Chapter 44 - Tessa
Every moment since I got Nate's call has felt like a countdown.
I don’t remember brushing my hair or putting on mascara and concealer to hide how exhausted I am.
.. or packing my notebook into my truck, but I must’ve, because I did the rounds.
Farm to farm, door to barn door, the same quiet explanation, “I’m taking a little time off.
Someone else will be stepping in for a bit. I’ll be back.”
I said it with a steady voice, even though nothing in me felt steady. They all nodded, told me to rest up, told me I deserved a break, and told me to come back when I was ready. I smiled and thanked them.
At each and every stop, I repeated the words like a script I’d rehearsed in the dark.
But inside, I was counting heartbeats, counting minutes until I went home to wait for him, got to see him.
.. tell him. The truth sat in my chest like a trembling, secret thing.
A tiny heartbeat that flickered like a star in the night captured on the ultrasound photo tucked into my jacket pocket.
A truth that felt too big and too fragile to say out loud.
The space had been good for me, I was able to piece out my hurt and past from what had happened and what I still felt for Nate. After everything I knew, I still loved him, and that meant we needed a big conversation to move forward.
By the time I turned into the Carson driveway, the last stop before home, my palms were damp on the wheel.
The house looked the same as always: wide porch, boots by the door, a pickup half-covered in frost. It should’ve comforted me, but it didn’t.
If anything, it set my nerves off... they weren't just one of my clients, the family that took me in and treated me as one of their own.
.. they were going to be the grandparents to my child.
To a child, I was walking right into their house, and nobody knew.
John opened the door before I even knocked, brow creasing with that fatherly warmth he never tried to hide.
“Tessa,” he said, ushering me in from the cold. “Good to see you, sweetheart.”
Sweetheart. The word nearly undid me.
“I won’t take up much of your time,” I managed. “I just wanted to let you know I’m taking some time off work. A few weeks, maybe longer. The clinic has coverage, and the shelters do too. Nothing will be left hanging.”
He studied me for a long moment, like he could see the exhaustion under my makeup and the way my sweater hung differently than usual.
“This because of Nate?” he asked quietly. “Because if it is, Tessa… you don’t need to walk away from us, from our work together. He..."
My throat tightened, and I closed my eyes for a minute, trying to center myself.
"Shit, I am sorry, Tessa, you don't owe us any explanations. We care about you the same either way.”
I opened my eyes and saw a soft look I don't ever think I have seen on John's face before,
“It’s not...” I swallowed hard. “It’s not about that.”
I wasn’t lying, not really. It was about everything. All at once.
I opened my mouth to reassure him, to say something, anything, to make this feel less like...
But the back door slammed open, boots thudded across the floorboards.
“Dad...” Eli’s voice cracked, breathless, sharp around the edges. “Dad, I just got a call from Chase... he was first on scene at a crash...”
He looked up mid-sentence. He saw me and froze. All the colour drained from his face, and in that half-second of silence, I felt the shift. The ground tilting. The warning my heart recognized before the words could say it out loud. No, please let me be wrong.
My voice came out small. A pained croak, “H-who?”
Eli didn’t answer, his jaw clenched, his eyes flicked to his dad, to me and then stuck to the floor.
“Who was in the accident, Eli?” I begged.
I don’t know how I stayed upright, because everything in me knew. My knees were already buckling, my heartbeat already spiking and then dropping into a dangerous, hollow quiet.
He breathed out, a sound more broken than spoken. “Nate.”
My ears rang, like the world had been dropped into water. Like, sound was coming from somewhere too far away to reach me.
John said something my brain didn't register, sharp and horrified... it felt like it came from another room, another universe.
I blinked, and the room spun.
“No,” I said, but it sounded like a child’s plea. “No. Where? Where, Eli?”
He swallowed, throat bobbing. “Old Highway eight... black ice... multiple vehicles... Chase said... It’s... bad, Tessa.”
My fingers fumbled for my keys before I consciously decided to move; they slipped right out of my hand and clattered onto the wood floor. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see. But I had to go.
“I... I can d-drive...” I stammered, but my hands were shaking too hard to pick the keys up.
Eli stepped forward instantly, already grabbing his coat.
“You are not going by yourself, Tessa,” he said, firm. “I’ll drive.”
John moved fast, grabbing his phone, “I’ll find Kenzie and mom... just go.”
But I barely heard him; I was already stumbling toward the door. Already half running, half falling down the porch steps.
The cold slapped me in the face, freezing the tears like a new permanent fixture. Snow crunched under my boots. Eli reached me in two strides, guiding me toward his truck.
I don't remember putting my seatbelt on, but I felt it tuck in.
The sound of the door slamming made me gasp and shake even harder.
Somewhere in the fog, I heard the engine roaring to life.
My hands pressed to my stomach without my permission.
.. protective, terrified, instinctual. And I repeated.
.. Please. Please, not him. Not like this.
Not now. Please, please, please... I can't lose him. This can't be it.