1. December 1st
December 1st
Lorelei
I’m sitting in the passenger seat of Andrew’s beloved 1965 Ford Mustang. The smell of the new leather he had redone a few months ago fills my senses. I feel the stretch of the smile spreading on my face as I watch my husband drive his baby. He’s spent years restoring every piece of this car. But I can also sense the feeling of dread taking over. The anxiety, settling in my chest, because I know what comes next.
I see Andrew’s face drop, the fear in his eyes when he turns to look at me and tells me he loves me. I look out the window to see the truck barreling towards us. On the wrong side of the highway. Not slowing down, and not caring we were there. Andrew tries to swerve, the truck going faster. I brace myself for what is to come.
I shoot straight up in my bed, grasping the sheets in my fists at my side. Woken up by the ongoing nightmare in a cold sweat, yet again.
The nightmares have been coming and going the last five years. The past few weeks they’ve come back with a vengeance. They’ve been so vivid, so real. I wake up each morning with the same dread and grief that filled my heart the first time I’d heard Andrew wasn’t going to wake up in that hospital room.
Lacey, my daughter who is living with me at the moment, has heard my screams in the middle of the night. I’ve had to tell her about my nightmares. She obviously told my other daughters who live nearby, Scarlett and Addy.
They seem to think that I’m having nightmares again because I feel guilty about possibly dating someone new after being a widow for five years.
It could be just that. I do feel guilty. I feel terrible in fact, like I’m betraying Andrew. But it’s been so long, I know he wouldn’t want me to sit around the house all day miserable and missing him.
I started volunteering at the senior center about a year ago. Andrew was supposed to start his retirement around that time. We are supposed to be traveling the world together.
The pressure of missing him was making my chest feel tight, like it could crack at any moment. I had to get out of my house, I felt like the walls were caving in on me. I couldn’t continue to sit around and think about all the things I was missing out on. Andrew wouldn’t like that. He always lived life to the fullest.
I quickly learned that I love volunteering, setting up activities, and parties for the residents. Making the residents happy fulfilled my heart in a way that nothing else could since Andrew’s death.
That’s where I met Scott.
Scott manages the senior center and I work closely with him on planning the activities, outings, and parties for the seniors. The more nights we spent together planning, the more my feelings started growing. He is so kind, and reminds me of my late husband in the way he cares for others.
Scott was divorced a few years ago, his wife moved to Florida after their divorce and his boys are grown, living on their own here in town. We bonded over suddenly being completely alone with no spouse, and no children in the home every day.
We started to fill the lonely nights by going to dinner, or cooking together. Every time, my feelings grew, along with the guilt I feel more and more each time.
Forgive me, Andrew. I whisper into the loneliness of my bedroom.
Because of that guilt I’ve been keeping Scott strictly in the friend zone , as my daughters call it.
Now that December is here, the hardest time of the year hits. Christmas was Andrew’s favorite holiday. We went all out for the girls growing up, and he would plan fun holiday themed dates for us starting December 1.
He called it the 25 Dates of Christmas .
We would do one holiday activity together every night leading up to Christmas, just us. I miss that the most. Every single year the pain comes and it never gets easier.
My phone vibrates from the floor under my bed. Damn, I must have been thrashing in my sleep this time too. I bend over the edge to find it, using the cord as a guide to my phone.
Scott: Good morning, it’s December 1st. I’ll be there at 5:00 and we are going to pick out your tree.
My jaw drops open as I stare at the text.
I told Scott about our holiday tradition months ago and he told me he would make sure to hold up Andrew’s traditions this year. I didn’t really believe he would remember though, but here he is, before I even leave my bed on December 1st, holding true to his word.
Me : You really don’t have to. I don’t want to burden you.
Scott : Burden me? Lorelei, I’m happy to do this with you. I will see you at 5:00.
A smile spreads across my face, chasing out any anxiety left from the dream as I clutch my phone to my chest, like a lifeline to happiness.
I unplug my phone, and head downstairs to get coffee, grateful that I can hear movement in the kitchen. Lacey is already up with Oliver, getting him ready for school.
Memories of getting the girls ready in the morning flash through my mind. The chaos that ensued from having four girls getting ready at one time would be a welcomed feeling compared to the empty hollow feeling I have now .
Having my grandson with me is the biggest blessing of this holiday season. He brings back the magic of the season that only a child can possess.
Lacey hands me a cup of coffee. A frown etches on her face, “Mom, are you okay? You look like you’ve had a rough night.”
“Oh I’m fine darling, just another dream.” I shuffle to the refrigerator to get my coffee creamer.
“Mom. You need to go back to the therapist. Or at least tell Preston about your nightmares being back. You can’t keep going like this, not sleeping.” She shakes her head as she takes a sip of her coffee.
“I’ll be fine darling. What is your plan for the evening? I won’t be home for dinner, but I can fix you all something and leave it in the fridge if you like?”
“And where will you be this evening?” Lacey asks with a knowing smile that she hides with her coffee cup.
