30. Who I Am
30
Who I Am
Rose
“ L ennox… Sir… DAD.”
My dad’s head snaps up from the computer screen he’s been staring at for the last five minutes.
“What is it, Rose?” His voice is snippy.
I want to roll my eyes, but I keep it professional. “I have something to tell you about Bates, and I think you should hear it…without distractions.”
He clicks around but then finally swivels his chair toward me. “Fine. I’m listening.”
I shift on my feet, suddenly nervous. I drove from Cashmere Cove to the outskirts of Green Bay, where our temporary offices are located, to say this in person. But now…
“I’m waiting, Rose. What’s so important that you needed this meeting? I’ve got a lot on my plate.”
I clasp my hands behind my back. Just say it, Rose. “I’m in love with Anton.”
My dad doesn’t blink. He holds my gaze—blue eyes staring back at mine. He doesn’t speak, and I know he’s calculating his next words carefully.
When the silence turns so loud I’m afraid my ear drums are going to burst, he cracks and barks out a laugh. “No, you’re not.” He swivels his chair back to his computer screen. “Is that all?”
I step forward, nerves replaced by annoyance and resolve. I use my foot to move his chair back in my direction. “No. That’s not all. And yes, I am.”
My dad’s shoulders slump, and he gives me a pitying look. “Rose, honey—”
“Don’t ‘honey’ me.” Fury rises up in my chest. He lost that right a long time ago.
He holds up his hands, at least having the decency to look sheepish. “Sorry. Sorry. But I don’t see why we’re even having this conversation. You’re not in love with Anton.”
“ Yes, I am.”
He shakes his head. “You can’t be. Not in your role as his security—someone assigned to protect him. And not really ever. We’ve been down this road.”
I grit my teeth. We haven’t exactly been down this road, because when I told my dad I loved Anton five years ago, he told me I wasn’t allowed to love him—or anyone, really—if I wanted to do this job well, and then he told me the palace in Penwick no longer needed my services, and I was being sent on an overseas assignment, so I needed to end things with Anton.
And I did. I didn’t push back. I didn’t fight.
But I’m going to fight this time around. I’m choosing a different path. Robert Frost would be proud.
“You can’t tell me how I feel. That’s up to me.”
He rolls his eyes. “Fine. I guess that’s true. But what’s also true is that you’re under contract to do your job. There’s no room for a relationship in our line of work. What about the overseas promotion? It’s all you’ve ever wanted.”
“What I want changed.” It’s as simple as that. I’m still figuring out exactly what I want in place of that position. I’m still finding my footing. But wherever I land, I want Anton in the picture. I want to come clean with him about my feelings and about my assignment. I’m sick and tired of keeping secrets—from him and everyone else. “I want to tell him the truth about the threat on his life and about the role I’ve been playing in protecting him.”
My dad narrows his gaze at me. “That’s absolutely out of the question. ”
“Why?”
“Because you’d be in breach of your contract with Penwick. They could sue you until you didn’t have a dime left to your name. They could make your life absolutely miserable. Your credibility, the good name and reputation that you’ve spent years building…all of it would be gone. I won’t let you ruin your life for some man you’re infatuated with.”
The blood rises to my face, and I feel my cheeks flush. I know that I’m bound by my contract, but I want my dad to fight for me. To see my side for once. To help me figure out how to get out of it and to recognize that this is in the best interest of our client as well.
“But—”
“No, that’s it. Conversation over.”
“What if there was a good reason for coming clean with Anton?” I hurry to say. “What if it could actually help keep him safe?”
My dad scoffs. “The man has never once accepted security or extra protection. That’s the whole reason we’ve had to go about all this undercover business. Coming clean would do nothing but irritate him and put his life more in jeopardy.”
“Not necessarily.” I’ve been weighing my options, trying to figure out how much of what Anton told me last night I can disclose without completely betraying his confidence. I want him to have the chance to talk to his mom about his plans to abdicate, but I also want to keep him safe. If this news gets out, and Duke finds out that there’s no one in his way on his quest for the throne, then the threat against Anton’s life all but disintegrates.
I like the sound of that.
My dad is watching me closely. “What do you know, Rose? You better not be withholding information. We’re counting on your reports to be complete and accurate. That’s what Queen Della hired us for, and if you’re falling down on the job or concealing information, we’re going to have issues. ”
It’s my turn to roll my eyes. “Give me a break, Lennox. You know I’m good at my job. I have been for almost a decade.”
“Things change. People change.” My dad’s eyes flash, and he points at me. “Clearly. Look at you, leading with emotion. You’re usually so clinical and detached.”
He’s not wrong. I’ve become so much like him over the past several years, keeping those closest to me at a distance, because I thought all I had was this job. It was something I was good at, and it was a connection to the father who abandoned me. This job has become my identity. As a result, I’ve shuttered everything else of meaning.
But the thought of my whole life as a security agent going up in flames doesn’t freak me out like it would have last month. Then, I didn’t know what I’d be without it. But now? I kind of can’t wait to figure out what I could be…what comes next for me.
In order to get to what’s next, I need to keep Anton safe, so…
“There might be a change in the line of succession in Penwick.” I cross my arms and wait for my words to land.
My dad’s eyes widen a fraction of an inch before he schools his features into the same perpetually even expression I’ve come to associate with him. I swear the man has completely suppressed all his emotions.
