Chapter 11
~
June
“Huh, would you look at that,” Madison said, squinting at her phone screen as though she couldn’t properly decipher what she was seeing.
“What’s up?” I asked, pulling my ponytail through its final loop. We were getting ready to walk to our first joint class together; a Master Planning and Design seminar that combined both the final year urban development and architecture classes.
We’d both been looking forward to it, considering we shared no other classes between our different majors. Mads looked up at me. “We’ve had a last-minute change of professor. And you’ll never guess who the substitute is.”
I frowned, an odd feeling in my gut. “Are you gonna make me guess?”
“Older. Ruggedly handsome. Somehow wears the hell out of a good cardigan,” she said breezily, watching my expression carefully.
My face blanched.
“Ronan?” I asked incredulously.
“Yep. Your hot Friday night date himself,” she replied.
My ears burned at her words, but I ignored the comment. I’d obviously opted not to divulge the details of the rest of the night. I knew that she’d have a lot to say about that, and well, it would be nothing I didn’t already know.
“What happened to Professor Bass?” I asked.
She shrugged. “I’m not sure. There were some ugly rumors floating around campus about him getting caught drunk off his ass and half naked in one of the lecture halls. I’m not sure how much truth there is to that but if that’s the case then the school did a pretty good job of damage control.”
I hummed, considering. “Well, we better get to class.”
“You’re not gonna have a ritualistic panic attack?” Mads asked in mock surprise.
“Nope,” I said. “I’m turning over a new leaf. Been reborn, if you will.”
If only she knew just how true that statement was.
I was actually nervous at the thought of attending a class taught by Ronan.
But there was too much for me to think of all at once to focus on that.
I was so tired of always turning every consequence over in my mind before I could even enjoy the thrill of the mistake.
“Well, I’ll be damned,” Mads said, looking genuinely impressed. “Being bold is a good look on you, June. I’m proud.”
I laughed a little at the irony.
But I pretended as though it was just another morning as we made our way to the lecture hall and met up with Chloe, James and a few of Madison’s friends from her architecture course.
We picked out our seats and settled down, making idle conversation until Ronan finally walked in. I braced myself, wondering if this was going to be a repeat case of what happened with Lucas.
But Ronan showed no signs of entertaining any weird dynamic between us.
Though there was a stark difference between Professor Locke and Ronan, sparks of his personality came through even with his professional and commanding teaching style.
And when I remembered just how he translated that command in his personal life…
I lowered my eyes and carried on typing out notes on my laptop.
Testing, I raised a hand later to answer a question and Ronan called on me with no difference in tone or expression than he had any other student.
But despite being happy that I didn’t have to worry about him treating me differently after what we did, I couldn’t help but wish that things could be the same with Lucas.
I missed our old conversations. He hadn’t texted me again after that night but I had a feeling that there’d be another “talk” somewhere down the pipeline and I found that it wasn’t something I was looking forward to. Not with how things stood between us currently.
An older man scuttled into the venue through the front entrance, gesturing at Ronan. I recognized him as Mr. Halliwell, the head of the urban planning department. He pulled Ronan aside, speaking feverishly.
Something inside of me twisted, my nerves suddenly starting to fray at the edges. It was getting harder to stop thinking too hard again. Ronan didn’t look very happy but he said something and nodded, watching as Mr. Halliwell moved to the podium and cleared his throat ceremoniously.
“Michael Sutton, get your things and follow me, please,” he said.
Everyone started looking around until a boy stood up from three rows behind us, his face pale and mouth pulled into a tight line as though he knew what was coming. He packed up his bag and made a quick descent down to the front where he was marched out of the venue by Halliwell.
“I know that kid,” Mads said quietly to me. “He’s in my class.”
The other students around us burst into frenzied whispers once the door slammed shut behind Mr. Halliwell and Michael. A girl sitting further down our row called over to Madison.
“I told you it was true!”
I looked in confusion at Mads who simply shook her head. “There were rumors going around about sexual harassment charges being filed,” she explained to me. “Something between him and either a professor or tutor on campus.”
A silent warning flickered in her eyes. I turned to face the front, ignoring the ensuing talk around us as Ronan tried to quiet the class down. But the carefree facade I’d tried so hard to build up since Friday night was crumbling.
