2. December 2nd
December 2nd
Scott
Me: Good morning Beautiful. Tonight will be tree decorating. See you for dinner. Get those Christmas tunes ready to go.
Lorelei: Scott. I appreciate it. But you don’t have to waste your time with me. I’m so sorry about last night, but please don’t feel like you have to continue this tradition with me.
I know that Lorelei is still feeling guilty about her reaction to whether or not I was going to kiss her. I, however, completely understand. She lost her husband five years ago in a tragic way. It’s taken her almost a year to agree to an actual date with me. I am not pushing her and never will. I didn’t lose my wife in that same sense, but it was my fault that we divorced, so I do understand the guilt she feels giving attention to someone else.
Me: You don’t need to be sorry. I’m more than happy to spend any time with you that you’re willing to give. Also, don’t worry about cooking, I’ve got dinner.
Lorelei: I have Oliver tonight. Is that okay?
Me: Of course it is. He will love what I have planned for dinner.
I plan to grab pizza on the way to her house tonight so we can just relax and focus on decorating and enjoying the night. Oliver being there is going to help her relax more. He’s a great kid, and I’m happy he will be there to bring the Christmas cheer that is only brought on by the innocence and magic of childhood. At six years old, Oliver still has all that whimsical magic of Christmas.
I have two pizzas, french fries, a bottle of wine, and some juice for Oliver teetering in my arms as I attempt to ring the doorbell.
“Hey Scott!” Oliver’s big toothless smile greets me at the door, Lorelei not far behind.
“Oh goodness, let me take some of that!” She says, reaching out to grab the wine and juice.
“Thanks. You look beautiful tonight,” she blushes at my compliment.
“What about me? Am I handsome tonight?” Oliver asks, showing me his Christmas pajamas.
“You sure are. I love those pajamas dude. Are you ready for some pizza and tree decorating?”
“Yup! Me and Grammy made cookies too for after dinner.”
“Oh yummy, those are my favorite,” I wink. He runs off into the dining room.
Lorelei goes to the kitchen, pulling down plates and wine glasses. “I was thinking we could bring our pizza in the living room so we can eat and decorate tonight,” she says.
“Grammy, you always say no eating in the living room!” Oliver stands with his hand on his hip.
“Well tonight is special. We’re decorating the tree. But I got a towel for you to sit on just in case.” Oliver walks away giggling, muttering about how he’s a messy kid.
I slide into the kitchen next to Lorelei.
“I’m excited to decorate this tree tonight,” I whisper in her ear. I notice the blush that spreads across her chest, and hope fills mine. Hope that if she has this reaction to me being close that she has more feelings for me than she lets on.
She grabs the plates and hurries around me into the living room with Oliver. I follow with our drinks and place them on the coffee table.
Lorelei puts on some Christmas music and goes off to grab one last box of ornaments. I stand there looking at all the boxes, opening a few of the lids, I’m not sure how all of these are going to fit on the tree but we will have our work cut out.
“Grammy has a lot of ornaments,” Oliver says through a mouth full of pizza, as if he is reading my mind.
“She sure does, and they’re all special to her I bet.” I look into one of the boxes that looks like it houses all homemade ornaments from the girls.
“The one my Grandpa Andrew made is really special. I almost broked it one time and I got in trouble,” he shrugs.
“That one must be extra special I’m sure. We’ll have to make sure we are very careful with it if we find it tonight.”
I begin searching for the lights to go on the tree. Once I find them, Oliver and I begin stringing the lights from the bottom up. Luckily, he is small enough to squeeze behind the tree and run them around to me again.
When we get done with our dance of adding lights, Lorelei is laying all the ornaments out on the table in the dining room adjacent to us.
“You have so many ornaments!” I say looking at all that she has laid out so far.
“Oh gosh, I know. It’s probably time to get rid of some but I can’t bring myself to do that,” she laughs nervously.
“I remember when the boys would bring home their ornaments from school. They were always so excited and we had to have this kind of ceremony after dinner of adding them to the tree. We all had to be together to see the new additions.” I run my hands over a popsicle stick Christmas tree that has Scarlett’s name on it.