“I’m listening.”
“It’s not my place to say more.”
“It darn well is. Tell us what you’ve found out.” He motions to the room, where one of our colleagues has now joined us.
I hate that I’m about to betray Anton’s confidence, but I’m doing it for his safety and for the greater good of coming out from the shadows. I pray he’ll understand when everything comes to light.
“Anton is planning to abdicate.”
My dad flinches so hard his rolling chair moves backward and bumps into the desk. “He told you that?”
I nod.
“When? ”
“Last night. I told you, I’m not withholding information, Lennox.”
Terry, our colleague, immediately starts typing on the computer, but my dad stares me down. “You think this changes the threat against him?”
“If the threat is coming from someone within the Penwick palace or the royal line, then wouldn’t this massive change-up affect their plans?”
“But nobody knows?”
I shake my head. “He said I was the first person he told.”
I keep my expression even because I can play my dad’s game too, but my lips tingle from where I kissed Anton last night. I absently bring my fingers up and touch them because they feel like they’re on fire even now. I don’t take it lightly that Anton trusted me enough to share his plans. I’m going to earn that trust with honesty.
My dad squares his shoulders. “We need to alert—”
“Nobody’s alerting anyone.” My tone is firm.
My dad’s eyebrows arch. “You literally said that this information could have a massive impact on Anton’s safety, and now what? You’re telling me to sit on it?”
“Not forever. Just until Anton has a chance to tell his family on his terms. We owe it to him.”
“We don’t owe him anything but his safety. That’s what we were hired to ensure.”
I wet my lips, trying not to let my creeping fear about whether or not this is the right call show. I don’t know that I’d ever forgive myself if waiting to share this information somehow put Anton in greater danger.
“We’re doing that. We’re protecting him. We’ve done a good job. His mom is coming into town this weekend. He’ll tell her then. I can even encourage it.” I shake off the icky feeling of being a puppet master and press on. “I’m sure Duke will lay off whatever he’s planning once he realizes that Anton will be out of his way. ”
“You can’t know that for sure.”
“None of us can know anything for sure, but I’d say it’s a logical bet. We can assess more after this information gets through the Penwick channels.” I glance to Terry, looking for some backup.
His gaze pings between me and Lennox, and he looks like a deer in the headlights.
“Rose has a point,” he says after a beat, and I want to cheer. Instead, I keep my face placid and make a mental note to buy Terry an extra-nice Christmas present. “Letting Anton spill the beans about his plans doesn’t really hurt us or him, does it? In fact, it may protect our position here. If word got out, he’d know Rose was behind the leak, and he might start asking questions. Better for it all to happen organically.”
“Exactly.” I shoot Terry a grateful smile.
My dad’s mouth is set in a firm line. “Fine, but if we get any new intelligence, I reserve the right to change my mind.
I dip my chin in acknowledgement and change the subject. “Do we have any other intel about what Duke is planning? Did Charles report in yesterday or today?”
Seriously, I’d like to know if that guy gets as much crap as I do, because I doubt it.
Lennox shakes his head. “Per Charles, Duke has been stowed away in his hotel room, working. He’s acting pretty unassuming, I’ll give him that.”
I weigh this. “I don’t like it. I feel like we’re missing something. Why hasn’t Duke made his move?”
“He could be lulling Anton into a false sense of security,” my dad suggests.
“But why would he need to do that at all? Anton doesn’t suspect him. Anton doesn’t know what we know. He’d have no reason to question Duke. Why not get in and get out? Get it all over with.”
“Who knows why criminals do what they do?” Lennox shrugs. “It’s not our job to understand them. It’s our job to prevent their plans from going through. ”
I can’t argue with him there. Still, I don’t like it. “What are Duke’s plans for the rest of the week?”
“According to Charles, Duke wants to go sightseeing. He does have a meeting blocked out on his calendar for Thursday evening. There’re no details listed, and Charles hasn’t been able to get any information out of him about who it’s with or what it’s about.”
I square my shoulders. “Charles will be there, though?”
“As far as I know, yes.”
“As far as you know?”
“Rose, you are not point on this case. I agreed to let you have your way about sharing Anton’s news, but I’d appreciate if you let me do my job without the condescension,” Lennox snaps.
I hold up my hands. “I’m not trying to make trouble. I want to ensure Anton’s safety, that’s all. That’s my job.”
My dad hits me with a hard look. “Because it’s your job or because you love him?” He ends his statement with a scoff.
“Can’t it be both?”
“No. You’re a liability if your feelings are involved.”
“I disagree. I can use my feelings to my advantage.”
My dad shakes his head. “You say that, but in practice, it never works.”
“I’ll make it work.”
Terry continues to watch us like he’s ready to pull out a bowl of popcorn and settle in for the show. My father notices his keen interest and sets his jaw. There’s nothing he dislikes more than making a scene. “We’ll table this discussion for the time being, but think long and hard about your feelings of love .” He uses air quotes. “Because you’re going to have to choose. Him or the job. And this job is all you have. It’s who you are. I’d hate to see you give that up for a man.”
I don’t react. I don’t let on that my heart pounds in each and every one of my fingertips and even down in my toes. I refuse to believe that what he’s said is true. I think about Anton’s list. About his belief in me. I can be more than who the agency—who my father—tells me to be. I am more than that.