Chapter 40
Billie
With the end of the semester just a few days away, I turn in my final project, meet with my advisor to discuss my portfolio, and all that’s left is graduation.
I’ve been thinking about skipping the actual ceremony.
I mean, what’s the point? I don’t want to see Bodi, Rome isn’t in my life, and though Nita, Athena, and even Mrs. Castellano say they want to attend, I don’t feel like celebrating.
My advisor thinks I should go ahead and finish my master’s since I got dual credit this year, but I don’t know if I want to take on that much debt for something I don’t know that I’ll need. It’s great in theory, which is why I agreed to transfer my senior year, but now I’m ambivalent about it.
Okay, let’s be clear: I’m ambivalent about pretty much everything at the moment.
I go through the motions every day, but my world has been reduced to work, work, and more work.
I started apartment hunting, but Nita told me to take a little time to let everything settle down.
Neither of us are home much beyond sleeping and showering, and she swears I’m not a burden or an imposition, so now I’m trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered existence.
The more pressing matter for me is buying a car because I refuse to continue driving the one Rome let me borrow.
Nita said she would co-sign a loan for me so I need to start looking immediately.
But cars are expensive. And though I make great money at the diner, I don’t have a lot saved up yet.
I can either put money down on a car or I can get an apartment, but it’ll be at least three or four more months before I can do both.
And I’m not taking another dime from Bodi unless I’m dying.
The diner is packed tonight, so I don’t have time to dwell on any of that, and I’ve just gotten a party of six when I see a familiar blond head standing at the hostess station.
Ugh.
Bodi.
And Blake.
Just what I need.
“I’m busy,” I whisper to the harried hostess as she comes toward me. “Tell them to go away.”
She grimaces. “He just gave me a hundred dollars to hand this to you.” She puts a folded piece of paper in my hand.
Oh, geez.
I skate over to the soda station and slowly open it.
There are only two words on it: I’m sorry.
To my knowledge, Bodi has never apologized in his life. Certainly not to me.
And of course, tears sting my eyes.
Stupid jerk.
He makes me so mad—seething mad sometimes—but I still love him.
An apology is a big deal for him, so I stuff the note in my pocket, deliver drinks to my table, and then slowly make my way to the front of the restaurant.
“I’m really busy,” I say by way of greeting.
“I know. I just…” He stuffs his hands in his pockets. “I needed to see you. Make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine.”
“Can I sit at the bar until you’re done? We need to talk.”
I glance from him to Blake. “And you brought a mediator?”
Blake snorts but Bodi just shrugs. “I figured maybe he’d keep you from killing me. At least until I can explain.”
“I don’t know how long I’ll be but go ahead and sit at the bar.” I turn and skate away, heading straight for Nita’s office.
“Hey.” She looks up in surprise. I don’t usually bother her during shifts.
“Bodi’s here,” I whisper.
“Oh?”
I hand her the note he gave me.
“This is promising, no?” she asks after she’s read it.
“I guess.”
“Do you want me to cut you early?”
“I know I’m supposed to close but…”
“But you need to talk to your brother. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure Trixie will stay. Leave it to me.”
“Thanks, Nita.”
I go back out to the dining room and spend the next hour finishing up.
It’s closer to ninety minutes before I’m free to punch out, and another ten minutes while I freshen up in the bathroom, mentally preparing myself.
I’m not sure what Bodi’s going to say, but I need to stick to my guns.
His behavior has to change because I can’t go back to the way things were.
I’ll always love him, but his need to control specific aspects of my life is frustrating.
“Hey.” I sink down on a stool between Bodi and Blake. “Buddy, can you get me a glass of prosecco?”
“Sure thing.” Buddy grins and pours a glass, putting it in front of me.
“So, uh, how have you been?” Bodi looks uncomfortable, but I refuse to feel bad for him since he brought this on himself.
“Busy. I saw your goal the other night. It was pretty.”
