Chapter 28
Rome
Spending an almost unlimited amount of time with Billie is all-encompassing. The sex is off the charts, and we’re having as much as we can before Bodi gets back, but our conversation that first night has been whispering in my subconscious.
Was she expecting me to make some kind of proclamation of love?
Looking for longevity? A promise of some kind?
It’s too soon, and I think she knows that, which is why she didn’t push it, but we’re going to have to address it.
The problem is that there are no readily available solutions.
Not until I know what’s going to happen when hockey season is over.
And for the first time in years, my self-imposed solitude is uncomfortable and frustrating. The team is on the road, Billie’s at school, and I’m done with physical therapy for the day.
Not only do I have nowhere to go and nothing to do, but I still don’t have any friends. Not really. I’m used to that part. What I’m not used to is the fact that it suddenly bothers me. That I’m fucking lonely .
Impulsively, I turn toward my mom’s house. The house I grew up in. I rarely visit, because it reminds me of my dad, but today I need something. Something solid. Comfortable. Despite our differences, how she drives me crazy sometimes, she’s still my mom.
“Rome!” Mom answers the door in surprise. “Come on in. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. Everything’s fine.” I follow her into the kitchen. She appears to be baking something, and I settle on one of the stools at the island. “What are you making?”
She smiles. “Chocolate chip cookies. Tonight is book club, and I’m bringing dessert.”
“Does that mean I can’t have any?”
She laughs. “You can have one. One , young man.” She pretends to look stern and we both chuckle.
“What’s been going on?” I ask casually. “Anything new?”
“Not really. Cat’s been working a lot of extra hours so I haven’t heard from her this week. Athena is dating someone new but won’t tell me anything about him. What about you?”
I sigh.
Am I ready to open up about Billie? Can I trust her to keep her mouth shut when she goes to games?
My mother is the most social of social butterflies and she’s already friends with several of the wives and girlfriends.
This is the kind of gossip she lives for, and Billie and I don’t need the stress.
“Rome?” She cocks her head, pausing from where she’s using an ice cream scoop to put little balls of dough onto a cookie sheet. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong, but I need advice. I just don’t know if I trust you to keep a secret.”
She doesn’t take offense and goes back to scooping the dough. “Well, that’s up to you. But you have to know I’d never do anything to hurt you.”
I do know that.
“So there’s a woman.”
“Billie.” She doesn’t even look up.
Jesus H. Christ.
“How did you know that?”
She shakes her head, still not looking up, merely turning and putting the first tray of cookies in the oven.
“Anyone with two eyes can see the way you look at her. And the way she looks at you. I don’t know what the big deal is, but I’m assuming it’s because of her brother.
Athena has mentioned how overprotective he is. ”
“It’s a huge deal, Mom. If there’s any chance of me playing here one more season, I can’t afford to be some kind of cancer in the locker room. That’s what I’m known for, so it wouldn’t be a big stretch for me to take on that role here, no matter how hard I’ve tried to change.”
She wipes her hands and looks at me. “Are you serious about her? Are you in love with her? Do you picture yourself with her long-term?”
“I…don’t know.”
“Then you need to figure it out.”
“It hasn’t even been two months.”
“Please.” She waves an impatient hand. “When you know, you know. You don’t immediately have to get engaged or married, but you know . I’ve never seen you look at anyone the way you look at her. Not even on your wedding days.”
Ouch.
Another pang of guilt. Because I was infatuated with both of my wives, but in retrospect, I wasn’t in love with either of them.
“You don’t have to tell me, but once you have the answers to those questions—about your feelings and whether or not you can see yourself with her long-term—you’ll find it fairly easy to resolve all the issues.”
“It’s way more complicated than that.”
“It’s not. If you love her, and she loves you, then it’s simple. You go to Bodi, man to man, sit him down and say, ‘I love your sister and I’m going to take care of her.’ In whatever way you and Billie decide.”
“Mom, she needs to be here. She’s got this awesome opportunity.” I explain about Nita and the diner franchise. “On top of that, in the grand scheme of life, I don’t have a pot to piss in. What do I have to offer a woman like her?”
“You’re smart, strong, and hard-working.
Believe it or not, there will be life after hockey.
You can coach, work in the back office of a team, become a scout or whatever they’re called.
You could use your degree to go into teaching or a position that will allow you to coach at a high school or college level. There are a zillion options for you.”
“She’s young.”
“Does her age bother you?”
“Not in general, but…” I huff out a breath. “She’s twenty-two . I don’t think she wants kids now, but what about in ten years? I’ll be in my mid-forties.”
“So? What does that have to do with anything? You’ll still be strong and in good health.
And don’t give me any of that ‘you don’t know that for sure’ shit.
Of course not. We could get hit by a bus tomorrow too.
We’re not talking about the random things that happen.
Just life in general. You’ll be a great dad if you decide to go that route. ”
Why does she have a reasonable answer to everything? I really thought she’d be trying to talk me out of dating Billie.
Of course, there’s one last issue that’s pretty insurmountable in my book.
“I don’t want to stay in L.A.”
There.
I said it.
Not to Billie, who’s the one I should be having this conversation with, but at least to someone.
“I see.” Mom turns away again, pulling out another cookie sheet. “Well, that’s something only you and Billie can decide. Is she not willing to move?”
“I just told you about the diner opportunity.”
“And you’re not willing to stay? Even for a few years, while she gets her career going?”
I hesitate. That’s an option I hadn’t considered. Now I’m a little frustrated and a lot more confused. “I don’t know. You know how I feel about it here.”
She shrugs. “You’ve always run away from your feelings, Rome. It’s not about Los Angeles, per se, it’s about our relationship. Missing your father. The two failed marriages and associated bad behavior that makes you feel like you aren’t worthy of love.”
“Jesus, Ma.” I groan.
My mother rarely gets that deep when we talk, so it’s unusual for her to say something so insightful.
Especially when she’s right.
“I know. You don’t like when I butt in, but you came to me today.” She pauses and fixes one of those motherly gazes on me that still makes me squirm. Just a little.
“I did, and I do want to hear your thoughts. Because my own are a jumbled mess.”
“I think deep down you know what you want but you’re scared.
And I don’t blame you. Two divorces. Six teams in ten years.
Losing your dad. The way your sister took Denise’s side in the divorce.
How worried you are about your financial future.
I understand all of that, but at the same time, I’m something of an outsider looking in.
And from where I’m sitting, everything is different with Billie.
“She doesn’t care that you’re a hockey star. She’s not interested in your money?—”
“Because I don’t have any,” I mutter.
She rolls her eyes and continues. “She’s smart, independent, and doesn’t seem at all intimidated by the age gap, her brother’s feelings, or anything else. All she appears to care about is you. I think that’s special.”
“It is.”
My mother wipes her hands and comes around the counter, putting a warm hand on my cheek.
“You’re my firstborn. My only son. The sunshine in my life from the moment I gave birth to you.
Yet you fight the good inside of you, and I’m not sure why.
But it’s there, son. And all your dreams can come true if you just let them. ”
Why does that feel like a punch to the gut?
I’m my own worst enemy, no doubt about that, but it’s hard to hear it from one of the only two people who possibly know me better than I know myself—my mother and Billie.