
yellow heart emojiEverything is fine.
I promise.
What’s not to love about this man?
Okay, I trust you. It’s just that seeing you again did bring back memories,
and I’m wondering what could have been.
New Message from Special:
I wish I had a solution for you, but I don’t.
You’ll have to figure this out on your own.
I hesitate while typing, deliberating if I should be vulnerable or not. Should I lay it all out there? Should I…Well, here goes nothing.
I still don’t know what to do.
I love Evans, but I can’t stop thinking about you.
It’s like I’m stuck in this never-ending loop of twisted emotions.
New Message from Special:
I understand.
sad face emojiI’m sorry for putting you in this position.
I’ll be out of your space tomorrow wink emoji
Is he feeling bad he caused this? Duh… I’m the adult with a controllable sense and uncontrollable hormones.
My truth is that I don’t want to lose you as a friend, but I can’t keep pretending that I’m okay with just being friends.
He is taking forever to respond. I’m typing another message when a new message drops.
New Message from Special:
Baby girl, now you’re stringing my fragile heart along.
neutral face emoji
I can practically hear his voice saying, Baby girl. I start chuckling but stifle it so I don’t scare Aunty S?epe? awake. Collecting myself, I delete what I was typing and type something different.
I’m sorry
It’s hard to let go
It’ll take a while
New Message from Special:
I get it smiling emoji
I’m here for you.
But we both need to be honest with ourselves and the people we care about.
What does that mean? The violent emotions I’ve kept at bay rise and I set my phone aside. I’ve been honest with him. What more does he want? I’m not playing with him; I’m being vulnerable and even foolish, giving him ammunition for the future. Just because talking to him brings back memories and feelings doesn’t mean he should question my honesty. Evans knows about him to some extent so…
Ugh!
Picking up my phone, I re-read Special’s messages and find the hidden message.
This is so…
The struggle between my heart and mind is tearing me apart. I can’t even help myself. How do I untangle this mess of emotions? Everyone might think it’s easy to make a choice, dismissing my story as too dramatic, but this is my future on the line.
I need to sort through these tangled mess of emotions called feelings. I love Evans, but I can’t deny the feelings I have for Special. It’s not even sexual. It’s just… something else.
I sigh heavily, burdened by the thought of hurting Evans and losing Special as a friend.
As the night drags on, I weigh my future with both of them. Evans is building his—our future while Special is planning a fresh start abroad. It’d be so lonely there.
Lord help me… I need to decide, but the fear of making the wrong choice is paralyzing.