I know the exact moment when she finds the one Andrew gave her. She clutches it close to her chest and the tears begin to well in her eyes, my heart aches for her.
I send Oliver to the kitchen with our plates and go over to her, wrapping my arms around her. “Tell me about this one,” I whisper, reaching around her and trying to rescue her from her grief.
“It was from our first Christmas together.” Her tears stream down her face silently. “He bought it for me right before our wedding.”
“I’m sure this one is really special to you. Would you like to place it on the tree now?” I ask, spinning her around to wipe the tears from her cheeks with my thumb.
“No. No. I think it’s time that we keep this one in the box.” She goes to place it back in the bubble wrap for the box.
“Lorelei. You don’t have to erase him from your life. He was your husband for a very long time, and you have built a beautiful life together. He should be celebrated,” I say, opening her hands to see the ornament presented to her so long ago. I was surprised to see a simple clear ornament with some keepsakes inside.
“We didn’t have a lot of money then. He saved little trinkets from our dates and put them all in this ornament,” she whispers to me, her eyes full of tears and memories .
“Then this one should be front and center I think.”
She steps out of my embrace and nods as she walks toward the tree to place it right in the front. I kiss the top of her head, and we stand staring at the ornament for a moment until Oliver comes bouncing back in the room.
“Grammy, can I put these ones on? I like the sparkly ones!” He asks while jumping up and down holding two ornaments in his hands.
“Sure you can sweet boy.” And the moment is broken while she gathers herself and focuses back on Oliver. We carry on as if the moment didn’t happen, but I know it did and it’s in the back of my mind.
Once the tree is decorated, cookies have been eaten, and Oliver has been put to bed, we join each other on the couch. We have the fireplace going, and Christmas music is softly playing in the background.
I’m nervous to ask Lorelei about what she said earlier. She made a comment about it being time to put away the ornament from Andrew. I would never want her to think that she needs to put Andrew away for me. I wring my clammy hands in my lap and try to find the right words.
“Lorelei, I have a question, and I don’t mean it to be offensive so please don’t take it that way.” She sucks in a breath but I continue, “Why did you say it was time to keep your ornaments from Andrew in the box?”
“Oh.” She pauses and seems taken back by my question, “I just- I don’t want you to think I’m always bringing him up, but I guess I am aren’t I? Even if I’m not bringing him up my actions are so all over the place. I’m so sorry. I’m trying to figure this out but I’m failing.” She hangs her head and I hate that she feels shame in this moment.
“Sweetheart, you aren’t failing. There is no roadmap to dating after a loss. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t think about my ex-wife and our kid’s traditions growing up and that is a very different circumstance. You lost Andrew in the most unimaginable way. I’d never expect you to forget him or lock his memories away to make me happy. He’s a part of you, and your girls. I just want the chance to be a part of you too.”
In the most unexpected turn of events, Lorelei’s soft lips are brushing across mine for the briefest moment, I’m frozen in place, stunned by her movement. “Thank you so much. I didn’t know how to handle bringing in someone new, and whether or not I should try to act as if Andrew didn’t exist. I think that’s why I’ve felt so guilty, like I would need to erase him for a new man. I appreciate you keeping his traditions alive and wanting his memories to be present. I didn’t realize what a worry that was until you brought it up. I’d love for you to be a part of our story.”
I take her hands in mine, “Sweetheart, I wouldn’t ask you to forget Andrew, the same you wouldn’t ask me to forget Susan. The traditions we created with them helped shape the people we are now, and who our own children are. The traditions, and the love they felt from us all make up who we are.”
I tell her how my favorite memory with the boys was building gingerbread houses. They were never big fans of school, I always knew they’d go into the trades because they liked to work with their hands. So building gingerbread houses was right up their alley. We’d spend days beforehand jotting down our ideas, drawing out sketches, and creating a shopping list for our building materials. The night of, we’d order some pizza and get to building.
To this day, I love seeing my sons light up when I ask for help building something around the house. I will forever be grateful for Susan showing me what a strength my sons had for building.
I was never the perfect father, or even at times a good father, but our traditions were always important to all of us.
The evening ends with the two of us feeling carefree, snuggling on the couch sharing stories of Christmases past.