“Thanks.” He takes a pull from his bottle of beer. “Look, I need to apologize. For a lot of things.”
“Okay.” I’m here, willing to listen, but I’m not going to make this easy.
“I know I’m a little controlling. About where you live and guys you date. It’s just… in my head, you’re still that scared, sobbing fifteen-year-old who begged me not to put you in foster care.”
“Oh, Bodi.” I reach for his hand and he closes his fingers around mine. “I understand that but I’m not her anymore. I’m grown now. With my own wants and needs. And sometimes those needs include men.”
Bodi grimaces, and Blake takes a long pull from his beer bottle.
“I know that. It’s just… hard for me.”
“Why won’t you get help?” I ask quietly. “We both know this is trauma related to the accident. You made me get professional help—why was it good enough for me but not you?”
“I don’t know.” He looks away. “I guess I thought I was strong enough to handle it. I mean, I had to be, right? So I could take care of you?”
“Strength includes admitting when you need help. Just like I did when I realized I couldn’t handle the situation at the apartment anymore.
I’m strong. Independent. I can kick ass and take names.
Yet sometimes I still need my big brother.
That will never change. But you have to let go, Bodi.
We all have to make our own mistakes—like moving in with a bunch of horrible people. I’ll never do that again.”
He sighs.
“Go talk to someone,” I whisper. “A professional. Work through your feelings, your fears… and maybe grieve a little. God knows, you never had time to when our parents died.”
“You should listen to her,” Blake says when Bodi doesn’t respond. “You do need to talk to someone. You know I’ll always have your back, but this time Billie’s right.”
“In the off-season,” Bodi says finally. “I promise.”
“Fair enough.”
Minutes tick by, and we sit there in silence. It’s obvious Bodi has more he wants to say, so I give him the time to work up his courage. Or whatever he’s doing.
“Do you love him, Billie?” The question is soft, tentative, like he’s afraid of the answer.
“Doesn’t matter,” I reply. “He’s a lot like you, trying to make decisions for me because he thinks he knows better than I do. And I’m not jumping from the frying pan into the fire. One overbearing man in my life is more than enough.”
“Okay, then.” Bodi nods, like that’s the end of it, but Blake elbows him. Hard enough to make Bodi grunt. “What?” he demands.
“Don’t be selfish, you fuck.” Blake glares at him and the two exchange a glance that’s hard to decipher.
“Fine.” Bodi puts his beer bottle down on the bar.
“If you love him, you should… go after him. Because I’m pretty sure he loves you.
And he only did what he did because he didn’t want to come between us.
He was willing to let you go so that our relationship wouldn’t suffer.
He was also willing to take the hit, offer to get traded, to save my career.
He wouldn’t do that if he didn’t love you, Billie. ”
“He did it because he doesn’t want to stay in L.A.,” I mutter.
“I don’t know about that, because when we talked…
his feelings were pretty obvious. And, you know, because you can’t expect me to change overnight, I talked to Marty and Gabe and a few of the other guys and, uh, they like him.
Everyone pretty much agreed that I was being a dick about the whole thing. That I should give him a chance.”
“And…” Blake encourages him.
“And…” Bodi grits his teeth and squeezes his eyes shut. “It’s not fair for me to, uh, come between you. If this, you know, your relationship, if it’s, uh, legit… like, the real thing for you, I want you to be happy. I mean, I’ll break both his legs if he ever hurts you, but?—”
I can’t watch him fumble through this anymore, and I throw my arms around him, hugging him tightly. “I love you, Bodi.”
His arms close around me. “I love you too. I can’t lose you, Billie. You’re all I have.”
“You’ll never lose me.” I pinch his arm. “Unless you try to interfere in my love life again.”
He squeezes me tighter. “I’m going to do my best, and if I start to, call Blake. He’ll set me straight.”
I told Rome I wouldn’t wait for him so I don’t know how to back pedal or if I’m even willing to forgive him for what he did.
Everything is still a mess, but at least I have my big brother back.