Chapter 14
Grace
Dreams don’t hold your hand on the worst day of your life, and the promises we made in the woods wouldn’t hold up for either of us.
He missed the happy events: my twenty-first birthday party, my vet school graduation, the grand opening of my animal clinic.
But what devastated me most was his absence at the tragedies.
He wasn’t there when our mutual college friends ditched me.
He wasn’t there when we sold my childhood home.
He wasn’t there when Mae moved into a senior living center.
Needing someone is such a curious concept.
More often than not, people view need as a stronger word than want.
In actuality, it couldn’t be further from the truth.
It turned out that I didn’t need Danny. I got myself through those difficult times.
I came out the other side slightly more hardened to the harsh realities of life, sure, but I did it.
However, the messy truth was that I wanted him there.
I wanted him there, with me, so desperately.
Revisiting the memories is creating an invisible itch in my brain that needs to be scratched. Who is he, after all these years, since those pictures were taken? How much has he changed? Who are those strangers in the frames? What do they mean to him?
We stand in complete silence for a few more minutes.
For me, the silence is comfortable as I take my time exploring the gallery wall in more detail.
For Danny, I’m not so sure. I can feel his eyes on my back, patiently waiting for me to finish looking through this visual representation of his life.
I turn to face him and try to interpret his gaze.
Does he wish that I had been there, at his birthday party?
At the wedding he officiated? Cheering him on with a homemade poster during his race with Tessa?
The desire to know is so strong that I have to be careful not to ask it out loud.
As I give the wall one last look, I realize I skipped over a frame.
In the photo, Danny is wearing a fitted gray suit and a Mustangs baseball cap.
Janie and Tessa are sitting on either side of him on a velvet couch dressed to the nines, and there’s confetti on the floor.
Janie’s eyes are teary as she looks at Danny with pride.
There’s no question in my mind—this was his Draft Day.
I allow myself just one moment to picture myself on the couch next to Danny and his family, how we always planned.
I’ll kiss you first, he’d said.
I’d pretended to be affronted on his mom’s behalf. What about Janie?
She’ll understand… It's us.
That memory feels like a microscopic bee sting, a reminder of the pain associated with the end of us. Resurfaced emotions swirl in my stomach as Danny breaks through the silence, like he knows what I’m thinking.
“Hey, did you ever watch my draft on TV?” His tone is casual, but I know the question is serious.
“Uh, no,” I admit hesitantly.
How can I explain to him that it hurts to watch him play?
I know it’s petty. I should want to support him and watch him succeed no matter our relationship status.
But the pain is overwhelming sometimes. Often, it still feels raw, like an open cut dripping blood.
Other times, it’s like a scarred-over wound that’s barely noticeable to anyone other than me.
He allows me only a glimpse of the hurt in his eyes before he turns around and takes the few remaining steps to his bedroom door. He opens it and gestures for me to go in.
I find all the personality that’s missing from Danny’s house in his room.
Pushed up against the middle of the back wall is his bed.
The mattress sits on top of a cherrywood frame, which is the exact color of the deck outside his childhood home.
Artwork on the sophisticated forest green walls includes a canvas map of Columbus, an abstract labrador made out of metal, and an oil pastel painting of Elite Stadium, where the Mustangs play.
He has an old-timey record player on his nightstand next to a stack of albums, some of which are bands we listened to in high school.
I swivel my head to look at the floor to ceiling windows that lead out onto a Juliet balcony.
“So… this is it,” Danny says quietly.
“Mystery solved,” I reply.
He cocks an eyebrow at me.
“I found the ‘you’ in this house, after all.”
That earns me a soft smile, but I still see leftover sadness in his eyes from my earlier confession. I need to bring some light back to his eyes.
“So, um, how was it?”
The corner of his mouth ticks up. “My draft?”
“Yeah, how did it go?”
An amused smile sticks to his face. “It went okay… I was only the third overall draft pick.”
“Holy shit, Danny! That’s incredible. Congrats.”
He laughs his genuine, loud laugh.
“Hey, why are you laughing?”
“It’s just funny being congratulated for something over eight years later. I’ve accomplished more since then, football-wise.”
I debate saying anything at all, but the truth is already pressing at my lips. “I haven’t really seen any football over the years.”
