Chapter 12 #2
I take the baton. I’m fourth in the pack and I don’t expect to gain any ground, but when my legs start moving and my brain starts ticking, I feel like I’m flying again, and that rush of freedom hits me.
I move into third around the first turn, then catch up to the next girl around the second.
Dark hair and a light blue jersey come into view.
I sprint for her full-out. Extend the baton. Reach for her.
Haley’s face comes into focus. My heart wrenches. I lose my grip.
She takes the baton and sprints away, not realizing that I almost dropped it.
The other thirds float past me, leaving the track, but my feet aren’t working.
I can’t catch my breath. I jam my fingers under the black band around my arm, tug on it, try to get it off.
I can’t breathe. Everyone stares at me, even the sun.
My vision narrows. My ribs crunch down on my lungs, squeezing. I can’t breathe.
I need to be alone. I need to be in the dark.
I stumble toward the field entrance underneath the home stands, the cool interior, the path toward the locker rooms and offices.
I slide into the women’s restroom, where all the stalls are empty.
I close the door, lock myself in. I’m in blessed darkness for half a second before the motion-sensor lights flicker on.
I slide down to the floor and gasp for breath.
Someone knocks. “Evie? Are you okay?” It’s Coach Deemer.
“Fine!” I force the word out. I imagine him standing in the hallway with a bunch of runners.
People who followed me here, who saw me run off, who are going to tell all their friends about it.
So many people watching. I just want to go home, but there’s no way past them.
I hold my throat, willing it to open, but it’s like a thick hand is choking me. I can’t get enough air.
“Your mom is here,” Coach says.
A moment later, my mom’s voice at the door: “Evie, can I come in?”
“No,” I croak. “I’m fine. Give me a few minutes.”
Someone tries the door handle. The lights go off again. There’s hushed talking, then the sound of footsteps moving away. A good number of them. It’s still not safe to come out.
I bury my face in my knees. It finally got me. Expecting her to be there and she wasn’t.
Did she know this would happen to me? Would she have killed herself if she did? If she had known all of this would happen to me and her parents and her brother and everyone who cared about her? That her absence would create a void for us to crumble into?
“Evie.”
His voice is soft and down low to the ground.
“Your mom’s down at the other end of the hallway now,” he says. “It’s just you and me. Are you okay? Can you breathe?”
“Kind of,” I say.
“Is everything else okay? You’re not hurt?”
I laugh. How is this not hurt? But I know what he means. “No, I’m okay.”
“Can I come in?”
“I don’t want you to see me like this.”
“Okay,” he says. “That’s fair. In case it helps, I pretty much like how you look all the time.”
“Pretty much?” I laugh again, slightly less hysterical this time. “What’s the situation where you don’t like how I look?”
“Uhhh . . . I guess when you’re sad. But that’s more of an ‘I don’t like that you’re sad’ situation and less of an ‘I don’t find you attractive when you’re sad’ situation.”
“Nice save.”
“Thank you.”
I wipe my eyes. Unlock the door. Shift to the side so there’s enough room for him to slip in.
Ash locks the door again and sits next to me. “So this is what the girls’ restroom looks like,” he says evenly.
“It’s not authentic without a crying girl,” I reply.
He holds up his arm. “May I?”
I duck underneath it, curling against his side. His arm is heavy across my shoulders, and his other hand comes around to rest on my knee, closing me in a protective circle.
“This fuckin’ sucks,” I say.
“Sure does.”
“You didn’t happen to bring gummies with you, did you?”
“Unfortunately no. I have a strict policy that they don’t leave my bedroom.”
“Ugh. That’s probably a good policy. Why did you come today?”
“To watch you.”
“It doesn’t hurt too much?”
“Everything hurts too much. But I can’t stop doing everything, so I make myself do something. Today, I came here.”
“To hang out with my mom?”
“To watch you run, dummy, like I just said.”
I laugh again. It’s much easier to breathe now, and my shoulders and legs have relaxed. “Sorry. It’s hard to believe people sometimes.”
“When they tell you they’re interested in you?”
“Yeah. I think they want something from me.”
“Well, you’re right, I definitely want something from you.”
I look up.
Ash presses his lips together with good humor. “Your attention.”
I snort. “Oh, well in that case, please, be interested in me. I’m happy to have my attention on anything else right now.”
“Perfect, I’ve been waiting for an excuse.
” Ash pretends to settle in. It’s so theatrical, almost goofy—he never gets this playful around other people.
“You know how graceful you are when you run? You probably don’t, so let me tell you.
I don’t want to be one of those guys who compares women to each other, but if those other girls are gazelles, you’re the lion.
Yeah, maybe they can usually outrun you, but you look like you were made to take people down.
It’s awesome. I was made for soccer, footwork and all that, but you should be playing rugby. God, it would be hot.”
I laugh full-out. For as often as I’ve imagined myself a hunter, I never imagined it would feel so good to have someone else say the same thing.
“You should have seen the face of the girl who came in second in the 800,” I say. “She looked like I stole something from her.”
“Good,” Ash says. “Teach the rest of them some humility. You destroyed them in the relay too, for what it’s worth. I know . . . I know it wasn’t the same, without Alissa there.”
And like that, I’m back to earth. “She left me a note, you know. A riddle.”
“A riddle?”
“Yeah. It was with the Children of Hypnos books, so I think it was supposed to be a riddle. I think she expected to be here when I got it, to be able to help me. Summer 2017, Chilly Chicken, pop the top. Mean anything to you?”
“No. Sorry.”
I sigh. “That’s okay.”
He kisses the side of my head.
“School on Monday is going to be awful,” I say.
He squeezes. “I bet no one says a thing. I bet no one even looks at you.”
What a world that would be. “Are they all still outside the door?”
“Nope. Your mom was talking to Deemer at the end of the hallway. You want me to check?”
“Would you?”
He shifts to his feet, turns the lock, and cracks the door to stick his head outside. “Nobody,” he says, settling beside me again. “You could go out on the parking lot side, if you want. I can be your lookout.”
Not a bad idea. I text my mom to let her know that I’m going to the parking lot, and then Ash and I head out.
It feels like a secret mission, creeping through the dim hallways to get outside without anyone seeing me.
It’s almost fun. How is it that I felt so awful not even twenty minutes ago? I felt like a whole different person.
Since Alissa died, I’ve been a different person. Sometimes I’m all rage and wrath. Sometimes inescapable crushing sadness. Sometimes, with Ash, I’m content. Sometimes, I am Ravenweal.
The old me resurfaces only in glimmers. She’s a fading memory.
I don’t know if she’ll ever fully come back.