Chapter 34
Danny
Eighteen Years Old
“You need to get it together, DT. The guys are starting to notice.”
Cooper Shields, the team’s best tight end, has been on me to shape up ever since my redshirt status was announced to the players a month ago. He hangs his headphones around his neck and crouches down to tie his shoes, about to leave for a gym session with some of our teammates.
“The guys should be focused on playing. Some of us don’t get that privilege,” I reply in monotone.
Coop rolls his eyes and throws a pillow at me from the couch. “This is what I’m talking about. Cut that ‘woe is me’ shit out. Being a crappy teammate and friend won’t magically get you playing time, believe it or not. Might as well not be a douchebag.”
Two games have passed now, and I don’t even know if we won. I black out every time my spotless cleats hit the sidelines. I built my life around football—high school to college to pro—and I feel paralyzed thinking about a reality in which that dream crumbles.
“You’ve been ditching team hangouts, team workouts—”
“Voluntary team workouts.”
“You’ve been hiding in our dorm room and playing video games whenever you’re not at a mandatory meeting. You’re even avoiding Grace,” he points out.
I glare at him, hating the way my name for her sounds coming out of his mouth. I understood her decision to go by Grace in college, but selfishly, I miss it being mine. “You don’t need to talk to me about Gracie.”
“Well, if you’re not going to talk to her, talk to me.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. I’m benched. I have to suck it up and wait until I can play next year. How I spend my time until then will be up to me. End of story.”
Coop shakes his head. “Listen. Meet with Coach and see what he’s willing to do as a compromise.”
I pick up a bag of gummy worms and tear it open, popping one in my mouth. “They seemed set on me not playing at all this season.”
Coop grabs a purple Easton Eagles baseball cap and puts it on. “Then just aim for making this season as painless as possible. I’ll do extra workouts with you to stay fresh, practice one on one, whatever you want.”
I sigh, a deep exhaustion weighing on my bones, even though I’ve done nothing but play video games for the last twelve hours. I’ve never felt this fog before, this sadness. It’s different from my anxiety…something else.
I shrug. “What’s the point? It feels like I’m working toward nothing.”
“Toward nothing? How about being a good teammate and showing the guys how to act when they go through something difficult?”
“Teammate? I dress in uniform for the hell of it at this point. I’m nothing but a glorified cheerleader every Saturday.”
I don’t feel like myself.
I don’t feel like me.
I don’t feel, period.
“I’m going to give you one more week of this shit, DT, because I know it hurts like hell. I can’t imagine not playing every week, but football isn’t everything. So what if you’re picked a little later in the draft? Keep up this attitude much longer and it’ll bring down the whole team dynamic.”
Cooper grabs his water bottle and opens our door. Before it closes entirely, he says, “I know you don’t want to hear it, but you need to reassure Grace. Jess told me she’s worried about you.”
I know she’s worried about me, but it’s a sucker punch to hear it from someone else. I overhear her talking to Mom on the phone sometimes after she thinks I’m asleep, whispering things like, “I can tell he’s hurting, Janie.”
But they’re wrong. I’m not hurting, I’m numb.
I feign sleep when Gracie spends the night, watching her closely and waiting until her breaths even out.
Then I alternate between staring at Gracie and blinking at the ceiling, blanketed by the darkness in the room and the darkness in my mind.
In the mornings, when she points out the bags under my swollen, oversensitized eyes, I excuse them away with new allergies.
Hiding a significant amount of my misery from her takes almost all of my energy. She’s experienced enough mentally unstable men to last her a lifetime. I won’t be another one.
But some of the secret panic attacks I’ve been having aren’t normal. I can’t seem to dig myself out of my own emotional graveyard. It feels like I’m buried six feet underground, but it’s concrete above me instead of dirt.
I sigh, running my hand down my face, and open my laptop to check my personal email before I spend the rest of the night switching off between studying and gaming by myself. I start clicking through my messages and stop when I come across one from the head coach…of our rival school?
