Chapter 26 #2
I offered him a smile. “But you’re getting there.
And there’s joy for me in that. And honestly, there’s joy for me in just being with you.
Existing in the same room as you, cooking you dinner.
Kissing you,” I ventured. Was that pushing it too far?
I knew he wasn’t entirely comfortable with physical intimacy anymore.
Even small bits of intimacy like a kiss sent his brain spinning into worst-case scenarios.
He sighed. “My therapist also says that I can’t be a mind-reader and I can’t expect you to be a mind-reader. And so I should believe what you say when you say it. But it’s…hard.” He shook his head. “It’s hard to believe there’s any joy in any of this.”
“There is,” I insisted. “It gave me joy to hear you hung out with Jamal. I’m sure it gave him joy to hang out with you. We both love you, you know?” I’d blurted the words before I even became really aware of them being in my head, but now my breath stuttered to a stop. Whoa.
Whoa, wait. What had just come out of my mouth?
Hen was blinking at me owlishly, obviously trying to figure out why I’d just physically recoiled from him. “Jamie?”
I’d said I loved him. And, I mean, that wasn’t wrong, but it was also a fuck of a lot to put on him right now. Then again, going by his confusion, maybe he hadn’t even caught the slip. “I, uh,” I stuttered.
Deny? Retract? Pretend it hadn’t happened?
Or…own up to it? Maybe it would hearten him to hear it?
Fuck. This felt like a decision that could go really wrong, really fast.
“Jamison.” His face went carefully neutral and his hand landed on my shoulder. He gave it a squeeze. “Relax. I know you didn’t mean it like that.”
Oh, good, he was assuming I’d been…exaggerating, or whatever. No, wait, not good. Bad? Neutral? Maybe I should just agree with him, even if neither of us actually believed what we were saying. But that felt like lying, and he’d just been talking about how his therapist was urging him to be open.
But what if he freaked out.
Goddammit. The silence had gone on too long and was now officially he’ll-read-bad-things-into-it long. I gulped and opened my mouth. “I d-”
Before the words could get all the way out of my mouth, he jumped up off the couch and started pacing. “This is what I meant by it being too much,” he grated out, spiking his fingers through his hair and dislodging his ponytail. “You’re obviously freaked the hell out by this conversation.”
“That’s not -”
“I don’t want you to feel like you have to build me up and make up stories and stuff.”
“I didn’t -”
“Or say things you don’t mean just to make me feel better.”
“Hen!” I snapped, clapping my hands loudly to interrupt him. Somewhere on the other side of the room, a startled cat yowled and took off running.
He abruptly stopped pacing and faced me, hand still in his hair and tugging. “What?”
“You’re catastrophizing,” I said as calmly as I could manage. “Stop it.”
“I’m…” He blinked at me. “What?”
Fuck it. I was going to brazen this out. It was the only way we might come out of this without him losing his shit. “I said I loved you, I didn’t offer you a kidney,” I blurted.
“Huh?” He blinked again, more slowly this time, and drifted closer to the couch, looking a little lost and forlorn.
“It’s possible for people to love you, you know,” I informed him, arching an eyebrow. “You’re a lovable person.”
He stared at me, then pointed at his own chest. “Me? The guy who’s a mess and bringing you along for the ride?”
“It’s a good ride,” I shot back. “It’s fun. The companionship is A-plus. And it hasn’t made me barf yet. So yes, you.”
He opened his mouth as if to speak, but what came out was a bitter laugh. “You’re insane.”
“Hey, fuck you!” I retorted, annoyed by his resistance.
“I’m not insane, I don’t have bad judgment, and I haven’t, I don’t know what else you’re thinking, signed on to back a losing horse.
I am a perfectly functional adult human being who happens to be in love with another mostly-functional adult human being who, yes, has a health condition, but so do millions of other people in love around the world.
And you wouldn’t say someone was crazy for loving them, would you? ”
“Well, I mean, no, but -”
“Eh!” I made a buzzer noise, interrupting his protest. “No buts. I get to say who I love. You don’t have to love me back - I can’t make you - but in the same vein, you can’t stop me. So sit down, shut up, and be loved!” I smacked the empty cushion of the couch beside me and glared at him.
Almost reflexively, he sat where I’d indicated, but he continued to stare at me in consternation. “Jamie…” he said softly.
“What?’ I snapped.
“Are you…sure?”
“That I love you?”
He nodded mutely.