“You haven’t seen any of my games?” He leans against his bedroom dresser, folding his arms in front of him.
My breathing is a bit uneven as a hollow feeling settles in my stomach.
“No, at least not by choice. I avoid the sport entirely. I didn’t even know who you were playing for right now.
I looked you up before I came. I…I’m finding it difficult to express what the last ten years were like for me.
And I’m honestly not sure you’d want to know. ”
He searches my eyes. “I want to know, Gracie. I told you I want to know everything.”
“I know you say that, but I can see the pain in your eyes when I say certain things, like me not watching the draft,” I say quietly.
He shakes his head. “The pain in my eyes isn’t because of you not watching my dumb football games. That’s simply an effect. It’s because of us losing so much time together.”
I nod, slowly, and sit down on one of the oversized chairs by his bedroom window. I want to say you’re not alone in this, I miss you, but it’s hard to be vulnerable after all of this time. It feels like writing with the wrong hand.
He gives me one last moment to respond. When I don’t, he graciously changes the subject. “Okay, enough about me. Tell me something about you. You’re a vet, Gracie girl. Wow.”
Is that pride in his eyes?
“Erm, yeah. I actually run an animal clinic in Columbus.”
“I knew you’d own a clinic one day,” he says softly. “I’m confident there’s no better vet than you anywhere.”
The certainty is so Danny. Growing up, his unshakable faith in my abilities always made me melt. To be the object of his steady confidence again disarms me, and I blink hard to pull myself out of the daze he puts me in so easily.
“I’m not sure about anywhere, but maybe within twenty miles of Columbus,” I joke.
“Who’s managing your animal clinic while you’re here?”
“My partner, Elle. We went to the same vet school in Indiana and knew we wanted to work together long-term. She’s from Northeast Ohio, so we both had plans to move back after graduation.
After much convincing, she decided to join me in Columbus at the animal clinic.
You’d get along really well with her. She’s very charming, but also slightly neurotic. ”
“I am extremely charming,” he quips with a wink.
“Don’t forget ‘slightly neurotic.’ That part’s important,” I add as he rolls his eyes. My lips curve in a gentle smile. “So how is it playing professional football after all these years? It was always your dream, and you finally achieved it. Was it everything you hoped for?”
Danny takes a few steps in my direction and sits on the edge of his bed, facing me.
His gaze is unwavering and wrought with intensity.
He seems to carefully choose his next words.
“I wouldn’t say that playing in the league was my entire dream.
I actually don’t think I’ve come close to achieving my full dream yet.
There are definitely some…key parts missing. ”
I suck in a shallow breath, trying my best not to dwell on the missing parts.
“I do love it, though. The team is pretty great. The guys are nice and chill, and no one has an unmanageable ego. I’m lucky to be a veteran with the organization.”
“So, you’ve played in New York this whole time, then?”
“Yeah.” He shyly ducks his chin, as if that hadn’t been his lifelong goal as a child.
“The biggest Mustangs fan becomes the best Mustangs player. It’s wonderfully poetic. Janie must be so proud.” I smile.
“She’s just happy she has an excuse to visit the city. Mom’s here for the art galleries more than the games, I think.”
“I bet,” I say fondly. Janie is an amazing freelance photographer in Columbus.
Her creativity is one of the many reasons why I love her.
“I’m sure being a professional football player has a lot of perks, though.
I bet going out is more fun, especially with all the guys.
I can’t even imagine all the attention.”
Danny shakes his head. “Actually, a lot of the guys on the team are either married or have serious girlfriends. There’s not a ton of ‘going out’ anymore. Even if there was, I’m not interested.”
I don’t want to explore why a feeling of solace washes over me with his words. “Oh. So what do you do in your spare time then?”
He nods in the direction of a few medals hanging above his dresser.
“I run. You saw on the gallery wall that I’ve been running 5Ks, sometimes with Tessa.
My mom still lives in Columbus, but Tessa actually moved out here for fashion design school.
She’s also an amazing marathon runner, but I can’t do those due to football restrictions. ”
“Hey, 5Ks are a big accomplishment. According to Mae, I have a ‘weak lung capacity.’ I’m inclined to believe her based on experience,” I laugh.