Chapter 12 Hidden Diary
After we got together, Gu Chao Nan memorized all my preferences.
He handled food, clothing, housing, transportation.
Even brief separations, he reported everything in detail.
Friends said his attentiveness and care were almost inhuman.
They couldn't imagine a man full of sharp wildness and love for thrills being so clingy in love.
Only I noticed Gu Chao Nan's hidden side.
His possessiveness toward me was extreme, even to the point of paranoid madness.
He couldn't tolerate even normal interactions with other men.
Scarily, Gu Chao Nan disguised it well.
All the surging undercurrents were hidden under a calm mask.
Until I accidentally found his diary in a hidden compartment.
It was filled with overwhelming affection for me that I couldn't bear.
He feared he would hurt me.
So he chose pain to awaken his reason.
I once saw him in the bathroom, cutting blood marks on his waist and abdomen.
I was used to reciprocating equal emotions.
But Gu Chao Nan's love exceeded my understanding.
I couldn't return it.
Continuing would only destroy us both, so I left.
Unexpectedly, he didn't pester or try to find me.
A year passed peacefully.
But in midnight dreams, I always recalled the bloody bathroom scene.
People are complex; they can't accept things calmly, nor be thoroughly selfish.
Until I received an email from a ski resort.
There was a graffiti wall; Gu Chao Nan and I joined a one-year promise activity.
The resort promised to send us the latest photo annually.
It was a promotional tactic, yet it carried good memories.
After opening the email, I stared for a long time.
No traces of other tourists.
It became Gu Chao Nan's exclusive diary.
Densely recording his weekly updates.
He said he followed my words and saw a psychologist.
He said he got a Samoyed, taking it out in leisure time to sunbathe.
He said he collected many out-of-print horror movies; I should like them.
He said his cooking improved a lot; friends praised it.
He said the wounds had scabbed; he wouldn't hurt himself anymore.
...
Coolness on my chin; only then did I know I cried.
I didn't cry when divorcing Xie Yi Heng.
I didn't cry when deciding to break up with Gu Chao Nan.
Why cry now?
Sadness pierced my heart belatedly.
Turns out, I missed him too.