I felt sick to my stomach and my head began to swim. All of the intrigue and desire and curiosity about continuing on with this foolishness suddenly vanished, dampened by a guilt so heavy that it was crushing my lungs.
I needed to get out of here.
Without so much as a word to either my friends or the Professor at the podium, I grabbed my things and ran out of class.
Hallways and classrooms blurred past me as I made my way out of the building. I felt hot all over, itchy in my palms. I needed to do something that would get my mind to shut up for even just a little bit. I needed a break from myself.
Today would’ve been an excellent day for one of Coach Hayes’s sadistic training sessions. Still, the gym was open twenty-four seven; I knew that I could go there and workout on my own.
I redirected my steps and didn’t even bother stopping at the dorms to change first.
*
I lost count of the number of reps I cranked out on the rowing machine.
What I did know was that I was pushing my body beyond any limit I’d run up against before.
I felt it everywhere; in the ache of my back muscles and quads and the pressure I was putting on the joints of my knees as I repeated the explosive movement over and over again.
Sweat dripped down my face, matting flyaways to my skin, and my breathing was coming out in raspy huffs.
But still, I pushed.
My motivation veered from mere distraction to an odd form of self-punishment. The nausea I’d been pushing down reared up again, the corners of my vision began to darken and I knew that I was on the verge of passing out.
“Hey, stop!” I felt a hand on my back and let go of the handbar in shock, the weights at the back of the machine dropping with a loud clang as the stack of weights hit the stopper.
I was panting, all the uncomfortable physical sensations of exhaustion hitting me at once as I turned to look at the stranger who’d stopped me. Only to discover that it wasn’t a stranger at all.
Oren’s dark blue eyes were filled with concern as he handed me an unopened bottle of water from one of the vending machines nearby. “Here. You look like you need this more than I do.”
I was too mentally out of it to even decline the offer and immediately started drinking.
Once I’d downed half of it, I shakily climbed off the machine and just sat on the floor, leaning over with my elbows on my thighs.
“Are you alright?”
I finally looked up to acknowledge him, shame and embarrassment vying for the emotion of the moment. “Yeah. I’m okay.”
I tried handing the bottle back to him, not knowing what else to do and he shook his head. “Keep it. Look, Miss Price, I don't think it’s a good idea for you to be pushing yourself this hard.”
“It’s nothing,” I insisted, giving myself another minute or two before I would force myself to get up again. “I’m just training for the derby that’s coming up. The first round is this weekend, actually.”
He folded his arms across his chest, that expression of concern still fixed on his face.
“I understand that, and I genuinely admire your dedication to your sport. But you have limits. Your final exams are also coming up soon and you won’t be able to give it your best if you’re exhausting yourself beforehand.
I know how important this last year is to you, and the impact that you want to make.
You can’t do that if you’re driving yourself to death in the gym. ”
There was nothing in his voice but soft kindness, and somehow it just made me feel even more shitty. I’d fucked two of his friends, two of my professors all within the span of a few months. I’d put my future and their reputations on the line and for what?
I didn’t deserve any kindness from Oren at all. I was selfish, reckless, dumb.
I felt tears prick my eyes and blinked them away, looking down so he wouldn’t see.
“I am happy I got to bump into you now, though. I have some good news,” he said.
When I was sure I was no longer at risk of crying, I looked up again.
“Do you recall that I mentioned I have a friend who works with Muller & Co.’s recruiters?
Well, I’ve managed to set up a meeting for you.
It’s some time next week but there should be enough time for you to—”
“I can’t do it,” I said bluntly, cutting him off. My voice was deadpan but inside was nothing but chaos. “I’m sorry. Thank you for going through all that effort for me but I can’t do it.”
Oren frowned, looking confused. “But… I thought that you’d be ecstatic at the news. Isn’t this what you wanted?”
My legs were still semi shaky as I stood up and grabbed my bag. “Again, I’m sorry.”
I couldn’t bring myself to say anything else and stormed off to the dorms, wishing I could just run away from everything. I felt bad about rejecting Oren’s effort to help me but there was no way I could accept it in good faith.
Hell, I probably wouldn’t even be able to focus if I’d taken him up on it. I didn’t know how I was going to regain my focus at all any time soon.
How had I managed to screw everything up so badly?