29. Abdicating
29
Abdicating
Anton
A s Rose starts pointing out her favorite spots in Cashmere Cove, I can’t help but imagine our life here…together. I know I’m about fifteen steps ahead, but now that I’ve got Rose back, I want to keep her forever. I’m thinking engagement. Marriage. A family. The whole deal.
Looking around this quaint town, even in the dead of winter, I can see it now. This is everything I’ve ever wanted in a home base.
Bonus points for it being less than a half hour’s drive from Green Bay, so as long as my football career lasts—and I have every intention of retiring as a River Fox—I’ll be close to work during the season.
There’s just one tiny detail I need to work out. I’m a prince, and there are…expectations of where I’ll live and work and spend my time.
“I feel like I’ve been doing all the talking.” Rose squeezes my bicep, drawing me out of my thoughts. “Tell me something about you.”
“What would you like to know?”
She hums next to me. “Plans for Christmas?”
I tense involuntarily, and she notices. “Is that a sore subject? We don’t have to go there if you don’t want. I thought—”
“No. It’s fine, Rosie. Not your fault.” I sigh.
She stays silent, waiting on me.
“My mother is coming into town. ”
Rose’s foot catches on the lip in the sidewalk, and I reach out and steady her.
“Yeah, the thought of having her around makes me want to face plant too.”
She lets out a strangled laugh. “Sorry. I know we shouldn’t joke about it, but…yeah.”
I blow out a breath. “My mother has a way of ruining everything.”
“Well, now, that’s not fair.” Rose is trying to be politically correct, but she doesn’t need to.
“It’s the truth.”
She’s quiet for a beat before admitting, “She’s intimidating.”
“And domineering, bossy, narcissistic, and stuck in her ways.” I hold up my fingers, counting off. “To name a few of her charming qualities.”
Rose winces. “When does she get here?”
“This weekend. I’ll be at our away game when she arrives. But then we’ll do an early Christmas in the States. She has to be back in Penwick for the actual holiday celebrations at the end of December. Heaven forbid her own family would take precedence over the country.” I sigh. “I don’t mean to sound bitter. I’m mostly okay with it. But every once in a while, it gets under my skin. Especially because I’m expected to do the same. I’m mad at myself because for all of my life, I have done the same. I’ve said yes to whatever was asked of me by my country, no matter the personal detriment or my true feelings about it.”
Rose looks up at me, and there’s no pity in her gaze, nor do I see any annoyance. There’s just understanding, and if I’m not mistaken, respect. “I’ll be there for you—if you want me to be. Or if not, I’ll make myself scarce.”
I bend toward her and capture her lips with mine. It’s an awkward kiss because we’re walking side by side, but the fact that she offered, that she understands how challenging it is for me to face my mother alone, means the world .
“Don’t ever make yourself scarce around me. I want all of you, all the time. The good. The bad. The snarky. I want your best days and your worst ones, and if you’ll have mine, I’ll share them all with you too.”
Rose holds out her hand. I stare down at it and then ping my gaze up questioningly.
“It’s a deal.” Rose wiggles her fingers. “I thought we should shake on it to make it official.”
“Right. Of course.” I take her proffered hand in mine and give it a firm shake.
I bend and kiss her again.
“It’s way more fun to seal something with a kiss than a handshake,” I tell her when she pulls back.
“Fair.” She turns us down a side road. “Wool Beach is right up this way.”
I hear the scrape of the water hitting the shore as we approach, and when we crest the edge of the cove, the sight before me steals my breath.
The water is coal black near the shore with some patches of solid ice. The moon shines off of it, reflecting a creamy glow across the wide expanse. The trees creak beneath the weight of the fresh snow, and it smells like earthy, cold air and pine.
“This place is incredible.”
Rose bobs her head and shivers.
“You’re cold. Come here.” I pull her in front of me and wrap my arms around her, holding her back to my chest.
She burrows in. “This is a favorite local spot. We keep it secret from the tourists so it doesn’t get overrun. We have bonfires out here and cool off in the summer months. There’s a great view of the fireworks over the lake too.”
“I can picture it.”
“We can come back this summer if you want.” Her voice holds all the hope I feel in my chest.
I bend and kiss her behind the ear. “Promise?” I whisper .
