Chapter 13
“You’re really tearing through those,” says the receptionist when I go back for my second therapy appointment. I have the fourth CoH book under my arm.
“I think I’m understanding more why Wes is your favorite character,” I say.
She smiles, clearly pleased that I remembered.
It’s easy to talk to her about this. “All the odds are stacked against him, but he still does his best. And the odds get higher and higher and he keeps dealing with them, even when Emery and everyone else think it’s all over.
But what happened to him at the end of the third book . . .”
She nods. “Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we still get fucked.”
I bark a laugh.
“But,” she goes on, “you’re still on the fourth book. That one really highlights why he’s my favorite.”
I find a seat and open the book. Alissa’s signature has gotten even more refined inside the cover, and she also added little doodles of Colt Peacemakers and war hammers around her bookplate.
I kind of expect the receptionist to say something else, to keep trying to talk to me, but she doesn’t.
She stays busy with work at her desk. I guess that’s how it should be, her just being a professional and doing her job, but I’m used to people who show any interest in me, whether real or faked, continuing to talk to me long after I’ve lost interest in the conversation.
It’s confusing.
“Do you talk to all the clients who come in?” I ask her.
She looks up, blinks. “Well. Yes. That is part of my job.”
“No, I mean . . .” I wave the CoH book around. “Do you talk to them about, like, their interests?”
“Sure. Best way I’ve found to make people feel comfortable.”
“So do you just talk to me to make me feel comfortable?”
“Not just, but in part. I’ll stop, if you like.”
“What’s the other part?”
“I like getting to know people.”
“Oh. But I’m, like, a teenager.”
“I can see that.”
I huff. She smiles.
“Is it because a lot of adults don’t treat teenagers like people?” she asks.
“Yes!”
“Would you like it better if I didn’t treat you like a person?”
“No!”
“Okay, great. What’s the problem?”
“There isn’t one. I just . . .” I grasp at air. “What made you like this? Not that ‘this’ is bad, it’s nice, but I don’t get it.”
The receptionist takes my blathering in stride.
Doesn’t seem to get worked up by it, is maybe a little amused.
She rests her chin on her palm. “I take it easy,” she says.
“I say hello to myself in the morning. I eat a well-rounded breakfast. I get eight hours of sleep a night. I don’t expect anything of anyone except to be respected, and I give them respect in return. ”
“You sound like a hippie.”
“There are way worse things to sound like than a hippie, trust me.”
I pick at the corner of my book. My voice lowers. “I’ve never been very good at having conversations with people. Life would be easier if I was. I could have made more close friends, and I wouldn’t feel like I do now.”
She makes a noise in her throat. “You may want to talk to Anna about that last part. But the first part, I understand what you mean completely. I had to learn how to do it.”
“But why do we have to learn? There are people who are naturally good at it—what’s wrong with me that I’m not one of them? What do they have that I don’t?”
She holds up a hand. “Here is my hot take. No one is naturally good at talking to other human beings. Some people have fewer inhibitions and so they can talk without caring what they say, but their unrestrained talking can get them in trouble. Then you have people who have every inhibition, every anxiety, about talking to others. Both of these types of people can learn how to communicate better. Some people have farther to go than others. Some have more obstacles in their way. But everyone has to learn. If you think I’m good at talking to people, it’s only because I’ve had, like, twice as long to practice as you have. ”
The idea that I could be like her one day strikes me. Calm, carefree, having easy conversations with strangers. Not being on guard about what I’m thinking, or what I’m going to say to someone next. I can’t fathom it.
The door next to her desk opens. Anna leans out. “Evie, you ready?”
The receptionist smiles at me as I follow Anna into her office.
It’s a knowing smile, but also a friendly one, and it makes me feel like I’ve been inducted into a secret society I never knew existed.
I don’t know what mental issues the receptionist has had in her life, but she has had them, she knows what this feels like.
And she came out the other side.
My new computer arrives a week early, while Mom is out of the house, so I put it together and toss all the foam and cardboard into the trash and recycling. She’ll see the setup in my room eventually, but as long as the packaging isn’t piled up in the garage, it’ll delay her. And her questions.
The new layout is exactly what I wanted.
Two monitors, side by side, so I can have CoH open on one and my browser open on the other.
Mechanical keyboard, mouse, headset, tower, a ton of RAM, and a graphics card that would melt a lesser motherboard.