“I mean, I haven’t sat down and made a pros-and-cons list or anything, but yeah, it’s something I’ve been thinking for a while now. I hadn’t intended to blurt it out on you, but…” I blew out a breath. “It slipped.”
“It…slipped,” he repeated blankly.
I made an awkward, dismissive gesture. “What? I have a big mouth! Anyway, my point is that yes, I do love you, and you don’t have to reciprocate, but I think it could help you to know that I - and Jamal, and your parents, I’m sure - do love you, in spite of you, because of you, whatever.
You’re lovable. Deal with it.” I crossed my arms and sat mutinously back against the couch.
He shook his head and studied his hands on his lap for a long moment. “Okay.”
I hadn’t expected capitulation. “Okay?” I repeated.
He nodded. “Yeah, okay. I have a hard time believing it, but I can’t very well tell you what’s going on in your own head. Gay would kill me, therapy-style.” He managed a small smile. “So, okay.”
“Okay.” I nodded firmly despite feeling a little at sea. I wasn’t going to give him room to doubt now.
“And…” His eyes bounced up to meet mine for half a second, and then focused back on his hands. “I think I love you too. But I don’t know what to do with that.”
“What do you mean, do with it?” I asked in confusion. What did you do with being in love?
He winced. “I mean, I’m pretty fucked up right now.”
“I -”
He held up a hand to stop my protest. “I am. I’m not saying I always will be - though yeah, some things are going to stay fucked - but right now I’m a pretty hot mess.
So I hesitate to, like, say it out loud and make you feel like you’re tied to me.
But I guess I just did, so…fuck.” He ran his hand through his hair again. “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize for loving me!” I practically shouted. “It’s a good thing if we both love each other.” I mustered a smile. “Keeps things from getting truly awkward, like it would be if only one person was in love.”
He studied me for a second. “Okay.”
Were we doing the one-word okay thing again? I very carefully didn’t sigh at that. “So…”
“So…?” he echoed.
I shrugged. “I feel like this has been the least romantic love declaration ever. Nobody’s going to write a romance novel about us.”
He chuckled. “Maybe not, but I wouldn’t want all the attention that would garner, anyway.”
“Still, it feels anticlimatic. Should we, like, kiss or something? Maybe go buy each other flowers?”
“Let’s maybe save the flower money for a rainy day,” he suggested wryly. “But I’d be ok with a kiss.”
Not giving him any time to change his mind, I immediately leaned forward and planted my lips against his, first lightly and then more firmly.
When he didn’t pull away after a few seconds, I flicked my tongue against his lower lip to urge him to open up.
He did, and I felt like crowing in victory.
I didn’t, of course, because that would have meant separating my mouth from his, and nope.
Instead, I took his hand and laced our fingers together, resting our joined hands against his chest as we made out.
Eventually, I was the one to pull away. “Getting a crick in my neck,” I explained, and promptly straddled him. I pecked another kiss on his lips, then paused to meet his eyes. “This ok?”
He swallowed thickly, whether from nerves or excitement, I didn’t know. “Uh, yeah.” He lifted his free hand and traced one finger over my eyebrow. “You’re pretty amazing, you know that?”
“What, because I’m a hot kisser?” I grinned lasciviously. “I know.”
Smiling, he shook his head and booped my nose. “No, because you just…roll with everything and stay happy. Even when you’re supporting two of us instead of just yourself.”
I considered that. “I mean, you and I both know I’m not always happy.
I’m certainly not happy about your diagnosis.
But I’m happy I get to be here with you, and that’s pretty much always the case when I’m with you.
As far as support…eh. On the one hand, I’m glad to be able to provide support when you need it.
On the other hand, I still think you’re overestimating how much work supporting you is.
Most of it comes naturally just because I love you, and when you love someone, their needs and desires become your own pretty naturally.
” He looked like he was going to argue with that, so before he could, I delivered another kiss, immediately deepening it this time.
I could feel his cock stirring under my thigh and gave a little internal cheer; if he’d had an erection since he found out about the HIV, he certainly hadn’t shared it with me.
So the fact that he was stiffening for me? Yeah, I was damn proud of that.
Didn’t mean I should push him, though, I reminded myself silently. Outwardly, I ignored his growing hard-on and focused on just kissing him silly. Eventually, though, my own erection became insistent to the point of pain and I squirmed in his lap, trying to get a little more room in my pants.
“You ok?” he asked, drawing back an inch.
I squirmed again, finally wiggling my dick into a fold of my jeans that let it breathe a little. “Fine. Just, you know…” I waved downward. “Stuff.”