“Lacey, stop it. I am not some teenager. Scott and I are going to get a Christmas tree for the home. You know, as the friends we are, getting trees for the holiday in 25 days.” I play off the act like it isn’t a big deal. My girls’ concern for me only makes the guilt worse. On top of feeling guilty about dating again, I hate that my girls have worried so much over the years.
“Mom. You can admit you have feelings for Scott. We all know you do, including Scott. And based on my conversation with him last week, he absolutely has strong feelings for you,” she winks over the kitchen counter.
“What do you mean in your conversation ?” I ask, trying to think back to when Scott & Lacey would have seen each other to chat.
“He stopped by the salon one day while Colton and I were there working. He asked about Dad’s 25 Dates of Christmas. So I can only assume that getting a tree tonight is his version to make you feel better about the holidays.”
Well. That’s surprising, I try to school my features while my heart flutters and not from the coffee.
She continues, “Mom, you need to stop feeling guilty and just accept what is happening with Scott. Let the relationship develop. Dad would not want you to live alone for the rest of your life, and Scott is a wonderful, caring man.”
She walks around the counter and hugs me.
“I know. I know. I just can’t help but feel guilty. I’ll work on it, I promise.” I return the hug but wonder if the guilt and grief will ever allow me to hold another man in my heart.
And I will try. I want to be happy again.
I stand in my bedroom, staring at a photo of Andrew and I in my hands.
“Andrew, I’m so sorry if you feel like I’m betraying you. I love you so much. But I need to be happy,” I whisper to him with unshed tears threatening to fall.
I lean down and place a kiss on the photo before heading downstairs to the drama that my girls have created when Lacey told them all about my date with Scott.
I have not been this nervous around a man since I started dating my husband 35 years ago. Even though Scott and I have gone out many times, this time feels different, feelings are on the line and that line of friendship is being pushed.
Our first date. My first, first date since Andrew. If that’s what this is. Maybe Scott is just doing something kind, but if I listen to my girls this is definitely a first date. The first time we will be meeting without using work as a guise for the night.
I am going to stop worrying. If it’s a date I’m going to let it be one.
I’ve changed my outfit three times at the urging of my girls. No matter how I feel about this date, or not a date, with Scott, spending time with the girls and seeing them happy, gives me a boost of serotonin on this emotional rollercoaster that I’ve been on all day. Now I only have about thirty seconds until Scott gets here.
No more time for nerves, Lorelei.
The doorbell rings and the girls squeal with excitement.
Each one hugs me as I pass by on my way to the front door. I steady myself and take a deep breath before opening the door.
When I see Scott standing there in his dark jeans, boots, and flannel shirt, I suck in a breath. At 55 years old he is still breathtakingly gorgeous. Especially in that lumber jack way my girls all insist is the most sought out look on a man nowadays.
Andrew was classically handsome, always put together, clean shaven, hair cut short and swept to the side. But Scott has that rugged look, complete with a beard. Which is something I didn’t think I’d ever find attractive, but here I am, swooning.
“Hello Lorelei. You look beautiful.” He places a gentle kiss on my cheek, they heat with embarrassment at the act of a kiss from another man in front of my girls.
“Thank you. You look handsome yourself. Ready to go?” I am about to step out the door when I hear footsteps behind me.
“Wait just a minute Mom. You didn’t think you were getting out the door without a little payback did you?” Scarlett says and I groan softly.
I gave her a hard time with Preston and she warned me it was coming. I should have locked them all out when I was getting ready instead of embracing the chaos they bring. I chuckle to myself when I turn to see the three girls all standing there with their arms crossed.
“Girls, it’s so nice to see you!” Scott is completely unaware of what these diabolical children of mine have planned.
“What time do you plan to have her home?” Addy asks as soon as he finishes greeting them.
“What are your intentions with our mother? We don’t want any hanky panky in that car when you drop her off you hear?” Lacey jokes trying, and failing, to look stern.
And I brace myself for Scarlett. She’s the most recently tortured by my meddling in their dating life, and she didn’t like the openness I had about her sex life as an adult.
“If you do plan on hanky panky, because who could blame you looking at this woman, make sure you wrap it up,” Scarlett says with a wink and no shame.
I start choking, while my face flames. Did she really just tell a 55 year old man to wrap it with her mother?
“Scarlett. . .” I sputter when I finally catch my breath.
“I’ll have her home when she is ready, I don’t have any plans for hanky panky as you say, but if the situation arises I have prepared for such occasions,” he says with a smirk on his face and a confidence that surprises me.
“Okay. Thank you girls, for this. . . experience. I will see you for coffee tomorrow morning I’m sure.”
I shut the door before they can get anything else in and start down the walkway with Scott’s hand on the small of my back. The heat given off by his hand is enough to make me think I’m thankful he’s prepared. Then another wave of guilt comes.