From: Gary Patrick
Subject: WVU Football
DT,
It’s been a while since we last connected during scouting season. Hope you and your mom are well. I saw the Easton coaching staff is redshirting you for the year. I’d like to speak with you about it. Call me.
-GP
Westchester Valley University
I read the email five times. Then, I read it a sixth time for good measure. I double click his email contact and start typing the number into my phone. Before I can second guess myself, I press the call button. It rings only once.
“This is GP.”
“Uh, hi. Coach Patrick? It’s DT.”
“Ah, DT! So thrilled you called, kid. I assume you read my email. Listen. I didn’t want to put it in writing—you know the rules about poaching—but if you want to transfer, we’d have a spot for you here. We could use your talent.”
A mixture of excitement and anxiety buzzes under my skin. “Yeah, I read it. It’s obviously a lot to think about. I have some questions, and, well, there’s someone I’m here with, and we’re a package deal.”
“You got a girl, huh?”
“Yeah, my girlfriend. But she’s more than that, I’ve known her my whole life.
It’s serious. I won’t go anywhere without her.
And she’s thriving here. She has a full scholarship and a competitive internship in animal sciences.
She won’t be able to leave without a comparable situation somewhere else. ”
“Hey, why don’t you email me a list of your conditions? We’re very motivated to bring you to WVU, kid. I imagine we’ll be able to make it happen.”
“Oh.” I thought for sure my requests for Gracie would be a dealbreaker. “Uh, okay. I’ll send it over today.”
“Great. I’ll get it to my people over here and then get back to you tomorrow with more information. Sounds good?”
My chest loosens a little, and some of the tension slips from my shoulders. “Yeah, that sounds…great, actually.”
“Let’s set up another time to talk after that and discuss some other details. You won’t have to fight for playing time here. We see your talent and want to help you achieve your goals.”
“Wow. Um, thanks. That’s really good to hear.”
“It’s the truth. Alright, kid. I’m on my way to a team workout, but I’m happy you called. I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out that sets you up for the future you want. I’ll be in touch.”
“Okay, bye, Coach.”
New energy fills me, sparking feelings I haven’t felt in some time.
First, I feel a little guilty.
But then, the guilt is replaced with an emotion far more dangerous.
Hope.
“Thanks, Dr. Smith. I can tell your program will be a great fit.” I end my call with Westchester Valley University’s Dean of Zoology. Leaning back in my dorm room desk chair, I feel relaxed and at peace.
It’s been two weeks of constant WVU research. I’ve had conversations with teachers and students and read countless reviews of the department and staff. At this point, I know more about Animal Sciences at Westchester than I do about their football program.
I needed to be sure WVU would be a perfect fit for Gracie, and it is. If I want to achieve the life I promised her, transferring is the only way.
In addition to the prestige of their vet school, there are other bonuses.
Gracie’s always wanted to live in a city.
Granted, when we’ve spoken, she’s primarily talked about the city of Columbus, but you cannot beat New York’s cityscape.
Also, WVU is near three different animal hospitals, which provide a lot of potential job opportunities and connections for students post-grad.
I know she’ll be hesitant to move so far from Mae, but Mae is constantly encouraging her to get out of Ohio, take risks, and live life. I can’t think of a better place to live life to the fullest than the Big Apple. I know Mae’ll be on my side when she finds out.
Coach Patrick promised me that news of the move wouldn’t be officially communicated until one week from now.
That gives me ample time to tell everyone before it’s announced.
I intended to tell Gracie sooner, but my research bumped me up right against the decision deadline.
While I know she’ll be a little surprised, she’s always been supportive of our shared goals.
My phone jolts me from my thoughts of Gracie. I grab it off the desk and spin around in my chair as I answer the call.
“Hey, Mom!”
“Hiya, sweetie. How’re we feeling today?”
With how busy I’ve been researching, it’s been too long since I’ve heard her voice.
“Great. Better than great. Fantastic. I was actually just going to call you.”
Her tone perks up. “Really?”
“Yeah. I kind of have news. About football.”