I didn’t know anything about computers before CoH. Now I could put one together myself.
It took another night to install the game, but when I logged on, the difference in performance was like riding on a motorcycle when I’d only ever had a scooter.
The game hummed. None of the graphics lagged or jumped now.
The detail resolution was through the roof—I didn’t even know Raven had that many straps and buckles on her armor!
—and when I logged in, the draw distance was so far I could see clear across Fenhallow’s campus.
The computer purred. I ran around for a bit, marveling at the other characters, at Raven, at the scenery.
Clan chat was already abuzz.
[VegaV]: Hey Rave
[Faustus]: Hey Raven
[fireballboy]: i’m doing CoN again right now but we’ll be done in 15
[Mox]: Ah okay
[Zookini]: Hey Raven
[Ravenweal]: Hi all
[Ravenweal]: What’s on the docket today? Anyone running Vaults? I need one more thing.
[Healzzzorz]: I’ll go
[Faustus]: I’ll also join for whatever, I don’t have anything going on right now.
[Zookini]: I’ll tank for you.
My heart shoots into my throat. I’ve never been in a group with Zoo before.
I’ve been looking for an opportunity, but he only groups with the best of the best, his ringleaders at the top of the guild.
He’s done all of these dungeons a billion times.
He doesn’t need anything from them that he doesn’t get in his daily and weekly quest runs.
If he’s offering to tank for us, there has to be a reason beyond boredom.
I make a new tab in chat to whisper to Ash.
[Ravenweal]: ???!!!
[Faustus]: He’s got to be scoping you for the raid. He wouldn’t do Vaults otherwise.
[Ravenweal]: HELL YEAH
I switch back to clan chat.
[Ravenweal]: Thanks, Zoo! That’d be awesome.
[Zookini]: No worries :D Summon me once you’re there. I’m good whenever.
[Healzzzorz]: Lemme check auctions real quick, then I’ll be ready
[Faustus]: Raven, send the group invite
[Ravenweal]: Done.
[fireballboy]: hey Zoo after Vaults is done you wanna tank for Winter Palace so I can DPS?
[Zookini]: lol no.
[fireballboy]: :(
I don’t know much about Zoo, but I know he doesn’t fuck around, and I get the feeling he doesn’t like people who fuck around much either.
I carefully check over my stats, my equipment, my inventory, making sure there isn’t anything I need to change or sell or buy before we head into the dungeon. I can’t go in unprepared.
In the chat with Ash, I type.
[Ravenweal]: I’m nervous
[Faustus]: He wouldn’t be doing this if you didn’t have serious chops. There’s nothing to worry about. I’ll be there with you.
[Faustus]: The fact that you got to where you are this quickly, without prior knowledge of the game or even of MMOs in general, is a huge feat. He knows you’re for real.
[Faustus]: Also if I could give you one of these gummies I absolutely would.
[Ravenweal]: You’re going to do a dungeon high? With Zoo?
[Faustus]: I’ve been playing high since I started taking them. I think it makes me better.
[Faustus]: Also, if anyone tries to tell you Zoo doesn’t do weed on the daily, that’s a fuckin lie.
[Faustus]: I know for a fact he does.
I do wish Ash could give me some of those gummies right now.
My shirt is already sticking to my back with sweat.
I’ve done the Dream Vaults instance before, several times, and I know I’m good at it.
I try to think of this like a track meet.
Yes, this time the stakes are higher. But the motions are the same.
The goal is the same. Do what you do. Perform your best.
Ash was right also. No one looked at me on Monday when I went back to school after the track meet. If anything, they ignored me. People are very good at ignoring pain.
[Ravenweal]: You good, Healz?
[Healzzzorz]: Yep good to go
I open another screen. It’s a map of the Sleeping City, complete with streets, parks, and neighborhood names.
Zones, instances, and raids are all marked.
So are important quest locations, although I don’t have too many of those markers now that I’m at the level cap.
I navigate to the icon for Dream Vaults.
A window comes up showing the instance name and description, level suggestion, and available quests. Two selections are available.
ENTER INSTANCE
and
ENTER TEAM
I select ENTER TEAM.
The game will have prompted my three teammates to enter the instance. I go to a loading screen, and when we’re all ready, our characters are teleported to the beginning of the instance.