Chapter 35
Grace
Eighteen Years Old
Ipound on the door four times before leaning over to catch my breath. Running from the campus shuttle to his dorm wasn’t my brightest idea, but I couldn’t wait a second longer to see him. Danny yanks the door open, his hair still wet from a shower.
I don’t even know where to start. My brain is so messy, and a buzzing noise fills my ears. “How could you… Why would you…”
Danny stumbles back into his dorm room as I shove him through his own doorway. He looks behind me, seemingly searching for someone else responsible for the hurt expression on my face, not knowing it was him who caused it.
“Wha…?”
I shove a copy of the school newspaper into his chest. When Danny told me yesterday that he wanted to “talk about something important” tonight, I never pictured this.
He glances at the article in clear surprise, his eyes wide.
“Gracie. Don’t freak out. I’m sorry you found out about it like this. Nothing was supposed to be formally announced for another week.”
The heavy door slams behind me, and I stop in my tracks. “Formally announced? When did you know?”
Danny runs his hands through his hair, tugging slightly at the ends like he’s trying to physically pull the words I want to hear out of his head. “When did I know transferring was a possibility? Or when did I make my decision? I’m going to tell you everything, just—”
I lean against the door in shock. “Are you breaking up with me?”
Danny takes a step toward me and grasps my hands, mine limp in his. “What the fuck? Gracie, no. Jesus. I’d never break up with you.”
“So, you’re not going to New York?” Confusion muddles my mind, like I’m trying to place missing pieces in a puzzle with my eyes closed.
He squeezes my hands tighter, like he’s afraid I’ll slip through his fingers.
“It’s an amazing opportunity for both of us, I promise.
There’s so much I need to tell you. That’s why I wanted to get dinner tonight, so I could explain everything and we can talk about our future.
There are so many things I want to say.”
I shake off his hands and poke a finger in the center of his chest. “Is this why you’ve been happier lately?”
“What do you mean?”
“When your mood improved a few days ago… Did you know about the transfer then?”
Danny has the self-awareness to look sheepish. “Well, yes, the decision deadline was three days ago.”
My hands fly to my temples as I mutter, “The decision deadline.” Louder now, I say, “The decision…you made a decision already?” My knees buckle, and I stagger to the futon.
“I had to make one before the deadline or else I wouldn’t be eligible to play.” Danny’s all stoicism as he joins me on the couch.
Avoiding eye contact now, I desperately try to sort out how this happened. “How…how did you make a decision like that so quickly?”
“I’d been thinking about it for a few weeks. I did a ton of research, for both me and you, and—”
I shoot up from the couch. “Weeks? You did a ton of research over weeks. You were thinking about transferring for…weeks. And then you didn’t tell me for three days.” Squeezing my eyes tightly shut, I wish this was just a nightmare.
“I wanted all the information before I brought you into it, Gracie. I wanted to do the bulk of the work so you wouldn’t have to stress.
I did so much research, baby. I talked to all of the animal science professors, and they’re going to match your scholarship terms over to Westchester.
They have an open internship spot under their dean ready for you.
It really is a perfect scenario, where we can both live out our dreams, and—”
“I’m not going to New York, Danny.”
“You’re not…what?”
Opening my eyes and staring directly into his, I repeat, “I’m not going to New York.”
He leans forward as if he wants to move but can’t. “This was always the plan for us, me playing for the Mustangs one day.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Yeah. One day after college. Or did you forget that we made plans for Easton in the here and now?”
“I…I got your scholarship figured out. The vet school there is great.”
“You just got me a scholarship? I didn’t earn that, Danny. I didn’t even apply. I don’t want it.”
“They looked at your credentials. It was based on merit.”
I roll my eyes. “It was based on your ability to catch a ball.”
He stands to meet me, ducking his chin in an attempt to catch my gaze.
“They know we’re a pair. It’s like we’re both a part of the team. They’re even going to give us a stipend to fly back and visit home a few times per semester.”
Overcome with nervous energy, I start to pace back and forth. The room is so small that I can only take four steps in each direction.
“Mae is here. My friends are here.”
He backs up toward the door, giving me space to walk.
“Mae wants you to live life, Gracie. Imagine how much life there is to live in New York. And I’ve spoken with some of the current WVU players.
There’s a really tight group of girlfriends there, like there is here at Easton.
You’ll fit right in. We’re only a couple months into college, so there’s still time to build social circles.
” Danny pauses. “And…and you’ll have me. ”
I scoff. “Like I have you now? With all of your secret keeping, all of your silent planning, and how could I forget? All of the transferring to another state without telling me?”
Danny tilts his head in shock at my harsh tone. The icy edge is new to me, too.
I want to cry, but I’m surprised to find that anger is my leading emotion. I’m not sad, and I’m not anxious. I don’t feel rushed… I feel furious. I can’t remember ever being this angry. Not when Danny was dating Tori, not when I was bullied at school for my stutter, not even when my mom died.
“I know you’re upset, Gracie, and I blame myself for not telling you sooner. I just was so deep in the thick of it. I didn’t want to bother you.”
I’m nearly shaking with rage as I abruptly stop pacing to face him. “You didn’t want to bother me, so you made decisions on my behalf and assumed I would…what? Just tag along? Like some sort of puppy?” I gesture wildly, feeling out of control.
He pauses a second too long.