“Thank you for being a good sport back there. They are just giving me payback from me meddling in their dating lives. Especially Scarlett since she lived with me when she started dating Preston,” I say shamelessly, avoiding eye contact with him.
“No problem, I got the same lectures from my sons, it just happened on the phone and not with you present. I’ll spare you some of the things they told me about dating in today’s world. Also, they thought it would be funny to drop off those preparations at my doorstep today,” he chuckles as he starts the truck.
I lean my head back and laugh with him. I can only imagine the kids meeting one day and what hell they would give us.
I finish buckling my seatbelt, “It’s odd isn’t it? Dating at our age. I never thought in my life that at my age I would be going on a first date again.”
“So you think this is a first date? Does that mean I’m out of, what did your kids call it? A friend zone?”
I blush immediately.
“I suppose you are. Unless this isn’t a date and you want to stay friends,” I rush to add.
He grasps my thigh with his hand and my body lights up with the contact.
“No way. This is definitely a date. I’m just glad you caught up,” he winks.
Scott takes us to the tree farm right outside Lupine Valley. It’s a new tree farm, thank goodness. I don’t think I can relive all these memories with a new man in the same place as I did with Andrew and the girls. I know immediately when he pulls in that he already knows that and it’s why he chose this farm over others that are closer.
“They have some hot chocolate over there. Would you like some before we start looking for the perfect tree?” Scott asks, slowly sliding his hand into mine.
I freeze at the gesture but let his hand take over mine, “Sure, that sounds lovely.”
Scott orders our hot chocolate and we head out in search of a tree once he gets the sled and ax.
“Ok, what are we looking for in this tree? What criteria is most important to the Harper household?” Scott asks as he sweeps his arm out at the expanse of Christmas trees.
“Well first we need a tall one, and second it needs to have full, sturdy branches to hold all of the ornaments we have,” I say looking out at the rows of trees.
“Alright, let’s go find the perfect one.” He laces his gloved fingers with mine once again as we set off down the rows. The first snow of the year has left a fresh coat on all the trees but Scott is intent on inspecting each one fully.
“Over here!” Scott says as he pulls the sled quickly to a tree that appears to fit all my requirements. He runs around the tree just as I get there.
“Oh, not this one.” He comes back out looking defeated.
“What’s wrong with -” I step around the back of the tree, “- oh I see.” The tree is completely bare on the back side!
We spend about an hour looking until we finally find the perfect tree. It is about six feet tall and almost as wide around. It will look perfect in my old farmhouse next to the stone fireplace.
Scott is able to cut it down with ease and we get it on the sled to pull back to the car, with minimal help from me.
On the walk back we keep bumping into each other, brushing hands. It starts slow at first, a brush, tangling one finger with mine, another brush then squeezing my fingers lightly, and finally another brush, and he holds my gaze and my hand. Silently giving me the space to make my own decision about the gesture. I squeeze his hand back and turn my face back to the path in front of us. Both of us finished the walk back to the truck with smiles on our faces.
It surprises me on the way home that I haven’t thought of Andrew as much as I was worried that I would. It turned out to be a wonderful evening. We found the perfect tree, strolled hand in hand through the rows, and sipped on hot chocolate. Scott made me laugh all night and my face hurts from smiling so much.
But now that we are driving home, I’m getting nervous about what happens when Scott drops me off. I don’t have long to worry though as he pulls into the driveway and unbuckles his seatbelt. I feel frozen in fear he might try to kiss me and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet. Holding hands is one thing, but kissing another man?
Scott comes around to my side of the truck, and holds out his hand. “Are you ready?” He asks, obviously unsure of what is keeping me in his car.
“Are you going to kiss me?” I blurt out.
“Lorelei, is that why you aren’t coming out of the truck?”
“Yes. I’m not sure if I’m ready. I’m so sorry.” I hang my head, and look at my feet.
He comes closer to the truck, and places my hands in his. “Lorelei, I am not going to do anything you aren’t ready for. I want you to be ready for everything that happens. I know going on this date with me and acknowledging it was a date was hard for you, and I’m grateful for every moment I get. But I will not push you for anything.” He looks me in the eyes, and I believe him.
I slide out of the truck so we are face to face. Well face to chest because of the height difference. Scott is well over six foot tall.
“Ok. Thank you,” I whisper as I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my cheek to his chest.
He hugs me back and smooths down my hair. “Only what you’re ready for,” he repeats.
He walks me up the sidewalk, and we get the tree stand set up for the tree to come in. Colton and Lacey come down the stairs from putting Oliver to bed and thankfully Colton goes to help Scott with the tree while Lacey and I make sure it will be set up in the perfect spot.
At the end of the night, I walk Scott to his truck, and we hug goodnight. Nothing more, just like he promised earlier. All the awkwardness of me being afraid he would kiss me was forgotten by him, but not by me.
As I walk back to the house looking up to the sky, I whisper to Andrew. “What am I doing? Is this the right thing for me?”
At that moment a shooting star flies across the sky, giving me just the approval from Andrew that I need.