Chapter 11 #2
“I don’t know. It’s the first day of school, and everyone already seems to know me, like…
like they’re all counting on me to perform or something, but I don’t know them.
The possibility of letting anyone down feels big.
Then I realized that this is what it’s going to be like for the rest of my life.
These expectations from strangers.” He squeezes my hand and draws in some air.
“Anyways, I started feeling pressure in my chest and then I couldn’t breathe. ”
“I think you had a panic attack.”
“Oh.”
We huddle on the floor for a few minutes in silence. Danny remains largely motionless, looking straight ahead with a vacant expression. I’m fixated on him, unblinking, searching for any signs he might relapse into panic.
He opens his mouth to speak again, and his tongue makes a dry clicking sound, unsticking itself from the roof of his mouth. “I think I’m, uh, thirsty.”
Reaching into my backpack, I pull out a bottle of juice from lunch and hand it to him. He twists the top off and gulps it down, shooting me a grateful look. “Thank God you were here. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”
Reaching behind him with my free hand, I start to rub small circles on his back. “Do you want to play Facts and Feelings?”
Danny nods slowly, a little color returning to his face. He gives me a weak smile. “But you already know how I feel.”
I think for a moment. “Well, here’s my fact: Cheetahs can run up to seventy miles per hour.”
“Dang, that’s fast.”
“I think you might be the cheetah of wide receivers,” I proclaim, grinning. We hold hands in comfortable silence for a few moments.
“Speaking of football,” I add gently, “if we don’t leave now, you might be late for your first practice. If you don’t want to go, that’s fine, too. I love you no matter what you choose.”
“Love you, too. You’ll stay, right?”
“The whole time.”
Nodding, he steels himself as he stands.
Danny tugs on the bottom of his shirt to straighten it and helps me up.
We walk to the field, fingers intertwined, until we get within vision of the team.
He gives my hand one last squeeze before jogging over and fist bumping a few of the guys.
On the outside, he’s back to confident, calm, easygoing Danny.
Only I know the sweat clinging to his shirt isn’t from the late August sun.
When his shoulders finally relax, I sit in the bleachers next to the field.
Every so often, he looks over at me, and I give him a small smile of encouragement.
The guys are just starting to split up into their respective teams for drills when a group of girls start chatting behind me. Maybe they also know players on the team, and we can be friends.
If Danny can overcome his nerves, I can too.
Before I can turn around and start up a conversation, one of the girls taps me on the shoulder.
I swivel my head and look at her hopefully.
We went to elementary school together. Her stick-straight, light blonde hair shines under the field lights, highlighting her blue eyes.
She smiles, showing off her perfect teeth and glossy lips.
I love the little golden Titans stamp on her cheek.
“Hey, nice to meet you! I’m Tori.”
My stomach drops. She doesn’t even remember me.
“Yeah. I, um, know. We went t-to elementary school t-together.”
“Oh, right. Totally!” Her sickly sweet tone sounds completely fake. One of her friends nudges her, and I swallow nervously.
“So, I saw you walking in with Dan. Are you his girlfriend?”
“No.”
Her face lights up. “Great! You won’t mind if I ask him out after practice then, right?”
My shoulders slump. I’m so stupid. Of course she doesn’t want to be friends with me. Part of me wants to say, “Yes, I do mind if you ask him out, actually,” but I don’t have any stake in Danny’s love life. Plus, if he wants to say no, he will.
“I d-don’t mind.” My voice comes out monotone.
“Perfect. He’s just so hot,” Tori gushes. “Someone in my history class said he’s the first freshman to play varsity in, like, twenty years. Might even be bound for the league.”
All I say back is “mhm” and turn back toward the field. I absorb the gut punch of being absolutely invisible, a blow I’d like to be less used to. Sucking in a deep breath, I try to focus my attention on the practice, not on the emotional bruise Tori left behind.
My mood lifts slightly when Danny looks my way again.
Tori squeals. “OMG, I think he’s looking at me. Someone’s grade school crush is still alive and well.”
I never heard about Danny’s crush on Tori. Did he like her? Does he like her?
Before I realize it, the boys are already packing up.
I head down to the field and wait for Danny on the sidelines.
I feel helpless as I watch Tori flounce up to him and touch his shoulder.
He looks at me, then back at her. He nods slowly, and Tori practically floats.
Danny says something to the student coach, who checks his watch before replying.