She shivers, but I don’t think it’s from the cold this time. “You have my word.”
I tip my chin up and stare out over the water. We stand in silence for a while. My head is full of all things Rose, and I can’t help but long to unload a secret I’ve been carrying around.
She’s someone I would trust this with. It’s a big thing. But if not her, then who?
“Can I tell you something? Off the record?” I ask.
She scooches more deeply into my embrace. “Go ahead.”
I exhale. “I’m thinking of abdicating.”
Rose freezes in my arms before she slowly swivels her head and stares at me. I keep my eyes straight ahead for an extra second before glancing down and meeting her gaze.
“Abdicating?” she probes.
“Yeah.” My tongue is thick in my mouth as I try to figure out a way to explain. The weight of failure that I associate with it presses painfully down upon my shoulders.
“Like forfeiting your position as prince of Penwick?”
“Pretty much. But I don’t know if I’m brave enough.”
“You are,” she says without hesitation. “How long have you been thinking about this?”
“Years, I think,” I admit. “My whole life maybe. Even before I knew there was a word for it or that it was an option. But I’ve been looking into it more recently. Since I’m only twenty-eight, I could give my mom and the palace some forewarning so they could get things arranged for succession. I’d like to still work for Penwick, behind the scenes, but not as the king.”
“Have you told anyone?” Rose asks.
I shake my head. “Not yet. Does that make me cowardly?”
“Not at all. It’s a big decision.”
“It is.”
“You want to talk me through it? Or not. Either way.”
I blow out a breath, grateful for the space she’s holding for me. “I’ve always felt suffocated in Penwick. Getting out and coming here was the best thing I’ve ever done. I love my life and getting to play the sport I love. I think I can make a difference here. I know I could make a difference in Penwick too, but not on my own terms. Everything is dictated to me, and I’m expected to fall in line. I don’t love my life as a prince. That’s what it comes down to.”
Rose chews on her lip. “It seems like you’ve made your decision.”
“Yes and no. I can’t help but think I’m acting selfishly. I’m not someone who walks away when there’s a job to do. But I’m already a miserable prince. I’d be an even more unhappy king. I’m sure of it. So, I don’t know what to do.”
Rose blows out a breath. “You’re not selfish, Anton. You are the least selfish person I know. Maybe it’ll be difficult for some people to swallow the change in their expectations, but you’ve been forging your own path for as long as I’ve known you. I admire that about you. You know who you are and what you want. I wish I could say the same.”
“Hey now.” I’m not about to let her diss herself.
She spins in my arms and puts a hand against my lips to silence my protest. “I know. I know. I’m working on it, okay?”
I blow out a breath and nod.
“It’s not easy to push against expectations, but if you do that here, you’d be doing it not in an unappreciative or untasteful way, but with integrity and your focus on the greater good.”
I nod slowly. “Truthfully, Duke would make a better king than I would.”
Rose freezes and cocks her head to the side. “Duke? Really?”
“He loves our country. He’s a better fit that I am.”
Rose looks thoughtful, and we lapse into silence. She rests her head against my shoulder and wraps her arms around my waist. It’s a simple hug but incredibly intimate. I feel safe in her arms. It’s a gift .
“You don’t think I’m crazy?” I say after a couple minutes. “Wanting to give it all away? To stay here in the States?”
“I don’t think you’re crazy. Your mom might,” she adds ruefully. “You should talk to her about all of this. You may as well get out in front of it.”
“I know.” I sigh. “I’m dreading it.”
“Don’t blame you there.”
“She’ll consider me a blight on her good name and her legacy. If I go through with this, I will be the single greatest letdown of her life. I don’t know if I can handle that.”
Rose cups my face in her hands, her eyes flashing blue flames. “You are anything but a letdown, and if your mom makes you feel that way, then that’s her issue, not yours.”
I close my eyes. “Thanks for letting me unload all that on you…off the record.”
She chuckles softly, her warm breath caressing my jaw. “I’m glad to listen. And”—she pauses, and I blink my eyes open—“I’m here for you.”
I believe her, and it feels so good to have someone in my corner. I drop a kiss on the top of her head and hold her tighter.
I don’t remember the last time I was this content. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I know what I want out of my life…mostly because I know who I want by my side.