Mom gasps. “Kiddo, are they playing you? You know Tessa and I have the poster ready to go.”
I laugh. “No, Easton is still benching me.”
“Oh.” She sounds confused. “What’s this football news then?”
I open my mouth to speak, but pause when I realize I haven’t actually said it out loud yet, not to anyone. This whole week has been a blur. “Well, I was contacted with an offer to transfer.”
“You were what?”
“Coach Patrick from Westchester Valley University contacted me with a transfer offer. You remember him? He came during scouting season.”
“I remember Coach Patrick,” Mom says cautiously.
“Right. You called him a ‘good guy’ at the time.”
“I think I also said ‘New York is pretty far.’”
“Yes, but circumstances change. If I knew then that I wouldn’t get any playing time at Easton, I never would’ve signed here on Decision Day.”
“Is transferring even allowed, Daniel?”
“Coach P told me that stuff like this happens more often than anyone thinks and to let him worry about any approvals. So, yeah.”
“So, you…you’re moving? To New York?”
“Yes. And I know what you’re thinking.”
“What am I thinking?”
“You’re probably thinking it’s reckless, and I’ve already devoted time to the team here.
You’re probably thinking I’m letting them down, or I should stick to my word and wait it out.
But, Mom, they didn’t stick to their word.
They said I would play, and they took that away from me at the last possible second.
It’s taken me a few weeks to wrap my head around it, but I’m happy with my decision to transfer and think it’s best for my future. ”
“Okay, it sounds like you’ve given this a lot of thought.
You know I’ll always support your decisions when it comes to football, no matter where you play.
If you want to quit tomorrow, I’ll have your back.
Football is a sport at the end of the day, and what you choose to do with it is all your own decision. ”
I breathe a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”
“Mhm. So, what did Grace think about it?”
“I’m telling her tonight, actually, but I know she’ll be—”
“You’re telling her tonight,” Mom interrupts in a flat tone. “You’re telling her…tonight?” Her voice is more animated now, panic lacing her words.
“That’s what I said. Why are you saying it like that?”
“I…I thought you two were still together. Do you need to tell me something?”
“What? No. We are together. We’re better than ever now.”
“Daniel,” she chokes out, sounding strained all of a sudden. “It’s a big deal that you signed without telling her first. How did that happen?”
My heart rate increases at her tight and uneven tone, and I stand up. “I wanted to tell her in advance, but I spent so much time researching the animal science program at WVU, speaking with teachers, and ensuring her scholarship would transfer over. The deadline just ended up getting ahead of me.”
“Oh, sweetie. I don’t think Grace is going to take this news the way you think she’s going to take it.” Sympathy leeches into her voice, and it bothers me.
“I’m not stupid. I know she’ll be hesitant. Gracie is always timid when confronted with new situations, but I’ll be there for her every step of the way like always. It was a narrow decision deadline, but I made sure she’ll be set up for success there. I did the research.”
“I know, but the most important research would’ve been asking for her opinion,” she gently responds.
My stomach sinks as I consider Mom’s words. “I should’ve slowed down. But I still know her better than anyone, and she’ll come around sooner than you think. She understands how much playing means to me, and she’s seen what not playing does to me. Gracie is the most supportive person I know.”
Mom exhales, and a few moments of silence pass while I wait for her to agree with me.
“Sweetie, have you thought about what you might do in the event she doesn’t want to go?”
That’s not even a remote possibility. This is a forever thing for us. Even if Gracie needs time to process, not being together is a reality I know neither of us will accept.
“I already signed,” I whisper, my breaths short and ragged. “So there’s no option for me to back out at this point.”
Another minute of silence. When Mom speaks, she doesn’t address my response at all. “I love you. And hey, kiddo?”
“Yeah?”
“Congratulations.”
“Thanks.”
The congratulatory sentiment fades away as I sink down onto my futon. Did I completely miscalculate this? I shake my head. No, Gracie knows me through and through. Plus, she’s always told me she’ll follow me anywhere.
I have it all planned out. In every future, it’s us. We’re going to be fine.