After exchanging a fist bump, Danny jogs toward the athlete’s building, and Tori follows closely behind.
I stay motionless, not sure whether I’m supposed to meet him or not.
The student coach jogs up to me. “Hey. I’m Tom. DT’s running to the locker room to shower, and he asked me to tell you to meet him there. I think some of us might be going out after practice.”
“Sure, I’ll head over there in a few.” My gaze shifts toward where Danny disappeared. Maybe he isn’t leaving with Tori after all. I’m always overanalyzing everything.
“Alright.”
Tom sprints back to the locker room. I wait a few minutes before following, walking with a little more energy.
When I get to the building, two people are kissing against the wall. I roll my eyes. High schoolers are so predictable.
Wait. Blonde hair, a glint of gold on her cheek…is that Tori?
Oh my God. That’s Danny and Tori. She pushes her chest out, arching into him, before coyly moving her lips away.
Danny’s hands stay at his sides, frozen in place.
When he pulls back, his eyes are wide, surprised almost. She only grins in response, leans in, and kisses him once on his cheek. I avert my gaze.
My stomach roils as saliva floods my mouth.
I’m going to be sick. Stumbling backward, my feet carry me toward the parking lot as unwanted tears flow out.
Coming to a sudden stop, I tilt my head back, willing myself to quit crying before reaching Janie’s SUV.
I let the wind dry most of my tears before dragging myself the rest of the way.
Janie rolls down the window and sticks her head out. Her black hair is starting to blend in with the dusky sky, styled in a low bun with a hair claw holding it in place. Danny’s tan skin and dark features are from Janie, but his dad definitely gave him his height.
She leans to the side, looking around me. “Where’s Daniel?”
“I think he’s going out with the football team and their girlfriends.”
“Oh, did you want to go, too? I don’t mind driving back solo, hon.”
“Um, I, d-don’t think I was invited.” My eyes mist over again, and I’m mortified. I don’t know why I’m emotional over this. Danny can do whatever he wants. I need to stop being so pathetically dependent on him.
The hazel eyes I’m so familiar with stare at me with empathy as her lips point down in a small frown. “Hey, kiddo, let’s stop for milkshakes on the way home. What do you think?”
I turn my face away to sniffle and then look back at her with a tight smile. “Sounds good. Thanks, Janie.”
I climb in the car, and she drives us to the greasy diner down the road from school. It has the best strawberry milkshake in all of Columbus. I swear Danny and I try to con her into giving us money to come here at least once a week.
Janie and I stay for a while, chatting about all sorts of things, like my first day, vet school plans, and our favorite romantic comedies. When the street lamps turn on, we figure it’s best to head home so I can start on homework.
I’m calmer by the time we pull up to our houses. So what if he wants to hang out with Tori? I have to stop being selfish with his time. He’s still my best friend.
That night, I don’t walkie-talkie Danny, and he doesn’t walkie-talkie me.
The next morning, I’m ready early enough to make myself a bowl of cereal instead of skipping breakfast. I venture a glance over to Danny’s house from the kitchen window while I try to eat. He’s already sitting on his porch.
He didn’t do anything wrong, Grace, I tell myself. He doesn’t owe you anything. Echoing my reminders over and over, I empty my bowl and put on my shoes.
By the time I walk over to his driveway, I almost believe myself. “Hey, ready to go?”
He looks at me, his face blank. “You’re up early.”
“I had a tough time sleeping.”
“You never walkie-talkied me. Why did you leave without saying goodbye?”
Danny has the nerve to look hurt, when he was the one who ditched me so he could make out with Tori all night.
“I went t-to find you after practice, b-but you were b-busy with T-Tori. I d-didn’t want t-to d-disturb you.”
He flushes and rubs the back of his neck. “Oh. I, um. I wasn’t expec—”
“No worries.” I pause, trying to get my emotions in check so I don’t stutter. “I’m happy for you t-two.”
Can’t I just have one moment where I can effectively pretend?
He stares at me with a look I can’t quite place. “You are?”
“Mmhm.”
Danny stands up and kicks a pebble onto the road. “Okay.” He swings his navy blue backpack over his shoulder and walks toward the bus stop. “Let’s go.”
As soon as we get on the bus, a feminine voice shouts, “D! Come sit with me!”
My eyes follow the voice down the aisle and land on Tori. Tori, with her perfect, sleek blonde hair. Tori, with her short skirt and trendy fur boots. Tori, with her perfect speech and no family drama.