“Oh. I see,” I seethe. I lower my voice as I pretend to be Danny. “‘Poor Gracie, she doesn’t have any roots. Mae is getting older. I’m her world. My future is her future.’” I turn away from him and catch my breath. “Am I right?”
“Of course not. I don’t think that at all. I…I honestly thought you’d be happy for me.”
Swiveling my head around so quickly I get dizzy, I ask, “Are you happy for you, Danny? Giving up on your team during the first sign of adversity? Is that who you are now?”
He crosses his arms. “That’s not fair. They broke their promise to me first.”
I silently nod. “They did. And that was shitty, Danny, it was. But you broke your promise to me.”
“What? I didn’t—”
“Open and honest, right? Or was that just a rule for me to follow?” I shake my head, placing my hands on my hips and planting my feet.
“This is like freshman year of high school all over again. Football was your number one, no matter the cost. Here you are again, taking me for granted. I told you that our friendship had to be important, too. That I wouldn’t let you treat me like that again.
And I meant it.” I look up at the ceiling and run a hand over my curls. “God, I’ve been so stupid.”
“Hey. Don’t say that about yourself,” Danny reprimands in a stern tone. “You’re everything to me.”
I physically hurt all over my body. “Please don’t waste my time trying to convince me that I’m your priority, because you can’t. I’m not, and that’s okay.” Shrugging, my gaze shifts downward, pinning the floor into place. “I actually understand.”
“No, you don’t understand. You are my priority, Gracie. I just… This isn’t coming out right and—”
“If I was your priority, Dan,” I say, my voice hoarse, “we would be having this conversation before the transfer deadline.” I gesture between us and shake my head. “It’s not your decision that shocked me. It’s the fact that you made it without me.”
“Gracie, I—”
Taking a small step forward, I’m inches away from his face now. I tilt my chin up, my next words tinged with betrayal. “No secrets. That was the agreement.”
“I never meant to keep anything from you. I was just getting everything prepared so I could show you what we could build together in New York. Easton benching me was a wake-up call for me. It proved they never cared about my goals.”
“You transferring without telling me is a wake-up call for me.”
His chin dips to his chest as he frantically tries to explain his actions. “I…I promise I was thinking of us, of our future. My intentions were pure on this, Gracie.”
“I’m not saying this is just your fault. It’s not. If anything, I’m equally to blame here. Maybe I did follow you around too much over the years, mistakenly thinking you’d choose me first.”
“You didn’t.”
“Maybe I was foolish to think you’d include me in all of your decisions regarding football.” When I search his eyes, I look for some sort of sign that will reassure me and come up empty.
“You weren’t, Gracie.”
“You lied, Danny.”
His breaths are ragged. The anxiety radiating off of his body is nearly palpable. “I didn’t… It wasn’t like that for me. I was just trying so hard to prove to you that this would work, and time got away from me.”
A few tears roll down his cheeks, and my heart aches.
“I know,” I whisper, my tone dipped in empathy.
I can feel what’s coming. Can he feel it, too?
“You know?”
“Yes, I know you would never intentionally hurt me,” I agree softly. “I know you gave this a lot of thought. I know you love me.”
He wipes a tear away with the back of his hand and inhales. “I do love you, more than anything.”
“I know you see our future together. I know you’re good. I know you’re genuine.”
Danny gives me a small, unsure smile.
My next words will irrevocably change us, downgrading our unconditional love to one smothered by unforeseen conditions. Before I break the bones that form the frame of our relationship, I take a beat to indulge myself…to close my eyes and breathe in one more moment of what it’s like to be his.
It feels like a last breath, and I guess, in a way, it is.
“And I know I can’t be with you anymore.”
“Gracie,” he whispers. “You don’t mean it.”
I touch his face, my hand cool against his hot, agitated skin. “I’m happy for you, Danny. Being the starting wide receiver as a freshman is everything you dreamed, and you deserve it. You’ve worked so incredibly hard for this.”
“No. Not without you,” he pleads, more tears welling in his eyes.
“Our love is something that I will carry with me always. Our relationship was everything to me.”
He reaches for me and cradles my face in his hands like it’s glass that’s about to shatter.
“I’m so sorry. I’m trying to get my thoughts straight…please don’t do this to us,” he begs.
“I’ve been put third, fourth, fifth, last, from other people my entire life. If I don’t put myself first, you’ll continue to put me second—whether you mean to or not.”
I love him enough to settle for the same cycle of treatment. It’s time for me to take care of myself.
“That won’t happen. I’ll make sure it won’t. I promise.” His voice comes out hoarse, drenched in agony. I remove a hand from his face to wipe away the tears dripping off his chin.
My eyes are glassy, my own tears refusing to fall. I shake my head. “I have no doubt in my mind that you’ll become the best player the league has ever seen. Go be great. You were destined for this.”
“I’m destined to be with you, Gracie. I’m destined to be yours. I can’t do this without you. I can’t do anything without you.” Desperation laces his tone.
“If you ever find yourself trapped in anxiety, don’t forget to focus on your feelings, not just the facts. You’ll get through it. I know you will.” My hands fall to my sides, and his drop, too.
“I don’t want this, Grace.”
I give him a sad smile and wrap him in a hug. Tired of standing, we slowly drop to the floor and sit together, holding each other on the cold tile.
“I will always love you. I will always love you. I will always love you,” he whispers into my hair, over and over again.
“Shhh. It’ll be okay,” I murmur into his neck.
“I’ll never get over you.”
I say nothing back.